Chapter 46 – Elijah
46
ELIJAH
I n the days that followed, Zanae regained energy. She was still mostly very silent but chuckled at some of Niko’s jokes. Her flame was dim, but reviving it became my only goal.
I was always there, her shadow, that constant presence by her side.
I didn’t rush her, but I told her that I loved her and that I would always be there even if she didn’t want to talk. I wanted her to have space to recover, but I didn’t want her to be alone.
Niko, too, played his part, trying to make sure that she felt surrounded by those who cared deeply for her. He did everything to uplift her, make her smile, and bring a bit more positivity into her life.
But she was still lost in her thoughts most of the time. She would give us a few smiles at times, but it was clear that she needed space to stop thinking about all of this, and to see that she still had time to live her beautiful life that she deserved more than anyone I know.
The hospital room became our new home for the past weeks, a place where she slowly began to open up about the reasons that led her to do this.
Every word she uttered felt like a fucking stab in my heart.
That day, Niko had fallen asleep in the chair beside her. Only she and I were awake. I sneaked into her bed and held her in my arms.
Feeling her breath against me, sensing her heart beating, watching her eyelids open and close as she blinked, everything reassured me, she was still here, she was still alive, she was still mine.
In a soft voice, she asked me, “Aren’t you mad at me, Elijah?”
I stroked her hair, and my gaze wandered to a point in the room.
I thought, am I mad at her for succumbing to her own demons? No, fuck no.
Did I resent her for thinking about abandoning me? Maybe.
But then if she had left, I would have fucking joined her.
I hated how weak I was for her. She broke my heart trying to kill herself, but she would’ve killed me if she didn’t survive.
That’s the fucked up thing about our relationship; that toxic and twisted devotion I felt for her. She could do anything, and I would accept it as long as she still had those beautiful eyes open and that beautiful heart beating.
“ Little Nightmare . I would’ve died if you hadn’t opened your eyes again.”
My hand rested on her hair, trembling from fear of hurting her. “I made you a promise long ago. I’ll always be here, even when you don’t want me anymore. I’ll get rid of whatever hurts you in your mind. Next time you feel like this, come to me, and let my arms hold you while my heart keeps yours warm. You’ll never feel alone to face this, never again.”
She nodded, tears filling her beautiful eyes, her voice like a murmur, so sweet and so fucking hurt, “I’m completely broken, Elijah. I don’t want you to drown in this darkness while trying to save me.”
Darkness.
How can you explain to the woman you love that her darkness felt like light, that her shadows were magnificent, that I understood the violence and desperate poetry in her pain.
How can I explain that her darkness was safe with me because she completed me. That this obscurity felt like the finest wine flooding down my throat everytime her lips touched me, that her demons were a part of mine now and I savored every ounce of it.
I lifted her face and looked straight into her eyes.
Those beautiful flames that felt like home for the evil in me softened from pain and suffering.
“Zanae, you don’t understand. You’re the only light I see when I can’t even see any colors. You’re the light at the end of the tunnel that I’m waiting for. I’ll always pull you out of that hole in your head, always, and I’ll do it because I want you to experience the life you deserve. I’ll do anything for that, I’ll do anything for you .”
She brought her lips close to mine and kissed me.
Salty tears dropped on her cheeks and my mouth. Heaven awaited between our lips, and my heart ached at the thought of her crying.
She then pulled away and said in a small voice, “Thank you for not hating me, thank you for always saving me, and thank you for pulling me out of there.”
She settled back on my chest and fell asleep while I continued to stroke her hair.
Niko looked at me. He overheard our entire conversation, his eyes filled with sadness. He then just nodded towards me and left.
Eventually, she became more open to healing, more willing to coexist with her demons and fight them.
Her will to live began to outweigh the will to die.
I couldn’t resist kissing the scars on her wrists.
They were a reminder that she was present, here with me, and I felt fortunate to hold her heart in my hands, blessed to be loved by her and to love her so deeply.
My Zanae was resilient, stronger than anyone, and I was immensely proud of her.
In the stillness between medical procedures and therapy sessions, I held her hand. I knew that the healing process would be long and hard, but she would never be alone again.
No matter how deep the darkness, dawn would always come if her strong heart was still beating within the cradle of my grasp.
Zanae
Silence.
Everything was silent around me, in this room.
I could hear my heart, feel every faint shiver on my skin, read clearly every thought in my head. But it was still so far away.
