Chapter 33 – Elijah
33
ELIJAH
I t’s been a few days since I took that damn bullet. I could’ve survived and fuck them up. But she came through like a fucking warrior and saved me.
She saved me.
I thought about it while Ben tried to stitch me up later that night.
I don’t feel pain, well, at least not in the way regular people do.
For me, pain isn’t distressing; it’s relaxing. It reminds me that I exist, that my body is still connected by a thread with my mind. I’ve gotten so accustomed to it my whole life that it’s almost comforting. But seeing that worry in her eyes, the pain she felt, this one hurts, but not in the way I feel normally, it was fucking awful.
She was so stressed and sad it made my heart ache.
That beautiful fire in her eyes felt less bright. Her heart had stolen it and nourished it with sadness and anxiety, and I wanted to add fuel to it.
Sometimes I feel like she can’t understand how I understand her—the pain of feeling not worthy enough to be loved, not worthy enough to be taken care of. And even if I don’t know how to heal myself, I want to heal her.
I failed the little boy I was, but I want to succeed for her.
We were alone tonight, only the woman who put herself in danger because she thought I was in it myself, and I.
Hollow gaze. No fire for me tonight.
She snuggled beside me, her head resting on my chest close to my heart. I didn’t feel pain anymore, I felt relieved having her next to the thing she’s bringing back to life. “Talk to me, Zanae.”
Those empty eyes reflected so much pain when they met mine. I nodded to encourage her to speak.
“Talk. To. Me.”
She hesitated, biting her lips and closing her eyes, as if gathering all her courage to find the words. She was stressed about telling me what was happening because she was scared I’d judge her.
Fuck, no.
“Please, I’m here, I’ll listen,” I begged.
I don’t want her to hide her thoughts from me. I want everything she has. Even the pain. Mostly the pain.
“He just needed me like one of his soldiers but with less recognition,” she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.
I ran my fingers through her black strands gently. “ Milaya , you’re so much more than he ever realized. He’s just stupid for not seeing the heaven that you are.”
She looked at me, a mixture of misery and longing in her pretty amber eyes. “I don’t know if I can ever be free from my own head, from everything.”
I gently cupped her face, losing myself in her, “We’ll create our own story. I’m going to treasure you, not overlook you.”
She whispered in a small breath, “But Elijah...”
“I’ll be the one to show you what true devotion means. I’m okay Zanae, you don’t need to worry about me.”
Her gaze full of remorse and resentment, worries all over her beautiful features.
Even the life in her eyes was dying.
My heart felt so fucking heavy seeing her like that, even more than the bullet lodged in my flesh.
It hurts—it never hurts that much. Not when I slept next to my mother’s picture of her dead body, not when I cried receiving the first gift, a long lock of her hair. Not when I almost died.
Nothing hurts more than her suffering.
“Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head, Milaya .”
She looked at me, tears gathering in those eyes, and shook her head.
“Tell me,” I insisted, my hand gently cupping her tear-stained red-cheeks, urging her to meet my gaze.
She sighed, her small hands covering her eyes in frustration. “Sometimes, I feel like I’m drowning. And I don’t want to talk to you about that, I don’t want to feel weak if I admit how I truly feel. I’m frustrated and so fucking angry because I can’t change anything. I see your gaze sometimes Elijah, I want to take your pain away but then I remember that I can’t, I don’t have the space to do so!”
My hand gently stroked her skin as I listened silently, my heart breaking with each word she spoke.
“It’s everything, I don’t have anyone now, they’re all gone or never existed, my mother abandoned us, and Luna too... she’s gone, I even lost myself, Elijah. And now that I have you, I’m terrified of losing you. I don’t understand why I’m trying so hard when it’s not working, nothing is fucking working!”
Her voice cracked, tears streaming down her cheeks, and my heart ached, crying out and screaming for me to take her pain away.
My beautiful Zanae, my own salvation in this world.
“What else, baby. Talk to me. Let go of everything.”
She continued shaking her head, trying to quiet the chaos in her head.
“I can’t.”
“Zanae. Tell me!”
