35. Ava
AVA
M y grandmother’s funeral comes on a bleak and snowy Wednesday afternoon.
The flurries from overhead do nothing but remind me that life moves on as I stand and look down at the casket in front of me.
My grandmother’s in that box. The vessel that used to hold the most important person in the world now sits empty.
She’s gone. At least that’s what they tell me. It just hasn’t sunk in yet.
When I got the call at three in the morning two nights ago, it woke Levi. I think he believes I’m losing my mind because I haven’t cried yet. I can’t.
I’m just . . . numb.
The cold on the outside doesn’t bother me. The cold on the inside doesn’t bother me.
Death has a funny way of showing us what our bodies can handle mentally. Grief is something I’ve never experienced to this magnitude, and yet, I feel nothing at all.
It’s a strange sensation. Knowing everyone is waiting for me to cry my eyes out, but not being able to shed a single tear.
I’m sure most think I’m heartless.
I’ve seen the whispers from my family. The people I haven’t spoken to in years.
Cousins, aunts, uncles, and God knows who else have gathered today, but there’s one person in particular I’ve steered clear of.
Rebecca Ryan stands across from me with a new boyfriend on her arm, as unfeeling as I am. She’s glanced at me one time, though she hasn’t said a word to me since I’ve been standing here.
We may as well be complete strangers standing in line across from one another in a grocery store.
That’s fine. She’s done nothing to deserve to be here, but who am I to play judge and jury for a woman who’s dead and doesn’t care anymore?
Still . . . I hate her.
Levi either doesn’t notice her or doesn’t care. He’s been quiet, standing beside me while they read off some pieced-together eulogy of my grandmother’s life.
They always leave out the nasty bits. Like how she had to raise me because her daughter failed. How she took in all the local strays because, in her words, no one else would. The way she wasn’t like other grandmas who bake cookies and watch Jeopardy every day.
She was completely and authentically herself.
Now she’s nothing.
As I’m standing there, Levi’s arm wraps around my waist, but he doesn’t say a word. I’m grateful for him, though I know his being here goes against everything we agreed upon. He hasn’t mentioned it and neither have I, but there’s a sinking feeling in my stomach I’d prefer not to dwell on.
It’s not until halfway through the service that someone’s hand slides into mine, and I look over to see Mila standing beside me. She gives me a soft smile and a gentle squeeze, and for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel so lonely.
Beyond her, the rest of the Cross family has arrived, all silent as they listen to the pastor’s service. I didn’t even see them arrive.
Shamefully, I want to cry because I feel accepted. Not because my grandmother’s dead.
I want to cry because even Paulina showed up, dressed in her mourning clothes as she would for someone she’s known her entire life.
Christian, Bella, Mila, Paulina. . . the whole family came in support, and it sends a chill through me knowing that at least for these few moments, I’m not alone.
I lean on Mila’s support through the service, knowing that if I chose to lean on Levi, it would only cloud this thing between us even more, and I don’t need any help in that department.
He remains beside me through the entire speech. Through the harrowing moment when we toss dirt on the casket, then finally, when we make our way across the lawn to the church where the after-party of death is being held.
I don’t want to go. I don’t feel like celebrating the death of someone who deserved to live for eternity. I’m not hungry. I don’t know most of these people, and all I want to do is go home, but I know Gran deserves more than that, so I go anyway.
I feel someone’s eyes on me as I make my way through the tombstones, and suddenly, Levi’s pulling me to a stop in front of a pair of shiny shoes.
My gaze travels over him to the older man standing in front of me, who’s looking at me with a slightly disturbed look in his gaze.
Like he wasn’t expecting to see me here, even though there’s nowhere else I’d be right now.
“Ava,” he greets, holding out his hand. “Nolan. I was a friend of your grandmother’s. I wanted to offer my condolences.”
I pause, letting him shake my hand, though I feel like I’m under a stormy cloud that’s threatening to drown me at any moment.
All I can do is stare blankly at him.
“Ava’s had a long day,” Levi grits, his voice rougher than usual, as if he’s conveying some secret message to the stranger. “I’m sure she appreciates your presence.”
I don’t understand the meaning behind that statement, but I don’t care either. Right now, all I care about is getting this done and over with so I can go home and climb into bed.
