Chapter 22
CARA
I fiddle with my phone, wondering if it’s too late to call Sophie.
It’s nearly nine, and both Max and Nina are asleep.
I managed to give them a pretty normal day today, despite everything that has happened, and I’m grateful that they seem to have passed out without much protest. But that has left me with a whole lot of time to myself, and, quite frankly, it’s the last thing I need right now.
Because I’ve been stuck in my head since the last time I really saw Alexei, when he left the bedroom after we spent the night together, intent on putting in the work on the security around here to make sure that nobody else would get a chance to make a move against him.
Try as I might, I can’t shake the feeling that this is the kind of thing that is only going to make the situation worse, not better.
Nina, for her part, is still shaken by the events she had to endure, jumping at every little noise, looking over her shoulder as if she expects someone to spring out on her at any moment.
I’ve tried to soothe her, convince her that this place is totally safe, but I’m not sure if she believes me.
I’m not sure if she believes anything that is coming out of my mouth, honestly, not after what happened, and I can’t blame after.
And it hasn’t helped that I’ve felt as though I’m losing my mind up in here, with all the restrictions placed on me. Without Alexei to remonstrate with, I’m completely helpless against all of it.
I close my eyes, rubbing a hand over my face as I try to calm myself.
There are times, when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, that I can almost hear my mother’s voice at the back of my mind, telling me that I’m selfish and stupid for trying to make it on my own, that I’ve no gratitude for everything they did for me, and that I should be ashamed of myself for running off and getting myself pregnant with a man who’s name I didn’t even know.
Shit, I doubt she’d even be the only one to say that. I know that the way I’ve gone about building my family is unorthodox, to say the least.
I dial my sister’s number and lift the phone to my ear, wrapping a loose thread around my finger before I pull it loose.
I haven’t spoken to her in a while, and I don’t intend to tell her about the attack that saw Nina and I kidnapped.
That would only worry her, and besides, I’m not sure if I can even think about it for that long without having some kind of panic attack.
She answers after a few rings, and, just like before, I can hear her cooking something. I smile slightly; that little taste of normalcy, after the mess that my life has been, feels like a salve to my soul, however brief.
“Hey,” she greets me. “Haven’t heard from you in a while, you had me worried...”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I reply, pinching my nose between my fingertips. I can recall now how freaked she was when she found out about who I was working for, and I didn’t mean to leave her in the lurch. But, as it turned out, she was entirely right.
“You okay?”
“Fine,” I lie swiftly, but she sees through it at once.
“You don’t sound fine.”
“I didn’t realize that I could sound one way or another in particular...”
“Well, you can, and you do,” she replies. “So what’s going on with you?”
I part my lips, trying to find the words to even begin to tell her what has been going on in my head.
I’m not sure she would believe me even if I were to lay it out in complete honesty, but then, given how frantic she was when she first found out about Alexei, maybe she would.
I decide to withhold some of the details, at least for now, make sure that I don’t give away more than I intend to.
“Uh, things are... okay,” I reply, after a long pause. “Alexei, he brought in some new security detail over the last few days, and it’s been... tough.”
That’s putting it lightly. I can almost see that reporter’s instinct in my sister’s eyes, the way she cocks her eyebrow when she senses there is something going on just out of sight that she wants to dig into.
“Tough? Tough how?”
“Tough like... like it reminds me of home.”
She sucks in a breath. “Yeah, that’s not ideal,” she mutters. “Have you spoken to him about it? Figured out if there’s a way you could avoid all of this?”
“I mean, I’ve tried,” I reply. “But it’s not like he’s particularly keen on listening to me, all things considered.”
“Seems like a guy like that doesn’t appreciate being told what to do, huh?” she adds. “Has Nina noticed? I mean, she must have, right? You didn’t even have a working lock on the front door of your old apartment building, she’s not used to being kept anywhere for that length of time...”
“Not really,” I admit. “She’s become pretty good friends with his son, and I think that’s distracting her enough for now. But...”
She knows what I’m thinking and fills in the blanks for me before I can finish it up. “But it’s bringing back some memories for you, huh? Mom and Dad locking us away and saying it’s for the best?”
I chew my lip, flopping back on to my bed. “Yeah...”
She sighs heavily. “Look, babe, I know exactly what you’re going through,” she explains. “And you can’t let that man get under your skin like that. Even if he has to keep the place safe, you need to live your life. You work for him, but that doesn’t mean you’re his damn prisoner...”
