Chapter Twenty
BIRDIE’S NERVES FINALLY eased as they turned down the dirt road toward her favorite sunflower field. “Make a right between those trees up ahead.”
Crew stopped just before the trees, eyeing the space between them skeptically. “You sure? That doesn’t look like a road.”
“It’s not, but yes, I’m sure.”
He turned between the trees, driving slowly over the bumpy grass.
“Keep going past that row of brush up there on the left,” she said, pointing ahead.
Crew slowed as they passed the brush, the headlights illuminating the sunflower field, where thousands of stalks formed massive circles.
The sunflowers were no longer bright yellow.
Their petals were crisped and curling, their seed-heavy faces bowed on weathered stalks toward the dirt like they’d given all they could for this season and needed to rest.
“You can park here,” she said.
He looked around. “Whose land is this?”
“It belongs to a really sweet older couple, the Garcias.”
“You sure it’s okay we’re here?” he asked cautiously.
“Yes. I’ve known them since I was little, and they know this is my happy place. Don’t worry. After what just happened, I wouldn’t bring you here if it were risky. We don’t have to get out of the truck. I just thought it would be a nice place to talk.”
When he cut the engine, moonlight dusted the fields in front of them. “What’s all that?”
“Sunflowers. I know it looks like crop circles of straggly bones poking up from the earth, but you should see how magical they are in the summer. The town has an annual sunflower festival, and I come with my mom every year. They have live music and all sorts of vendors in the center of town, and they give out maps of all the places where you can see sunflowers. Some of the fields have paths so you can walk through them, and this one has always been my favorite.”
He smiled and reached for her hand. “Why is it your favorite?”
“Because those circles of stalks grow into spectacular sunflower rooms, and in them, the Garcias put comfy chairs and piles of books and snacks on end tables. When you’re standing in the middle of those sunflowers, it’s like stepping into a fairy tale.
When I was little, my mom told me that anything we said in those rooms was sacred, our secret.
We’d spend hours here, going from one room to the next, just the two of us, talking and leaving the world behind.
I’m pretty sure she used that time to get into my head, and still does. ”
“Why do you say that? You don’t seem to hold much back.”
“I know, but it hasn’t always been that way. When I was in high school, I rarely talked about anything real.”
His brows knitted. “Why not?”
“Because high school was the most torturous time in my life. It’s when I noticed I was different.
I never liked to dress like everyone else, and growing up around my brothers and bikers toughened me up, so I was mouthy.
Not exactly the kind of girl guys were begging to go out with, and it didn’t help that I got along with the boys, because other girls thought that made me…
I don’t know what, but it wasn’t good. I felt like I never really fit in anywhere.
Plus, I was a late bloomer. While other girls were rocking cleavage and filling out their bikinis like nobody’s business, I had the body of a twelve-year-old boy. ”
He squeezed her hand. “I’m sure you were beautiful, but I can see how that would be difficult. Teenagers can be rough.”
“They were, and you’ve seen Sasha. She’s always been gorgeous and curvy and good at school and fitting in.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my sister, but living in her shadow was its own kind of torment.
Anyway, the summer of my junior year was especially hard, and my mom could tell something wasn’t right.
In the sanctity of our sunflower room, she got me to admit that I was afraid I’d never have a boyfriend, and she said something that changed the way I saw myself. ”
Crew leaned in, like he had the first night they’d met, as if he didn’t want to miss a word. “What did she say?”
“She said I was like a sunflower and that they’re special because they aren’t just pretty to look at.
They draw life in, weeding out toxins and helping good things thrive.
She said I had always looked for the light in life and called out the darkness, which is true, but then she said people who lean toward what feels good or right to them instead of following the crowd can be intimidating to that very crowd. ”
“She’s right about all of that,” he said.
“Women pay good money to make themselves look like they think men want them to look. There’s nothing wrong with that, but most of them never work on what really matters, and that’s what’s in here.
” He patted his hand over his heart. “You come by both naturally.”
She melted a little inside. “I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“It’s the truth.” He leaned in and kissed her. “I’ve never met anyone like you, and you sure drew me in. Hell, I can’t stay away.”