The two men stare each other down, but I’m in no mood to play peacekeeper, so I release Levi’s hand and walk away without a word.
Sometimes, you just don’t feel like speaking to anyone.
It’s not until I’m in the bathroom, taking a few moments to breathe and clear my head, that the door opens and I finally come face to face with my mother for the first time in six years.
“Ava,” she greets, as cold and unfeeling as ever on the day we buried her mother.
“Mother.”
“It’s good to see you.” I can tell by the tone of her voice that it’s not.
Rebecca Ryan was never meant to be a mother. She hates children with a fiery passion, and she hated me even more because I was a reminder that my father didn’t stick around.
“I was surprised you came,” I say without thinking. Is it rude? Yes. Do I care? Not anymore.
“She’s my mother.”
“She was sick for two years. Was she not your mother, then?”
“You don’t understand the bond between a mother and daughter.”
“You’re right,” I retort. “I don’t.”
“I see you’ve found another family to mooch off of.”
“I see you haven’t.”
She glares at me. I glare back.
“Why are you here, Rebecca ? To stir up trouble?”
“I’m here because my mother died, Ava. Do I need a reason?”
“You two haven’t spoken in years, and you expect me to believe you care now ? After you told her you hoped she’d rot in hell for embarrassing you when she took me?”
“Yes, it’s always about you, isn’t it?”
“On the contrary, I think it’s always been about you , hasn’t it?”
“You don’t know what I had to put up with from you.”
“No, I guess I don’t. In between your stream of men and your neglectful parenting style, I’m guessing I must have forgotten to remember how I ruined your life when Dad left.”
“You know nothing about your father,” she hisses. “He was a spineless narcissist who knocked me up and left me with you .”
“Well, I guess it’s a good thing you no longer have to worry about me, isn’t it?”
“Of course,” she snaps, and although I’m used to the animosity in her words, I have to admit, the bitterness still stings. “Sign over my rightful property, and we’ll be done here. You’ll be free to go back to your party, and Brad and I will leave.”
I freeze. “What property?”
She looks at me like I’ve grown three heads.
“The house, of course.”
We both turn to look at the door, and Brad’s stepping inside. It’s the women’s restroom, but he doesn’t seem to give a damn.
He looks like he’s around my age. Maybe a little older. Regardless, he’s half my mother’s age and looks like the type that would buy minors beer at the local liquor store. Not to mention, he smells like he lit a pack of cigarettes and smoked them all at once.
“Your mother is Della’s next of kin, is she not?”
“No,” I snap, shooting him a look. I mean, honestly, who does he think he is? “She’s not. Gran named me her power of attorney.” I turn back to my mom, tears burning in the backs of my eyes. “The woman just died three days ago, and you’re already homing in on her house?”
“Don’t act like you’ve got the means to use it. It should go to me. I grew up there.”
“So did I,” I fire back.
Mom takes the rolled-up papers out of Brad’s hand and steps over, placing them on the counter in front of me.
“Just sign the papers, and we never have to see each other again.”
I take a step back. Both advance like vipers ready to strike.
“No.”
Brad moves closer, a sadistic glint in his eyes.
“Just do it for your mom, sweetie.”
“Get the hell away from me.”
“Sign the papers, Ava,” my mother growls, while Brad inches closer, crowding over me.
Sickness pools in my stomach, and I jump when I’m backed into a corner.
Oh, this is bad.
A shadow passes over us, and I flinch.
One moment, my mother’s boyfriend is in my face. The next, I’m staring at the broad shoulders of a man who shouldn’t bring me this much comfort, but who feels like a life raft in the middle of the sea.
Levi . . .
“Ava’s not signing anything for you,” he says, his tone laced with darkness.
Relief washes over me, even as he gets right in Brad’s face, forcing him to back up.
He falls back a few steps, glaring at him, but even I can see the fear in his beady gaze.
“Give me the contract.”
“This doesn’t concern you,” my mother snaps, her cheeks flaming red.
Levi chuckles darkly, taking another step forward. Brad falls back into the wall.
“ Everything she does concerns me. You’ve got DEA and FBI here, right now. You really want to fuck around?”