Her body shook with torment, each sob raw and guttural, followed by her harsh, rasping breaths.
Her voice cracked, trembling with despair and fury. “I’LL NEVER HEAL! HER DEATH KILLED ME ELIJAH! SHE KILLED ME!!”
I tried to contain her, to hold her close, but tears continued to streak down her flushed cheeks. Agony . “Shh, that’s it, show me your pain, show me.”
Gradually, she started to collapse into me, and continued. “I feel like I’m being egoistic because I try to heal. When I’m with you I feel like I took a chance she never had, and I feel guilty about that. It’s too much, I feel like I can’t take it. I’m not strong enough for everything and he almost took you from me, Elijah, I don’t think I could’ve taken it if something happened to you.”
I listened in silence, witnessing the despair in her eyes.
When she spoke about Luna, I couldn’t help but remember the pain of losing someone, that overwhelming sensation as if your heart is tearing and shattering into countless small pieces, leaving only this enormous gaping hole of sorrows.
That sensation when the broken pieces cut through the last drop of life and hope left in your bones.
How did I miss this before?
She suffered as much as I did.
She’s so beautiful, she doesn’t even realize it. She’s strong, incredible, and all mine.
“Zanae…baby.”
“I can’t, Elijah,” she continued, tears streaming silently down her cheeks. “I feel selfish for still being alive when she’s not. And I feel selfish to be with you. You got shot Elijah, it’s a fucking big deal!”
Without a word, I enveloped her in between my arms. I held her close; letting her feel how my life depended on hers.
This woman is everything to me.
The good and the bad, my past, my present and my future. She’s storm and the rainbow, the colors and the monochrome.
Everything .
She rested her head against my chest, seeking calm in the steady beat of my heart, the one that exists for her sake. I finally spoke, “ Milaya ... I feel life again just by looking at you. You’re not selfish for surviving; you’re resilient. Let me be the strength you need.”
Her voice quivered as she confessed, “I’m tired, Elijah.”
My little Zanae, mine . My broken masterpiece.
I hate these voices in her head, I want to watch them burn and kiss her in their ashes.
“What do you feel in that pretty heart of yours?”
She looked up at me, offering me that beautiful soul reflecting in her eyes. “ Death .”
I gently guided her hand to my chest, where the rhythm of my heart echoed. “Feel this, Zanae,” I said, “If you die, I die too. You’ve made me feel alive when I thought I was dead inside. My heart came back to life for you to hear it. I’ll take care of you. And if my past was the way to find you, I would live my fucking miserable life a thousand times again just to find you at the end of the road every time.”
I gently wiped away her tears, those diamonds coming from the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.
Scooping her up in my arms, I cradled her like a fragile treasure.
I carefully laid her down on the bed, and nestling beside her, I drew her close with my arm. I began to stroke her hair in a soothing rhythm. “You’re not alone, and you’ll never be. I’m here for you. Let the pain go, just for now. Rest, and we’ll face the world together when you’re ready. You’re safe here. You’re safe with me, you’ll always be.”
She gradually succumbed to her fatigue as I continued to stroke her hair.
“I’m here, baby, I’ll always be.”
The next morning, Zanae came out from the room to find Ben and one of my men, Lévi, seated on the sofa, with Nikolai and Miranda entering the penthouse just moments later.
Her eyes, red from last night, widened in surprise as she asked, “What’s going on?”
“I’ve arranged a little shopping spree for you. Miranda will be here to bring you company.” I said, grabbing her hand.
Miranda nodded, adding, “Let’s make this day about you, Zee.”
With a serious tone, I turned to Ben and Lévi, “You take care of them.”
Ben assured, “They’re in good hands. And you, don’t do anything crazy. Zanae did a good job on your injury, but try to rest, and in a few days, it’s going to be completely gone.”
Nikolai waved his hand at the girls. “Have fun, ladies. We’ll handle the serious stuff here like always.”
Planting a soft kiss on Zanae’s forehead, I murmured, “Enjoy yourself, Milaya .” Handing her my credit card, I said, “Don’t worry about the prices. Just enjoy the day. And if you need anything else, let me know.”
