Chapter Twenty #2
“She was, and I’m not going to lie. I thought she was all that, you know?
She fit into the world I’d created by following my father’s lead.
It wasn’t until after my life blew up that I realized she was an expert at changing subjects and diverting conversations about anything real or unpleasant, and I was too blinded by meaningless shit to see it. ”
His jaw ticked, and he looked out the front window.
“Growing up with my father taught me more than just how to repress my feelings.” He met Birdie’s gaze and said, “I’m ashamed to admit it, but back then I was the asshole who valued all the wrong things.
I bought into all his fake bullshit, wore all the right clothes, drove the best cars, and judged people by what they had and not who they were. ”
He pushed a hand through his hair, sitting back, his jaw working overtime.
“It makes me sick to admit that, but I want you to know the truth. I was so entrenched in that lifestyle and all the worthless crap that went with it, I never realized who I’d become until I was in prison.
It’s funny how clearly you start to see things when all the distractions are taken away, and life is stripped down to bare necessities.
I never realized how I allowed them to shut down my efforts to talk about my mom and Robbie until I had nothing but time to think and nobody to tell me to leave the past behind. ”
Now Birdie was the one leaning in. “I can’t imagine what it was like in prison. I mean, did you make friends that you could talk to when you were in there?”
“No. I was in survival mode, so deep in my own head, I barely said a word to anyone. Luckily, I’m a big guy, so nobody fucked with me.
And once I started seeing myself and my life more clearly, it carried its own kind of beating.
I hated who I was and what I’d done. And the more I thought about my mom and Robbie, the more I realized I’d completely changed from the person they knew.
I was no longer the brother Robbie looked up to, and I’m not sure my mother would have been proud of the man I’d become. ”
“I don’t know that anyone could blame you for changing.
You were trying to survive in a house where everything had changed.
And I think your mom would be proud of you for making strides to change the things you didn’t like about yourself.
But I am curious about what you and Robbie were like back then. ”
“Robbie was the kind of person who made other people better,” he said with certainty.
“So was my mom. She used to volunteer at a food bank, and we went with her a lot. I swear Robbie was a born humanitarian. From the time he was a little boy, if someone stepped on a spider or killed a bug, he’d throw a fit and go on about all the reasons every creature deserved to live.
He’d come home from school without his backpack because he gave it to some other kid whose backpack was torn.
Or without his sneakers because another kid’s shoes had a hole in them or got wet on the way to school. ”
“He sounds like a sweetheart, and as a girl who used to want to keep baby animals in my room, I get his devotion to living things,” Birdie said.
“He was good to the bone,” he said thoughtfully.
“So are you, but what were you like as a kid?”
“Birdie, don’t make me into something I’m not. I did something horrific to your family.”
“Yeah, you did,” she said sharply. “You made a big-ass mistake, and you’re trying to make up for it, so stop trying to make me think you’re an asshole and tell me who you were as a kid.”
His lips quirked. “I was a regular kid who liked sports and school. I never had a thing, like Robbie did. I wasn’t a bug saver, but I became one because it was important to him. I’d’ve given my life for him.” He lowered his eyes. “He’d hate who I became.”
“Maybe that would’ve been different if he lived.”
Crew looked at her then, his brows slanted. “I often think about that. Everyone changes as they grow up. I wonder if I would have ended up following in my father’s footsteps for some other warped reason, or if Robbie and I would have started the business we always dreamed of running together.”
“What kind of business?” she asked.
“One that gave back to people who had lost everything. My father used to say that he helped keep people from losing everything so they could feed their families and have nice things, so Robbie came up with this idea that we could give food and other things to people who had lost everything.” A new light flickered in Crew’s eyes.
“You know how kids egg each other on? We did a lot of that. I was a planner, and he was a dreamer. We spent weeks secretly coming up with an idea for a store full of free groceries and other things for less fortunate people.”
“Like a food pantry and consignment shop combined?” she asked.
“Sort of, but we’d offer everything for free, not on consignment.
More like a free grocery store and swap shop.
We didn’t know food pantries existed back then.
” His expression turned serious again. “After Robbie died, the volunteering stopped, and I never went back to it. That’s why, after I got out of prison, I started volunteering at a food bank on Monday nights. ”
“I love that.” She almost suggested she go with him sometime, but after what happened at the rink, she knew it wasn’t a good idea. Too many people she knew volunteered in the community.
“I don’t ever want to be the guy I became again,” Crew said earnestly. “I want to be the son my mother raised and the brother Robbie looked up to and trusted. I lost my way for a long time. I chased the money and forgot the meaning, and I never want to live like that again.”
Her heart was so full of this man, she got a little choked up. “Want to know what I think?”
“That you got mixed up with the wrong guy?” He cocked a brow, like he was only half-kidding.
“Would you stop?” She nudged him. “That accident was tragic, but in some ways, it saved you. It gave you a chance to see who you’d become.
You could have gone your whole life being that other person, and I’m sure tons of people go through that kind of thing and go right back to being exactly who they were.
I think Robbie and your mom would be incredibly proud of you for taking the harder road and making changes to be the man you want to be. ”
“You really do look for the light,” he said, his voice riddled with emotion.
“It’s easy to see in you, and I hope you know that you can talk to me about them anytime. They’re part of you, and I like hearing about them.”
“I appreciate that. It makes them feel less far away.”
“I want to feel less far away, too.” She reached across the console, hugging him, and staying there.
“I know your mom doesn’t want help, but that doesn’t mean you can’t show her how much you love and miss her.
” She held him tighter. “You can be her stubborn star. Send her letters or cards to let her know she’s loved even if she’s too grief-stricken to see you. ”
“She is loved,” he said craggily. He drew back just enough for their eyes to meet. “I think you got your mom’s therapist genes.”
Choking back her emotions, she said, “I’d be the worst therapist, doling out chocolate and encouraging my clients to be mouthy and a little rebellious.”
He grinned. “You would not.”
“Have you already forgotten our not-so-neighborly hot-tub escapade?”
“Maybe you should stick to chocolate.”