Chapter 15
Chapter fifteen
Carissa
Epilogue
It’s hard for me to believe I was so worried about navigating the world that I almost gave up on the love of my life. I always loved Wilder, but I was just about ready to be content with breaking my heart and setting him free.
Half a year later, I can’t believe I ever thought that would work.
I spent years telling myself he couldn’t be mine, our worlds were too different, it wouldn’t work because we wanted different things, and that the age gap was too much.
I had to put distance between us because of my job, but there was never any real belief that anything could ever exist in the real world.
Sometimes I feel like I’m still dreaming.
Like this morning, when I woke up with Wilder right beside me in my bed, Pumpkin on his pillow, and Woof Woof Dog sprawled out between us at the foot. My queen-sized bed can barely fit a man-sized man, a man-sized dog, and a dog-sized cat, plus me, but that just means we get to all snuggle closer.
Wilder wakes up slowly, cracking an eye.
He rubs his hand down his face to clear sleep away like he always does.
“Was I drooling?” It’s an inside joke after that day at the studio in Reno when I pulled up and his face was pressed against the window.
It looked like wet dog nose marks when it dried.
We still bring it up and laugh about it.
“Only a little. It was super hot.”
He smacks his lips together. “How much cat hair did I ingest?”
“About fifty-two.”
“A good day then. The hairball should be small.”
“Some of it might be dog hair.”
Woof Woof Dog wags his tail wildly. Shoving against my leg, he flips onto his back, stretches, and releases a long, slow foghorn-inspired fart.
Wilder raises his head off the pillow. “Good morning to you too.”
Woof Woof Dog snorts, blowing his frizzy hair out of his mouth.
It’s a long reach, but Wilder shoves himself up on an elbow and leans over the cat to plant a kiss on my cheek, my forehead, and then my lips. “Good morning, beautiful. What a damn honor it is to wake up next to you. I have no idea how I got so lucky.”
He’s always saying things like this to me.
Just so you know, I plan on working ridiculously hard to deserve you.
I’m so blessed you’re in my life.
Some days, I think my grandma might have sent you directly to me, knowing just how badly I needed you even when I didn’t know it, and how badly I need you now when I’m fully aware of it.
You’re absolutely perfect. Whether you believe me or not doesn’t make it less true.
You’re a total boss.
You’re brilliant. You’re funny. And you blow me away with how many great ideas you have.
It goes on and on. There hasn’t been a time when I’m not half embarrassed and utterly amazed. I make sure I tell him how I feel. There’s no more stuffing it down. Just pouring it out.
I thought this life would be hard. I couldn’t picture how a bridge would look between our two worlds, but day by day, Wilder has done everything in his power to build it.
When he announced last month that he was dating someone, but she preferred to remain anonymous, he asked people to respect my privacy.
I wasn’t sure it would work, and I agonized over the announcement, but I didn’t want to hide.
I didn’t want to force Wilder to keep us a secret and then be outed eventually.
It would have happened one day. At least this way, we have control over our future.
We dictate the terms. People have been surprisingly supportive and respectful.
The majority have been so sweet, surprising the heck out of me by expressing how happy they were for both of us, and wishing us the best.
No one has tried to dox me.
Our house is still a place of peace.
We get to have a life.
Wilder has been in therapy for months. He phoned a lady in San Francisco whom my mom recommended, and he’s been seeing her once a week. He wasn’t sure about it at first, but after a few sessions, he relaxed and started to make small changes.
Last week, he booked a doctor’s appointment at a private clinic. Just for a checkup. I offered to go with him, but he assured me he was okay. He appreciated my support, but it was something he felt he needed to do alone.
He did want me to wait in the car in the parking lot, though, just in case he changed his mind and needed a getaway car.
He didn’t.
He was shaking when he came out, but within ten minutes, he’d calmed himself down. There was no panic attack.
I was so proud of him, but the most important thing was that he was proud of himself. He knows he still has a long way to go, but we’ll get there.
With his phobia of doctors.
With the band. Matt is playing the guitar in a heavy metal group.
He replaced their guitarist, who quit the band because his mom was aging, and he wanted to take care of her.
They’re an established band that has been around for decades, and this isn’t the first band member they’ve changed out.
Matt’s been a welcome addition. Wilder follows the band, and we’ve both enjoyed seeing how much Matt has grown as a musician.
He’s grown as a person too. He doesn’t have time to call often, but at least once a month, he and Wilder talk on the phone.