Christian stands at the doorway, blocking Brad from leaving, and he cocks his head as if daring him to try.
My mother glares at both men before she shoves the contract into Levi’s chest. I watch in awe when he takes it, holding it up in front of her face, and rips it right down the center.
He drops it at his feet in a desecrated pile, his voice dropping so low, I can barely hear him.
“Let this be a warning. Don’t come near her again.”
Both my mother and Brad freeze, neither moving. The only sound in the room is the racing of my heartbeat and the steady drip of the faucet.
It’s the most human I’ve felt in two days.
“Come on,” Levi says, finally stepping back. He holds his hand out to me, which I graciously accept. “I’m taking you home.”
The ride home is silent, filled with nothing but the steady whir of the heat going in the car.
It’s hot, but I barely feel it. Unfortunately, the cold lies somewhere much deeper.
Levi keeps glancing at me, that indifferent look I’ve come to grow used to doing nothing but grinding my nerves because he doesn’t seem to understand I don’t want him to look at me.
I don’t want anything. All I need is to sink inside myself and huddle up in bed, ignoring that the world exists.
I don’t know how to navigate this . . . this hole that’s aching in my chest.
No one ever tells you how to handle death. I don’t think anyone honestly knows. Even if it comes slowly, it’s a shock every time.
I didn’t even realize we hadn’t gone home until Levi put the car in park and I looked up to see the cabin.
I’d dozed off on the ride, my head resting on my elbow on the window.
I can’t even be angry. With any luck, he’ll leave me here and let me wallow in my own self-pity because I don’t want him to see me this way.
See the broken girl that I hide so well. The one whose mother is an awful person, and whose father couldn’t even be bothered to stick around.
I don’t want Levi to know that Ava. The one who hated her life growing up because it was never hers. The one who was so scared of anyone and everything that she would rather hide out in her room than chance facing the world outside.
I don’t want him to know the real me.
“Come on,” he says, his voice quiet and rough. He slides out of the car without another word, and he’s already at my door by the time I reach for the handle.
He holds out his hand, helping me out of the car, and I release it the moment I have my footing.
His touch burns , and for the first time, I’m realizing it’s not because I need him to fuck me.
It’s because I need him to love me.
God . . . how pathetic.
I’ve fallen in love with Levi Cross.
The only problem is that he will never love me back, and that might be the hardest pill to swallow.
Not everyone you fall for is good for you. Just like not everyone you fall for will feel the same.
Sooner or later, he’ll realize and send me on my way. Just another statistic in the long line of women who thought they’d be different, and in the end, found out they’re nothing more than a number.
Levi leads me into the cabin and immediately crosses over to the fireplace. With the overcast day outside, the cabin is dark, but I don’t mind because it matches my mood.
When he’s done, he stands back and crosses back to the door, stepping back outside without a word.
I stare at the flames crackling in the fireplace, my feet rooted in place while a few stray tears manage to break free and slip down my cheeks.
I’m alone.
Gran’s gone. I’ll never get to hear her sing along to Elvis anymore. I’ll never hand out Halloween candy and dress up with her. She’ll never get to see me get married or meet her great-grandchildren.
She won’t exist in my life after this.
“ Ava. ”
I hadn’t even realized Levi was standing behind me.
I don’t care.
I think it’s finally hit me.
I turn over my shoulder, and his stare is dark as he watches the tears cascade down my cheeks.
“Gran’s dead,” I croak, my voice barely above a whisper.
And then I break down.
Everything I’ve been ignoring the last couple days finally hits all at once, and I can’t hold back anymore.
Pain, unlike anything I’ve ever felt, blooms in my chest, and my throat closes up when a sob breaks free.
Levi is by the door one second, and the next, he’s grabbing me around the waist, hauling me up into his arms.
I don’t want to cry on him, but I can’t help it. I sob against his chest when he sinks to the couch, and cling to him like he’s a life raft that will save me from drowning.
“Shhh . . . baby,” Levi breathes against my hair, unmoving as he holds me. “I’ve got you.”
I close my eyes, finally succumbing to the anguish, the dull roar drowning out everything else.
Levi doesn’t speak, even if I could have sworn I heard him say, “I’ll always have you.”
God, I wish that were true.