Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
THEO
This has been a godawful fucking shit show to say the least. I’ve cried more in the last couple of weeks than I’ve ever done in my whole life.
I’m not gonna lie, though, I’ve never felt better.
That and the sessions with Mike have really been shifting my focus and finally allowing me to deal with my trauma.
It just took Blake coming back into my life for me to finally sort my shit out.
Hearing Blake say she’d been raped filled me with rage like never before, and seeing her breakdown in front of me made me feel like the worst kind of asshole because I pushed her.
I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings that I didn’t think of how she would be feeling.
How much it would affect her. But in typical BPD fashion, we don’t think clearly.
It’s only after the dust has settled and we replay what happened over and over again that we see where we fucked up…
usually resulting in self-loathing and hatred for ourselves because we’ve fucked up yet again, and thus the cycle continues.
I’d walked out after she told me, drowning in guilt for caring more about me than what she’d been through. If I hadn’t been so weak, maybe I could’ve stopped it. Maybe we wouldn’t be carrying this heartache a decade later.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. All useless now.
So I’d needed a minute to bring myself back to the now because if I didn’t, I would have ended up getting a razor out to stop the influx of feelings swarming me.
But I grounded myself instead. I kept telling myself to calm down, that Blake was the important one here and not me.
That she deserved better. The thought of hunting down the prick who raped her and killing the asshole with my bare hands was also helping.
I’m still thinking of doing it. I know people who can hide a body.
Shelving that thought for later.
My chest feels tight as I replay her words, “You’ll always be good enough, big guy.
” I just wish my brain would get the memo.
I’m exhausted from being me. This woman has suffered a horrific experience—she’s one of the few people I’ve always been able to feel emotions with—yet I’m making it about me.
I draw away from her and push the hair off of her face. “What happened after?”
She blows out a breath and takes a step back.
“I called the police. I gave a statement and went to the hospital for a… rape test kit. They couldn’t find any DNA, so it was his word against mine.
Because he already had a suspended sentence, they imprisoned him for six months.
” She scoffs angrily. “Six months is all he got because they hired one of the best lawyers in the country. I represented myself, and while I’m good, I wasn’t his level good.
I haven’t seen or heard from Hugh since then.
I moved to Chicago so I didn’t have to keep looking over my shoulder.
Got offered the job with Lowell and Sampson, and here I am. ”
My hands have clenched tighter and tighter the more she spoke. This Hugh guy is dead. I don’t care. He touched what was mine and caused all of this heartbreak. I might be ‘needy Viking’ to some, but I have a mean streak a mile long, and I’m not afraid to use it.
“So, all of this hate toward me… that was because you thought I’d cheated on you and that you weren’t good enough?” she asks, biting her bottom lip.
“Unfortunately. Hindsight’s a bitch, huh?” I huff with a shrug.
“Where do we go from here?”
Life’s eternal question.
“I don’t know. A lot of trust was broken by both of us. We need to find a way to move past this and trust each other again. Especially seeing as we’ll be working closely together while the case is still active.”
Blake nods, but I can see her mind is elsewhere. She heaves out a sigh as she comes to some unknown decision. “In the interest of being honest, you’re going to need to sit down for this one.”
Dread fills my stomach. I don’t know how much more I can take after tonight’s secrets, but she has a determined look on her face, and I know in my gut this is something she needs to tell me. “I’m not going to like this, am I?” I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“Honestly? I don’t know. But please bear with me and listen to everything I have to say before you hit the roof,” she says seriously, her eyes pleading with me.
I nod. “I’ll try.”
Fuck, I really hope this doesn’t trigger me and I lose my shit all over again.
“No, Theo. I need you to promise me. Let me get this all out, and then you can scream, shout, and be mad at me, but please just listen.”
My mind’s going haywire, my anxieties kicking in. “What is it?”
She nibbles on her thumb as she starts pacing. I sit down on the sofa, crossing one leg over the other and draping my arm across the back. Too anxious to sit in that position for more than a second, I quickly change to sitting forward with my knees braced on my elbows.
“I spent so long trying to deal with the aftermath,” she begins slowly.
