Chapter 52 – Zanae
52
ZANAE
“ T his one is just sexist,” I said, throwing up a picture on the floor.
Brian and I were analyzing and searching for information on the names that were on the list we made.
She laughed and grabbed her phone from the table. “Zanae, you’ve said that about every old man in the pictures and videos.”
I shrugged, taking another stack of photos back. “Not my fault if they’re all like that.”
But then, suddenly, Brian’s eyes widened, and she turned pale, as she whispered to herself, “Oh my god!”
“What is it, Brian?”
She paused, her breath catching. “Zanae…”
My heart quickened, and I set aside everything around me. “Tell me!”
Removing her headphones, she spoke with urgency, “There’s been a shooting at the restaurant where Elijah and Niko are. I intercepted some transmissions from the police station, and it’s serious. They don’t know what happened yet, but it seems like there are a lot of victims.”
Oh no, no, no.
Without thinking again, I got up, grabbed my gun, my hands trembling.
“I need to go, Brian. I have to make sure they’re okay.”
Brian rose and hugged me tightly. She was worried but I couldn’t reassure her, I couldn’t even breathe correctly. “Be careful, Zanae. Call me as soon as you can. I’m sure they’ll be fine. They’re the Zennites.”
“I’ll call you or text you,” I promised her before speeding towards the parking lot, my mind filled with worst-case scenarios.
Alone in the car, I repeated to myself, “ They’ll be okay. They have to be. Stay calm, Zanae. ”
Of course, they would be.
It’s Elijah and Niko.
They can not die in a small shooting.
My heart raced with fear, feeling like it might burst at any moment.
Please be okay, please be okay.
Approaching the restaurant, I frantically dialed their numbers. No response from Niko.
I tried calling Elijah again, but it took so long.
There was no response.
I tried again and again and again.
And just when desperation peaked, Elijah’s voice broke the silence in the car. “Zanae?”
Relief flooded my heart.
God , he’s alive.
“Elijah! Oh my god I thought you were dead! Are you okay? I’m in the car right now, thank God you’re alive.”
I saw the flashing police lights in the distance, and the sound of sirens grew louder near Elijah’s location.
“Go back home now. It’s not safe here,” he instructed, his voice chillingly cold.
“But I can see the restaurant. I’m almost there.”
I didn’t even hear his answer, because a blinding light came from my side. Suddenly, my head was thrown forward as if someone had punched me in the face.
I felt a rush of warmth down my temples, likely blood.
Fuck. It hurt so much.
I stumbled out of the car, clutching my gun tightly, dizzy.
Why is my head throbbing so painfully?
Damn, blood is still running down my forehead.
What just happened?
I see this silhouette, a woman.
Is that…?
No.
It doesn’t take me long to recognize this face—Abla, my mother—on the desolate road with me.
The headlights of my car illuminated her face.
Instinctively, my grip on the gun tightened.
How am I still breathing?
It’s the first time I see her, the first time I meet my own mother, and I can’t feel anything but anger and rage, no love, no pity, pure fury.
She’s staring at me, as if this were just a casual meeting.
But she’s my mother, the same woman who tried to end my life, who attempted to harm the man I love and my closest friend.
She systematically destroyed me, beginning with Luna, inflicting pain upon pain just to watch me suffer.
The desolation running through my entire being at the moment felt toxic.
And now, she’s smiling, with the warmth a mother would reserve for a cherished daughter she missed dearly. But her excitement isn’t for me; it’s for the prospect of seeing me hurt, lost, and terrified for the safety of the only people I have left.
My voice seethed with rage, “Was that you? You shot at the restaurant? Why would you do that?”
My mother stood in front of me, her gaze empty.
It all felt surreal.
“My darling, so beautiful,” she began, “you remind me of me when I was younger, before your father paid people to kill me.” She laughed like a lunatic and continued. “You know, Zanae, I gave you your name when you were born. It’s derived from the Arabic word ‘zanā,’ meaning ‘beauty.’ I thought it was perfect for our little princess. But your father didn’t love me when he married me. He just wanted a woman to procreate. A Lebanese. He wanted to have a boy, an heir, and I only gave him a girl—a weak fucking girl. And I hated him, even before our marriage. I despised that man.”
I looked at her, lost and in disbelief of the situation unfolding before me.
Her voice. It’s so clear and vivid.
Breathe Z. Breathe.
“So, you thought orchestrating the kidnapping and rape of your daughter, your own blood, and destroying her life, was the best way to seek revenge?”
I’m hallucinating. It can’t be true. She can’t be here.
She smiled coldly, her face was devoid of emotion, devoid of an ounce of love towards me, nothing .
