9. Lilah
9
LILAH
When I left Asher, I thought I was making the right choice. When I ignored his calls and texts, trashed his flowers and gifts, burned his apologies, and ignored his every attempt to see me, I told myself it was for the best. When Josie stepped in, turning him away at my door repeatedly, I thought she was saving me from more heartbreak.
But after more than a month apart, it doesn’t feel right. I feel worse. Far worse. And I don’t see a light at the end of this.
“Heartbreak is hell, isn’t it?” Josie asks, sipping her wine.
I’m neglecting another dinner she generously prepared for us. She’s been my rock through this. There hasn’t been a day where she hasn’t dropped off a tray of chocolate chip cookies or brownies or a casserole. Anything to make sure I ate. And when I didn’t she’d regale me with even more crazy stories about her “glory days” as a traveling burlesque dancer in Europe. I thought I’d heard them all after the months I’ve lived here but I was wrong. It’s still hard to believe half the stories she tells, but she has the pictures to back up most of them.
She’s the main reason I started my bucket list. If I could live a quarter of the life Josie’s lived, I’d die happy.
I glance at her. My eyes have never felt so raw and dry before. I think I’ve used up every single tear inside of me. There’s nothing left. I swallow, unable to bring myself to answer her but then I nod.
She sighs, setting her glass down in front of her. “Have I told you about Giorgio?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so.”
“It’s not a story I tell often.” She sinks back into her chair, closing her eyes for a brief moment. “Bittersweet.”
“You don’t have to,” I offer, poking at the pasta on my plate.
She smiles at me. “I think I do.” She pauses for a few moments, as though mulling things over before downing the rest of her wine. She sets the glass on the table, refilling it again a few moments later.
“It was a whirlwind romance,” she says, pulling her shawl tighter. “The one who got away.”
I swallow hard as she launches into another story that sounds more like a fairy tale than real life.
Many decades ago when she was my age, she’d climbed onto a random man’s Vespa in the heart of Venice after fleeing from a jilted lover. She’d swiped a thousand or so lire from him and was partly dressed when she hopped on and urged the man to go. He said something in broken English and then spirited her away on an adventure that played out like a movie with a man who looked the part of dreamy Italian hunk.
Jaunts in the countryside, nights spent dancing under the stars, lazy mornings in bed after spending the night entwined with each other. Soaking up the sun on pristine beaches. More gelato and cannoli than any two people should consume. The breadth of their romance left me reeling. How lucky could a woman be, I thought, until she concluded the story after what felt like hours.
“He gave me our final kiss as the train departed. He hung out on the steps, gripping the rail as I ran with the train for as long as I could. He dipped in and out of sight as he sprinted down the aisle to the end of the train.” She pauses for a moment, her fingers playing with her shawl. “Our eyes met for the last time as I came to a stop at the edge of the platform. I kissed my fingers and brushed the air in front of me. He did the same. And that was that.”
I can’t even think of a response as warm tears roll down my cheeks. Apparently, I still have some lefty. I blink, looking down at my plate. It’s mostly empty, a half-eaten wedge of bread and smears of red-orange sauce is all that remains. I can’t remember the last time I ate more than a couple of bites of anything. And I don’t remember eating while I listened to Josie’s story.
“What happened?” I ask, throat craggy.
“What do you mean?” Josie asks, taking a final swig of her wine before sliding her glass away.
“What happened between you two?”
Josie pushes away from the table with a sigh. “A whirlwind romance like that wasn’t meant to last,” she says finally. “The brighter you burn, the quicker you die, and our love burned brighter than any other.”
I want to cry. Throughout the story, I’d been comparing what she found to what was happening between me and Asher. Why is she telling me this?”
“At least,” she says, “That’s what I thought at the time.” She sighs, moving around the table and collecting our plates. “I’ve lived a long time since then. I’ve been with plenty of other men too, but never have I found what I had in that single month no matter how hard I searched.”
She sets her hand on my shoulder.
“Heartbreak is hell, Lilah, but I’d trade my regrets for it any day. I’ve found that life doesn’t give second chances often.” She brings the plates to the sink and turns on the water, shutting it off a few seconds later. “Don’t make the same mistake.”
When I wake up the next day after another night of failing miserably to sleep, Josie’s warning still rings in my ears. I blink and I see that look on her face. Her eyes staring at me. Pained. I feel their pain. I’m living it right now, and if I don’t do something about it’s guaranteed never to leave me.
I know what Asher did was wrong, but his intentions were good. He wasn’t trying to buy my love—he was trying to show me his by doing what came naturally to him. Solving problems with money and cold logic. But he had no idea he already found the solution. Caring for me. Making me feel so damn loved and desired and happy that I could burst. The only thing I’ve ever wanted from him was his heart. Him. The way I feel when I’m around him. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before, and this last month is enough for me to realize that I can’t go on without him in my life.