She started to protest. “Elijah, you don’t have to?—”
I kissed her softly, interrupting her. “Told you I would take care of you; let me do this.”
Miranda smiled, and told me, “You’re taking care of the one who always took care of others. It’s about time.”
“It’s long overdue.” I answered.
Zanae looked into my eyes and whispered, “Thank you.” She planted a soft, and lovely kiss on my cheek, sweetness and sadness lingering on my skin.
Zanae
Miranda handed me a bunch of clothes, saying, “Come on, Zee.”
I sighed and tried to fake a smile. “Miranda, I’m not really in the mood for shopping.”
She nudged me playfully. “Well, you’re not shopping, you’re treating yourself. And Elijah insisted, so consider it a royal decree. Plus he scares the shit out of me, so you’re going to follow me and have fun.”
I chuckled. “What do you mean by a royal decree?”
Ben chimed in, keeping his arm around my shoulders. “Niko’s words, not mine, not Miranda’s. But hey, I think we can find something that will bring a little joy to you, Z.”
“Can we go to the bookstore? I would love to buy new books.”
Ben looked at Miranda and quipped, “Is she for real?”
Miranda sighed. “Let’s go and spend three hours there. I hope you’re ready, you two big guys, to carry everything. Books are heavier than you think.”
The three of us, along with our bodyguard, ventured from clothes to books.
Noticing Ben engrossed in texting, I raised an eyebrow. “Who’s got your attention, Benny?”
Ben grinned mischievously. “Oh, just some hot chick.”
“Well, show me what you said.” I asked, smiling.
He chuckled. “Alright, you asked for it.” He showed me the text conversation, and I spotted Elijah’s name on the screen. Reading Ben’s message to Elijah, I couldn’t help but laugh.
Ben
No worries, babe, I have her protected.
“Protected, huh? From what exactly?” I muttered.
He then showed me the reply he received from Elijah.
My Pakhan
She doesn’t need your protection, she’s stronger than you, you little shit. And don’t fucking call me babe if you still want to use your hand.
Benny shook his head and whispered, “Cold and grumpy, he’s like an old man.”
My cold and grumpy old man.
After a few more stops, we headed back home, and I felt a bit better than the night before.
Still overthinking, still hearing them trying to make the guilt grow more in me, but better, right?
Entering the penthouse, Ben and the other bodyguard lugged through a lot of shopping bags filled with clothes and books. Miranda and I followed them.
Elijah and Nikolai, already in the living room, glanced at the bags with raised eyebrows.
“What the fuck? Did you buy the entire mall, little Z?”
Elijah broke into a rare smile as he approached me, and I instinctively snuggled into him.
“Elijah, my man, you’re going to need a bigger place for all this,” Ben gestures towards the bag of books, “and a bigger bookshelf for these.”
Eli, still gazing at me, responded to Ben, “If it makes her happy, I don’t mind.” He then leaned down to kiss my forehead.
Nikolai chimed in with a smirk, “Looks like Little Z has softened our scary Volkov.”
I shot him a cold glare. “Nikolai Moretti, don’t tempt me.”
Elijah chuckled into my neck, and Niko yelled in surprise, “Don’t you dare use my fucking entire name, young woman! For you, it’s Niko only.”
Elijah
Miranda headed home, leaving just Ben, Niko, Zanae, and I in the penthouse, while Lévi and some other guards remained in the parking lot.
My girl excused herself to change into her pajamas, and Niko shot a stupid glance at Ben, “Think she’ll wear something scandalous?”
Benny chuckled. “Oh, Nikolai, you’re going to die.”
Sitting on the couch I looked at Niko. “He’s right Niko, I’m going to kill you one day.”
He laughed and added, “Yeah whatever, you better be ready for a view.”
Calmly and with a hint of amusement I replied, “Don’t make me cut off your eyes, you two. Another remark and I’ll take them out with my fingers.”
Zanae returned in a comfier outfit, a long t-shirt of mine and sweatpants. She’s so beautiful even in this I couldn’t understand how someone could be so captivating.
