30. Ivy
THIRTY
Ivy
My phone is open to the same message that I’ve been going back to for three days now. I’m getting my rest, but the content of that text has been haunting me.
Aside from the wild argument with Amy that severed her friendship with Xaden, this has been the big news around these parts that’s keeping me up at night.
My mom. My mom wants to talk.
And I don’t know if I should hear her out. I’m not about to forgive her. The things she’s guilty of are too great for me to just bury the hatchet, but I also feel like I need to close that door fully—on my terms.
She wants to reconnect, and I’ll hear what she has to say if only to come back at her with the truth. She abused and neglected me in favor of her drugs and schemes.
My mother made those choices with my father, trying to pay for their debts by…
You don’t do that to people you love. You just don’t.
But I’m still on the fence. Do I really need to drag all this up again? She’s been in prison, and—like my father—she doesn’t have a way to find me.
I can just leave them both in the past and ensure any ties have been cut. It’s that closure thing, though. Part of me wants to say all this to her face.
It’s the things you don’t say that haunt you with sharper claws.
I let out a sigh, sitting up in the bed while Xaden is downstairs working. Daisy is napping, and I’m supposed to be doing the same.
It’s been utterly unsuccessful, though. Grumbling to myself, I decide that there’s only one person I trust getting advice from, and I need to give her a call anyway.
Pulling up my sister on my cell, I swipe to call and wait for her to answer.
“Hey, Ivy! How’s it going?” Jasmine’s perky voice immediately cheers me up.
“Hey, little sis. It’s going good. I just wanted to check in on you. Anything from dad?”
She laughs at me, and I know she’s rolling her eyes right now. “No, Ivy. Still nothing. My foster family has done everything they can to ensure I am safe and sound. Both back home and here at college. You can stop worrying.”
“I’m your big sister,” I reply. “I’ll never stop worrying about you.”
“What about you? I know he’s been messaging. Has it stopped? Have you contacted the authorities?”
I sigh, falling back against the pillows I have propped up behind me. “He has not, and I have not. There’s still too little to report. I just…I feel like he’s getting closer. I have nothing to base that on, though. It’s just a feeling.”
“Ivy, you’re excellent at taking everything to the worst-case scenario, and I know you have a good reason for that, but try to relax. You can’t spend your whole life worrying.”
I can’t help but smile. Worrying has been my profession for longer than child care. “Yeah, about that. Also, I actually called for something else.”
“Oh? What?” I can hear the curiosity in Jasmine’s voice, and I try to tread lightly.
“Mom texted me. I…I was considering calling her. Just to tell her off. You know, finally close that door.”
There’s a pause, and I know Jas is processing the information. She was always the one Mom pretended to dote on, but it came with a firm hand when Jas didn’t do what she wanted “correctly.”
“Damn, okay. I guess they’re both feeling ways about things now that they’re out. Umm…okay. I get it if you want to make that call. Tell Mom how you feel.”
Nodding to no one in particular, I look up at the ceiling as I try to find the words. “There’s been a lot going on around here lately, and it’s made me think about our life. It was…well, you were there. It was fucked. I just…I want to go into this next chapter of my life with nothing weighing me down.”
“I understand, Ivy. I do. You’re an adult. I trust you to make the right move for yourself.”
I can’t help but chuckle at that one. I’ve been making quite a few moves as of late. My mind churns as I hang on the line with Jasmine. I know I was going to wait to tell her, but…
“So, I have some big news, too.” I shut my eyes, breathing through my nose. “I’m…pregnant.”
There’s a beat of silence, and then Jasmine is screaming through the line, and I actually have to pull the phone away from my ear.
“Jesus, Jas! You’re killing my ears!”
She stops and comes back on the line, talking a mile a minute. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I’m going to be an auntie! This is so freaking cool! Ahh, and with the hot dad you’ve been working for! It’s like a Hallmark movie! Oh, I need to fly out there and see you like as soon as I can!”
I’m laughing, happy tears springing to the corner of my eyes. It’s exactly the response I wanted, truthfully.
I don’t have many friends to tell, none actually since Sam was there with me, and celebrating the big news has been in short supply.
Xaden’s reaction was great, don’t get me wrong. I just needed some more fanfare for it all.
“Haha, thanks, Jas. I’m really excited. It was a surprise, of course; I was being super careful, so for the love of all that is holy, if you’re sexually active, please make sure you’re testing and using backup forms of birth control.”
“Jesus, Ivy. Calm down. I’m not there yet with the person I’m seeing. And I’m sure that’s not going to be an issue anyway.”
I furrow my brow. Jasmine can be a little too optimistic, and I don’t want her falling for any of those old wives' tales that get people in trouble.
“Jas, you just need to be prepared. You’re going to school. The last thing you need is a pregnancy scare, and Plan B only works if you take it soon enough after the incident. So, you know, be careful.”
“Ivy. I get it. It’s not an issue. Trust me.” I can hear Jasmine’s voice start to raise, the tension evident.
“I’m just trying to help out. I mean, if you’re having sex?—”
“Ivy!” She lets out a sharp breath and then laughs roughly. “I’m dating a woman. So…you know, I’m really quite sure I can’t get pregnant.”
