15. Ivy
FIFTEEN
Ivy
Xaden freezes, just blinking at me like I’ve given him a pop quiz about trigonometry or something. My heart is in my throat, and I can hear it screaming in my ears.
I didn’t necessarily mean to blurt it out like that, but these past few days of dancing around each other have gotten to me. Something was going to break—apparently, it was the dam that kept my words in.
Still, I’m also not blind, and I’m not stupid. I’ve noticed how we act around each other, and as much as I have been “denial girl,” I just…can’t anymore.
I’ve seen my own worries reflected in Xaden’s eyes, and I understand it. I do.
With all he’s lost and the things he hasn’t told me yet, I know why he feels so torn.
His words from that night have burned a hole into my heart, though. I can’t stop playing them in my head, wanting to follow through with that thread.
“Ivy, I…”
His words trail off, but I don’t rush him. I’ll wait as long as Xaden needs me to.
Because these feelings have been suffocating me. I can’t keep it bottled up anymore. I do want Xaden. I think I have since the beginning, too.
If he’s not into this now, I will back up. I just…I need to know.
“Look, Xaden, there’s no pressure. If you want to call the other night a fluke, I’m fine with it. I just…there’s something here, and I need to know what to do about it. Go forward or fall back?”
My eyes are stinging. I don’t want to examine why.
I mean, sure, a part of me is already screaming that letting this all drop away seems about as much fun as eating glass, but I’m not about to push it.
I can’t be that girl, that person. I won’t push anything on anyone— ever .
With a sigh, Xaden’s head falls, and he rakes a hand through his hair. “Ivy, this is just…wow, I was not expecting this.”
My brows pinch together. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to spring it on you like that.”
He lets out a gentle chuckle, and the couch rustles as Xaden adjusts in his seat, putting his empty glass down on the coffee table.
I’m not sure why, but I cringe as he sets it there. The coffee table is a pisspoor excuse for a table, a dented piece that I picked up at the local thrift shop.
One leg is shorter than the others, and I have to stick a folded-up piece of cardboard beneath it to balance the stupid thing.
“You weren’t exactly subtle, huh?” Xaden looks back up at me, and that very specific tightness in my chest hits me, making me that much more aware of my heartbeat. “I think I’m grateful for it, though.”
I can’t help but grin lightly, my head cocking to the side as I regard him. “Yeah?”
“I don’t know, Ivy.” Xade shrugs, but as soon as the gesture is over, his eyes find mine like a laser. “Something deep inside me wants to find out what this is, and that’s the scary part. I shouldn’t feel this way about you, but…I do.”
Gigantic butterflies swoop through my stomach, and I have to swallow. It’s an effort to get down the dregs of my drink, but I do, setting the glass behind me on the side table when it’s empty.
“I know the rules, too, Xaden. But it’s not like either of us planned this. I…I’m scared, too. For a lot of reasons, actually. Maybe that’s why being around you feels so nice? I don’t feel so afraid when I’m with you.”
Xaden reaches across the short distance to my hand, taking it and squeezing. “I’m really happy about that, Ivy. I hate to see you so on edge all the time. If I can ease that, well, I feel damn accomplished.”
I smile, my heart still pounding up a storm. “Are you sure…are you sure that it’s me? That you’re not just intrigued by the situation?”
The laugh that cuts through Xaden isn’t necessarily based on humor. I can see the surprise as he shakes his head, his brows going up.
“Absolutely not the situation. That’s what’s freaking me out. I mean, mostly. There’s also the fact that I’m attracted to another woman, and that still feels…weird after everything. But…that’s just it, Ivy. I haven’t been. Nothing going on over here.” He gestures to himself, pausing his words. “Not until you.”
Heat swells in my cheeks, embarrassment and appreciation warring for air time. “Xaden, I’m just some chick from New York. I swear I’m nothing special.”
In a quick move, he scoots closer to me on the couch, his knees bumping into mine as he takes my other hand, now holding them both.
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’ve seen you with Daisy. It’s remarkable how you’ve made her feel comfortable and appreciated. I’ve seen you around the house, doing tiny things that mean more than you know, like getting my lunch prepared and making sure to stock up on hot cocoa because we all like to have it before bed.
You’re incredible, and…it is you, Ivy. It’s not the intrigue of you being the nanny. It’s not because you live next door, and it’s not because it’s been a while, and I’m looking for something. I wasn’t looking for anything . But everything you do has pushed you more and more into my head.”
I can’t speak, and Xaden’s hand moves to my face as he squeezes my fingers with the other. His palm is warm and comforting against my skin, and I’m pretty damn sure that my heart is going to burst through my ribcage.
“I am a total mess, Ivy. But…” his words linger as Xaden leans closer to me. “I think I want to try.”
“Xaden, I…”
But there are no words. None will genuinely reflect the enormity of this moment. My eyes flick up to Xaden’s, and our stares lock onto each other’s before we both steal looks at the other’s lips.
I just…I want to be happy—for as long as I can be.
We move in sync, rushing forward toward each other and crashing our lips together. The kiss is frenzy and fire, and I wrap my arms around Xaden’s neck as he pulls me onto his lap.
The universe ceases to exist; the only thing that matters is the sensation of Xaden’s tongue sweeping across the seam of my lips.
I eagerly let him in, and we explore each other, fire swelling in my blood enough to make me dizzy.
He feels velvety soft against me and tastes like heaven, with hints of cinnamon and cider and whiskey on his tongue. A tiny moan escapes me as Xaden deepens the kiss, pulling me closer.