A ghost, a residual fear.
My internal pain tried to kill me.
I tried to end it, to make it stop, make the guilt go away.
Thinking was my only occupation. I pondered everything—my condition, my illness—because depression had coursed through my veins for a long time, before grief amplified it.
And I somehow grasped how death might have healed my wounds but would have shattered my heart even more. I would have lost the opportunity to be with the only person on earth who genuinely makes me want to fight—for myself, for him, and for us.
Today, Ben and Niko came in with a smile, holding the door open. Miranda and June hesitated in the doorway.
June, my little baby, approached me first, rushing towards me and jumping into my arms, asking, “Aunt Zee, are you sick?”
He climbed onto my bed; his small frame cruelly oblivious to the dark reality suffocating the room. And I simply offered a faint smile, hugging him, attempting to shield him from me. “Yes, sweetheart, but I’m getting better now. I’m taking medicine to heal.”
Miranda couldn’t contain the tears that welled up in her eyes. She approached silently, relief and sadness playing on her features, brutally mirroring the consequences of my actions.
“Zee, my god, I was so scared.” she whispered, her voice breaking as she leaned in and kissed my forehead repeatedly.
She wiped away a tear, her gaze fixed on me. “I want you to know that I’m here anytime, any moment, for anything.”
I just smiled at her and took her hand in mine.
The decision I made was so selfish. I see it in Elijah’s eyes, in Ben’s, in Niko’s and in Miranda’s, in Brian’s too. I know they aren’t angry at me, but I feel like I’ve caused them so much more harm by doing this than just being here and fighting.
I hate that.
It was so cold where I was, in my own mind.
Here I feel warm.
I was just so tired, and I didn’t have the tears to cry my heart out and just feel better. I know what went in the head of Luna that day. I fucking know it now.
Holding June close, I looked at my friends, my new family. I felt both sadness for making them go through this, for being so weak, and gratitude for their presence.
Maybe, in the end, I should give life one last chance.
Perhaps this time, I won’t be disappointed, and maybe, just maybe , living will seem like the best option this time.
Niko and Elijah gathered my belongings; Benny informed me that I was well enough to go home. But the prospect of returning there left a deep, painful emptiness inside me.
I was scared of what I might find—had Elijah cleaned up the mess I made when I opened my wrist?
Did he wipe away the traces of my own blood on his floor? Even on his clothes?
Fuck . What have I done?
Ben hugged me, even if Elijah had his hand around my waist and whispered, “Heal this time.”
After that, Elijah guided me towards his car with Miranda, June, and Niko.
Turning towards him, I asked hesitantly if we could go somewhere else to sleep only for tonight at least. The fear of facing the reality there overwhelmed me. He just nodded, kissing my forehead, his gaze full of understanding, assuring me, “Just follow me, Milaya .”
Before leaving, I hugged Niko and Miranda tightly. I bent down to kiss Juny on the cheek, promising them that I would be fine and that they shouldn’t worry.
In the car, Elijah’s hand rested on my skin. I couldn’t recognize the direction we were headed, and when I asked him about it, he simply told me not to worry and kissed my hand.
Sitting in there, I was thinking that maybe the failed attempt was a message, a sign to keep going. Someone may have heard my silent scream, and gave me one last chance to live: for the man who loved me.
I turned to Elijah, planting a kiss on his cheek and resting my head on his shoulder to thank him for everything.
He responded with a tender kiss on my forehead.
The car stopped in front of an unfamiliar building. Elijah stepped out first, retrieved the bag, and opened my door. I placed my hand on his arm. “Where are we?”
“We’re home,” he replied.
Confusion washed over me, but he simply took my hand and guided me through the new elevator.
“I got us a new home. When you were in the hospital, I realized the old one wouldn’t feel like home anymore, so I wanted a fresh start for both of us.”
My eyes locked on his, and with a soft voice, I asked, “A new home?”
“Yes, a new home, for you, for us. I hope you’re going to like it.”
On my tiptoes I grabbed his face and kissed him. He softly smiled against my lips and took the lead to the new home. I followed him without any other questions or sound. I just wanted to see.
I felt a knot in my heart, because of me he spent so much just for a new house, just to make me feel comfortable.
I knew how much he loved the first one, the one where he, Ben and Niko have so many good memories. Where we fell in love together.