I pause for a moment. “Oh, well, yeah. You’ll be fine then.”
There’s another round of silence, and I wait for Jasmine to say something.
“Wow, you took that really well. I thought you might be…upset.”
Reeling in the bed, I sit up. “Why would I be upset? It’s awesome. I don’t care who you date. As long as they’re a good person.”
“I love you, Ivy.” Jasmine’s voice is thick, and I can hear the tears she’s fighting. “Thank you.”
“Sweetie, there’s nothing to thank me for.” I smile. “Though, I would hope that from now on, you’ll be more open to telling me about whoever you’re dating.”
“I will. I promise. I, umm, I think it might be Becca for a while, though. I…I really like her.”
Now I’m the one getting choked up, hearing that my baby sister is falling in love with someone.
“Aww, honey. That’s great. I’m so happy for you.”
“You too! With the baby. But hey, I have to get to class.”
I nod again, inhaling a clean burst of fresh air. “Of course. I’m…I’m going to call Mom and get it out of the way. I love you.”
“Love you, too, Ivy.”
We hang up, and I look down at my phone, going back to that unknown number. My thumb hovers over the call icon for several moments before I finally press it and put my cell to my ear.
Ring, ring, ri ? —
“Ivy, you called. I’m…wow, I’m really surprised.”
My stomach clenches. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. I had all this planned in my head, but hearing my mother’s voice has rocked me. I’m right back to being that small child.
“Ivy? Are you there?”
I clear my throat, forced into the present. “Umm, yes. I…look, why did you text me?”
There’s a pause from my mother this time, and I can only hope and pray that it’s filled with guilt.
“Ivy, I…I know I haven’t been a very good mother to you. I am sorry. I want to show you that I’ve changed.”
Anger starts to build, and the stopper in my bottle of words abruptly shoots out.
“Good? Good ? A mop would have made a better mother. At least it would have been useful for all the damn messes that were left around.”
I know it’s harsh, but I can’t be bothered to give a crap. This woman helped to ruin my childhood, and she what? Just wants me to forgive her? No.
“Ivy, please, I want to make it right. I want?—”
“What about what I wanted? I was a fucking child, Karen.” I hear the words as they leave me, a measure of relief for finally saying them out loud. “You treated me, treated Jas, like we were your servants. Every moment, you chose to put us directly in harm’s way. We’re lucky to be alive.”
“You’re…” My mother’s voice cracks, and I shouldn’t, but it feels so damn good to hear her being the one in pain for a change. “You’re right. I was a terrible mother. And I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve it.”
“Damn straight, you don’t. Don’t pretend like you weren’t aware of everything you chose to do to us.”
My guts are churning, and the heat billowing in my cheeks is a nauseating reminder of how furious I am.
“I was. I’d fallen in too deeply with your father.” Karen sounds distant, like she’s recalling long-buried memories. “He was charming, you know. And I was in a bad place. I let him lead me down a dark tunnel. We…we did something horrible to you. I know I can’t deny that.”
“Good. That’s the first responsible thing you’ve done in your life.” I shake my head, closing my eyes as they begin to burn. “And just so you know, I don’t forgive you. I won’t—ever. So, you and Dad can stop texting me. You’re not getting money out of me, and this ‘nice guy’ act of yours was a waste.”
“Ivy, I…I don’t speak to your father. If he’s messaging you, that’s all him. I’ve filed a restraining order. He can’t come near me.”
I scoff. “You honestly expect me to believe you’re not in on this with him? Please.”
“I don’t. I know you can’t believe me, but I’m telling the truth. I’m in counseling now, and I have not spoken to your father since I went to prison. Don’t give him anything. Hell, change this number and give the phone to the police. I don’t want him to hurt you again.”
The need to scream grows. I don’t want to believe her. I don’t want Karen to sit there like she was just as much of a victim as I was.
But there’s something about her tone. It’s the clearest I’ve ever heard. She doesn’t sound high for once. Fear tickles at the back of my mind, saying that my father is working on his own.
And I’m in trouble.
“Don’t call me. Don’t text or write. Just…just leave me alone.” My throat pinches, too dry and sticky. “If you actually care in the slightest, then just let me live my life and stay far, far away.”
“I—” But Karen stops herself. “Of course. I really hope you find the happiness you deserve, Ivy. I promise I do. But I won’t barge into your life when I haven’t earned it. If you ever want to talk…if you…”
Karen’s voice breaks, and I’m beyond sick to my stomach. “No, don’t you dare play the pity card. This is the bed you made. You have to lie in it. If I hear that you’ve messaged Jas, I’ll bring in the police. Leave us alone.”
Some words start to come through the other end, but I pull the phone away from my ear and hang up.
I can’t listen to her. I won’t.
It may be true that she’s seeing a therapist, that she’s remorseful. But there is no way in hell I’m forgiving her for what she did to me and Jasmine.
I’m shaking when I try to stand up, and the world feels like it's zinging past me. If my mother isn’t working with my father, he’s a bigger threat than I imagined.
The way she talked about him…she said to get rid of my phone…I…
Everything is too much, and I run downstairs to where I know Xaden will be in his office.