And I’m no saint in all of this. I stole from him first, and I’m lucky that he looked past it, even though he never received the watch. That doesn’t sit well with me, and I’m going to make a stop at the Ridgway Hotel before seeing Asher.
After finally getting properly dressed for the first time in weeks, I leave my apartment and knock on Josie’s door. I hardly knock once before she opens the door, her favorite shawl draped over her shoulders, a knowing look on her face.
She draws me into a hug before I have the chance to say anything.
“Thanks,” I whisper against her, the scent of fresh-baked bread lingering in the air.
“Go get him,” she says, patting me on my back.
“I will,” I say.
Although I’m not sure how. I’ve ignored him for so long that I’m not sure he wants anything to do with me. As I head for the elevator, Josie stops me.
“I forgot about this,” she says, handing me the access card to Asher’s elevator. “I almost threw it away when he gave it to me, but that wasn’t a choice for me to make. I’m not sure what it is but he said you would.”
I grab it, smiling. “I do. And thanks. For everything. It’s meant more than you know having you with me through this.”
She readjusts her shawl. “I’ll have a fresh batch of cookies for you if things go sideways. Although if he’s the man I think he is, I’m not sure I’ll see you for a while.”
She winks at me and I laugh.
I hope she’s right.
Nerves swell in my chest and stomach as I swipe the card and press the button for Asher’s penthouse. I’m not sure what I’m going to say. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Is he going to be happy to see me? I don’t know. I’ve been second-guessing myself. But when the doors open and I can smell the scent of his cologne in the air, everything feels right.
“Asher,” I call out tentatively as my footfalls echo in the open room.
There’s no response, and as I look around, everything is exactly as I left it weeks ago. Even his clothes are in the same place on the floor.
“Asher,” I call out again but again, there’s no response.
My chest is tight as I head to his bedroom. The bed’s unmade, but he’s not there. There’s a hint of perfume. Floral. The same kind I wear. But my heart sinks when I find women’s clothes hanging in his closet. I don’t want to believe it. There’s no way he’s moved on. It doesn’t make sense.
I shake off the feeling, knowing there has to be another explanation. Swiping my card in the elevator, I push the button for his floor. He must be in his office already.
But when I push open the door, the office is empty. My legs feel like lead as I walk toward Asher’s desk. I sink into his chair, the scent of him strong on the leather cushion. I breathe him in, hoping with every ounce of my being that he walks through that door. Maybe he’s out grabbing coffee. Meeting a client. Something.
I lay my head down on the desk. It’s enough to move his mouse and wake his computer up from sleep. I look at his screen, unlocked and open to a single document titled: My Bucket List
I scan the list, reading it multiple times, my heart thumping harder each time. The women’s clothes in his apartment are meant for me. Asher is meant for me—it’s all here.
1. Become a better man for Delilah.
2. Prove my love for Delilah.
3. Marry Delilah.
4. Start a family with Delilah.
5. Cherish every day I have with Delilah.
6. Never give up on Delilah.
The list goes on and on, but the message leads to the same conclusion I’ve come to: I’ve been a fool for doubting how deep his love for me is. I just hope I’m not too late.
I look up and see a figure standing in the doorway. My heart leaps into my throat but when it steps into the light, I swallow.
“He’s not here,” Adrian says.
My shoulders, along with my head, drop as I fall against the chair.
“He’s at the Ridgway,” he says. “Waiting for you,” he adds a few moments later. “And I have to warn you, he’s a mess. ”
“I…” I don’t know what to say. As much pain as Asher caused me, I’ve inflicted just as much if not more to him.
“But don’t worry,” Adrian says. “He’ll recover the moment he sees you.”
I glance at Adrian. “What?”
“I’ve never seen him like this. And I’ve known him a long time. He loves you more than anything in his life. More than this company.”
“Did he make you tell me that?”
He snorts. “That man can’t make me do anything. I’m as stubborn as he is.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I gave him an ultimatum. Get out of town and get his head right or the board would remove him from the company. He didn’t flinch when he kissed the company goodbye. All he wants is you.”
The lump in my throat makes it painful to swallow. I sit for a few moments, taking Adrian's words in, and then, as though something else takes over me, I jump out of the chair and damn near knock Adrian over as I sprint to the elevator, wasting no more time.
I’m going to get my man.
I stride into the lobby of the Ridgeway Hotel feeling like a completely different person from the one who stumbled into this extravagant lobby months ago. Eyes aren’t on me. They never were. It was all in my head. But now there’s only one thing on my mind, and as I glance around the lobby, I see it.
I see Asher.
My heart sinks. Adrian wasn’t wrong. He’s a mess. But I hope that’s not the only thing he’s not wrong about. I hope I can piece Asher back together.