She paced back and forth, continuing her story with a chilling calmness, “You know what’s amusing? It’s that you still ponder such questions. You were the catalyst for the end between your father and me before you were even in this world. He was so disgusted to have a daughter, so furious with me that he sought solace in the arms of another woman. He reveled in it until I discovered his little naughty secret. And of course, I informed the woman’s husband, the Pakhan— Volkov , isn’t that his name? You’re involved with their son, aren’t you? That little boy, Elijah, was quite charming, now he’s just incredibly hot, I understand why you’re with him.”
I approached her, gun ready to fire, “Don’t even fucking dare pronounce his name, Abla.”
She turned to me, the same cold smile playing on her lips, “Oh my little girl,” she mocked, her voice full of condescension. “You love him, don’t you? How endearing or pathetic; I don’t know yet. It almost makes me want to spare him from a more agonizing death. But you should let me finish my story, my dear Zanae.”
“You’re insane, I’m not your little girl.”
She smiled proudly, “You grew up well, you became a fierce woman, that’s good Zanae.”
“Shut up!!”
The voices wanted to come back so badly.
What’s happening?
My mother is in front of me.
She’s here.
She’s crazy.
She’s fucking crazy.
I just stood there, injured and completely lost in my own anger, while she continued, “When his father discovered the truth, he called Lukas who was a member of this organization, ‘The Veil’, demanding vengeance. The organization did what was necessary to eliminate his mother, the woman your father was involved with. And then your sweet dad blamed me, used the same organization and sold me like a commodity to Lukas himself. I endured rape, beatings, insults, and humiliation. But Lukas took pity on me, he didn’t kill me and married me. He even made me his partner, Zanae. He exploited me extensively before I gained the recognition I hold today.”
The Veil…
I spoke, my voice tinged by sorrow and disdain, “And where am I in this whole picture? Why putting so many girls through this fucking torture when you knew its consequences? Do you realize that because of your fucked up mind, my best friend couldn’t bear the trauma of the rape and kidnapping and took her own life? You’re truly deranged, you know that, right?”
I almost died too.
She laughed and shook her head, “I wish it was you instead of her then,” she continued, “Ah Lukas. He gave me another reason to live— revenge . Initially, it was against your father. I thought at the beginning that there was nothing better than striking his daughter, his only heiress, before he attempted to kill you too of course. I should’ve aimed for your head when I shot you.”
Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt so much?
It shouldn’t. Fuck!
She let out a sigh, heavy with repugnance and regret. “You truly are our greatest mistake, or perhaps mine alone,” she muttered, her voice filled with so much hate. “It’s ironic, isn’t it? You, with your little group of friends, are trying to dig up secrets about us and The Veil. Your father hated me for having another man than him, but he had the right to do so. That’s when I decided revenge on you would be just as satisfying. The only thing that altered the course of my life was having you. You ruined everything—my life, your father’s, the Volkovs’, and even your precious Elijah’s life. You had to experience what you made me live, my little Zanae. So, tell me, did you enjoy it?”
I absorbed everything she told me. The name of the organization, my father, Lukas, and the image of little Elijah, so young, who lost everything because of foolish grudges and egos, replayed in my mind.
All this pain stemmed from my birth, simply because I was a girl.
Because I wasn’t born with a dick between my thighs.
All this pain, this suffering, this death, because I was a fucking girl!
Dark thoughts clouded my mind.
I felt that heavy guilt, but more than anything, I felt intense anger towards this woman who had destroyed her own daughter’s life.
I loaded my gun, aiming at her head with a bitter smile, “You know, Mom, if I can call you that, of course, I always dreamed of meeting the woman who brought me into this world. Dad never tarnished the image I had of you—he said you left us, had a car accident, and died. But I would have preferred that version. You brought me into this world, I didn’t choose it; then you regretted it, trying every means to make me hate life or take it away entirely.”
I chuckled, remembering the events that unfolded in my life over the past few years. “Do you know what Lukas told me when he raped me at your behest? He called me a slut, claimed it was the most erotic experience he’d ever had, that he’d never felt better than when he was inside me, that I was so tight and innocent. He said that his dick thrived in me, that I was so young and fresh. He loved the blood that covered my thighs. Maybe as much as my tears.”
Memories threatened to drown me again in this horrendous and atrocious abyss. “I was crying, screaming for him to stop. But he just covered my mouth, threatening me to shut up or his friend, Alonzo, would kill my best friend. So, I stopped screaming, though inside, I was, with all my strength. You know what’s truly twisted about this? After that, I wanted to end my own life. You would have liked that, wouldn’t you? You almost pushed me to the point of no return. I thought about it so often. But then, I met this Volkov you mentioned.”
I approached her closer, the weapon directly pointed at her face. “You’re so stupid, Abla. The man you threaten to kill showed me something you never knew and will never understand—the feeling of being important to someone. To experience genuine love, the kind for which you’re willing to commit boundless acts for the well-being of that person.”
End her.