Nikolai opened his mouth, and I knew he was going to say something to tease her. “Wow, Little Z. This is an outfit.”
She burst into laughter, made her way to me, cuddling against me with a grin.
Nikolai winked at Ben. “Looks like our girl knows how to handle the big, bad wolf.”
“ My girl. I already told you, Niko, don’t make me repeat myself.”
Zanae was comfortably nestled against me, I felt her laugh inside me. I loved it, she was enjoying herself and I couldn’t be happier.
Drinking my vodka, I brought my other arm around her.
Ben, adopting a sweet and fucking weird tone, leaned in towards me. “Have I ever told you how much I appreciate your body in this kind of clothes, my Pakhan?”
Nikolai chimed in, of course this fucker would. “Oh, absolutely. Anything you wear compliments your body beautifully.”
I raised an eyebrow, not surprised, but curious.
Zanae couldn’t help but laugh from her cozy spot on my chest.
Ben continued, “And those cold looks you give? So hot. I’m thinking of starting a fan club, Niko are you in?”
Nikolai nodded and turned toward me. “Of course, I am.”
Zanae, still chuckling, finally spoke, “Shut up you two. Let him enjoy his drink in peace. He doesn’t need a fan club; he has me.”
I grumpily sipped my glass, managing a half-smile at her words.
I loved it when she said things like that, I loved it when she claimed me.
“Little Z, are you sure you’re not attached to Elijah with invisible strings? You’re always glued to him.”
She smiled and retorted, “As long as he’s not complaining. Are you, Elijah?” She raised her eyes at me, drinking her wine.
I pulled her even closer. “She’s right where she belongs. Now, I can still glue you to the ground with my hand if you want, Niko.”
“I’ve never seen someone so territorial as Volkov. It’s almost adorable,” he replied.
“Adorable can turn dangerous, Moretti. Ne zastavlyay menya vstavat .”
Niko chuckled and answered, “ Net nuzhdy .”
Ben turned to Zanae who was confused as hell, and said, “I hate when they do this, I don’t understand a word of Russian.”
She shook her head and then looked at me with a content smile.
My gaze on hers, I asked in a soft tone, “What’s making you smile, Milaya ?”
She grinned. “You. Niko and Benny, this, our home.”
Nikolai, pretending to wipe away a tear, said, “This is the most heartwarming, tear-fucking-jerking family moment, Little Z. Someone passes me a goddamn tissue.”
Ben smiled and added to Niko, “It’s because I listened to her when she was talking about those books in the bookstore. That’s what made her soft for me too.”
I never realized how much fresher the air could feel until I started sharing the same breath with her nearby. It’s absolutely fucking mind-blowing to think that I survived a life without tasting this kind of feeling.
I was dead inside, I just lived through my will to avenge the little boy who lost his parents and himself that night. I stalked her, protected her because I needed my anchor and craved to see the pain in her eyes that I so deeply adore.
I turned toward her, looking at how good she fits in my arms. She was smiling at Niko and Ben and having a good time.
I loved looking at her.
I couldn’t help but admire her openly, it was like my mind clears at her sight.
Niko cut my thoughts and suggested a round of cards.
We gathered around the table, Zanae leaned into me, and I instinctively wrapped an arm around her.
“How about a friendly bet? What would it take for Eli to admit he’s head over heels for you?”
Unimpressed, I took a sip of my glass, while Zanae chuckled.
He’s completely right, I’m more than just head over heels for her. It’s a lot to take in but I know I would fucking end anyone’s life for her to never stop smiling if I have to.
“I’d say a miracle for him to do so, but we can discuss terms later Niko,” Zanae spoke.
She doesn’t even know how much control she has over me.
“Alright, Niko, what’s with the constant teasing? You seem overly invested in my life.”
“Aren’t you like my partner, Elijah!? Of course I’m invested.”
Zanae, nestled against me, couldn’t help but smile. “Nonsense, you should focus on your miserable game, Niko. Tonight, I’m winning your credit card. Got some revenge plans in mind.”
Unnoticed by the others, I slipped my card between her waist and her panties under the table, whispering, “You’ve got all you need with me, Milaya. Take him something else.”