Her pulse quickened, knowing she wasn’t alone in her feelings. “Do you know what the sunflower theory is?”
“No.”
“I didn’t either until my mom told me that as far as boyfriends went, she subscribed to it.
It’s a theory that during the day, sunflowers face the sun, drawing strength and support from the light, but when the sun is absent, they find that light in each other.
She said I just hadn’t met my sunflower yet, but when I did, the pull would be so strong, I wouldn’t be able to walk away. ”
His jaw softened, and his gaze followed.
“Guess that’s why I haven’t been able to walk away.
” He kissed her again, her pulse dancing to an elated beat, and then longing rose in his eyes, and he said, “I knew your mom was a special person when I met her, but you’re really lucky to have a mother who sees you and to have that special time with her. ”
Birdie realized what she’d done, and her heart sank. “Oh, Crew. I’m sorry. I’m gabbing about my mom, and yours isn’t really in your life anymore.”
“Don’t worry about that. All that stuff with my mom has been going on forever. I like hearing about your life, and I have great respect for your parents. They’re the ones giving me this chance to work with Colleen and to try to make amends for what I’ve done.”
“How’s that going?” she asked. “With Colleen and my family?”
He shrugged. “I like the work, and your family and the guys are all right. Colleen is helping me figure things out personally, but to be honest, it’s rough. Dare won’t or can’t look at me, and he won’t let me near Billie to try to talk to her.”
“He’s very protective of her,” Birdie said.
“He’s loved Billie since they were kids, and they’ve gone through a lot.
They lost their best friend, Eddie, right after college.
Eddie and Billie were engaged, and I don’t know all the details about their breakup, but Dare and Billie blamed themselves for Eddie’s death.
Billie wouldn’t go near Dare for years, but he never gave up.
He’d show up at her family’s bar nearly every night she worked.
He wasn’t a white knight in a leather vest or anything like that.
That’s not his way. She was pushing him away, and he was doing what he could to make her jealous. It was painful to watch.”
She took a deep breath, remembering how hard that had been for Dare, and said, “I love Dare so much, but I hate that he’s still consumed with anger over the accident. I wish I could talk some sense into him and that he’d give you a chance.”
“That’s not your job,” he said adamantly. “I appreciate your support, but he has a right to be angry. Don’t let that impact your feelings for him.”
“How can you say that when I care about you, too?”
“Because even if it doesn’t feel like it, those two things are separate.”
“Well, not in my head they’re not,” she said sharply. “Families are so complicated.”
He huffed out a half laugh. “You can say that again.”
“Can I ask you something about your mom?” she asked carefully. “If you’d rather I didn’t, say the word and I’ll shut up.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind talking about her,” he said.
“Do you ever see her?”
“No, but not because I don’t want to. I tried to see her after college, but she wouldn’t see me.
I wanted to help. I offered to pay for a therapist or arrange for her to get into a program to work through her grief, but she had no interest. I even offered to rent a place out there and go to therapy with her, but you can’t help someone unless they want to be helped.
That’s one of the reasons I will do whatever it takes to face what I’ve done.
I may not want to forgive myself, but I don’t want to become a shell of myself, either. ”
“I’m glad you won’t give up on yourself, because I’d have to kick your ass,” she said, trying to lighten the air and earning a small smile. “Do you miss her?”
“Yeah. A lot. And I miss Robbie every damn day. I feel like they were both stolen from me, and I’ve never had anyone other than a therapist to talk about them with.
My father didn’t talk about Robbie after he died, because he didn’t want to upset my mother.
And after she left, he didn’t really talk about much other than moving on. ”
“That’s awful, for both of you. What about friends or your ex? Couldn’t you talk to her?”
“When your sibling dies, people don’t know how to treat you. I think it reminds them that bad shit can happen without any warning. My mother’s leaving made it worse. And as far as Divinia went.” He scoffed. “Talk about a short story with no depth.”
Birdie was surprised he remembered her analogy, but she was more shocked by the statement. “I thought you said she was cultured.”