“How does it feel not to have known this feeling all your pathetic life? You’ve taken so much from me, but Elijah has given me more than you could ever take away. I know you fucking hate him even more now, realizing you can never break me again. Never . You’ve already shattered me into too many pieces, but I’ve mastered the art of making every sharp edge of these broken fragments more dangerous, I could stab you to death with them. Are you mad Mom? Are you angry? I hope you are, you fucking crazy bitch.”
Her expression shifted; frustration crossed her features while she attempted to assert control.
But I never was her daughter.
“Zanae!!!” Niko’s voice shouted from the road.
Eli and Niko rushed toward my location, screaming my name again. Briefly, my gaze shifted to acknowledge their arrival. Elijah strode forward, his eyes locked on me.
His shirt is full of blood.
His shirt is full of blood.
His shirt is full of blood.
I stood momentarily frozen, just thinking they might be injured. But Elijah mouthed, “We’re okay,” and I relaxed instantly.
They’re alive.
Abla let out a fake laugh. “Ah, here he is, we were just talking about you,” she said.
I looked at Elijah, and in his green eyes, I saw anger brewing. It all felt unreal—she had destroyed my life, she was involved with the organization, and yet here I was, trying to comprehend it all.
She had the same black hair as me, the same pale skin, the same sad tired eyes.
She’s your mother.
She turned to him and smiled. “Little Elijah, you were so young, and you’ve grown up so well, a strong and respected man,” she began. “But your mother was not respectable... You know she took everything from me. Do you really think I’ll let you be with my daughter as if nothing happened, as if you both will have your little happy ending? It’s quite amusing, really. Moreover, it would be a lie to believe for a second that you’re capable of love. I’ve seen your exploits with your little friend next to you. Nice to meet you, Nikolai Moretti. And where is your other friend? The spy doctor one. Benedetto Romano right?”
Ben? She knew Ben too?
Something changed in her eyes, she was… sincere ? Her gaze softened when they landed in Nikolai, her features relaxed, and a nostalgic smile played at the corners of her lips, accenting the aging lines around her mouth. “You look so much like your dad,” she remarked.
Then, turning back to Elijah, her gaze hardened once more. “You too, Volkov, so alike your father,” she continued. “You’re cruel, you’ve done some terrible things, haven’t you? Your father, the Pakhan at the time, was highly feared, but I never thought his son would be worse. Don’t make me believe that you love my daughter because I don’t even think you’re capable of love.”
Unconsciously, I felt myself drawing closer to her, ready to act.
My focus was on protecting Elijah, and I didn’t even spare him a glance.
But he moved.
His arm wrapped around my waist, staring into my mother’s eyes, his laughter caught me off-guard.
His voice was low, cold, devoid of any trace of fear or hesitation. “Did you find my letter, Abla? Next to Lukas’s ashes. If you only knew how he screamed in agony. It felt so fucking good, I loved every second of it.”
He kissed my cheek, slowly, as if we were alone, and whispered, “Are you okay, baby?”
I didn’t know what to do, nor what to say, I just nodded.
I never felt the need to protect someone as much as I do with him right now.
His eyes got back to my mother, “One thing, Abla—never dare to speak of my mother again, or you’ll quickly find yourself next to your beloved, who, by the way, peed himself when I opened him up from the inside.”
He did that to Lukas?
Leaning in closer, his gaze cold, empty, he continued, “You know what I did to him when I was searching for you? I cut out his tongue before cutting off his dick. But it wasn’t enough.”
Oh my god. He did that. To avenge me.
Lukas suffered. And knowing how much he suffered in his death satisfied me in the most twisted and horrible way. I almost felt sad that I wasn’t the one who caused it. But there are still plenty more, and they will all share the same fate.
Breathe Z. Breathe.
“Now, look at me closely when I speak, and listen carefully to what I’m about to say.”
There was no warmth in his voice, only icy determination. “You took so much from her, threatened her, even shot her and nearly killed her. If you had succeeded, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Trust me, you wouldn’t want the world to witness what I would’ve become if Zanae wasn’t here anymore.”
His voice dripped with sadistic pleasure, he was so intense that my hand trembled on the gun. “Can you even begin to fathom what it’s like to be desired, craved, but forever held just beyond reach?” he asked, his hand tightening around my waist. “What I feel for Zanae is an intensity beyond the reach of your fucking understanding, or anyone’s understanding, to be honest. I don’t even understand how it’s possible.”
A sinister smile played on his lips as he continued, “So, Abla, before you dare to speak of love, envisage the extraordinary, amplify it into the infinite, and then perhaps you’ll grasp a fraction of what courses through my veins for her. But even in that futile attempt, you’ll never fucking come close to the absurd magnitude of my love for the woman you wanted to kill.”
