14. Xaden
FOURTEEN
Xaden
It’s been a week since I got Ivy out of that bar, one week since I shared a car ride with her, and one week since I was inches from kissing her.
We’ve danced around each other in a mask of professionalism and platonic acceptance. Ivy seems to be handling it well enough, even if those random texts she gets continue to frighten her enough to notice.
Me on the other hand, I’m not handling it.
Every moment is like crawling over broken glass. All I want to do is ask about the messages, find out why Ivy is so clearly scared.
All I want is to protect her from whatever is out there that worries her, any and every threat she might see that I can’t right now.
All I fucking want is to be around her—always.
And that can’t happen. Everything I said in the car was true, and now, I see it even more. Our run-in that night has affected our day-to-day, and I don’t want that.
I don’t want Ivy resenting me or leaving Daisy. I don’t want her to change her mind and see me as unsafe.
Dammit. This is why you never…
The thought drifts off. I don’t want to finish it even though I already know what I was going for.
Standing up from my bed, I stretch and sigh. Any notion of sneaking in a nap while Daisy is at Mason’s playing with Mia and Ivy has the day off is thoroughly squashed.
It’s the weekend, and I know that I should just take this time to relax, but my mind is just churning and churning and churning.
Because…
Because I haven’t dated since Maeve, and I shouldn’t be thinking about it.
I haven’t slept with anyone, and I haven’t been intimate with anyone in any way, shape, or form since I lost my wife.
I haven’t wanted to—until now. And Christ, do I feel guilty about that.
It’s like a betrayal of the relationship we had. Daisy is here, proof of Maeve’s existence, and the poor girl barely remembers her mother.
How do I bring another woman into my life when it’s very possible that she’ll override any memories Daisy does have?
Everything would be so much easier if Ivy wasn’t as incredible as she is with Daisy, if Ivy wasn’t so incredible with everything.
And she’s been staring at me, those peridot eyes finding me wherever I am.
At least, I think she has. God, I don’t want to be reading into the situation, but I swear whenever we’re alone together—when the quiet stretches long—I feel pulled to Ivy like a magnet, and her gaze isn’t something I’d consider platonic at all.
Tension weaves through every moment between us like a strand of red ribbon, contrasting with the mute grays of my current existence.
Even these past few torturous days have been happier than any I’ve had in so long—perhaps ever.
How am I this stupid? She’s the nanny, for fuck’s sake. Ivy has just met me and has no reason to stick around Red Lodge .
Nagging insecurity itches at my skin as I stalk around my bedroom, pacing around as I try to think of something to do with the pent-up energy snaking through me.
Ivy has no reason to stay.
And that’s what scares me most of all. I lost my wife. Daisy lost her mother. I can’t put either of us through that again. I’m not sure I’d survive it.
Besides, what kind of father would I be if I dragged someone into my life only to have them leave? What kind of message would that send my daughter? That partners come and go?
That she shouldn’t get attached to someone, particularly a mother figure, because they could very well leave you?
“Ugh!”
None of this moping is helping, of course. I need to sort myself out, and I’m not about to do that by internally whining to myself.
Daisy is still happily playing. It’s only been like twenty minutes since I dropped her off. Maybe I should just go for a run to clear my head.
So, I hurry over to the closet and get changed into some running shorts and an exercise tank. It’s chilly outside, but I know I’ll heat up quickly enough.
Pulling on my shoes, I jog down the stairs, snagging my headphones so that I can drown out my thoughts to some music.
I don’t need my keys since the front door has a biometric scanner, so I’m ready to go once I have my phone hooked up to Spotify and blasting some good, old-fashioned classic rock.
Moody fucking blues no longer.
As I leave the house behind me, the pounding of my feet creates a drumbeat rhythm through my entire body. Pound, pound, pound .
I begin to lose myself to the steady footfalls, the exertion that grabs hold of me, the way my lungs start to burn as I run faster and faster.
