Chapter 6
6
Nate Boone.
In a suit.
Not just any suit. Armani, if I’m not mistaken. I’ve organized enough fittings for my brothers leading up to events and awards ceremonies to recognize that by now.
It’s not quite what I’m expecting. But I can’t help but study the way the suit fits his big frame in all the right places, showing off the strong, athletic body that’s so jacked it looks like it’s about to burst through the freaking seams.
The first thing I notice about Nate Boone is that he’s just as swoon-worthy as he’s always been, but the swoon-worthiness has somehow gone into overdrive. His handsomeness has seasoned into full-blown masculine virility in the prime of its goddamn life. The suit porn only adds to his hotness, even though it’s clearly uncomfortable for him, like it’s clashing with the rest of his rugged, beefed-up he-manliness.
Wow.
Nate Boone has definitely changed. The boy I remember, all long limbs and easy smiles, has filled out, his presence almost too big for the room—and definitely more than big enough for that suit.
The other thing I notice is that Nate Boone looks…tired. It’s a sort of bone-weariness that draws my attention. Combined with his over-the-top gorgeousness, this detail is basically the equivalent of waving a red flag at a girl whose full time job is looking after her three very demanding and very in-demand older brothers.
I didn’t exactly choose to be my brothers’ guardian angel, but the job chose me and I’ve grown to love it. Plus I happen to be pretty good at it.
I can’t take credit for any of the music, but in the early years it was me who first encouraged them to start writing their own songs instead of doing covers of other people’s. Travis and I sat down at the kitchen table and I told him to play me something original. We actually wrote the lyrics to that very first song together. It ended up being their first number one hit.
Vaughn probably would have spiraled out of control a long time ago if I wasn’t there, day in and day out, keeping an eye on him. He’ll usually toe the line for me, because he knows I worry about him, and he doesn’t like me worrying. Of the four of us, Vaughn is the wildest. He’s also the one who’s internalized a destructive, misguided and twisted guilt over losing our parents. This has manifested in a way that’s made him punish himself by drinking too much and taking too many drugs. We’ve talked about it a lot. Along the way, every time he got close to an edge, we’d rally around him and pull him back from it. Especially me.
I’m relieved that he’s come through the other side of all that and he has Gigi now—who, I’ll admit, has a power over him I’ll never have and would never want to have. For her, Vaughn will do anything to become the best version of himself. All I can say is thank God he’s found a girl who has that kind of sway over him. Now all he has to do is keep her. Luckily, the two of them are obsessed with each other and they seem to me like soulmates.
As for Kade, he’s so soulful he sometimes gets carried away with it. I don’t think he’s ever been clinically depressed or anything like that, but he feels stuff. Deeply. He sometimes needs to be reminded that the weight of the world isn’t actually on his shoulders . And I’m the one who mostly does the reminding. I tell him to write a song about it, which always helps. Kade’s pouring-your-heart-into-the-music songs are the ones that have won the most Grammys.
Kade also probably would have stuck with his nightmarish ex Carmen if I hadn’t convinced him, once and for all, to break it off with her.
Kade and I had a long talk about how unhappy he’s been. He admitted he hadn’t thought of it that way. He was grateful I reminded him that he used to laugh a lot more. He used to have fun. He used to be fun. So he finally bit the bullet and left her…or so we all hope. I need to follow up on that as soon as I get back to Nashville and check in on him.
So, because of my brothers, I’m attuned to sensing when things aren’t going quite right in people’s lives. Nate Boone has a world-weary edge to him. Like he hasn’t put his needs before anyone else’s in a long, long time.
I could help him see that.
Maybe…he needs me.
He’s the adolescent crush I never really got over, that’s now literally staring me in the face and forcing me to confront it.
Nate Boone is—even though, to be honest, I’ve never allowed myself to think of it this way until right now—The One Who Got Away. I was too young and too controlled at the time by my family to follow my heart. My parents were fighting a lot, my dad drinking too much, and then we had to deal with their sudden death, which was beyond devastating. All the way through, it was overwhelming. My brothers were the ones who were there for me. I needed them for my own stability. Collectively, they were my rock. And deep down I knew they’d never allow it.
All the girls were after Nate Boone in those days. He was young, hot, and a little bit wild. He was also considered family. None of it was a recipe for true love at the age of fifteen.
But now… holy shit. Seeing him again after all these years is giving me a crazy rush of realizations .
He’s the one I saved myself for, all this time. Because no one I’ve met along the way has even remotely compared to Nate Boone. I loved him. I think I still do.
I force myself to slow down with all these over-the-top thoughts.
All that happened a long time ago. I’m sure he’s moved on from any feelings we once had for each other. He probably has a girlfriend. Of course he does. I mean, freaking look at him. He probably has women falling at his feet all over the county.