He leaned in closer, his voice lowering to a dangerous whisper. “And you know what this love does to you? Madness, insanity, delirium —the kind that makes you burn someone alive, just like I did with your little cunt of a man. So, keep talking to her like that and you’ll have to face me, and I promise you Abla, you’re going to regret the time where Lukas was the one beating you up.”
He burned him alive.
I felt her tense because of his words. I was struggling to breathe; my head was way too heavy. And a little part of me was still imagining for a second, that maybe, and just maybe, this love could crumble if he looked at my eyes too long and remembered what my existence meant to him. Punishment, loneliness, and pain.
Fuck her, she’s in my head now.
Approaching with red eyes, she spoke frantically to me and did not even answer Elijah.
“You do not know true love. He doesn’t love you. Do you think, after what he and his whole lineage endured because of us, he can love you? You’re wrong. And if you love him now, I know at least where to press to hurt you. I’ll kill him, do you hear me? I’ll end him and send him to his parents,” she continued, the same insanity dancing in her eyes. “You know, Zanae, there are many of us in this organization and you’ll never find out who’s at the top of it. The Veil is powerful, and they have a plan. They always had a plan.”
Pain and anger boiled within me as I stared back at her, understanding her words.
It hit me like a sledgehammer—my revenge was far from over, and the danger was far from gone.
She turned her head towards Elijah and retrieved something from her pocket. “Oh, and Mister Volkov,” she sneered, “let’s see how strong that love of yours is. I’m going to cut it right before your eyes, watch her crumble without your so-called infinite love.”
Her hand moved, and instinctively I positioned myself in front of him.
“Don’t!” I yelled, and she just smiled.
Niko’s scream pierced through the chaos. “Fuck. No! Eli!”
In the blink of an eye, a gunshot echoed.
Boum .
Abla’s eyes widened in shock, stumbling backward, a crimson stain spreading across her chest.
Gasping for air, she collapsed to the ground.
I approached her dying body, leaning over with an empty smile while she struggled for her last breaths.
“Say hello to Lukas and Alonzo for me,” I taunted softly. “I didn’t have the chance to bid them farewell before Elijah put an end to their miserable lives. But I promise, I’ll eliminate everyone who’s still alive. Love makes you do extremely serious things, doesn’t it? Oh, and Mom, don’t ever fucking rest in peace.”
I stood up, the realization settling in my mind swiftly.
I had just killed my mother.
There was no hesitation, and I didn’t regret it.
Not for a second.
Elijah and Niko exchanged somber glances, understanding the gravity of the situation. Without a word, Niko moved my broken car away from the scene.
He then made a call, arranging for someone to take care of the car discreetly, without drawing unnecessary attention to me.
I glanced at Elijah, noticing his expression. It was a strange combination.
Anger and worry.
I knew he wouldn’t be okay with me impulsively jumping into a shooting to save them, especially when they didn’t need saving. But he kept a calm gaze and gently guided me away from there. His grip was firm but comforting.
He didn’t say a word, until we arrived next to the parking lot. “You’re fucking bleeding, Zanae.”
I touched my forehead, feeling the warm liquid there.
But then I noticed something strange: his shirt had even more blood on it; he was hurt.
Panic surged through me.
I ran my hand over his shirt, frantically trying to open it and see what had happened.
My fingers, slick with blood, fumbled clumsily, and my heart was beating so fast in my chest.
Why do I feel like dying?
“Niko! Elijah is hurt, come here!” I screamed. “ Hayati … this is a lot of blood.”
He’s hurt. Elijah is hurt.
Niko came running, but Elijah hand stopped mine as I pressed it against his chest. “I’m fine; it’s just a cut from some broken glass in the restaurant,” he said, his voice calm.
I was trembling uncontrollably, my breaths coming in ragged gasps. “It’s so deep…” I murmured to him, barely coherent with a broken voice. “We need alcohol. We—we need Benny.”
My eyes found Niko’s, the Zennites’s cars started to gather around us, and I asked in a shaky whisper, “Can you call Benny? Elijah is hurt, he’s bleeding.”
I killed my mother, Elijah was hurt, Niko and him almost died.
Breathe Z, breathe.
Elijah’s thumb caressed my cheek as he tried to calm me. “Hey, I’m okay. Niko is okay. But you’re injured, baby. Please, look at me.”
His other hand grabbed mine and placed it on his heart. “Hear this, and come back to me.”
Thump, thump, thump.
He’s here, he’s fine, he’s alive .
My eyes fluttered open and found him looking at me, worried, with Niko beside him, wearing the same expression.
“You’re alive,” was all I could say.
I hugged them both, but my head felt way too heavy.
Niko went back to his car to take us home. A few of their men were already here, surrounding my mother’s dead body. I recognized Levi, who just nodded at us before starting to take care of the mess.
