Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
THEO
Erm, hypothetically speaking, what does one do if they just found out they have a kid they didn’t know about?
Noah
The fact you’re asking this question, Theo, makes me very concerned about how you passed the bar.
Ha, ha. I said hypothetically, didn’t I?
Caleb
Well, hypothetically speaking, the parent would ask for visitation rights. And pay child support if they want to get to know the kid, of course.
James
I’m with Noah on this one, tips. Shouldn’t you know this?
Maybe I do know, but I wanted to ask you guys. Maybe there’s something other than the usual response? Maybe this person now has to parent and doesn’t know how the fuck to…
James
Theo??
Yeah?
James
Breathe
Hmmm, that would probably be a good idea.
Caleb
I’m still not sure what’s happening here. Are you trying to tell us there’s a kid of yours walking around you didn’t know about?
Noah
Now that seems more of a plausible reason as to why he’s asking. Why didn’t you just say that, fuckface?
I don’t like you, grumpy asshole.
Noah
Tell me something I don’t know *eye roll emoji*
I have a kid I didn’t know about.
Iquickly close down my messages when my anxieties kick into overdrive. My phone keeps vibrating in my pocket, but I ignore it. I need to take a shower and figure out what the fuck I’m going to do because this sure as shit wasn’t on my bingo card for this year.
How the fuck do I even parent a child anyway? They don’t come with instruction manuals. Jesus, would he be better off without me? Surely I’d only fuck him up more with my neediness? He’ll end up hating me, and then it’ll be another reason not to feel good enough about myself.
Striding down the hallway to my room, I strip out of my clothes and then turn the shower on, not even waiting for it to warm up before I step under the cold spray.
I squeal when the icy pellets hit my skin, but I need it.
I need the reminder that I'm alive, that I’m at one of the hardest points in my life, and I’ll get through it just like I’ve gotten through everything else… sort of.
I lose track of how long I stand there, gazing at the tiled wall like it has all of the answers to life’s questions.
Eventually, I shut off the water, grab a towel from the rack, and dry off.
Heading into my room, I put on a pair of gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt.
It’s late at night, so it’s not like I’m going anywhere.
I have work tomorrow and still have tons to do on this case.
The elevator dinging has my ears perking up. There’s only three people who have access to my apartment. I groan loudly, knowing what’s about to happen.
“Three… two… one…” I mutter.
“You better have a good reason for dropping a bombshell like that on us and then fucking off, dickwad!” James’s voice echoes throughout my apartment.
If I didn’t know him so well, I’d think he was messing around.
Unfortunately for me, I know him too well, which means I can hear the underlying anger in his words.
Great.
“Please tell me you’re on your own,” I whine as he walks around the corner, beers in hand.
“The fuck I am,” he snaps, storming past me and into the kitchen. “They’re on their way. Caleb’s picking Noah up on his way through.”
The elevator dings for the second time, and I groan, throwing my hands in the air. “Party time at Theo’s tonight, then?”
“I’ll give you party time if you don’t tell us what the fuck is going on,” Caleb says, sauntering into the room like he’s not about to kill me with his death eyes.
“Not feeling the love right now, guys,” I mumble before snatching James’s beer out of his hand and stalk to the living room.
I throw myself down on the corner sofa; it’s one of those oversized cuddle chairs. I usually like it when Caleb comes and sits down next to me, but tonight I’m overstimulated and need them to leave me the fuck alone.
“How’s Raven?” I ask James, trying to distract myself. It’s easier to dive into someone else’s problems than face my own.
He looks tired, the bags under his eyes a big giveaway, as he sits down in the chair opposite me.
He looks like he’s aged a decade, but I don’t have it in me to rib him about it.
James lounges back, his jeans pulling tight around his thighs, and his T-shirt grips his biceps like they never want to let go.
My best friend is one hell of a good-looking dude.
He reminds me of McSteamy, though I was more of a McDreamy kinda guy myself.
He shoves a hand through his hair and sighs. Caleb and Noah bang around in the kitchen doing god knows what, so we have some time to talk uninterrupted.
“She’s doing okay. I just fucking miss her, man. I haven’t seen her in two weeks, and it’s killing me.”
“When are you gonna tell Drew?”
“Now’s not the time. They’re both going through some shit. He doesn’t need this added to it. The bruising is finally settling, and she’s got color back in her cheeks, but I can tell she’s haunted by it all.”
I nod, completely understanding. “She went through a horrific ordeal, man. She’s gonna be haunted, but she’ll get there eventually.”
“I know. I just wish I could hold her. I’ve already had to stop myself from driving over there several times.”
“Why don’t you let me take Drew watch this weekend? Go spend some time with your girl. I’ll keep him busy.”
“Don’t you have enough of your own shit going on?” he asks, eyebrow raised.
I shrug. “Be a good distraction.”
Caleb and Noah walk in, snacks in one hand and beer in the other. Caleb gives me another death glare, which doesn’t fill me with the warm fuzzies, and Noah looks as grumpy as usual. His dark hair flops in front of his face, and he pushes it back, his brown eyes troubled.
“By my estimation, you have about thirty seconds to come clean before either Caleb or James beats it out of you,” Noah declares, sitting next to James.
“I would have thought you’d be the one beating it out of me. You know, seeing as you don’t particularly like me,” I snark, attitude clear in my tone. Yeah, I’m being a dick, but I can't stop it. I’m hurting, so I’m lashing out.
Noah looks shocked, but before he can say anything, Caleb—who’s great at sensing my mood—sits on the floor by Noah’s feet, distracting him.