Our eyes meet for a charged moment, but his family surrounds him, wanting his attention.
“We’re honored by your presence, Mr. Corporate,” Luke teases. “Just don’t touch a farmer with those fancy clothes or you might get hayseeds on it.”
“Trust me, I won’t be wearing it again any time soon,” Nate mutters, his gaze holds mine as he takes in the look of me. The change in me. And there have been a lot of those.
“Watch out, everyone,” Leo grins. “He’s always grumpy AF when he wears the suit.”
“Leo Angus Boone,” comes Betty-Ann’s predictable scolding.
“I said AF , Ma.”
“I know what it means,” Daisy announces in her soft little angel’s voice. “Uncle Luke says the F-word all the time. So does Uncle Tobias.”
Both men give their mother guilty looks.
“Don’t you listen to them, sweetheart.” Nate ruffles her curls gently with his big, suntanned hand. “They’re just rednecks who don’t know any better.”
“What’s a redneck?” Daisy asks innocently.
All the brothers laugh.
Even Nate smiles, and I’m quietly, utterly dazzled.
Despite his gruffness, there’s an underlying warmth in his interaction with his brothers. I’ve missed watching their bond play out over long, hot summer days. My brothers have their own messy bond, of course, but it’s more of a life-on-the-road bond, not a this-is-home-and-we-like-it-that-way bond.
His attention is on me, careful but rapt, like it’s just the two of us alone in the room. Our connection feels sparked and brimming. Those teenage summers fall back into clear focus and I can practically feel the brush of his lips against mine.
Once and once only.
Daisy tugs at Nate’s hand. “Uncle Nate, do you like my butterfly? Miss Roxie is helping me color it.”
He’s looking at me when he says it. “It’s beautiful.”
He pulls off his tie and takes off his jacket .
Jesus, the man is cut.
I’ve followed his career from afar and from Kade’s updates. Nate is a successful property developer and businessman now. Despite the suit and the muscles, I can still see the lean farm boy he used to be. He always kept his hair on the longer side, long enough that it would fall over his eyes and make my stomach do somersaults. It’s thicker now, and still long enough to almost clash with the suit—or it might if he didn’t look so damn hot in it.
He pulls up the chair next to Daisy’s and takes a seat, answering more questions about his day.
It’s jarring to be sitting here at the same table with him after all this time of having him live rent free in my head for so many years. Day in, day out, like a little devil sitting on my shoulder in his suntanned, buff, long-limbed image, never really allowing me to get over him.
God, I was so in love with him.
With his golden eyes and that beguiling V above his low-slung jeans that you could see whenever his buttoned-up shirt was open or he took his t-shirt off—which was all the time because we were always swimming or having water fights or the boys were working in the hot sun.
The Boones were like siblings. Yet something set him apart from that. He felt like mine, in a way I could never quite explain.
We were just two kids in our extended tribe, going about our business of having the time of our lives. He was another one of my playmates and my protectors, and nothing more.
Still, as we grew older, I became more and more spellbound. I’d never seen a human being who was so physically beautiful before. I was endlessly fascinated by him.
I was fifteen the summer Nate Boone turned nineteen. It was too much of an age gap, of course. We were in different phases of life. He barely gave me a second glance, treating me exactly like he treated Dakota and Tobias. Like an annoying kid sister who was fun to tease every now and then but was mostly just an afterthought. My brothers were his real friends. The six of them were closer in age and played music together, drove into town to meet girls, smoked cigarettes sometimes and even drank whiskey.
I was barely even a fully-fledged woman yet. And I was sheltered because I had three older brothers who wouldn’t think twice about beating any boy to a pulp who so much as looked at me. Not that they ever had to because we usually traveled in a pack and no one would dare. All three of my brothers were built even then and they all had a wild edge that people didn’t mess around with.
But that summer, something bubbled up inside me, burning me with new, confusing feelings that dug into my body and soul. My fascination with Nate Boone deepened. I could hardly bear it. He drove me crazy with his graceful muscles and his lazy smile. It wasn’t fair that he barely seemed to notice I was alive, aside from kidding with me, along with my brothers, like I was a child.
I didn’t plan to do it. I can’t even remember why I went out to the barn at dusk one hot late-August night. I might have been looking for one of my brothers. Tobias and Dakota were in the house. Tobias was baking and Dakota had fallen asleep, I remember. We’d had a late night the night before and we were emotional that day because it was our last weekend at the Boones’. Our parents were coming to pick us up in a few days and none of us ever wanted to go back to the city after our long idyllic summers at Sugar Mountain.