“You had left. I had no family. No one to turn to. I didn’t try to find you because I thought you’d had your fun and decided to leave, never to look back.
It wasn’t right, and for that I’ll always be sorry, but I had to put myself first. I had to put my baby first.”
My head snaps up. “I’m sorry… baby?” White noise fills my ears, and a wave of dizziness hits me.
“I got pregnant.”
I swallow around the lump that’s formed in my throat. “He got you pregnant? But I thought there was no DNA?”
Blake raises an eyebrow. “Hugh used a condom.”
“So how did you get pregnant? Was it after? Did you sleep with someone else?” I feel sick to my stomach. I really can’t take much more. I’m balancing on the edge of a knife as it is.
“I honestly wonder sometimes how you managed to become one of the top lawyers in the country.” She rolls her eyes, and I’m beginning to sense I’m missing something here.
The thing is, most people think I’m dense or stupid, but I’m not.
I’m juggling so much at once that I forget things.
The trauma drive mode is fully activated, meaning if I’m not creating something, whether it’s a new client or a new case, I wallow in self-pity, and my mood dips.
So yeah, my mind is a very busy fucking place.
“My baby… my son is… our son.” She says the words slowly, but it takes a minute for my brain to engage fully.
“Our son? As in me? I’m the dad? I have a child I knew nothing about?” I’m rambling, spiraling, unable to comprehend what she’s saying. It would be easier to understand if she’d just punched me.
“Yes, Theo,” she says with a sigh. “By the time I realized I was pregnant, you were long gone, and I was dealing with everything Hugh had done—court hearings, prenatal appointments, and school. I didn’t know what I was doing half the time.
” She huffs out a laugh. “God, I’d hoped with my entire soul the baby didn’t belong to Hugh, and thankfully, he didn’t.
I obsessed over my period dates, got dating scans, and everything pointed to you being the father.
” She pauses, tears welling in her eyes as she smiles.
“The relief I felt when I saw my beautiful boy for the first time was overwhelming, especially when he opened his eyes and there was no denying he was yours.”
“How old is he? What’s his name?” I choke out. My heart squeezes like a vice in my chest. I’m a dad?
Blake’s face lights up, her eyes softening and filling with love. “His name is Oscar, and he’s nine. His birthday is next month.”
“Little dude,” I whisper to myself in awe. I knew there was something different about him from the moment I met him.
“He told me he met you in his office.” She nods to herself before chuckling, “He said you have the best Transformers collection he’s ever seen.”
I can’t seem to get past the fact that I have a kid. Me? The emotionally unstable man-child. Fucking hell.
“I want to see him again,” I mumble.
“We can do that, Theo. I’m not going to keep him from you.
What I do ask is that you take it at my pace.
” She holds up her hand when I go to interrupt.
“I know this is all a lot to take in, but Oscar and I have been on our own for a long time, and I need to ease him into it. He’s incredibly mature for his age, but I don’t want to overload him.
I’ve protected him this far, and I’ll continue to do so.
All I’m asking is that we take this slow.
Get to know him first, and when he’s ready, we tell him… together. That’s non-negotiable.”
As much as I want to barrel into Oscar’s life and demand to be his dad, I know what Blake’s saying is right. I have to take it at his pace and not scare him off.
“Okay. I agree to your terms. How do we do it?”
“Well, you’ve already met him at the office… I can bring him there? It’s not ideal, but it’s a neutral ground to start with. Most people don’t know I have a child though. I didn’t want anyone looking at me weirdly.”
She’s rambling, and I’m not sure whether I find it adorable or not. There’s still a lot to unpack with my feelings toward her, but I do know that I want to be in my son’s life.
Fuck. My son.
I have a son.
What if he hates me? Doesn’t want anything to do with me? What if I’ve passed my mental health issues onto him and fucked the poor kid up for life?
Oh god. I can’t do this.
“Breathe, Theo,” a voice says, and the warm touch of Blake’s hand on my cheek brings me out of my internal freakout.
“I have a son?” I ask, amazed. “What if he hates me?” I voice my concerns out loud because this isn’t about me anymore.