Elijah kissed my temple once, then a second time, and finally said, “I’m alive, but you have an ugly cut on your head. I’m worried sick, and I’m fucking furious that you got hurt. We’re going home, where Ben will find us and take care of this, okay?”
His voice was cold, filled with worry, anger, and love. He pulled me closer, his fingers shaking on my small wound while he tried to keep it together. “If she was still alive, I would’ve killed her with my bare hands for this,” he whispered, his eyes filled with a dark possessiveness.
A horn sounded, and we got into the car with Niko, leaving the chaotic scene. He drove us home without a word.
The silence, the tension—it was so strange.
My head throbbed with pain, and I could feel the blood drying on my skin. Elijah’s eyes never left the wound, even if he was hurt too.
Upon arrival, Benny was already waiting for us. Niko nodded at him, and Elijah helped me onto the sofa. He examined me, checking for any signs of serious injury.
“Zee, can you follow my finger with your eyes?” He asked, gently moving his index finger from left to right.
I obeyed, thinking about Elijah and Niko who were probably in the kitchen cleaning Elijah’s wound before Benny stitches it up, calling their contacts and hiding what had happened.
Especially since there were a lot of police around.
Ben nodded in approval. “Your responses seem normal, but I’ll need to check one last thing,” he explained, reaching for a small flashlight. “Can you follow this light for me?”
I squinted as I focused on the light. “Very good, Zee,” he praised with a warm smile. “You seem to be doing okay.”
Returning his smile, I gently squeezed his hand. “We missed you, Ben. Let’s plan for you to come over to the house this weekend.”
He leaned down and gave me a brief, reassuring hug. “I missed you too. I’ll bring my projector and a list of movies for us to watch.”
The guys returned, Elijah had his shirt open, with a bandage along his rib. Benny spoke up, “Physically, she seems fine. Just a minor head injury, but nothing serious. She needs rest, though.” He turned to Eli and Niko, adding, “Now, come on so I can check on your injuries you two.”
Elijah shot me a serious look, “We’re going to have a serious discussion later.” He then followed the two men into his office.
I was alone in the dark and lost. All I knew was that my eyes felt heavy from the events of tonight. Everything had happened so quickly—the shooting, the accident, confronting my mother, and ultimately ending her life.
The impact that my existence had on everyone I loved to death was tragic.
Why was it so hard to be a woman in this world? Maybe an angry woman would be more acceptable. It felt like the world expected us to be quiet and composed, even when we’re shattered and humiliated.
But fuck no, I refuse to stay invisible. I need my fury to be seen, to show them that we’re here, whether they like it or not. Women will stand strong, and if we have to burn the ground down with our rage and tear down everything in our way, we will.
This frustration has ignited an unapologetic fury that refuses to be contained. I’m done being the good girl, the sad girl, the broken one. It’s time to destroy the cage and let the rage consume everything.
I couldn’t forget that I had killed Abla.
There was a sick satisfaction in it, knowing she was no longer a threat. She wasn’t just a broken woman; she was a monster, inside and out. The crimes she committed went beyond just me; they affected countless others.
I understood why Elijah had been so conflicted about being attracted to me. I understood why he had wanted me to suffer. My family had taken so much from him, far more than I could ever hope to give back. I hated it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that all the hatred he had felt before might resurface at any moment.
If it did, I wouldn’t even blame him.
The tragedy in our love felt poisonous, like a twisted kind of Romeo and Juliet with more darkness, more death, more pride. Two families, enemies forever—it’s in the blood of our own history. But we fight them every day with kisses, love, and passion, even though it always comes back to haunt us.
And maybe one day, he’ll get tired of fighting.
That’s what scared me the most.
After a few minutes, the boys came back. Ben leaned close to me before gently stroking my hair, “Be careful, Zee. Last time I saw you, you were dying. I don’t want you to put yourself through that again, okay?”
I nodded and smiled at him. My head still felt heavy, but I didn’t sense any serious injury. Niko came next and sat beside me, burying his head in his hands. “Little Z, for God’s sake, what happened? Why were you there?”
I looked straight ahead, avoiding Elijah’s gaze as he leaned against the wall, his stare heavy on me. “Brian found out about a shooting happening in the restaurant where you were. I just grabbed my gun and came to see if you were okay. That’s where she was waiting for me.”
Breathe, Zanae. Breathe.
I turned toward Niko, only to find him smiling—a mixture of relief and pride. “You didn’t have to do this, Z. Really, putting yourself in this kind of situation is more nerve-wracking for us than the situation itself.”
In his eyes I felt like he was managing me, because he knew that our discussion with Elijah wouldn’t be that easy. “I’m not just someone you protect; I’m also your associate in this. I may be less trained, less experienced than you two, but I’ll never be less loyal.”
“You’re right, Princess.” He placed his hand on my shoulder and added, “I should go. Call me if anything’s wrong.” With that, he rose and headed toward the elevator, nodding to Elijah as the doors closed behind him.