Matt’s living in Germany now, and we’ve been trying to find time to get out there and see his new house.
Hopefully, we’ll be able to go soon. I know how much that would mean to Wilder, but the effort Matt’s made to repair their friendship already means the entire freaking world.
Jameson and Luke haven’t reached out yet, but they talk to Matt. Jameson is giving private music lessons in New York, and Luke moved to Chicago and plays piano at a high-end club there.
No one even knew he could play, so that was a big shock to everyone.
Matt doesn’t say anything just for the sake of being nice, so when he told Wilder a few months ago that he’s sure, with time, Jameson and Luke will come around in their own time, we believed him.
No one knows if Wilder’s Peril will make music or come together as a band again.
It still hasn’t been made clear if the break is permanent, but fans know there’s going to be some significant downtime.
Yes, that did disappoint people, but as the months passed, most of that frustration has turned to understanding.
Wilder’s not afraid of being forgotten. He knows he never will be, and he’s okay with being replaced. To him, Wilder’s Peril was about sharing his gifts. He knows he can do that in other ways, and he’s going to.
He started his own label right after our trip to Reno. It’s been a lot of work to get everything set up, but he’s hoping to sign his first artist within the next few months.
He also sold his house here in Sonoma. He spends most of his time here, but we’ve also traveled.
He knows so many people that it sometimes blows my mind, and they all seem to have multiple properties.
We’ve stayed in everything from large houses to tiny cabins, and I’ve met so many amazing people.
Friends and acquaintances of Wilder. They’re all in the industry in some way.
Some of them are a little hard and jaded, and some of them love the rockstar life.
However, most of them are just regular people with a passion for music.
They have families. Kids. It’s been wonderful getting an inside glimpse into the life they’ve built.
They’ve balanced fame with privacy, they’ve lived their dreams on stage, and they’ve also made room for the dreams of their heart.
“Are you thinking about how amazing my morning breath is, or are you tunneling into yourself at the horrid shock of it?”
I swat Wilder’s chest playfully. He lifts Pumpkin from between us, kisses his fuzzy orange head, and sets him down on the floor.
But Pumpkin’s not overly put out. He knows breakfast is coming soon.
Woof Woof Dog is still down at the foot of the bed, but it gives Wilder a clear path to wrap me in a tight hug.
“Sorry. Just… ruminating.”
“Do you know how hot it is when you do that?”
He nuzzles the shell of my ear, nibbles the lobe, bites my neck, and scrapes his stubbled cheek against mine. There go my nipples, getting hard before I’ve even had a cup of coffee.
“I love waking up with you,” Wilder growls.
“I love the cat hair and the farty dog. I love that it still feels a little bit awkward to share a room and basically live here half the time with your mom. In the best way. I adore your mom. You’ve given me a family off the stage.
You’ve given me a home. And it’s better than anything I could have ever imagined because I couldn’t even go there until you.
You took a chance on me, and I’ll always be thankful for that.
You loved me first. You’ve shown me how.
I’m far from perfect at it, but I love you with all I have. ”
I adjust myself so the dog gets pushed to the other side, and I’m flush up against him.
These small moments are infinitely special.
It’s not just the amazing sex and how much I want this man.
It’s the times when I melt into him physically, mentally, and emotionally.
He’s sweet, vulnerable, and beyond kind.
He’s the best man in the entire world. He has a bigger heart than he’ll ever know, and he knows it’s big. I make sure he does.
I stroke my hand over his hair and then down his shoulder, savoring the feel of him beneath my fingertips as he presses all along the entire length of me. I bask in the way he smells, his warmth, and the sparkling sheen in his dark eyes.
“I love you, Jack. Always. But I don’t want to just tell you. I want to write you a song.”
“That sounds perfect. It’s your day off, and there’s nothing I can’t move back to make it happen. Let’s do it.”
“Right here in our bedroom?”
His grin lights up the room. This man, who literally had the world at his feet, access to any studio he ever wanted, and more material wealth than I can even properly wrap my mind around, even now, still looks at me like this is the only place he wants to be.
He always makes sure I know I’m the most important person in his life, though Woof Woof Dog is a close second in his heart.
This bedroom is a far cry from any studio, but he still gets excited like he’s going to be recording in a state-of-the-art facility with great history, the most gorgeous instruments, and unbelievable acoustics.
“I can’t think of a better place.”
The best part is that he one hundred million percent means it.
THE END.