And for a while, the world drops away. I’m in my body, experiencing just the physical things that I’m demanding of it. But I track time, and I know that I need to head back.
I’m also pushing myself harder than I should.
Turning around, I run back to my house, breathing in the autumn air.
“Damn, I’m actually pretty tired right now.”
My words huff out, and I think I’ll actually be able to leave the brain spiral behind me until it’s time to get Daisy tonight.
It all crashes down around me as I see Ivy sitting outside on her porch with a drink in her hand.
I love that she lives next door, and I hate it.
She perks up as she sees me, her eyes running over my body. I’m sweating and flushed from running, and it’s a relief to know those things are helping to disguise the awkward tension bubbling in my blood.
“Oh, hey, Xaden. Going for a run?”
Ivy’s voice is light and nonchalant, and if it weren’t for the fact that yesterday she didn’t so much as say a word to me that wasn’t about Daisy, I might actually have bought her act.
She’s been ducking out of the room whenever we’re alone for too long. She’s been keeping several feet between us, too.
And I should remember that that’s a good thing. We need to keep our distance. And yet…
“Yeah. Daisy is at Mason’s for a while. What are you up to?”
“Oh, I just thought I’d enjoy a drink as the sun goes down. Shouldn’t be long now before we get those beautiful colors.”
“No, not long at all.”
The words are hollow. The only coloring filling my mind is the green before me—that gorgeous green that stares back at me each day, entrancing me more and more.
“Did you, umm…” Ivy’s words trail off, and I wait, unsure of what to say or do. “Did you want one? I know it’s not very healthy after a run, but it sure is tasty.”
I can’t help but laugh, and I nod. “Sure, that’d be great.”
Standing up from her little bench seat, Ivy wraps her blanket around her shoulders tighter, and I follow her inside as she holds the door open behind her.
“Do you want the same thing? Or should I make you something different? I have to be honest my options are limited.”
She seems to be able to get me to laugh no matter what mood I’m in. As I chuckle, trailing along as she heads to a small bar setup she’s made on one corner of her kitchen counter, I take in Ivy’s house a bit more.
It’s in rough shape and needs plenty of work, but I can see that she’s been tackling one project at a time.
The old wallpaper I remember from the few times I said hello to the previous tenant is gone, and the floors I walk on now are beautiful.
I’m glad I was able to help Ivy find someone to do the work for her at a reasonable cost, even if I had to nag Damon into cutting her a break on my behalf.
“What are you having?”
She turns around with a grin, resting back against the counter and still wearing her blanket over her shoulders.
“Apple cider with whiskey in it.”
I smile. “Sounds perfect.”
Ivy whips up a drink of my very own, and it’s not long before we’re chatting. As much as there should be tension, making every word like pulling a tooth, I can’t help but relax around her.
She puts me at ease even as she drives me wild in a way that I still have trouble wrapping my brain around.
You shouldn’t be feeling this way. She’s your nanny.
But my brain can tell my heart that a million times, and I know it’s never going to go along with it.
I just…like her— a lot .
We sit on her couch with our drinks, and before I know it, there’s another drink, and we’re sitting closer.
“You know you keep this up, and you’ll get me drunk. That what you want?” I cock a brow at her, smirking.
Ivy giggles, sipping at her own concoction, her cheeks a delightful pink. “Two toddies, and you’re out? What a lightweight.”
Nudging her with my foot, I snicker, narrowing my eyes at her. “Oh, I’ll drink you under the table, little thing. Need I remind you I’m like twice your size.”
“Trust me,” Ivy drawls, “I’m very unlikely to forget how big you are.”
We both pause for a moment, hearing the innuendo, and Ivy’s stare goes down into her glass. She swallows, releasing a long breath through her nose.
As she looks back up at me, my blood is overheated, every inch of my skin itchy and humming to do something, to…make some type of move.
Xade…
“Okay, enough’s enough. What are we doing, Xaden? What is…” she gestures between us, “this?”
Well, fuck. That was direct.