Elijah didn’t move, still leaning against the wall, his gaze fixed on me.
I got up and approached him slowly, needing to see his expression up close. I knew he was angry that I went after them tonight, but I needed to understand his thoughts on what my mother had revealed.
I needed to know if he still wanted to fight.
My hand rested on his cheek, and he made no attempt to move, his focus on my eyes as I spoke. “I’m so sorry, Elijah.”
His eyes flickered for a second, surprise filling them. “I’m sorry for indirectly robbing you of your own life. I’m sorry that destiny is still trying to kill our love. I’m almost sorry for being a girl. Your life could’ve been so much better if I didn’t exist at all.”
Taking a deep breath, I added, “You know what scares me? The thought that one day you’ll wake up and remember why you initially felt this way toward me. Perhaps my mother was right; I couldn’t even blame you if that day comes. I wouldn’t survive it, but I would understand.” I planted a small kiss on his Adam’s apple. “You deserved to have your mother with you growing up, and I’m sorry you didn’t have the chance to. But I’m unfortunately here, I exist and I love you.”
Feeling a stab in my heart at his silence, I withdrew my hand from his face. “You lost everything the night you met me, and I’m sorry for that, Eli.” I kissed the corner of his mouth gently, and begged, “Please stay with me.”
God, I felt ridiculous pleading for him to never leave me. But isn’t love something that drives you to act irrationally and absurdly?
“Stop.”
One word. And I could’ve imagined it. But when his eyes met mine, he said it again. “Stop.”
Elijah shifted, readjusting himself, and encircled his hand around my throat, then he crushed his lips against mine with a lot of anger.
He kissed me as if he wanted to punish me for being sorry, as if he wanted to suffocate me.
For the first time, he kissed me to prove something to me. I kissed him back, wanting to convey my sorrow.
We kissed to talk.
We kissed because our lips spoke a language unique to us, defying the limitations of spoken expression.
We separated to catch our breath, his hand still firmly around my neck, feeling my pulse following the length of his fingers, and his forehead against mine. As our eyes locked, he delicately guided me away, his voice icy and low.
“Don’t you fucking dare apologize, Zanae.”
He turned away momentarily, his jaw clicking and clenching from the weight of so many emotions. “Never again put yourself in situations like tonight. Never entertain the thought that I could feel any lingering hatred towards you. Never doubt me again.”
He stopped and tilted his head. “How could you think, Zanae, that I could ever leave you? How could you imagine that?”
My eyes widened, witnessing a state of emotion I had never seen from him before.
He was fuming and furious, yet there was raw vulnerability in his voice. “I don’t breathe without you; I don’t sleep without you. When you’re not near me, my body feels it. Every cell in me dances to the same rhythm as yours. Your pain, your wounds, your sadness—it’s a new kind of torment that I feel, and I’ve never hurt so much in my life.”
He shook his head before spatting, “I agonize in your pain.”
“I—” No words came out of my mouth.
Elijah pointed at each mark on his chest. “I’ve been tortured, Zanae. My abdomen was opened, I was stabbed, electrocuted, shot, even punched so hard I almost died. I was burned with acid and endured all kinds of torture, physically and emotionally. But I’ve never suffered as much as when you’re the one suffering.”
He lowered his head, chuckling as if he were losing his mind. “And you seriously think I could ever hate you and leave you? Zanae, that choice stopped being mine a long time ago. I loved you even when I had to despise you. People might fear me out there, but the one who truly has power over me, the only one that wields control over my very being, is you. You always had that control on me. Always. Do you realize the absurdity of doubting for a second that what your mother said could be true?”
In a swift motion, he seized my hand, pressing it forcefully against his heart. “You have the power of life or death over me, Zanae. If one day you decide that this heart must stop beating, I’ll make it stop. So, I`ll repeat one last time, never dare to doubt what I feel for you. I love you to the furthest reaches of eternity, and that will never change, even after my own death.”
I stood there, at a loss for words.
I was too stunned to speak.
Too emotional to cry. Too in love to stop his declaration.
He loved me. I was a disaster, a tragedy on my own, but he wanted to be part of this macabre and deadly dance that sculpted the fabric of my days.
The man I would die and kill for, loved me.
Everything he said was engraved in my brain. I never saw him like this. He never yelled at me, never lost his temper with me, but I felt his frustration and felt sorry for doubting him.
He loved me, and I loved him too.
In this kind of relationship, nothing was complicated, but with us, everything was.
Two broken souls, struggling to breathe in unison without causing pain, without succumbing, without drowning.
My love gently caressed my cheek, his eyes pleading for me to comprehend the magnitude of his feelings. “I won everything the night I met you, Milaya. I won my life back in your eyes.”
