26. Ivy
TWENTY-SIX
Ivy
I flush the toilet again to make sure that everything goes down the drain. Sam rubs my back, helping me to stand up and get to the sink to rinse up.
For now, at least, it feels like the churning in my stomach has stopped. I slurp up some water from the sink and swish it around before spitting.
“Okay, let’s get you to the bed.”
Sam is being so incredible, but my thoughts haven’t stopped storming since I considered I might be pregnant, and seeing that I am has not helped.
“I can’t sit right now.” I start pacing through my room again, and Sam tracks me across the room as I walk back and forth repeatedly. “This…this wasn’t supposed to happen. I don’t understand.”
What am I going to tell Xaden? This was never meant to happen. How is it me who gets to be the lucky one who gets pregnant while on the pill? I can’t believe this.
“I know. It’s definitely a surprise. And hey, I know you’re beyond overwhelmed right now. But you need to consider what you want to do. Do you want a baby?”
I put shaking hands to my face, burying it there so that I don’t have to see the light.
“I mean, I did. I’ve wanted kids. But now? With Xaden? I mean, I don’t know.”
The nausea starts to swell again, and I walk back to the bathroom to splash more cold water on my face in an attempt to get it to back off.
After a few tries, it seems to work.
“It’s going to be okay, Ivy. You just need to be honest with yourself.” I meet Sam’s eyes through her reflection in my bathroom mirror. “Do you want to keep it or not. I have zero judgment. I promise. I’ve had to take Plan B after a condom broke, and I was prepared to have an abortion if it got that far. Luckily, it didn’t. So, what do you want to do?”
My stare drops to the sink. I map out the lighter portions of porcelain created by the reflecting light. The drain needs to be cleaned, and I can see an eyelash clinging to the surface even after using the water.
Okay, Ivy. What do you want?
“I think…” I look up at my reflection, facts about my life and who I am running through my head. “I think I want it. This is my life, right? I don’t know what the future holds, but being a mother is something I’ve wanted.”
Sam nods, walking up and putting her hand on my shoulder. “Okay. Then be one. But you need to talk to Xaden. You don’t necessarily need him to agree to have this or not, but he should know, and the longer you wait to tell him, the harder it will be.”
My stomach clenches again. “I…”
But the words trail off.
The wave of worry washing over me is beyond intense. What if Xaden is upset? What if he is angry with me because he thinks I did this on purpose?
What if he wants nothing to do with me after this? What if everything that I’ve tried so hard to build with him—after everything he’s done, too—blows up in my face?
I can’t deal with all this. I was just getting settled here, and?—
“Hey, you’re spiraling again. I can see it. Take a breath, hun.”
Looking over at Sam, I watch as she sucks in air and releases it. I try to mimic her, knowing that it really does help when you can actually do it.
“You’re right. About the spiraling, too.” I laugh half-heartedly. “I need to do the right thing and tell Xaden. I can wait to tell my sister and anyone else until I’m far enough along. But I’ll tell Xaden…tomorrow. I’ll tell him over dinner.”
Sam nods at me, encouraging me silently as I come up with a plan.
“Okay. Umm…let me call him, would you?”
“Of course. I’ll be right here. We can stay in for the night and relax.”
Weirdly, that’s what gets me choked up. I have to clear my throat several times and fan my face to keep myself from sobbing.
“I’m going to call right now.” I walk over to my nightstand, where my cell is still charging, and find Xaden’s number. “Okay.”
Ring, ring, ring.
“Hey, Ivy. What’s up? You feeling better?”
Xaden’s voice is light and cheery. He’s been hanging out with Daisy all day, and that tension in my chest ratchets up another notch.
“Umm, a bit, yeah. Hey, umm, I wanted to invite you and Daisy over for dinner tomorrow. I’m going to catch up on some sleep today, but I wanted to see you guys. We can watch a movie after.”
“I would love to, and I know that Daisy is on board. She’s been missing you. Me too.”
Conflicting emotions tunnel through me—longing, fear, love. I breathe through my nose, closing my eyes as I try to focus.
“Great.” I smile, unable to keep it away even after all this. “I miss you too.”
“It’s a date then. And yeah, go get some rest, babe. We’ll see you tomorrow, and I’ll make sure to come ready for a backrub.”
My eyes well up, and I do my best to keep the emotion from my voice. “You’re the best. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you soon, babe.”
With that, I hang up, and the tears spill over onto my cheeks. Xaden is genuinely an incredible man. He’s understanding and caring. He’s a wonderful father, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would be a fantastic spouse, too.
I want this to work out. God, I want this to work out more than anything in the world. But if he’s too triggered by the pregnancy, I’ll understand.
And I’ll carry these memories with me as I go forward from there.
Slumping onto the bed, I toss my phone to the side and sigh. My head is spinning, and I put my hand to my forehead.
“I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.”
Sam is right beside me, pulling me in for a hug. “I get that. So, I’m going to order some takeout to eat right here in bed. You can totally turn it down, but I know you’re empty, so you should eat something.”
“You are the best friend in the world, Sam. I would be so alone without you.” I lean into her, soaking up every bit of the hug.
“Eh, I’m okay.” She grins, shrugging. “But if you want to tell my mom that so she stops pestering me about not having a life outside of work, you go right ahead.”
We laugh together, and after a bit, Sam pulls up the online menu for one of her favorite restaurants and places an order for delivery.
I’m settled in the bed with food on the way when Sam stands up and goes to the other room to make me some tea, which actually sounds appetizing.
“I’ll be right back,” she calls over her shoulder, and I snuggle into the bed, hitting play on Netflix so that we can continue our Supernatural marathon.
My phone buzzes on the bed, and I reach for it, dreading what I feel like would be the cherry on top of this shit cake of a day.
But it’s not the unknown number I’m used to seeing. It’s a different one.
Swiping my phone open, I click on the message.
Hi, Vivi. It’s Mom. I’m really sorry for what went down all those years ago. I want you to know that I’ve changed. I’m not that person who went to prison. I’d like the chance to reconnect with you. Just…give me a chance, yeah?
The nausea begins to swell again, and I close my mouth after it fell open.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
I shake my head, deleting the message and decidedly not dealing with that situation. There are too many things going on right now, and I can’t handle a new one.
I also don’t trust a word my mother says. Both my parents are responsible for what happened, and my mom isn’t getting off the hook just because she served her time.
Focusing on the screen, I let myself fall into the fake world of “the boys.” Sam and Dean’s problems seem a hell of a lot more straightforward than mine, and I’m going to live in there for a little while.