Chapter 17
Seventeen
There was something wrong with his wife. Of that, Sebastian had no doubt.
He had noticed it the previous day, as they were leaving the luncheon.
The way she had come to him and asked to leave so suddenly, a look in her eyes and a quiver to her voice that had told him things were not as they might seem.
Sebastian might have ignored it if it were not for the ride home.
A silent affair, which was expected, but the way she had looked out the window the entire time, her body turned away, was telling.
I might have expected her to do as she always does. Watching me from the corner of her eye. Waiting for me to engage – hoping I will. But this time, it was as if he didn’t exist.
Sebastian had thought to ask her what was wrong, but he abstained from doing so because he was still determined to establish a sense of distance between them. All week, he had worked so hard to do so, and to break it now felt weak-willed and redundant.
To be clear, Sebastian had not enjoyed this previous week at all.
It had, for all intents and purposes, been the hardest week of his life.
Avoiding her at every turn. Sitting in near silence at supper.
Pretending that he could not see her there, that he could not hear her moping about the house, that he could not feel her pain…
and that I feel this way too! It is so unlike me that I don’t know what to do or think!
But it had to be done. That evening, the previous week had been a close thing, and still it sat with him day and night. What might have happened if he had given in? What would the current state of their lives be like right now? And why did he fear it so?
He reasoned that soon those thoughts would leave him.
That a few more days or weeks of distance and she would be less than a shadow, easily forgotten and just as invisible.
He needed that to be the case. He needed both her and himself to understand what this marriage was and then accept it as the only way.
If only things were so simple…
Sebastian spent that night awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering about his wife and what could have possibly gotten to her. Something was on her mind, more than what had been, and despite his best instincts, he was determined to find out.
So it was that the next morning, Sebastian decided to break his fast with her for the first time. Only… he walked into the breakfast room to find it empty.
“Her Grace,” he asked the butler who stood waiting. “Has she broken her fast already?”
“No, Your Grace,” the butler answered. “She has not left her room, as far as I know.”
Sebastian frowned at the response, his concern spiking. Again, he knew that he should not care – he did not want to! Alas, he found himself walking to her room and standing outside her door, desperate to knock and speak with her, knowing he would be a fool to do such a thing.
No… do not show her that you care. Do not let her see it. Tonight, at supper, I will ask her. But I must be careful, for I cannot let her know I have been thinking about her all day.
It was a long day to be sure. Made longer because every hour or so, he would pass her doorway and find it closed. This only confirmed that something was indeed wrong, which only heightened his need for answers.
That night, he presented himself at supper earlier than usual.
He sat himself down and waited. Patient, he sat there, watching the doorway, expecting her to enter.
Every time they ate supper, he could see her wanting to speak with him.
Her eyes on him, her mind at work as she puzzled through his coldness.
It was always so hard to ignore her, and every evening, he was so close to breaking down and admitting everything.
Admitting what? I do not even know! Or rather, I am too much of a coward to admit it.
Margot never arrived at supper, and that was enough to spike Sebastian’s fear so that he did not eat and instead strode through the manor and again found himself at her door.
He hesitated before it. Twice, he thought of walking away. But finally, he curled his fist and knocked once, determined now to find answers. Just to make sure that she is well…
“Yes?” her voice spoke from the other side.
Sebastian gently opened the door and stepped inside. He found Margot on her bed, a book in her lap, dressed in a shift as if she hadn’t left bed all day. She frowned to see him there, but quickly dismissed it and went back to her book.
“You…” He hovered by the doorway. “You were not at supper.”
“I was not.”
“Is there a reason?”
“No,” she said without looking. It was subtle, but he could see the tightness of her face… just as he could see the stains from crying painted on her cheeks.
“Is something the matter?” he asked gently, wanting to cross the room but forcing himself to stay.
“Why would it be?”
He winced. “You… you have been quiet. And distant.”
She scoffed but did not look. “Is that not what you want from me? I am only doing as promised.”
Sebastian watched her closely. She was hurting. Indeed, something was wrong. Again, that urge to go to her. To take her in his arms. To hold her and ask what was wrong. But he forced that urge away, just as he forced himself not to press the issue. He would not beg.
“There is still food for you if you need it,” he said.
“Fine.”
Sebastian left Margot there, but not without extreme concern that stabbed at his insides. And when he closed the door, he listened, and where it might have been his imagination, he could have sworn he heard her crying.
It was never meant to be this way. Is this not what we both wanted? What was promised? Why do I care what she thinks? And why do I want more?
Unable to stand being in the same house as Margot, that urge to go to her too strong to ignore, Sebastian left his manor, jumped on a horse, and rode it into London.
He did not know where he was going, but soon found himself at a tavern on the outskirts of the city.
A seedy establishment, not the sort he would ordinarily frequent, but times were that dire.
He walked inside and ordered an ale. Then he sat himself down in the corner and got to drinking, a need to forget what had happened and remind himself who he was and why he was doing this.
“You look lonely,” a soft voice spoke from over his shoulder.
Sebastian turned to find a stunning woman sauntering toward him.
Her hair was vivid red. Her eyes were sparkling green.
Full lips. A dress with a neckline that sat low on her bosom so that they spilled over the top.
And the way she looked at him… oh, I know that look as well as I know the back of my hand.
“Do I?” he said with a bitter chuckle, turning back to his drink.
The woman reached the table and leaned forward so her breasts were in his eyeline. “Haven’t seen you here before?” she said with a soft purr.
“I haven’t been here before.”
“From out of town?” she asked with interest.
He laughed. “No. Just… just expanding my drinking circles.”
“It’s bad luck to drink alone, you know?” She fluttered her eyes at him, and her look turned seductive. “Or so they say.”
“Who says that?”
“I do.” She winked then.
Sebastian looked up at the woman, and she smiled as their eyes met.
She was indeed beautiful, and the exact type of woman he’d ordinarily be climbing over tables to get to.
Although not everything that people said of him was true, much of it was.
He had a history of philandering, rakish behavior that had seen him bed many a woman in circumstances much like this one.
Niggling at the back of his mind was the urge to fall into his old ways. His marriage was not a love match; it was hardly a marriage! And as desperate as he was to forget about Margot, perhaps taking this woman to bed would solve all his woes? Remind him of who he was and what he was all about?
Should I… it would be so easy… and I should not feel bad about it. I doubt Margot would even care…
Sebastian tried to instill those words inside himself, wanting to believe them, but when he looked at this woman, he saw Margot.
Her eyes. Her smile. Her soft lips. His heart fluttered at the thought, just as his stomach turned to imagine the guilt he would feel if he were to act right now and do as he once would have without a second thought.
Was it time to stop pretending? Was it time to finally admit how he felt? How much longer could Sebastian lie to himself? And again, why was he so afraid of what Margot offered? Or what they both wanted?
He could not say. He did not know! What he did know was that this seedy tavern, this barmaid, were now part of a life he no longer desired. And with that in mind, he rose from the table, apologized to the woman, and left without looking back.
As he rode home, Sebastian thought about what he would do. What he had to do. He needed to speak with Margot. He needed to apologize. And then… I will find out. Am I a man or am I a coward? Am I ready to finally admit how I feel and what I want? Or is this about to be the hardest moment of my life?
Time would tell, he supposed.