In the elevator, he sensed that I was drowning back in my thoughts and cupped my face, “Hey, look at me, don’t go there alone.”
I looked back at him, “I’m sorry you had to buy a new house. I didn’t want to do that. I know how you loved the old one, it was yours, and I destroyed your memories there.”
He leaned in and kissed me, his thumb caressing my cheek, “Zanae, I would’ve burned it if it could make you feel better.”
My heart…
We arrived, the doors opened, and I saw our new home. The living room was beautiful, with large windows and a massive balcony. The walls were beige, giving the place that cozy atmosphere. The kitchen was larger, as was the dining room. The lights added a warm glow, and the air was filled with the scent of pumpkin and vanilla.
I loved it.
His hand found its way to my waist, and he kissed my neck before whispering, “I knew how much you loved the balcony; I thought you would love this one too.”
His smile warmed me up from the inside. He took me upstairs to our room, like the other one, very warm, with brown and beige tones and big bookshelves filled with so many editions.
My fingers traced them, and this time it felt like it might be the moment I had hoped for all my life, the time for happiness.
I turned toward him, overwhelmed by love.
“Thank you, hayat -” I stopped and didn’t finish my sentence.
It was the second time this word slipped out of my mouth.
“What does it mean?” He asked, curious about that nickname.
“It means my life ,” I confessed, the heat creeping up my neck.
Elijah leaned against the wall, his head tilted, sadness and worry all over his face as he looked at me, “I’ve missed you so much, you have no idea.”
I jumped into his arms and hugged him, clinging to him like he was the oxygen my lungs desperately needed. I embraced him with the desperation of someone gasping for their last breath.
He was my last hope; if it doesn’t work with him, it won’t work with anyone else.
That night, we prepared dinner together. He did most of the work and kissed me while doing it. He smiled like he never smiled before. I never thought cooking could be so healing, but it was healing only because it was with him. Niko and Ben loved cooking too; I don’t know why they had this thing between them. Every time Niko invited us home, he would make dinner and be so happy about it, and even Ben did the same.
A few moments later, Niko walked in, cradling a bottle of my favorite red wine. His adorable grin told me he was here to lift my spirits, and it was the cutest thing he could do. I knew Niko was trying his best to make me feel good; I felt it. He was always there to make me laugh but turned serious as soon as I wanted to talk about what I felt.
I greeted him with a genuine smile.
“Thank you for this, Niko.”
“Of course, Princess,” he murmured, pulling me into a comforting hug, earning a dark glare from Elijah. “Oh, come on, Eli. Don’t give me that look, it’s not my fault that she loves my hugs more.”
Elijah just pulled me back in his arms and kissed my forehead.
We gathered around the dining table; and Niko poured the wine, saying, “To your new home.”
Elijah corrected him, “To our new home.”
And it was oddly comforting. My family was waiting for me to come back and live again, and it felt good.
Throughout dinner, Niko’s jokes and laughter made this house feel so much warmer and cozier. Elijah sat close, his touch always there.
He would leave his hand or his arm near me, like he wanted to make sure I was present and well.
For a moment, I was lost in my thoughts, my mind feeling empty. It felt like I was literally wandering within the confines of my own head, alone, savoring the respite I offered to my soul.
But then I sensed a brief silence between Niko and Elijah.
Were they still worried?
“I’m okay, guys,” I assured them, breaking the silence. “I’m just thinking.”
Elijah’s fingers found my pulse on my wrist and confirmed that my heart was beating normally. He leaned closer to me and kissed my jaw, “Good.”
Niko nodded at Elijah before starting to speak in Russian again, “ Ona ne vret? Yey luchshe ?”
Elijah smirked, his hand on the back of my neck, “ Net, ona ne vret. ”
Niko chuckled, “Okey, otlichno. ”
I just shook my head, “I hate when you two do that.”
Eli leaned toward me and whispered, “ Ya lyublyu tebya. ”
It was loud enough for Niko to hear it and let out a small laugh, I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, “What did you just say?”
He took his glass of vodka and sipped it, “That I was sorry for the Russian part.” And Niko laughed again; he was lying to me.
I really had to learn Russian.
After dinner, Niko had to go back home. But before leaving, he pulled me back into his arms and whispered in my ear, “You know what Elijah told you before?” I shook my head, still hugging him. He smiled against my head, “That he loved you.”