“No, I know,” I agree. “And I’ve tried to bring it up with him, but it just feels like it’s falling on deaf ears.
He doesn’t want to hear it. He’s too worried about what might happen…
” I stop myself in my tracks. I’ve already said enough.
But she spots my sudden reticence and goes searching for more.
“If what? Has he said something to you?” she asks with concern. “Were there threats? Attacks? I told you, you would be safer out of that house...”
“No,” I lie quickly. She doesn’t need to hear about all the gory details of what happened when we were taken, I know it would only frighten her, and she doesn’t deserve to have to worry about it when we are out and the man who took us is already dead. But...
“But he’s acting like it’s only a matter of time before the kids are targeted,” I reply. “And I don’t know if that’s true and he’s doing the right thing, or...”
“Or if he’s just coming up with reasons to keep you under lock and key,” she finishes up for me. “Yeah, I get it. I’d go crazy if I couldn’t live my life...”
“But I guess this is what I signed up for when I took the job, right?” I reason, half with her and half with myself. “I knew it was going to be demanding, what with having to sign all those forms before I came here.”
“And you can’t sign away your freedom on any form, no matter how iron-clad it is,” she replies firmly. “There’s got to be a happy medium, right, where you can take care of the kids without putting them in danger and live without being watched at every turn.”
I feel a prickle on the back of my neck, and suddenly glance around the bedroom, as though there might be security cameras watching over me right now.
I had practically insisted that my room be left untouched, and mercifully Alexei had agreed to that, but I wasn’t sure I entirely trusted that I wasn’t being listened to in here.
“Yeah, I know,” I sigh. “I just don’t know how to get that through to him. Feels like I’m...”
“Like you’re living at home again?”
“Mhm.”
“Well, I don’t know about you,” she replies.
“But I promised myself that I would never go back to living like that. And you have Nina to think about, too, right? You don’t want her growing up thinking this level control is a normal thing for a man to have over you, whether it’s her father or her boss. ..”
“Yeah, of course,” I agree, a twinge of guilt in my stomach.
As much as I want to think that all of this is primarily my own issue, the truth of it is that kids pick up on so much more than you give them credit for.
My daughter could have already caught on to the fact that he has so much control over us, and I don’t want her to think that’s what she should expect.
“Do you need me to help?” she asks, lowering her voice slightly, clearly concerned. “If you want me to send someone…”
“No, no, I just needed to talk,” I reply quickly.
I have a feeling that, if I let my sister into all of this, she will work out that there is something physical going on between Alex and I, and I really don’t want to have to explain to her that there are some versions of his controlling nature that I actually enjoy.
“Are you sure? Because you know if you need help, I’ll be there.”
I rub my hand over my face. I know she will, of course.
She always has been, just the same way I’ve for her.
But I don’t know what she can do in all of this.
Alexei has it in his mind that he has to keep me under surveillance at all times, and the kids are caught up in it.
I don’t even want to think what might happen if I try to set foot outside this place again.
I can already imagine the way he’ll explode.
Something needs to change, but I don’t know what.
We’re at a stalemate right now, and I can’t get him to see the truth of what I need.
I could come clean to him about my past, but I don’t know how much that would help.
Maybe the best I can do for now is keep my head down and hope that he will loosen his grip eventually, even if that is starting to feel less and less likely with every passing day.
“Anyway, I don’t want to talk about me anymore,” I tell her, shaking my head to try and dislodge the thought and turning back to her. “What’s been going on with you? How’s work...?”
And, as she starts to fill me in, I flip over on the bed and stare at the wall, listening to her familiar voice and trying to remind myself of the world that exists beyond the bounds of this place.
Still, my sister’s voice feels like a stark reminder that there’s so much going on out there, so much of the world for me to dive into if I can just figure all of this out.
Maybe it would be easier if I didn’t feel the way I did about him, if there wasn’t this clenching, urgent need to be close to him—if I could’ve just walked away and left it all behind, maybe it would have been tearing me up inside less than it is right now.
The thought of being so far from him scares me, for more than just the reasons that I know he is so obsessed with right now.
But, as it stands, I know that I cannot just leave him.
It took us years to find each other again, for better or worse, and I refuse to step aside and just let all that go.
The connection with have, as marred as it is by his obsessive ways, is not the kind of thing I can find just anywhere with anyone.
I’m all too aware of that fact, all too unwilling to let it slip through my fingers...
Even if it might cost me my freedom.