I didn’t expect to find him alone out there. He was asleep in a big pile of hay. I even remember what he was wearing. Faded blue jeans and an ancient light blue t-shirt that was tight across his shoulders and chest. He wore work boots. He was long, lean and deeply tanned. One of his muscular arms was bent, crooked behind his head.
A low, dust-flicked beam of late-day sunlight landed directly on him, painting him in soft golden light.
“Nate?” I’d whispered.
He still didn’t wake. His dark brown hair almost touched his shoulders and was sun-bleached at the ends.
I lay next to him in the hay, carefully, on my side so I could gaze at his peaceful face. He looked younger than nineteen when he was asleep. A lot of the time he had a serious expression, like he was thinking about all the things he needed to do. I knew he had a lot of responsibility already. It was one of the reasons we still came out for the summers, so the boys could help out around the farm.
But the worry was gone in that moment and something about the absence of it broke my heart a little. I wished he didn’t have to worry so much or work so hard.
Keeping still for a while, I listened to the evenness of his breathing, taking in the beauty of him and memorizing it, somehow knowing that I might not see him again for a long time. Or maybe ever. The boys were already starting to get serious with their music and I knew we might not be coming back next summer. I remember my eyes stinging at the thought, and the warm slide of a tear.
“Nate?” I whispered again.
He stirred lightly, turning on his side to face me, but his eyes didn’t open.
Nate Boone looked so gently sunlit and gorgeous in that dusty old barn, I couldn’t help myself. I leaned closer. I kissed him. Slowly at first, because it was my first kiss. Sweetly. I loved him so much. He played the starring role in all the best memories I’d ever had. He was a sun-golden dream and the only thing I ever wanted.
I think it was me that deepened the kiss but it might have been him because he sort of hummed a growl when he woke up. Or maybe he thought he was dreaming. Because he kissed me. He opened my mouth with his, which shocked me a little at the time, and pulled me against his warm, hard body. It was hard in places I wasn’t used to it being hard. And big . Pressed up against my stomach as he rolled me back in the hay. I loved the heaviness of him. His tongue was in my mouth and his hands were in my hair and the fiery love and need in that one minute of sparked intimacy was like nothing I’d ever experienced.
I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy before or since, if I’m being honest.
But then he must have actually woken up because he slowed himself down. To this day I’ve always been grateful he didn’t jump away as soon as he realized. He took his time. He knew he wouldn’t go any further, but he allowed himself—and me—one more kiss. Tasting me and kissing me with such tenderness and so much heat, it’s no wonder I’ve never been able to get over him. It was a perfect, sweet, hungry, life-changing kiss.
I would have given him anything and everything that night.
“Roxie,” he whispered, his voice deep and smoky and as smooth as music.
“Yeah?”
“You know I can’t.”
I knew. The timing wasn’t right. I was fifteen and we were family. If my brothers had walked in on us right then, they might have hurt him, best friend or not. They would have hurt him. Maybe very badly. They were hot-headed, impulsive kids back then. “I wish you could.”
“I wish I could too.”
He smoothed my hair from my face. Then he shifted his weight like he was about to get up.
I held the front of his t-shirt with my fist, to keep him there. “Nate?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you,” I whispered.
There have been times, of course, between then and now that I’ve remembered those whispered words and I’ve cringed. But mostly I’m glad I said them. Because they were true.
Nate grinned down at me softly. Then he carefully loosened my fist and lifted himself off of me. “See you around, Roxie Tucker.”
It was a goodbye, we both knew that. He left and, after a while, I went back inside and silently cried myself to sleep that night. And quite a few nights after that too.
I was pretty sure he avoided me on purpose because I didn’t see him again before we left for good.
“Rox?” Tobias is laughing. “Earth to Roxie Tucker.”
I smile and shake my head a little, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks, both at spacing out like that and at the memory, which I haven’t thought about in that much detail for a long time. I don’t usually let myself because it digs up a special brand of something like pain or regret but not quite either that always feels raw.
“Sorry,” I grin. “I must be a little worn out from all the touring. What did I miss?”
“Poor dear,” Betty-Ann croons. “You must be exhausted, honey.”
“I’m sure I’ll sleep well tonight,” I admit. “But it won’t be until after this amazing dinner. Thank you so much, Betty-Ann. Tobias. Dee. Daisy,” I add. “It’s so nice to be here.”
“It’s so nice to have you here.” Tobias says. “And we were just saying that we’ll take you over to the lodge after dessert. If you’re not too tired.”
“The lodge? Is that the B&B?”
“The full name is The Sugar Mountain Lodge,” Dakota explains .
“I’m definitely up for the grand tour. I can’t wait.” I take a bite of the fried chicken. “Oh my god, this is incredible.”
