Chapter 45
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Riley
Tears drip from my eyes as I scribble the note.
I know you’re all going to hate me. Believe me, I hate myself, too. But I can’t be what you all need and deserve right now. I wish like hell I could be, but unfortunately, I’m not.
I need some time to figure myself out. I have a lot of stuff I need to work through. I know you would all stand by my side while I do this, but this is something I have to do on my own.
I would never ask any of you to wait on me. That would be far too selfish, but I hope one day I can be in your lives again… in whatever capacity that allows me. I already miss you all, and I haven’t even left.
I can’t bring myself to write those three little words telling them exactly how I feel, so I draw a heart followed by my name.
I pick up my bags and slip from the house. I don’t know how I managed to sneak out of Cole’s bed and pack all my things up without waking them, but I am eternally grateful.
I don’t think I would have been able to follow through with this if I had to face any of them, let alone all three of them.
With my bags piled in the back seat, I pull away from the house. More tears fall as I sneak the last peek of their house in the rearview mirror.
I felt like something was breaking inside of me the last time I left this town. Now, it’s like my entire heart has been ripped from my chest.
It belongs to them, so it’s staying locked in that house with the three men I do love, even if I couldn’t write it.
After Theo’s confession, I lay awake for hours. My eyes stayed shut and my body motionless as my mind circled through everything like a disastrous tornado.
The panic in me built and built until I couldn’t take it anymore. I carefully climbed out of bed and started packing.
I know something inside of me is broken. I’m aware enough to see that. Three wonderful men declare their love for me. Instead of smiling and saying I love them in return, terror rose within me until I had no choice but to escape.
I know I have trust issues I need to deal with, but I need to handle them on my own.
My grandma always told me you couldn’t use other people as band-aids for your own problems. You have to be okay with yourself before you can be okay with anyone else.
Her words never really sank in until today. I am not okay with myself… but I want to be.
I want to be the person Theo, Finn, and Cole deserve because, as much as it scares me, they are what I want. I love them, and I want to be able to think that without my fight or flight instinct kicking in.
I don’t know if they’re going to let me back into their lives and their hearts when I come back—because I am absolutely coming back.
I slide the car into park and walk up to Abby’s door. It’s early, but I knock anyway.
Abby answers the door with a coffee mug clutched in her hand. Her eyes dart over my tear-streaked face, and worry clouds her features.
“Shit. What’s wrong?”
She ushers me inside, and I explain what I have to do. Abby and I have only been friends for a few weeks, but I already feel like we have a bond that goes far beyond that. Her eyes are glossy by the time I finish.
“I know you probably hate me for doing this… again,” I say, swiping my hand over my face.
She drags in a deep breath. “I don’t hate you, and you aren’t running away. You’re taking care of you, and in a way, you’re taking care of them, too.”
“I know they won’t see it that way… especially Cole.”
She cringes a little. “You’re probably right, but I think they will understand in time. They love you too much not to.”
I sigh, hoping she’s right. “I wanted you to know all of this.” I wave my hand around the room to the invisible baggage I just unloaded on her.
“And I wanted to say goodbye to Maverick. I never want him to have any misplaced feelings or confusion about me leaving. I would hate myself even more if that happened.”
A few tears slip down her cheeks. “Come on.”
I follow as she walks up the stairs and opens a door. Mav is curled on his side, still sleeping. I hate to wake him, but it’s now or never.
I have to get out of town before the guys wake up. Who knows, they might have already realized I’m gone. My phone has been quiet in my pocket, though, so I doubt that’s the case.
Abby rubs my shoulder. “I’ll be downstairs.”
I walk over, kneeling by his bed. I run my fingers through his messy brown hair. Peacefully sleeping like this, he really does look like Cole.
Slowly, he starts to wake up, blurry eyes blinking up at me. “Riley?” he asks sleepily.
“Hey, bud. I’m sorry to wake you up.”
He jerks upright, so he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. “Is my dad okay?”
I grab his small hands in both of mine. “He’s fine. Everyone is fine, I promise.”
His shoulders relax as he lets out a heavy exhale.
I try to keep my voice even, but it doesn’t really work. “I have to leave, and I couldn’t go without saying goodbye to you.”
His face falls, and I feel like I can’t breathe. “Oh,” he mutters. His eyes dart up to meet mine. “Don’t you love my dad… and Theo and Finn?”
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Maverick figured it out. He’s so damn smart and pays attention to everything.
I don’t know what he thinks he knows, but he isn’t oblivious to the fact that something has been going on between me and the three men in his life.
I can’t keep the tears from falling anymore. I also can’t lie to him. I won’t do that.
“Yeah, I do.” Admitting it out loud for the first time makes a sharp pain zap right through my heart.
“Then why are you leaving?” The emotion in his voice is heavy and makes me ache inside.
“I can’t love them the way they deserve to be loved.” I swallow, trying to find the courage to continue. “I have to work on myself so that I can be a better person for myself and for them.” I tap the side of my head. “I have to deal with some of my feelings.”
I don’t know if he actually understands, but he nods. Knowing him, he probably does get it far more than I would assume.
“I want to come back,” I tell him.
He nods with sad eyes.
“I’m going to miss you,” I add.
He wraps his arms around me. “I’m going to miss you, too.”
When he pulls back, I give his shoulders one last squeeze and move for the door. “I hope you find yourself,” he says quietly.
“I do, too.”
I’m one foot out the door when he speaks up again. “Love you, Riley.”
Now, I actually feel like I’m dying. “Love you, too, bud,” I get out on a sob.
I’m down the stairs, and Abby is wrapping her arms around me in the next breath. She gives me far more grace than I deserve, hugging me until my breathing evens out.
She walks me out to my car, giving me one last hug.
“I really hope you can find your way through this. I want it for the guys.” She drags in a jagged breath. “I want it for Mav, and I want it for you. I think you could be just what they all need.”
“I hope I can be that one day,” I tell her honestly, because I want that more than anything.
She gives me a teary-eyed wave as I pull away. The pain intensifies as I pull out of town, but it only strengthens my resolve.
I have to do this.
Right then and there, through the tears that continue to fall, I promise to return to Aspen Springs when I’m ready to love all of them with my whole heart.