Chapter 23
CARA
I peep into the kitchen, where Max and Nina are drawing together.
There is a large art book open on the table before them for reference, and I smile slightly as I watch them hard at work.
They are so focused, I know that I won’t be disturbed when I slip off to the bathroom to do what needs to be done.
And to figure out if this period running late is something I need to seriously concern myself with.
I didn’t even notice, until a few days ago, that I had missed my period entirely.
In fact, I had been so distracted by keeping on top of everything, it had seemed impossible to focus on anything other than the matter at hand—taking care of the children, trying to navigate the new security he has brought in, and attempting to find a way to convince Alexei to meet with me so I can point out how little he needs all of this.
I’m certain that my daughter is already beginning to notice how the walls are closing in on her, and I don’t want to have to explain that there is no chance of any of that changing anytime soon.
But then, a couple of nights ago, it hit me that I haven’t had my period in two whole months.
And so much has been going on, it could easily be stress causing this to happen.
Could easily be nothing. But I couldn’t get it out of my mind that there was something more pressing going on here, and I would do anything to calm the rushing in my mind that insists something more is happening inside me.
I managed to convince Marsha to get me a pregnancy test. She agreed to pick a couple up for me on a pharmacy run, and, when I grasped her arm and pleaded with her not to tell Alexei, her face softened for the first time since I’d met her.
“I know,” she had replied gently, patting my hand lightly. “You have nothing to worry about. I won’t say a word to him.”
“Thank you,” I breathed.
She seems to know everything that was happening in this house, and it wouldn’t have surprised me if she had caught on to the fact that there was something going on between Alexei and me.
I’m just glad that she doesn’t seem interested in carving out more than she already has.
I don’t want to have to explain it all to her, the weight of everything I’ve been through, the strange draw that pulls me back to him no matter how keenly I try to resist it.
Though he seems to have been able to push that aside with great ease, given that I’ve hardly seen him the last couple of weeks, since he rescued me from Vinski’s grip.
He has checked in on Nina, made sure that she is recovering well, but that’s about all I’ve heard from him in the time since he got us out. Is that all that matters to him?
I’ve turned it over more times than I would care to admit inside my head, mind racing.
I unwrap the pregnancy test that is stuffed into my pocket as I slip into the bathroom, locking the door behind me to make sure I won’t be disturbed.
I don’t want to have to explain to Nina or Max what I’m doing here, not really.
I can’t even imagine how confusing it would be, especially for Nina, to have to consider the possibility of another sibling.
Not that she even knows about the one she has now, of course, since I haven’t exactly sat down and told her everything that is going on with Max.
Fuck, this is all such a mess, and now, if I’m pregnant...
I push that thought aside as I sit down, trying to remind myself that I’m doing nothing more than taking a test.
Everything is going to be fine, I tell myself. The chances are low.
I take the test as quickly as I can and read the instructions a half-dozen times over as I wait for the results to come back. I chew my lip, watching and waiting for the small panel to pop up and tell me my fate.
And the two minutes soon count down, and I look back at the test, sitting on the edge of the sink.
It shows two small pink lines, side by side. I grab it and take another look, assuming that my vision must be blurred from the stress or something because there is no way, there is just no way, that I can be looking at what I think I’m right now.
But there it is. As clear as day. Sitting there, right in the palm of my hand.
A positive pregnancy test.
I close my fist around the plastic strip so tightly that I feel it buckle and break beneath my grip. Oh, my God. This can’t be right, can it? I rip the other one out of the package and into my hand and try to ignore how badly my fingers are shaking as I take the second.
The next countdown goes a hell of a lot quicker, heart pounding inside my chest as I hold out for the result. And there it is again, those same two little pinks lines, announcing the very same thing that I don’t want to admit.
I’m really and truly pregnant.
I wash my hands, splashing some water on my face before I lock eyes with myself in the mirror. I can see the terror written in my eyes as the reality of it begins to sink in. I can’t believe this has happened again.
I feel like I’ve been whipped back through time, back to the moment when I first discovered that I had fallen pregnant with Nina.
And it’s the same man, the same situation, all over again, the same mess that I’ve managed to walk myself straight into, with no idea how, if at all, I’ll be able to get out.
My hands are shaking helplessly as I try to calm myself.
What the hell happens now? It’s not as though I can hide something like this from him, if I’m living right here under his roof, but at the same time, how will I explain it?
What will he do? Will he be angry at me, furious that I’ve managed to make a mess of everything like this?
I mean, if I choose to, I don’t have to tell him about it at all. I could go and deal with this pregnancy in another way, and nobody would ever have to find out a thing about it. But even that is enough to send a heavy pang coursing through my system. I can’t do that.
But I don’t want this baby to have the same life as Max, Nina, or me. I doubt there’s any way to change Alexei’s mind.
No, I need to do something to fix this though.
Something to make this right. Not just for this child, but for Nina and Max, too.
They deserve a chance to live normal lives, or something close to them.
This child inside of me, the children a couple of rooms away, they are relying on me, and I refuse to fail them.
Even if it means standing up to the scariest man I’ve ever known in the process.
I stuff the pregnancy tests to the bottom of the trash can and pile some crap on top of them to make it look as though there is nothing worth noticing in there.
And, as I catch a glimpse of those two pink lines gazing back up at me, I steel every inch of my resolve.
Alexei might think the choices have been made, but he has another thing coming, that’s for damn sure.
For the sake of these children. And for the sake of the life had I had long-since promised myself I would never let slip through my fingers again.