I looked at him, surprised that Elijah said it in front of someone else, not answering, just smiling. “And I love you too, Little Z, you know I’m just a call away if you need anything,” and with that, he disappeared outside.
I turned around to find Elijah leaning against the opposite wall, his head tilted, his gaze piercing.
In a deep, rich voice that I adored, he said, “What did Niko tell you, Zanae?”
I approached him, my eyes locked on his, his beautiful eyes full of love. “He told me that you loved me.”
He moved toward me, stopped, and lifted me with one hand to sit me on the kitchen island, while the other caressed my face.
I sat while he positioned himself between my thighs, and he just buried his head in my neck, inhaling my scent before lifting his face to mine.
“I do. I love you, more than I could ever express in words. I love you to the point where I see only you every time I close my eyes; you are the only thing I constantly think about. I don’t want you to forget it. I love being yours, and I love the feel of you being mine”
Tears of joy threatened to spill from my eyes. I felt like a million butterflies had been set free inside me; it was like every nerve in my body was alive.
Breathe Z, breathe . “What else?” I asked in a needy murmur.
His eyes burned with adoration and compassion. “I found my heart in yours, Zanae. You own me as much as I do, body, mind, and soul.”
I smiled at this man who had found a way to feel so much love for someone who couldn’t even love herself, cherishing every broken piece of me.
His eyes pleaded, begging me to persevere, to never stop trying.
In a voice so soft and supplicating almost, as if the answer could determine his own survival, he asked, “Can I kiss you?”
I was hypnotized by his existence, hypnotized by him, by the force with which he held me there, and I nodded my head, “Please do.”
“Call me like you did this morning,” he implored.
“ Hayati, please kiss me,” I whispered.
He began by pressing a gentle kiss to my neck, his tongue trailing along my skin until it found my lips with an urgency that caused my head to fall backward. His mouth was so demanding, so relieved.
My hands clung to his neck while he explored my body.
Our mouths left no space to breathe, yet I had never breathed better than when my breath was taken away by him.
He moved away from me for a few seconds so we could fill our lungs with air, his forehead pressed against mine, our bodies intertwining. “I missed you so much, Zanae; I thought I would never be able to breathe again.”
He kissed me one last time, tenderly and gently, as if he were savoring the sensation, and then took me to bed to sleep right after.
I was getting ready to bed, looking at my reflection in the mirror, and I remembered. I recalled that hand.
That shadow that had followed me for years in my reflection as if it were a part of me. My stomach, my throat.
His hand was everywhere.
And then the shadow transformed into a hand that my body recognized automatically.
Elijah traced long lines on my skin. “What are you thinking about?” He whispered.
Taking his hand, I traced the scars left behind by Lukas’s passage—where I had cut away everything that reminded me of it.
“He touched me here too. He used to call me his Little Angel.” Elijah’s grip tightened, his jaw clenching with barely contained anger. “He silenced me, even when my voice remained silent. And he smiled, proud of himself, proud of the pain he inflicted. He said I deserved it, that I wanted it. And he threatened Luna, saying she would suffer if I dared to scream again.”
Elijah turned me to face him, his touch gentle yet filled with a simmering rage. “I wish you had killed him yourself, Milaya .”
I wished that too. Anger replaced pain somehow.
My eyes closed, feeling peace as his arms enveloped me. He stood behind me, guiding me to look at my reflection in the mirror again.
“Do you see this face?” His fingers traced the contours of my cheeks. “It’s the face of the love of my life, the most beautiful soul I have ever known.” His hand moved down to my throat; his touch tender but still filled with conviction. “Here. This is my favorite song, the beat of my own heart.”
On my stomach, his fingers traced delicate lines, each touch healing. “Here, the body of the woman I adore, the one who will one day bring life into this world, our world.” Finally, his hand rested on my heart. “This is my favorite one, the epitome of love and hope in my head. Your life.”
I turned to look at him and just kissed him.
“I want you to feel my hands every time you look at yourself in the mirror.” He said, before lifting me up to lay me down in the bed. “Mine, in every way, scarred and beautiful.”
“Scarred and beautiful,” I whispered to myself before nestling against his chest.
That night, in our new house, I found sleep without nightmares, without the chill of cold sweats, without the racing palpitations, but with the hand of the man I love around me, and his breath caressing my hair.
I fell asleep sure that in his arms, I risked nothing, as if everyone, even my own demons, were afraid of him.