Chapter 14 #3
Pain flashes across her face, but it’s replaced with steely determination.
It’s a reminder of how physically strong she is and how mentally tough she is too.
“Whatever it is, it’s clearly important.
If we have to leave, then we have to leave.
It will be disappointing, but it doesn’t mean we can’t come back or that we can’t have other private moments.
We will. Soon. We’ll make time for them, even if we’re busy.
There’s zero chance of me standing in the way of you taking that call.
My feelings won’t be hurt. I’ll be okay.
We both will. You’re never going to have to choose between your life, the people you care about, the band, the music, your heart and passion, and me.
I won’t allow that. There is no choice. We’re us if we want to be us. Always.”
This.
My heart swells, even as it leaps into my throat and beats too fast when I stare at the unknown caller ID on the screen. None of the guys has listed numbers. I don’t either. For the most obvious reasons.
I hit answer and wait a second. I’ve known Matt for so long that I can recognize him by the sound of his breathing.
“Can we talk?” That voice doesn’t belong to pissed off, wary Matt. The Matt who is so utterly sick of me that he can’t remember why we did this together in the first place.
“Sure.” It’s a guarded reply, and I can tell he hears it in my voice.
“In person?”
“I’m not at home right now,” I say.
“When are you going to be there?”
“Uh, in a few days?”
“Why does that sound like a question? Where are you?”
I hesitate, looking over at Carissa. She’s nothing but encouraging. Just in case her expression wasn’t enough, she squeezes my shoulder. “Can you hold on? Just give me a minute.”
I can’t have this conversation while I’m still half naked.
I get myself sorted, pulling my pants back in place.
Carissa collects her clothes off the floor and slips into them, then she pours us two tall glasses of water from the water cooler in the corner and brings them over. I chug the whole thing back gratefully.
She sits down beside me and threads her fingers through mine, then leans over and kisses my forehead. “This is a good thing. You can tell him where we are.”
After the glass of water, my voice isn’t like sandpaper grinding against metal. I take the phone off hold. “Sorry. I’m back. I just had to get something to drink.”
“Are you with someone?” Matt probes.
His words are heavy with surprise. He doesn’t know that the thing with Alicia wasn’t real. No one does except Carissa and Alicia herself. He was surprised when we got together out of the blue. I think he might have figured it out if he’d taken the time to do it.
“I’m with someone, yes. I’m in Reno.”
“Reno? What the fuck? You don’t even gamble.”
“What’s going on, Matt? You can talk to me. It doesn’t matter where I am.”
“I wanted to tell you that I’ve been approached by a few different bands. One gave me an offer that I’m going to take.”
Carissa immediately presses her shoulder into mine for support. She puts on a brave face for me, one filled with understanding, sadness, and sympathy. I rake my hand through my damp hair. I don’t want this to be a bad thing.
“Good. I’m glad,” I say, and I mean it. “You’re a great musician. You should be out there doing what you love.” My chest rises and falls.
I wrap my arm around Carissa and tuck her in against my side. She shuffles even closer until we’re pressed so tight that our bones are jammed together. I love it. Her nearness is reassuring. I don’t know what else Matt is going to say, but whatever it is, I’m not alone in dealing with it.
I’ll be okay.
I’m safe.
I’m right where I never knew I needed to be until I found it.
The line has been silent all this time. I know Matt, and this isn’t the kind of conversation he wants to have on the phone.
But I don’t break it. I can tell he needs time to get it out.
I listen to his deep breathing in silence until he’s ready.
“I know you didn’t mean to make it all about you.
You can’t help that people love you. You’re a star that’s always rising, and I was lucky enough to be along for the ride.
It was always you, going places, with your easy charm, your charisma, and your inability to take no for an answer.
You have the kind of talent that people just have to stop and take in.
They’re in awe of it. I’m in awe of you.
Sometimes, I wanted to be you. And sometimes, I just wanted to be as good as you.
But neither was ever going to happen. It’s not you I hated.
It’s me. For being so jealous of you and letting that fuck it all up, even when I didn’t want it to. I can see that now.”
I want to tell him that he’s wrong, but I can’t sit here and refute his truth, not when he means it as an apology. He’s trying to lay the foundation to mend the bridges. Bridges that I’d do anything to have.
“No matter what happens, Matt, we’re good.
” I can do more than just hope for that.
I’ll work to make it happen. I’ll do whatever it takes, even if I don’t feel like what happened was fair or my fault.
Fault has nothing to do with it. We’re past that.
I value my friendship more than I need to cling to my hurt feelings.
“I think we need to do what we said. Take a break.” Matt’s good at hiding what he feels.
Part of it he learned along the way, but he’s never been open on stage or off like I have.
I’ve spent most of my life with him, though, and the rough cadence of his voice is obvious to me.
“Maybe someday, we’ll be able to make music together again. ”
“I’d like that. In some capacity,” I tell him.
