Chapter 18
Eighteen
Margot was in her room when she heard Sebastian leave. Sitting on her bed, it was the sound of horse hooves that drew her attention. She did not want to leave her bed, but she was curious, so she hurried to the window and looked outside, just in time to see the duke riding off in the distance.
Good. Leave. And don’t come back for all I care…
She thought the words as she watched him go, but her heart wasn’t in it like she wanted.
In truth, when he had appeared in her room, she had very nearly leapt from the bed and run to him.
She thought of throwing her arms around him and pulling him into a hug because she needed it as she’d never needed anything before.
But she stayed strong. She stayed cold. She stayed distant, her resolve strengthening when he closed the door and left, that sense inside of her that being strong and dispassionate wasn’t nearly the victory she liked to think it was.
Now that Sebastian was gone, Margot finally felt comfortable enough to leave her room.
But she did not go to the dining hall, as she had no appetite.
Rather, she found herself walking outside and into the back garden.
The moon sat full in the sky, the night was warm, and she walked to the garden’s center, its light shining upon her, as she gazed up at it while her thoughts went back to that same place they had been going all day.
First, it was Lord Ashcombe.
She had not thought about him properly for years, but now he wrecked her as he had not done since he’d spurned their engagement and ruined her name throughout the ton.
How had I been so foolish? So na?ve to think he cared for me?
For so long, she had thought it was not her fault, for how was she to know?
Now, the truth was laid too bare for her not see it.
Were all men this way? Liars and cheats and so deceptive? Or did she just have a knack for finding them?
This inevitably made her think about Sebastian, further proof of her hopelessness when it came to men.
Worse that she had known what he was when they had first wed, only to allow herself to be tricked.
And why? Because she was attracted to him?
Because she knew he was attracted to her? As if that was enough!
Sadly, that attraction had been just the beginning, a door through which she walked so that she might see a version of him that…
it was what I wanted to see. I know that now.
Not the real him, but a falsity. Perhaps I am to blame?
Knowing the truth, ignoring it, and all because I allowed myself to believe that maybe this time I would be happy.
Margot had never yearned for love. She had never sought romantic happiness and wedded bliss. But Sebastian had made her think it was possible, only for that belief to blow up in her face and leave her as she was now.
It would pass, she knew. Eventually, she would get over the sadness and move on. But then what? What happens next? My life is here, and if this is the best I can hope for, I am not so sure I should hope for such a thing.
“What are you doing?” a voice spoke softly from behind her.
Margot’s eyes widened, for she knew who the voice belonged to. And where she nearly jumped in fright, nearly spun about and snapped for having been sneaked up on like that… she was past the point of caring.
“Nothing to concern yourself with,” she said without turning back, still looking up at the moon.
“Margot…”
“I thought you left?” she said sharply, hating to hear the pain in his voice, that sense that he felt guilt for what he was doing to her. I doubt he feels anything at all.
“I had,” he said. She heard his feet come closer, mere feet away. Again, the urge to turn around, but she stayed, not daring to look upon him. “But I came back. I… can we talk?”
“Talk?” A flutter of hope erupted in her chest, but she ignored it. “What is there to talk about?”
She heard him wince. “This past week. The way things have been. It is not…” Hesitation, and she wondered if he might just turn and leave. Please do, save me the inevitable. “It does not have to be this way.”
She laughed bitterly. “Is that what you think?”
“It is what I know,” he said. “Avoiding one another. Not speaking. Acting as if we do not exist. It can’t go on like this, Margot. Surely, you know that?”
“I am only doing what you wanted,” she said with a sneer. “Is this not exactly what you promised me?”
“It is,” he agreed. “But things change.”
That did it. Anger flared inside of her, that which had been lying dormant all week.
Who is he to speak of change? Who he is to act as if this is somehow my doing!
She spun about and flashed her eyes with fury so he could see it.
And the way he winced when she finally looked upon him might have brought pleasure, had she not been so angry.
“How dare you!” she snarled. “How dare you say – act! How dare you act as if this is somehow my doing! That this last week, how I have behaved, has anything to do with me!” Hands on her hips, she glared at him as if doing so might see him catch fire.
The moonlight bathed Sebastian so that he glowed pure white. And where Margot did not want to see it, the look of guilt and shame was unmistakable in his blue eyes. The way he reared back. The way he hunched his shoulders and pouted so there was no mistaking that he knew he was in the wrong.
It was almost enough to see her anger soften… but she held onto it because she needed to. I will not let him trick me again.
“You are right,” he admitted. “About everything. I am the one who –”
“Have been avoiding me!” she cut him off. “Who has made it so clear that he wants nothing to do with me?”
“Yes,” he said, somehow battering away her anger and standing tall. He took a step toward her, his expression resolved now rather than shameful. “I won’t deny it, Margot. Everything… all of it…” He tried for a resigned smile. “It was my fault. I brought this on us.”
She shook her head, still glaring at him.
“Why, Sebastian? Tell me that. That is what I want to know. That is what I cannot get past. Last week, you seemed…” She felt her anger waning, and she tried to hang onto it, but the desperate sadness began to creep in.
“Am I the fool? Was I so eager to see a different side of you that I let myself believe you were different?”
“No…” He stepped toward her again, less than three feet away. “You were not a fool, Margot. You did nothing wrong.”
“Then tell me! What changed? What happened? At Marlow Estate, you were…” She sighed, the anger just about gone.
