33. Brooks
THIRTY-THREE
Brooks
The damned table that I’ve been working on for too long is finally near completion. I need to sand down the edges a bit more and put on a coat of finish, but all in all, I’m pretty happy with it.
It’s about the only thing I’m happy with.
Darby is inside enjoying some free time, and Clover…
Ever since she got back from lunch with Rosie, she’s been acting off. I can see the tension in her shoulders, and her eyes are darting to every corner and shadow whenever there’s a noise or something.
I’ve seen enough life to know that’s a nervous response, but I don’t know what’s bugging her. She’s on edge, jumpy, and it’s not like Clover.
Prying into her business feels weird right now. I’ve been yelling at myself for falling into bed with her again. I should’ve pulled back. I should’ve left, but I didn’t.
If I start pushing into her private life, it’ll just be another way I’m falling deeper into the damn hole with her. We’re supposed to be just “hanging out.”
This would go against that for sure.
But when I step out of the shed to get some fresh air and see her sit on the porch, her head in her hands, I find myself walking over to her, unable to stop myself.
“Hey,” Clover glances up at me, her eyes wide, “you okay? You’ve seemed off since you got back.”
This expression of guilt washes over her face—so similar to the way Darby looks when I’ve caught him doing something he shouldn’t—and Clover sighs.
“Umm, yeah, sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m fine.”
I believe that as much as I believe it’s not hot as hell outside. Wiping the sweat from my brow, I sit down next to Clover on the steps.
“You continue to be a shitty liar.”
Scoffing, Clover looks over at me, glaring playfully before nudging me with her elbow. “Well, fuck you, too. I…I just got a phone call when I was on my way back.”
I cock a brow, regarding her, as I lean back onto the porch, resting on my elbows. “And that was enough to make you mope around like someone pissed in your beer?”
With a small laugh, Clover shrugs. But she doesn’t reply.
“Come on. Out with it, Lucky.”
There’s tension simmering between us, and not the kind I like. I can tell Clover doesn’t want to say whatever the phone call was about, which gives me a pretty solid idea of exactly what it was about.
“I’m assuming it had something to do with New York.”
Clover looks up from where she’s been staring at the ground. I can see the faintest hint of red around her eyes, suggesting she’s been crying.
She’s not now, and if she’s about to, Clover is hiding it well.
“Yes. It’s about New York. I…” Studying me, Clover appears to go through all these choices in her head, her brow furrowing as she decides just what words to use. “I’m being requested to return because there’s a deal at stake. A company called Cicero is looking to…work with my firm. They’ve been, umm, less than enthusiastic in the past. This is a chance to nail the bid. But…it requires me to be there.”
“I see.”
Silence fills the space between us. I knew that this was coming. I mean, how could I not? Clover’s been on the verge of needing to go back for at least a week now.
And somehow, I still hate it.
She’s not yours to keep, Brooks. She never was. You knew this. You knew Clover would leave.
My stomach clenches as the quiet persists. We’re in a game of chicken now. Neither of us wants to be the first to say something…to admit what’s happening.
I’m unsure why exactly, but my mind goes to Darby inside. He’s going to be so heartbroken when Clover leaves. And yeah, I know it’s a “when.”
I mean, come on. If it were a “maybe,” Clover wouldn’t be so upset. At least, I don’t think so. And still, my mouth opens on its own, asking the stupid question anyway.
“You thinking about going back right away then?”
For as raw and pulled apart as I feel, my tone is rather flat. I know I’m not letting myself feel everything completely, though.
If I do…I’ll break.
“I’m not sure. It’s umm…” Her stare goes to the ground again, her fingers picking at the frayed bits of her jean shorts. “…it’s a big deal, you know? And I feel responsible for the, umm, fate of everyone involved.”
The way she says the word responsible tells me she really does. Clover is worked up over all this, and I can see it’s eating at her.
She’s going to leave. You’re just not as important as her job.
The thought is like a gut punch, and I’m immediately nauseated. I can feel all the familiar arguments my brain likes to make bubbling up to the surface.
Leah left you for another man. You weren’t good enough for her, and you’re not good enough for Clover.
Abruptly, I stand up, and Clover whips her eyes up to me as I start to pace. The air is too heavy, and I feel like I’m being crushed by the weight of the universe as I softly hyperventilate.
“Brooks?”
Those eyes, those big, beautiful eyes, with their deep blue swirls. They’re digging into my flesh, and I need to get out of here.
I won’t do this again. I won’t just stand here and let another woman tell me how much she doesn’t love me.
Again.
“Are you?—”
“Just don’t, Clover. It’s fine. I don’t need to hear you make up some excuses about staying. We knew what this was, and you have a life to get back to.”
Clover stands up from the steps, trying to walk up to me, but I pull back. I can’t have her close right now. It muddies the waters. It makes everything so difficult .
“I…” Her words drift, and then she nods. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to go like this.”
“Yeah, well, it is what it is, right? We can’t change our lives just like that.” I snap my fingers for emphasis.
“No, I suppose we can’t.” Clover’s voice is so low, so quiet.
Don’t go feeling sorry, Ace . You know people. They’re all like this. You were stupid to let yourself believe any different. Clover is leaving you. She never loved you.
As far as intrusive thoughts go, these are the worst, and the sensation of getting kicked in the nuts by my subconscious doubles down.
“I…I’m not sure if I’ll be going to that meeting, though. There’s, umm, you know, there’s a lot of stuff going on around here.”
She’s trying to be gentle, to be kind . But I don’t need that. I don’t want it. Clover is going to go to that meeting because it’s the best move for her career, and that’s her priority.
I knew that from the beginning, and I may have forgotten these past few weeks, but I’m not forgetting now.
“We’ll be fine, Clover. I have my arm back. Nothing is keeping me from handling it like I did before you got here. Don’t delay on our account.”
The look that crosses over her face nearly drives me to my knees to beg for forgiveness. It’s like I’ve slapped her, her mouth falling open in a hurt little O.
“Oh, right. Of course. I suppose you know what’s best for the ranch anyway.” She blinks rapidly, her stare going from the ground to the sky and then to the house. “I, umm, I don’t have anything ready of course, so don’t go changing the locks on me just yet.”
Clover forces out a laugh, but the sound is half-hearted, dead.
It’s bizarre to be on this end, actually. I’ve never dumped anyone, and as much as I wanted to say—wanted to believe—that we weren’t dating, that’s just what I did.
I dumped her…like a sack of potatoes. Just like Leah did to you.
My breath hitches in my chest, and I do my best to hide it. I won’t fall apart. I won’t play it like I’m the hurt one because it’s clear I’ve just broken Clover’s heart.
It’s what she was going to do to you, Brooks. You’re just beating her to the punch.
“Just, umm…” It’s my turn to swallow down the rising emotions. “…just let me know.”
“Of course.” Clover nods. “I’ll…I’m going to go inside. It’s a bit too windy out here for me.”
There’s not a stitch of wind, not really. A breeze at best, and my chest squeezes as Clover turns her back and heads inside.
There was nothing good about that. There was nothing pleasant or relieving. I hated every moment, and I hate this moment, too.
Regret and anger and sorrow swirl through me like a storm. I can see the dark clouds on the horizon of my mind, thunder rumbling in the distance.
There’s going to be a lot of damage from this one, ball lightning flaring through the invisible sky. And I’ll be lucky if I wind up with even half the heart I have now.
Because Lord knows most of it is walking away through the screen door right now.
Dammit.