Caleb’s gaze hasn’t left mine, and I’m starting to feel uncomfortable with the attention.
I mean, I know I’m an attention whore, but not like this.
Not when I have to share shit I don’t want to share.
“I really fucking hate you guys, you know that, right?” I grumble, taking a swig of my beer.
“No, you don’t,” James says in that deep voice of his. “You love us just like we love you, so out with it, asshole.”
Daddy James, ever the one with words.
“You remember Blake?” James and Caleb nod, but Noah looks at me like I have two heads.
I sigh, rolling my eyes that I have to recant it to him.
“Blake was someone I dated back when I was a junior lawyer. I was twenty-six, and she was eighteen.” Blank faces stare at me, listening.
“We got close and spent a few months together. I found her one night with another guy, and I walked away, never to see her again.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you pummel his ass?” Noah exclaims.
I roll my eyes again. “Because, dickwad, I was so overcome with emotion I couldn’t think straight.
I ran the fuck out of there like a damn coward while an ex-boyfriend was actually raping her.
” I’m shouting by the end of it, angry with Noah and enraged at the guy, but most of all, I’m pissed at myself.
All three of them sit there with horrified expressions on their faces, the worst being James. He hated her as much as I did, so I know this will come as a shock to him.
“She… was… raped?” James manages to choke out.
He and Blake had met a couple of times while I was with her, but his main involvement was the night I’d tried to kill myself.
I never told him how it came about, and he never asked, allowing me to keep my privacy.
He just quietly gave me Mike's number and let me deal with it in my own way. Aside from hovering over me, that is.
“Yup.” I pop the P. My head is aching from the evening, and I’m desperate to climb into bed and forget it all happened. But I can’t because I’m a fucking dad. I need to step the fuck up now more than ever and get my shit together.
“Fuck,” James says while Caleb nods his agreement.
“So how does this all fit into you having a kid?” Noah asks.
I swipe a hand down my face before answering. “Blake got pregnant—”
“Is it yours?” he blurts.
Anger flows through my body as his attitude begins to really piss me off. I stand up, pointing a finger at him. “I swear to fucking Christ, Noah, I will beat you where you fucking sit if you say shit to me like that again.”
“Theo,” James says gently. “He’s just asking a question. Calm down.”
Knowing he’s right, I take a moment before blowing out a breath and nodding.
Throwing myself back down in my chair, I say, “Sorry, it's been one hell of a day. But yeah, the kid’s mine. I met him. Looks exactly like me. He’s even obsessed with Transformers like me.
He didn’t get my love of Bumblebee though…
he’s a fucking Optimus Prime lover… can you imagine?
” I’m rambling; I know it, and they know it, but I can’t stop.
I’m going to start giggling hysterically in a minute, I can feel it.
“How old is he?” Caleb asks
“Ten next month,” I reply, trying to calm myself the fuck down.
“What are you gonna do?”
“I want a relationship with my kid. Blake’s done a good job of raising him, but…”
“But…?” Caleb says, waving his hand around, clearly wanting me to get to the point.
“What if I’m not good enough for him?” I whisper.
“What if he hates me? What if I fuck him up like I was fucked up?” Anxiety courses through me, and my breathing starts to become erratic.
I jump out of my chair, exclaiming, “Oh fuck, I’m a dad, and I’m going to fuck it all up.
” I’m panting while simultaneously wringing my hands at my side.
James automatically leaps out of his seat and rushes toward me. Taking my face in his hands, he forces me to look at him. “Listen to me, Theo.”
I can’t. I’m too restless. Too anxious. Too fucking everything to listen to what he has to say, because what if he tells me he agrees with me? That I’m a waste of space and my son will eventually come to hate me? I can’t hear him say those words.
He grabs my face harder, pinching my cheeks together so my lips are pursed. He leans in close, and for a second, I wonder if he’s going to kiss me to shut me up… why am I kinda into that idea? Anyway… he doesn’t kiss me, but his words do stop me.
“You aren’t going to fuck him up, dickhead.
And you know why?” I can’t do anything other than shake my head.
“Because you are the most annoyingly amazing person I have ever met. You are going to break the cycle of abuse and become a better person and father because of it. And any time you think you’re going to fail, we’re going to be here, picking you up and reminding you that you aren’t your parents. ”
Ah, fuck… I’m gonna cry. Yup. Here it comes—the tears. I thought I was done with this shit.
Caleb wraps his arms around me in a bear hug while James still has my face in his hands. “You’re gonna smash this, bro. We’ve got you,” he says happily, emotion clogging his words. “Holy shit. I’m an uncle,” he adds, gripping me tighter.
My heart swells. We’re pretty fucking sappy for a bunch of dudes, but after everything we’ve all faced and suffered, we deserve this. We deserve a loving family, even if it wasn’t the one we were born into.
Noah, who’s sitting quietly as usual, finally stands up and walks over.
I glance at him out of my peripheral and see his eyes shining with tears.
That sends me over the edge, and a sob breaks free.
The guilt for how I spoke to him earlier gnaws at me.
James lets go, and Noah pushes his way through, enveloping me in a man hug.
“I’m so fucking proud of you, man,” he whispers in a voice low enough for only me to hear.
“Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t good enough, because you are.
You’re our family. We’d die for you just like you would for us.
This shit about me hating you has to stop though.
I love you. You’re all priceless.” He squeezes me tighter before adding, “But if you ever tell them that, I’m gonna have to kill you. ”
I bark out a laugh through the tears as I grip his shirt tightly, knowing this is just the beginning for all of us. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Blake, but what I do know is that with these guys by my side, I can conquer just about any-fucking-thing.