“Before that, you were who I thought, and that was fine. That was what I expected. But that afternoon, I saw a side of you I did not know existed. I saw what I thought was the real you. Was I wrong? Or were you just putting on a face for the crowd?”
He winced and bowed his head. “It is not such a simple thing to explain.”
“Try, please,” she pleaded. “I have to know.”
“I…” He bit his lip, and she could see the fight raging inside of him. “I did not lie to you,” he said. “I did not put on airs and pretend to be different. In fact…” He laughed bitterly. “That was a side of me that was very real, but one I rarely show.”
“And why not?”
He shrugged. “For many reasons. And after it was all done, those reasons reminded me of who I am.” Slowly, he looked at her again, the moonlight making his eyes glimmer. “I never meant to trick you. Just as I never meant to hurt you.”
“You might not have meant to, but you did.” Her tone was short and cutting.
“And that after, you could not even…” She sneered at the memory.
“I know this marriage is one of convenience, but that does not mean that you and I… that we… this isn’t what I want, Sebastian.
The way we act. How we hide from one another. ”
“Nor do I!”
“Then why?” She pleaded now, looking at him without blinking, begging him for the answers.
He was so close to her, and oh, how she wanted to go to him.
But she could not. He is the one who started this; he is the one who needs to end it.
I will not let him trick me again. “Tell me that. Tell me that and maybe we can…” She laughed. “Maybe we can change it?”
He did not answer her immediately.
He went back to looking at the ground, his mind turning for answers. She could see how much he was struggling within himself. And that gave her hope, a belief that what had happened was not to do with her and that perhaps there was a chance that this was not where things ended for them.
That should have brought some relief. But she knew too that Sebastian was stubborn, hard to change, and that unless he really wanted it, he would not give in. And if he expects me to be the one to push… no, I will not do that. Not this time.
“I am attracted to you,” he said finally, this time forcing himself to look at her. “You know that.”
“I had suspected it.”
“I…” He nodded to himself and walked to her, a sense of determination in his eyes as he came close. She caught her breath, and then she held it when his hand reached for her waist, only to pause…
“What… what are you doing?” she asked in a whisper, her pulse quickening to feel him so close, her body fighting between wanting to push him away and fall into him.
“You have no idea how hard it has been…” Slowly, his hand moved to her waist. She gasped to feel his touch finally, warmth spreading through her body as he pulled her in. “I wish it were not the case. How much easier it would be. But…” His eyes flicked from her eyes to her lips.
“But…?” she pressed on him, meeting his eyes, seeing them shine in the moonlight. She could feel his heart racing, his body shaking. And most of all, she could see the want in his eyes as he looked at her.
“But… but…” Gently, he pulled her closer. Slowly, he inclined his head to kiss her. And even slower than that… “No,” he said suddenly letting her go and stepping away.
She gasped again, that sensation that a part of her was being torn away. Her heart was racing. She could hardly breathe. And her mind clouded with confusion as she tried to fathom what had just happened.
“I am so sorry…” He looked down as if in shame, his body half turned away from her.
“I want you, Margot. But I can’t allow it.
” He forced himself to look at her again, and she winced to see the pain behind his eyes.
But what about my pain! “It would be so much easier if I weren’t…
” He laughed, but it was hollow. “How much easier it would be.”
“You say it like it is a bad thing.”
“It is,” he said determinedly. “And that’s why…” He hesitated. “I’m sorry, Margot. I can’t. I just can’t…”
“What does that mean?” she demanded, anger growing inside of her now.
“I don’t want to hide from you. I don’t want to pretend as if you do not exist. But if you expect more from me, if you want more…” He shook his head. “That, I cannot offer.”
Margot didn’t know what to say to that. If anything could even be said.
It had seemed to her that Sebastian was on the precipice of finally revealing his true feelings to her – he had nearly kissed her!
If not his feelings, his reasons behind why he had acted in such a way.
That he would confirm it was not her fault.
That he would give hope to a situation that was utterly devoid of it.
No… she stared blankly at him, unable to believe that this was the result of his confession. Admitting that whatever this was had been caused because of him, but not willing to do anything about it. What is the point if nothing is going to change?
“So, that is it?” she said. Anger fading. Sadness leaving her. Resigned was how she felt, sick to death of all the confusion, wishing it to just be over. “What happens now?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t want you to hate me.”
“You make it very hard not to.”
“Just as I don’t want to ignore you for the rest of my life. Only…” He bowed his head, his shoulders sagging in defeat. “I feel that there is nothing else I can do.”
“You can tell me why,” she said. “That you can do.”
“No,” he said. “I can’t do that. I’m…” He exhaled, forced himself to meet her eyes, and in them she saw the desperate plight that was his own internal battle fighting against whatever it was he truly wanted. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” she said. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“I am. I am so sorry –”
“No.” Margot straightened up, composing herself, turning her voice flat because she would not let him see how upset she was. “You do not get to apologize. Not now. Not ever.” And with that, Margot turned and stormed across the garden, needing to put some distance between herself and Sebastian.
And as she did so, he wondered how long that same distance would last between them. For a night? For a week? For the rest of their lives? Until Sebastian was willing to tell her what was wrong with him, she suspected that things would remain in their marriage as they had all week.
At least now I know. This marriage… it never stood a chance, and I was a fool to consider otherwise.