It’s a moment and centuries at the same time, and then Xaden’s lips travel over my chin toward my neck. His breath tickles just a hair, and then he drags his caresses across my throat.
“Ivy…” He hums against my skin. “Goddamn, you’re perfect.”
My chest swells at the praise, and even more, the touches Xaden delivers are intoxicating, pulling me further and further out of my head and into my body.
It’s the best kind of distraction from reality, and I wouldn’t let anyone else take me to this incredible place.
It has to be Xaden. It’s always been Xaden.
My head falls back as his lips crawl down over my chest, his hand coming up to push aside the blanket that surrounds my shoulders. It tumbles to the couch in a whoosh of fabric, and I shiver, though it has nothing to do with being cold.
In fact, I’m boiling, a steady pulse beating with heat and need deep in my core.
“God, the taste of you,” Xaden mumbles against my skin, and I smile, my eyes rolling closed.
Clinging to his muscular arms, I’m leaned back by Xaden’s efforts to kiss every inch of me. And fuck do I want him to.
But then it hits me how ridiculous I must look to him. I wasn’t exactly planning for this, so I’m just wearing a pair of my fleece-lined leggings and an oversized sweatshirt.
There are pumpkins on it, for Christ’s sake, and I have on the thickest, tallest socks I own.
Not exactly sexy, Ivy.
Xaden nips at my neck, driving my thoughts away, and as he adjusts his hips, I feel the straining length behind his shorts.
Oh damn. That’s…
My pussy clamps down on nothing. If that brief treat is anything to go by, Xaden is exceptionally endowed.
“This sweatshirt needs to go.” His voice is a raspy demand that goes straight to my center, and he reaches for the hem to pull the thing over my head.
I’m not about to fight it, so I lift my arms, separating us briefly as Xaden yanks the offending fabric up and off me, flinging it to the floor.
“Fuuuck,” Xaden drags out, his eyes devouring me as they roam over my bare skin and bra.
It wasn’t that cold, so I’ve just got the bra on, having chosen to forgo a shirt beneath the sweatshirt.
At least, this part isn’t that bad, if only because it was laundry day, and I only had the fancy one left. I’ve never been so happy to not be in a bralette .
I’m not a small-chested woman, but I’m not rocking D-cups either. Right in the middle, I usually wear wireless, stretchy things. Not today.
Today, I’m wearing a maroon bra with translucent cups. The deeper skin of my nipples is just noticeable, and the underwire has pushed up the girls just enough to give me the beginnings of cleavage.
I can feel how pink my cheeks must be, and I roll my lips between my teeth, chewing on the bottom one.
Xaden takes my chin, forcing me to look up at him, and he meets my stare without blinking.
“You are so gorgeous, Ivy. Don’t ever believe otherwise.”
My smile is natural and honest, and then it’s rapidly pushed away as Xaden wraps his arm around my back and pulls me to his mouth.
His kiss is a wonder, and then it’s moving down again, this time without the sweatshirt to stop him. My brain spins as Xaden licks and caresses my skin, moving down, down, down.
Lips trail across the extremely thin fabric of my bra, and a moan slips free. I arch up as Xaden finds my nipple, closing his mouth around it through the material.
“Xaden!”
It’s wickedly good, feeling him nibble at the hard nub through my bra. I can feel the cloth dampen as he sucks on me, and my pussy pulses with desire.
He’s barely done anything at this point, and I’m going to explode.
“That’s it, Ivy. Ugh, that’s so good.”
Xaden’s words sound strangled, and I crane my neck up to look at him. He meets my eyes, his reflecting a battle between desire and hesitation.
“You’re sure, Xaden? I don’t want you to feel?—”
He puts a finger to my lips, smiling gently. “Yes. I…this is a lot, but I want this. Now .”
I can’t respond because his lips find my breast again, and it’s enough to force the remaining logic from my mind. Instead, I allow myself to be at his mercy, and Xaden takes full advantage.
Before long, he’s pulled my socks and leggings off, and I lie there on the couch in just my bra and panties. Nervousness swells, but Xaden yanks his shirt over his head, dropping the exercise tank to the floor.
“Holy shit.”
My eyes are as wide as saucers, I’m sure, and Xaden cocks a smirk. “Why, thank you.”
He has nothing to be shy about. It’s like his muscles—his abs—have been sculpted from marble.
I’m definitely not pulling back now. Jesus, he’s gorgeous.
Diving back into action, Xaden is quick to return his kisses to my neck and chest as he pushes the straps of my bra down my shoulders. I’m eager to help him get my arms through them.
Xaden reaches behind my back, his fingers going to the clasp. I’m ready to lend a hand, but after a bit of digging, he pops the hook and eye closures free.
“Look at that. I remembered.”
Laughing lightly, I grin up at him, pulling his mouth down to mine so that I can taste him again. It’s intoxicating, better than any whiskey, and as we tangle together, Xaden reaches for the bra, and it joins our clothes on the floor.
My heart pounds as Xaden travels his kisses down again, and I tremble slightly as he reaches my breast again.
Eyes squeezed shut, I wait nervously for Xaden to say something, but when he does, it’s not what I expect.
“Ivy,” he swirls his tongue around my pert nipple, gripping my breast tightly, “holy God. I’ve been dreaming of this, and this? So much better.”
Euphoria, bliss, joy, all those imperfect words for what I’m feeling zing through my mind as I smile, melting into Xaden’s touch.
And then, he starts moving even lower.