“I’d say you’re throwing it all away by stopping, but I know you’re not. All this time, it was never fame you wanted. That’s half your allure. Every note you ever put out into the world was given straight from your soul. You were just good enough to let the rest of us stand in your orbit.”
“Good god, Matt.”
He half laughs, half grunts right into the phone, and it distorts weirdly in my ear.
I grin like a crazy person. “I’m sorry we ever made you feel like you weren’t doing a good job.
You did everything you could. Never apologize to anyone.
You never did anything wrong. At least not the stuff that counted.
You were never afraid of making mistakes.
Jameson and Luke will come around. They’ll figure it out.
But us? I want us to be good, like we were. Brothers and all that.”
In all honesty, this is a man who notoriously hates expressing emotion.
He keeps his relationship with his wife private, and I’ve never heard him express anything romantic to her, but they’re still married, and she always seems happy, so maybe he shows it in ways he can’t say.
I get that. It’s not easy for everyone. What counts is that it’s there. It’s felt. It’s real.
“It’s in the past. I’m not sure what’s ahead, but I hope we’re all happy doing whatever it is we’ve got going on.”
“Damn it. I knew you’d say that. All of it. I knew you’d just be so nice about all of it.”
That only makes my grin widen. “People say you can’t choose your family, but I did choose you, and I’m sticking with it. Everything that happened was for a reason, and I’m sticking with that too. I don’t want to feel shitty, so I’m choosing not to.”
We both know it’s not that easy, but his rough grunt tells me he gets it. “I just didn’t want you to hear about me from someone else.”
“I appreciate that,” I tell him earnestly.
“Yeah, uh, me too. Everything. All the time we had, you know? The ride.”
“I know.”
“You’re always there when it’s hard, and when it’s good. It’s sometimes harder to be there when it’s easy. Hard not to be a jealous prick. I know that too well.”
A noise pops out of me that causes Carissa to fling an arm out across my chest. I turn my face and let her see that I’m okay. My chest just hurts, and my eyes are burning, but I’m good.
“See you around then?” I say.
Matt’s not going to stay on the line and get sentimental. This was already more than I could have ever expected. “For sure.”
He hangs up first, and I power my phone off completely.
The only thing wrong with the position I’m in right now is that Carissa isn’t close enough. So I pull and arrange her on my lap. She clings to me, tucking her head against my neck. “While you were on the phone, I had an idea.”
The weight of her voice says I need to just shut it and listen because this is going to be beyond good. It’s going to be epic.
“The songs. I know I wrote them for you. Every single one is about you. They’re all the poetry and passion from my soul to yours.
They can stay unrecorded or recorded and unheard forever.
You can put them out on your own in a few months, a few years, or never.
I’d be okay with that. They’re yours, and I mean that. ”
She only pulls back so I can see how fierce her face is.
She’s fighting for us in a way that I haven’t even determined yet, but it’s playing out right in front of me, and it’s astounding.
Watching her mind work is one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever done, and I’m here, the luckiest man in the world, with a front-row seat.
“You said, sort of in passing, that you’d maybe like to start your own label. Or did I say that? I can’t even remember. It’s all blurring together in an overwhelming but awesome way.” She clenches her eyes shut tight, like whatever this is, it’s too epic to say it with them open.
Following her lead, I close mine too, so the room disappears, and it’s just her body on mine.
One of her hands rests on my shoulder while the other cups my face.
The floral scent of her hair and the salty musk of our sweat blend together, and it’s not a combination I’d ever be willing to share with anyone else if I didn’t have to.
That’s why I booked us an out-of-the-way studio and a tiny little house. So we could have this together.
Time. Memories. And the start of something that’s sort of been going on for years.
“If you do want to start your own label, and you can sign bands or individual singers without it being an issue with your label and life, it might be nice to give the songs away. If someone else wants them, and you think it’s a good fit, let them sing the songs.
Let them put the songs out in the world.
Let them make the songs their own. Rewrite it so it fits straight into their voice and their heart.
Only if they want it.” She wriggles in my lap, waking my cock right back up with the motion she never meant to be sensual. “Do you think it’s a terrible idea?”
My eyes pop open.
She winces.
“I think it’s a great idea. I’d like to keep some for us, but there are plenty, and it feels right to share them. Not just right, but epic. If I haven’t told you that you’re brilliant, can I do so now?”
She laughs. “You’ve told me plenty.” The best part about being this close to her face is watching a soft blush spread up her neck and settle on her cheeks.
I lied. That’s the second-best part. The best part is being close enough to fully wrap my arms around her and kiss her.
It’s the way her smile is so massive that her dimple appears.
As well as the nervous habit she has of tucking her hair behind her ear so the little moon stud appears, and the tiny little maybe was once a gill hole becomes visible.
“Can I tell you in other ways?”
She laughs again, squirming against me. “Only if you take those pants off this time.”
I launch into a kiss that leaves her breathless. “Deal.”