“We aim to please,” grins Tobias.
“When’s the grand opening?” I ask between bites, in awe of how good this food is.
“The weekend after next,” Dakota says. “We’re already fully booked for almost four months.”
Luke helps himself to a generous portion of fried chicken. “I just hope you control your guests and we don’t find them wandering all over the farm. I like to take a skinny dip in our pond every evening and I don’t want to shock anyone with my?—”
“Don’t even think about continuing that sentence, little brother,” Nate says.
“We’ve already got signs up, telling guests not to wander onto the working farm part of the land,” Tobias tells us. “They’ve got their own area.”
“You could put up a sign that says ‘Beware of Skinny-Dipping Rednecks’,” suggests Leo. “That should scare them away.”
Dakota slaps his arm lightly. “Don’t encourage him.”
“Might need to add a few adjectives to the sign,” jokes Luke.
Leo laughs. “What, like ‘moronic’? ‘Idiotic’? ‘Microscopic’?”
“I was thinking more along the lines of ‘king-sized’,” Luke grins.
“Would you two stop?” Dakota groans .
“You are pretty tall, Uncle Luke,” Daisy says earnestly.
“Thank you, Daisy.” Luke’s green eyes glint. “That’s exactly what I meant.”
“We’re going to have to kick you two out if you can’t behave in polite company,” Nate says, and the banter continues but the twins obey and barely rein it in. But their respect for their older brother is obvious.
I let the laughter and lively conversation settle around me and enjoy the best meal I’ve had in a very long time, occasionally stealing glances at Nate, who’s cutting up Daisy’s food for her into little pieces.
Tobias spreads some butter onto her biscuit.
I can’t help but think that, even though losing her parents must be profoundly difficult, she’s lucky to have such a loving group of people doting on her.
And it strikes me how much I’ve missed these small everyday interactions that come with being a family in a real place—not on a stage or a tour bus or in a studio or hotel.
Nate’s phone rings in his pocket and he pulls it out, checking the number. “Sorry, everyone, I better take this.” He mumbles something about being back in a few minutes, then heads out the door.
There’s a general murmur of acknowledgement from the rest of the family. They’re clearly used to Nate being interrupted and distracted by all the things he’s dealing with.
I find myself caught off guard by the intensity of my curiosity.
Is he okay ?
Is it one of his girlfriends?
He paces across the porch, his figure through the sash windows a blend of strength and weariness. Something tells me he’s not talking to a girlfriend. Unless she’s nagging him about something. He seems pissed off by whatever they’re talking about.
I try to concentrate on the conversation around the table, but my mind is on Nate. It’s clear that he’s shouldering more than just the weight of business deals and a new kind of parenthood. There’s a depth to him now, a complexity that wasn’t there before. Layers of unrelenting stress are clearly a part of his life now.
After a while, he comes back in. His amber eyes are lightly bloodshot, from lack of sleep, maybe. It does nothing to detract from how insanely good-looking he is. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to deal with this. There’s an urgent payroll issue that the manager on call was supposed to have taken care of. But I can’t get a hold of her. I’ll have to go up to the house to use my desktop.”
“You need a hand with anything?” Leo asks.
“No. I got it. Thanks.”
Tobias gets up from the table. “At least take your food with you. And I’ll get you some pie too.”
“Thanks, Tobe. Daze? Come on, sweetheart.”
Daisy’s eyes fill with tears. “But what about the ice cream ? It’s the best part. It’ll melt .”
“We can bring her up to the house after dessert,” Dakota offers. “It’s still early. She could come over to the lodge with us and we’ll drop her off after that. Is that okay?”
“ Please , Uncle Nate.” Daisy stares at him with pleading blue eyes. “I want to have ice cream with my pie and then go to the lodge with Miss Roxie.”
Nate nods, like he wishes he could do that too. “Sure, honey. If that’s what you want to do.”
“It is.”
“Are you okay with that?” Nate asks me, and the question and its delivery in his deep, husky voice does things to me I’m really not prepared for. I’m not over him. I never was over him. And my problem—which I didn’t actually realize was a problem but it very definitely is—is that… I still love him.
I’ve always loved him and I still do.
“Of course.” I smile at Daisy, because the intensity of him and my reaction to it is going to give me away. I softly wipe a tear on Daisy’s cheek with my thumb. “We’ll have fun.”
“I’ll see you after that, then. I’m sorry, everyone,” he says again. Nate’s gaze lands on me. “I’ll, uh, I’ll see you later.”
Daisy and I watch him go as the others return to their food and their laughter.
I smooth a strawberry-blond curl back from Daisy’s face and when she looks up at me I feel a deep connection to the concern in this little girl’s eyes. She misses him already.
And so do I.