Chapter 30. Liam
I thought time would drag forever being locked up.
But life on the inside turns out to be a whole lot better than anything I had outside.
Before I know it, there are only two weeks left until the break.
Can't really call it a vacation since the routine won't change much, only no classes for two weeks and some extra free time as a reward for good behavior.
Some kids get permission to leave during the break too.
No chance for me, though. Nobody gets it in the first year.
But Jack is buzzing more than usual.
"I can't wait to see my little sister!" he tells me one day while he's helping me cram for exams. We're both not exactly the studying type, but Jack is smart and not as busy as Ethan. Also, we take all the same classes together in carpentry.
Miles is also hitting the books, but unlike other months, he's way crankier. In our room, if Jack and I make any noise at all while he’s studying, he huffs, loudly, like we're ruining his day.
One day, on our way to MMA, Jack explained: "Miles stays here during the break.
He's never gotten permission to leave, and he's been here for years.
He doesn't get visitors either. Gets pretty down around this time, more depressed than usual.
Just be patient with him." Jack is always so kind-hearted.
I haven't had any visitors either, but sometimes my dad sends letters or calls.
He's landed a new job and is really busy.
I feel bitter about it sometimes. After all, I'm his only kid, and I think he could spare a couple of hours a week to visit.
But on the other hand, just him being alive and not drinking too much is already more than I can ask for, considering the demons he's battling.
Way bigger than any of mine, and mine aren't small.
Jack's family visits all the time. His mom is quite something.
I met her on one of the special weekends where parents come and have lunch with their kids at school.
Her hair is dyed blonde but fading to orange, and she smells like cigarettes.
Jack's mom is the only parent who regularly shows up from our dorm. But, man, she's cool.
"You guys are all my kids now, not just Jack," she says, while we're all eating together.
It's pizza, a special day for us, and we're outside, at tables they set up in the courtyard.
It's sunny, and, as always, I'm basking, feeling it warming me.
"Your folks don't come to visit? That's crazy.
I couldn't stay away from my little guy for that long," she adds and hugs Jack tightly.
I can totally see Jack in her. They have the same brown eyes and similar features.
I figure Jack will look a lot like her when he gets older, maybe a bit less worn if he steers clear of smoking.
Despite everything, she's hilarious and a good mom.
Her name is Berenice, and Jack tells me she moved here from Georgia just to be closer to him.
"She's always been there, you know?" he tells me, and I can swear his eyes are kinda misty. "I didn't want to let her down like this."
"You haven't let anyone down. You're doing your best," I say, clapping him on the shoulder.
Ethan, on the other hand, never gets visits or letters, for obvious reasons. So, when he tells me he's heading out for the break, I'm shocked.
And upset.
He'll leave me here.
"Where do you stay?" I ask.
"I stay at my auntie's," he says, like he doesn't want to dive deep into it. While Miles is dying to get out, it seems like the opposite for Ethan.
And I don't want him to go either. I don't want to stay away from him.
The day before he's set to leave, we stay behind after dinner, the guys heading to the rec room. We go to his office as fast as we can. He locks the door, and when he turns around, the look on his face isn't his usual. He looks sad as fuck.
"I don't want to go," he says, sighing, and it makes my chest ache, because Ethan never talks about feelings.
"Then don't."
"You know I can't, baby," he says and looks at me, tender, brushing his fingers into my hair. "It's mandatory."
"I know," I sigh.
He looks at me, and I can see the worry behind those green eyes.
"You'll be alright?" he asks. He sounds hurt.
"Daddy! I've lived my whole life without you. Miserably, but I survived!" I exclaim, trying to sound cheerful. He smiles, huffing, so close to me.
I close the distance between us, slowly. My hands find his waist. He exhales, long and shaky, and his forehead drops against mine.
Then his mouth is on mine, and it isn't like the other times, desperate, frantic, fueled by adrenaline and lust and anger.
This is slow. His hand cradles the back of my neck.
I start pulling his shirt off. His hands slide under my shirt, palms warm and slightly rough against my ribs, and I pull him closer.