I walk slowly over to him, but then stop as I pass by the stool that started this whole thing. I smile, remembering that fateful day. That night. Whew. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forget it. And I hope I can have even more memorable nights and days with Asher.
I walk to the stool and slide onto it.
“What can I get you?” The bartender asks. She’s not the same one from that first night, but she’s just as gorgeous. My previous statement stands. I’m sure that this hotel hires models.
“Surprise me,” I say, and she retreats a few moments later.
If this plays out the way I hope, it won’t matter what I order. I glance surreptitiously to my right and immediately, butterflies flutter in my chest and stomach. Asher’s staring at me. He’s talking to the bartender.
I turn my head, cheeks red-hot. Everything is red-hot. It’s good to know that Asher’s effect on me is just as strong. I pull out Asher’s bucket list from my pocket, trying to focus on something other than his intense gaze on me. It feels more piercing than usual, and I like it.
I take out my pen, crossing off a few entries on his list. Before I have time to add one, the bartender returns, sliding a glass in front of me.
I grab the glass, eyeing it as I turn it in my hand. Cold and clear. And when I bring it to my lips, I smile.
“Surprised?” the woman asks.
“Not at all.”
“Then I guess I should be less predictable,” Asher rasps from behind me.
Goosebumps flare across my skin, sizzling as he places his hand on the nape of my neck. It takes me a few moments to catch my breath.
“There’s nothing about you I want to change,” I breathe.
Asher slides onto the stool next to me, his scent just as intoxicating. His hand is still on my skin, and it feels so good. I missed his touch. I missed his commanding presence. I missed him. And I can’t believe I wallowed for so long.
“Are you sure about that?” he asks, toying with a tendril of my hair.
“As sure as anyone could be.”
His hand slides from my neck, down my arm, until he collects my hand in his. “I’ve missed you, Lilah. Your scent. Your smile. Your laugh.”
I chance a look at him and I see pain in his eyes. The lightness in them obliterated.
“I fucked up. I knew it long before you left. But I couldn’t help myself. I thought the only way you’d stay was if I gave you everything you wanted. So that’s what I did. I used your list, checking off all the boxes thinking if I checked off enough, you’d fall in love with me. It was wrong. And…” he swallows hard. “I’m sorry, Lilah. I’m sorry for invading your privacy. I’m sorry for keeping that list for myself. Using it. For making you feel like you were nothing but a game for me to figure out. I… I’m sorry.” He sighs, stroking my hand as he stares at it. “I’ve never been good at apologies.”
I swallow. “I think you’ve done well.”
His fingers stop moving and he stares at me. God, I want to kiss his lips again. I want to taste him. Feel him against me. I want him.
“I know it’s not enough. I’ll do whatever it takes. Whatever you need. I don’t care how long it takes, but I want to prove to you that none of this was a game to me. Everything we did. Everything I said. Everything… I truly love you.”
I smile, tears filling my eyes. “I know,” I say, sniffling. “But I need to apologize too. I’m sorry for doubting you. And I’m sorry for stealing your watch,” I add with a short laugh. “I swear I gave it back.”
“You did,” he says. “I found it today.”
My eyes flare as I look at him. “Apparently, the man at the front desk swiped it. The dude had the gall to wear it too. I spotted it earlier this afternoon when I needed my room re-keyed.”
“Seriously?”
He nods. “Everett was making his rounds too. That guy’s not going to be able to find a job in this city.”
I sigh, a weight lifting off my chest. I know Asher believed me, but I’m glad that it was finally proven.
“But I still stole it,” I add after a few moments.
“I don’t mind, my pretty little thief. It’s not the only thing you’ve stolen from me.”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve stolen my heart. You’ve stolen my soul. But the truth is, they were yours the moment you walked into my life. I knew it instantly. Instinctively. Preternaturally. Truth is they never belonged to me. I’ve only been keeping them for you.”
I smile, more tears rolling down my cheeks. I can’t believe I almost let this man go. I can’t…
“And mine belong to you,” I say, my voice craggy and harsh. I slide his bucket list toward him and take a few moments to gather my thoughts. “I looked at it, so consider us even.”
He takes the list, glancing at it before staring back at me. “Is this real?”
I nod, more tears streaming down my face. “It’s real. I found out a few days ago.”
He touches my belly and I hold his hand against me.
“I love you, Asher. And I want to spend the rest of my life checking off our bucket list, one by one.”
Asher kisses me. It’s soft and slow at first, but then he threads his fingers through my hair and he kisses me like a madman. Like he’s starving and I’m the only thing that could satisfy his hunger. Like he’d die if our lips ever broke apart.
And I love it.
I love us.
And I can’t wait for us to start our journey together.