Softly, he added, “Go to sleep, Zanae. I need to be alone a little more.”
He placed a tender kiss on my forehead. I was still processing what happened. I nodded quietly and retreated to the bed.
Our room felt empty.
His words echoed in my mind like a haunting melody.
I felt sick remembering his scars, his pain. I felt sick, but I also felt loved to a point where I was overwhelmed with our love, in the best and worst way possible.
Exhaustion finally claimed me, pulling me into the embrace of sleep, yet the dreams were elusive, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.
He didn’t sleep with me that night. I didn’t feel my other half, I didn’t feel his heart, his arms, his touch, his warmth. I knew he was upset.
When the morning light filtered through the curtains, I stirred, expecting to find Elijah beside me, thinking he had come during the night.
But he didn’t. The bed was empty, and a note in his familiar scrawl caught my eye.
“I went boxing this morning. Be back soon.”
I clung to the note as if it were a lifeline. The ache in my head persisted, but I needed to distract myself, so I reached for a book, hoping the words on its pages might provide another kind of reality.
The door opened, and Nikolai quietly approached from behind while I was deeply focused on my book on the sofa.
I turned toward him, only to be met by his playful smile.
“Mind if I join?”
“Yes, I do mind.”
The book was reaching the most important point; they were going to kiss for the first time.
But Niko just casually sat beside me, replying, “Don’t fucking care.” Unsurprising, coming from him.
I closed the book and adjusted my position to face him.
“How are you feeling, Z?”
“I’m fine. Why?”
He tilted his head. “Little Z, don’t lie to me. How are you truly feeling?”
Locking eyes with him, then looking away as tears welled up, “I didn’t know her, Niko. It’s not a loss. She was never there; she only caused harm in my life. And she wanted to kill everyone around me.”
His hand rested on my shoulder as we both gazed in the same direction from the balcony.
The sky.
“She was still your mother.”
I turned to him, my heart felt tight and on the verge of combustion. “I hated her. I didn’t even think twice before pulling the trigger.”
Niko faced me, and with a small smile, he replied, “My Z, Elijah has survived situations you might not even imagine. He has survived things that sometimes keep me from sleeping.” He smiled at me before continuing, “He’s not afraid of them, but I know he’s afraid for you, like he has never been afraid of anything in life. He’s afraid of losing you, and if I can be honest with you, Princess, I’m afraid too. I’m afraid of losing you and at the same time, I’m afraid of losing him in this. Ben is afraid too. Miranda and June are afraid of that too.”
He took a long breath before shaking his hand, “Fuck.” A silent pause followed before his gaze met mine, as he continued, “The only thing I ask you sincerely, is that you realize this the next time you want to do something dangerous, think about him, think about me, Ben, Miranda, June, even Brian.”
I sighed, leaning my head on his chest, and appreciated my friend for being this incredible human he was.
With a very faint smile, I told him, “He’s part of my soul, Niko. He’ll never leave. I won’t leave either; I’ll never make him regret giving me the chance to be close to him. But if he is ready to die for me, I am too, Niko, and I will protect him, protect you, Ben and Miranda, Brian too, as long as my heart beats, even if I have to kill the flesh of my flesh again. Because, in the end, you are the only family I have ever known.”
As long as I’m alive, I’ll protect them.
Niko’s eyes stayed vacant for a few seconds, and then they met mine, full of sorrows and pain, “That night. We came back with Benny and he called you. We found him crying, holding his mother’s picture close to him, drenched in his father’s blood.”
My breath cut, visualizing that scene.
“My father got him up and he told him to get himself clean first. Benny and I were so young too. But witnessing him like this was— it was pure horror. We asked if he was okay, and he just said, ‘I had my Little Nightmare to keep me safe.’ He talked about you, Zanae. He spoke of amber eyes and never stopped counting to 10, hoping to see those amber eyes again. They kept him alive the night when he almost died from heartbreak, grief, and pain. You were always an anchor for him. Always . My father, Ben, and I saw death in his eyes, we saw blood etched in him, forever. But he found heaven in your hell, Zanae.”
We were two dead and broken souls. But we still found heaven in each other’s hell.
My heart stopped, tears filled my eyes.
My Little Nightmare. That nickname.
Elijah… My baby suffered so much.
“I’m sorry?—”
Niko hugged me and calmly replied, “Don’t be, you saved him. You always saved him.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Niko stroked my hair, calming my sobs. He smiled against my head and tightened his hug, “Thank you for coming into our lives. You’re my little Z, and I will do anything to protect you. So, stop diving into danger like you did, okay?”
I nodded, “I promise. And thank you for welcoming me into your life.”
We looked at each other for a few more seconds before someone joined us in the room.
Elijah glanced at each of us, and his gaze landed on me.
In his eyes, I could read so many emotions, but at that moment, I thought of Niko’s words.