He pulls back enough to look at me, and the tenderness in his expression almost wrecks me. His thumb traces my jawline, brushes over my lower lip.
"I'm going to miss you so much," I say, and I hate that I'm not able to play it cool.
"It's okay, sweetheart. It's just for a little while," he says, but he sounds like he's trying to convince himself. "That's all."
"Feels like forever."
"I know, baby."
He kisses me again, deeper this time.
His hands move down my chest, my stomach, fingers tracing the waistband of my grays. Then he does something I never expect.
He drops to his knees.
That massive, broad-shouldered, six-foot-something, Mr. Leader, Mr. Obey Me, is on his knees in front of me, looking up at me with those green eyes.
"Ethan..." I try to say. My hands are on his face.
He doesn't say anything. Just turns his head slightly, presses his lips against my palm, and then his hands are pushing down my pants.
I grip the edge of the desk behind me because my legs are already threatening to give out, and he hasn't even done anything yet.
When he pulls me free, my cock is so hard, and his breath is warm against me, and I have to look up for a second because the sight of him down there, choosing to be on his knees for me…
it's too much. My eyes burn, and I blink hard, jaw clenching.
It's hard to swallow, and I'm so fucking turned on at the same time.
"Look at me," he says. Quietly. A command, but soft. The way he only ever is with me.
I look down. His eyes are locked on mine, and then he takes me into his mouth, and I swear to God, the sound that comes out of me isn't human.
My hand shoots to his hair, fingers tangling in those reddish-brown strands, and I feel his grip tighten on my hips, steadying me, grounding me, the way he always does.
He's on his knees but still commanding everything.
He's slow. Trying to draw every sound out of me. His tongue does things that make my vision blur, and I keep having to remind myself to breathe and not faint.
"Fuck..." I gasp, my head falling back. I start trying to think of anything else, or I'll cum right now.
The desk creaks under my grip. The lights are too bright above us.
Somewhere, muffled voices from the rec room bleed through the walls, a reminder of how dangerous this is, how reckless, how absolutely insane.
I don't care.
His hand slides up my thigh, thumb pressing into the crease of my hip, and I look down again. A mistake. Because seeing him like that, eyes half-closed, completely given over to me… I forget everything I know about life.
"Ethan, I..." My voice cracks. I tug gently at his hair, not to pull him off but because I need him to know. "You can't... you can't just..."
He pulls back just enough, lips swollen, breath ragged, and looks up at me. Fuuuuuuuuck.
"Can't what?"
"Kneel for me like that," I manage to whisper. "Like I'm worth you doing this."
Something shifts in his expression. His brow furrows, and for a second, he looks almost angry. The typical Ethan. We lock eyes.
"You're worth everything," he says. "Don't ever say that again."
Then his mouth is back on me, and this time he's relentless. Harder, faster, taking me deep.
"Fu-fu-fuuuuuck," I say. I stop trying to hold myself together.
He usually never lets me cum like that, without telling him first, asking him first, but I can't help it now.
I just let go. My fingers stay in his hair, my other hand grips the desk, and I cum so hard everything goes black and I almost faint.
He stays there for a moment after, forehead resting against my thigh, both of us breathing hard. I run my fingers through his hair, gentler now, and feel him lean into the touch.
"Get up," I whisper. "Please."
He rises slowly, and when he's standing again, towering over me the way he always does, I grab the front of his shirt and pull him in. I kiss him, tasting myself on his tongue, and I don't care. I just need him close.
"Promise me you'll come back," I say.
His arms tighten. "I promise."
"What if they say you don't need to come back, or if they send you somewhere else, or…?!"
"Baby. That won't happen. And even if it does, I'd find a way to get back to you," he says, and tears fall down my face.
We stay like that longer than we should.
Long enough that the noise from the rec room starts dying down, which means lights-out is approaching and we need to be back in the dorm before anyone notices.
But neither of us moves. His heartbeat is steady under my cheek, and for those few stolen minutes, the academy walls don't exist, the rules don't exist, only the two of us exist, and it’s all I ever want to exist.