Around the table, she played with a damn flair, winning hand after hand. My smart girl.
“You’re letting her win, Elijah. I know you’re cheating.”
“She doesn’t need anyone to let her win. She’s got her own skills, Niko.”
Ben, laughing at Nikolai’s losing streak, added, “That’s okay, you’ll win next time.”
“Maybe The Great Nikolai Moretti needs a lesson or two in poker strategy.”
“Oh, please. I’ve been playing this damn poker since before you were born little Z.”
“You’re old.”
“And you’re a spoiled child, Little Z.” He answered.
These two…
Zanae, holding her winning hand triumphantly, grinned. “Let’s go!!! I won, you’re a fucking loser Niko. Bouuuh, loser!”
He eyed her grin and my amused smile, and he turned like the kid I knew back then, who hates losing.
With a confident smirk, he said, “Alright, let’s see if the little one can keep up with a master.”
Zanae raised an intrigued eyebrow. “Master who Niko? I don’t see any here.”
I leaned back, amused by them. “Be kind to her, Niko.”
Ben couldn’t resist adding his personal touch to this scene. “I think he’s just scared to lose to a girl.”
Niko shot a narrowed-eyed glance at her. “I hope you’re ready for a real fucking game now, Zanae Dellé.”
She winked at me with a sly grin, her hand resting on my arm. “Don’t worry Moretti, I’ve got my lucky charm.”
Getting closer to her, I whispered, “Don’t look at me like that if you don’t want me to fuck you right now on this table.”
She slapped my arm, blushing and I felt my heart explode from affection.
I was content just watching her have a good time. I wanted her to feel how life had more to offer than what she was used to. Sometimes I catch her getting lost in her own thoughts, I know that in there she doesn’t feel safe, and I hate it.
Seated side by side, I can’t stop touching her, I can’t because it’s physical. My hand rested comfortably on her thigh, fingers still intertwined, a scene that drew an eye roll from Nikolai.
“You two fuckers act like you’re married already. Should I be looking for wedding invitations?”
Zanae, with a smirk, glanced at me and played along, “Oh... Niko focus, you’re still losing.”
One day, she’ll be my wife. She doesn’t know it yet, but she will, soon enough.
I chuckled, tightening my grip on her hand, “Listen to her, Niko.”
With a mock exasperated shake of his head, he added, “I’m having the worst fucking nightmare of my life losing to a rookie.”
Ben smiled at us, then shook his head. “Don’t be jealous, brother. One day it’s going to be you, my guy.”
My girl leaned in and smiled. “Moretti, are you sure you’re not going easy on me because you’re afraid to hurt my feelings?”
Playing along, Nikolai responded with a dramatic sigh. “Zanae, my dear little Zanae, I’m just being kind. I wouldn’t want to crush your rookie spirit.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at this. “I’m sure you’re just winning because you’re better than him at this game.”
Zanae laughed and took a sip before asking, “Hey, what would you do if you only had one day to live?”
Niko chuckled and looked at the end of the table, “That’s an odd question, I don’t know, maybe sleep?”
Ben shook his head and threw a pillow on Niko’s face. “Don’t say that, you know damn well that you’re just going to annoy the shit of everyone for your last day on earth, and maybe learn to dance at a strip bar.”
A laugh reverberated in my chest while Zanae snuggled more against me, hiding her head to laugh.
“I wouldn’t do that, you bastard.” Niko answered by throwing back the round pillow. “But I’ll annoy the shit of Little Z because she’s been a real pain in my ass these last few weeks with those library excursions she makes me do,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows at my girl.
I threw him a cold glance and said, “You’ll continue going with her as long as she wants to, even if I don’t understand why she wants you to be here.”
“He’s good company sometimes and so I tried to introduce him to books so we could listen to some audio in the car,” my beautiful Zanae said.
Benny clapped his hands. “Please don’t stop, Zee. I’m tired of spending time with Niko, he’s illiterate sometimes.”
She nodded and smiled at me.
Life finally returned in those eyes I would die for.