“Yes, you have a son.” Blake nods. “And he won’t hate you. I’ve done my best, but he’s excited to meet you… properly, I mean.”
“What did you tell him?” It hasn’t gone unnoticed that her hands are still on my face, that she’s so close I can smell the whiskey on her breath, but I just don’t care. I don’t want her to stop touching me. I don’t want her to take the warmth away. I need her like I need oxygen right now.
“That you were overseas for work.” She blushes, eyes darting away.
“I guess that lie won’t last for much longer, huh?” I chuckle.
“No,” she agrees quietly before noticing she’s still close to me. She drops her hands and draws back.
I have to stop the urge to reach for her and haul her back into my arms, just to give me the comfort I’m so desperately craving. I might have to visit Caleb and Lauren again.
“This is all so fucked,” I mutter, running a hand through my hair.
Blake laughs. “You can say that again.” Her face becomes serious as she adds, “I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder to tell you. I should have. For him and for you.”
“I don’t blame you, firefly. You were in a shitty situation at the time and did the best you could.
From what I saw of him, he’s a healthy, well-looked-after kid.
I can’t ask for more than that. Am I upset I missed out on his life?
That I never got to hear his first words?
Or see him walk for the first time or be at his first day at kindergarten?
Of course. But I understand. I get it, Blake, and I’m not mad.
I mean, I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling right now, but I’m definitely not mad. ”
She visibly relaxes, the tension leaving her body on an exhale of air, and I know I’ve said the right thing, absolved her of the guilt she’s been carrying around.
“Where is he tonight?”
“He’s with Mrs. Mitchell.” I raise an eyebrow, and she rushes to add, “Our next-door neighbor. She’s been helping me with Oscar while I work.”
“A conversation for another day, but I’d like to help with childcare.”
“I don’t need your money, Theo,” she says defensively, crossing her arms over her chest.
“What was it you once said to me, firefly?” I tease, placing a finger to my lips.
“Ah, yes, ‘tough, you’ve got it.’ But alas, that’s not what I meant.
I’ll be paying child support, and you’ll get a backdated payment for the last nine years of his life, but I want to look after him.
Be a childcare option.” I shrug and shove my hands in my pockets, suddenly self-conscious that she’ll tell me no.
Blake blinks twice, staring at me in disbelief before saying, “I want you to be a childcare option, too, but… once Oscar gets to know you more.”
“Deal.”
“So, I’m going to assume we’re not going to Habitat now?” She chuckles awkwardly.
“I think after everything we’ve just been through, we both need a bit of space to let it sink in.”
She nods, biting her bottom lip again before a worried expression crosses her face. “Theo?”
“Yeah?”
“You're not going to take him from me, are you? I know we don’t have the best relationship, and trust has been broken between us, but that’s my baby. My lifeline. Please don’t try and take him from me,” she whispers, tears filling her eyes.
I reach for her and tug her close. She wraps her arms around my waist, and I can feel the large inhale she takes.
“Oh, firefly.” I sigh, putting my head on top of hers and squeezing tighter.
“No, I’m not going to take him from you, I promise.
Yes, he’s my son, but you’re his mother.
Sometimes I think that’s more important than the role I play.
” I chuckle, then tilt her chin to face me.
“I’d like for us to co-parent, that’s all.
I’ll take my cues from you. All I ask in return is that you keep me in the loop with any changes or if you need something.
” I look pointedly at her. “Either of you.”
“Okay,” she breathes out, nuzzling into my hand. I don’t think she even realizes she’s doing it, but I don’t stop her. In fact, I enjoy it more than I should allow myself to. “I'd better get going.”
I nod as I reach for my phone to call a cab. Blake grabs her discarded jacket and bag from the entrance before I walk her to the elevator.
“We’ll figure this all out,” I tell her with as much conviction as I can manage.
She gives me a small smile, one that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. I stand there, gaze locked to hers, hands in my pockets, leaning against the frame until the doors close. Once she’s out of sight, the dust begins to settle, and I feel out of my depth.
“Fuck!”