Without saying a word, I stood up, took him in my arms, and kissed him.
Niko chuckled before leaving us with one last comment, “Well, I’ll leave you two.”
Elijah
She looked at me with eyes full of understanding.
Tears and love burning in her amber eyes.
10.
She loved me. My Little Nightmare loved me.
And she knew about that night. She knew about everything, about my obsession more clearly, and she wanted to protect me.
I had to fully grasp the depth of our relationship.
Yesterday, my heart almost exploded, witnessing her pain. I needed to be alone, to evacuate this frustration. But I lied to myself more than anything. I loved that woman, and she was the only thing that kept me alive.
I never knew this kind of protection. I lost it with my mother’s death years ago. It felt strange to realize that she was not just healing the Elijah standing before her but also the 12-year-old Elijah who cried next to his fathers body and dead mother’s picture.
It doesn’t hurt as much as it did remembering my mother’s life, now that I have Zanae. I can look at the star necklace and smile without feeling empty.
She’s healing me in a way I didn’t even know I was hurt in the first place. She helps the little boy I see when I close my eyes and remember where I come from. She helps him by bringing a love he never had the chance to receive, attention he never had time to experience, and, above all, she gives him hope that it will get better.
Even if he feels alone, monstrous, and compelled to build a wall around his heart, he will meet this woman who will demolish that barrier and introduce him to a plethora of experiences. She will show him a rainbow of colors when he only sees life in black and red, make him laugh and smile when he thought he couldn’t.
She’ll show him amber vividly, not just in his dreams.
This angel with long ebony hair will help him understand that he wasn’t sick for not feeling anything, but that with her he could feel everything.
My dreamy Little Nightmare.
She looked at me with those haunting eyes. Her beautiful face, her long hair brushing against my arms, and I felt guilty for scolding her yesterday.
I trace the lines of her face gently, before speaking up, “You obsess me, Zanae, to a point where seeing you in the slightest pain makes me feel your pain multiplied with a lot of fucking anger,” I brush her lips slightly and continue, “I’m sorry for losing my temper yesterday, but when I saw what you did yesterday for me, it was overwhelming. I don’t want you to be in this condition, especially not for me.”
She offers me her beautiful smile, tears still streaming down her face, her little dimple popping from her right cheek. “You deserve the care and attention you unconditionally shower upon me every day. You deserve to feel that you can rest by my side and feel the reassurance you bring me rather than this escalating paranoia about my safety. I’m so deeply in love with you that I’m afraid someone might snatch you away from me just as I’ve barely found you. I’m always ready to kill for you and die for you.”
My woman is beautiful. She’s clueless about the insanity she provokes in me, a fire ready to explode and consume everything that isn’t her.
Maybe, after all, I’m the Devil. And she’s not an angel; she’s a dark one, my Lilith.
Deadly, scarred, shattered, and ready to avenge herself and get rid of those demons who haunt her past.
Ready to kill for love, for me .
My gorgeous love, so broken, so many pieces of her, I was so lucky to have them all to myself.
“I see you , Zanae. In all your glory, in all your misery, in all your despair. And I feel like the luckiest man alive to have so many beautiful pieces of you to keep safe and make them shine more than they already do.”
Large enchanting amber eyes soften, searching for deliverance in my gaze. “Elijah…” her sweet voice whispers as if it was just a simple breath. My name sounded like oxygen coming from that mouth.
“Listen to me. Let me love you, fiercely, dangerously, but let me love you , because saving you is saving me, Milaya .”
“You’re the one saving me.”
My love. Isn’t she the sweetest? Lethal and adorable.
I reach out, my hand almost trembling, brushing lightly against her lips, then her cheekbone, and that delicate jaw of hers.
Every contour felt like I was touching something forbidden, like art.
My thumb strokes just beneath her eye, where those dark circles rest above her freckles, which redden every time I call her Milaya or touch her. Every time she cries from pleasure or from training, I see the same reaction.
My breath mingles with hers, but my eyes can’t see anything else but her at this moment.
“Fuck, you’re so divine. It feels blasphemous to be with you.”
Our eyes communicate, and what amuses me about this little woman is that, in all my life, I’ve never expressed anything, but with her, words fail me. They’re not enough to express what I feel. I gently rest my thumb on her lips and savor the sight before me. The most captivating woman, wholly mine, engulfed in the same flames as me.
“I want to kiss you.”
“Then do it.”
And I kissed her, feeling my own life on those lips, brushing against my mouth with passion and fever.
“Next time you doubt us, remember that I give you permission to use me and steal my life if you need to. That’s how much I love you.”
Amber eyes scrutinize me, and a small perverse smile appears on the corners of her mouth.
“Can I use you for something else?”
My Little Nightmare . My woman is something else.
“Use me for anything you want. But first, take your clothes off.”