8. Katy
8
Katy
“ H ow do you both do it? I have one, and I’m exhausted.” As I sit on the couch in Nicole’s living room and admire the stone floor-to-ceiling fireplace, I can’t help but be in complete awe at how well put together these two women are.
Blake is managing to hold a conversation, a glass of wine, and watch her twin five year olds, Ruby and Rory, while also keeping an eye on her almost two year old, Rose.
Nicole looks as cool as a cucumber, letting Hannah, her five year old, wrangle all the little kids while her almost three year old brother Miles plays happily on the floor with Owen.
“Blake is the pro. Ask me again in five months when we have our third wandering around.” Nicole rubs her baby belly and looks at her bump adoringly.
“I’m not a pro, trust me. The terrible twos almost broke me with the twins. I don’t know if it’s easier with Rose because there’s only one of her or because she’s honestly just a good toddler.”
Nicole laughs. “Or maybe it’s because she made you wait an extra eight days for her birth.” Nicole takes a sip from her wine glass. She’s drinking a fruity cocktail of cranberry and pineapple juice to feel included. Blake and I both have wine. I may be underage, but they know I’m responsible and always have a ride so they allow me to indulge on occasions.
“Are either of you planning more kids?” Blake almost spits her wine back into her glass and pats her chest. I pat her back to help her regain her air. “Should I take that as a no?”
“Cole wants a football team. Since Annie had her tubes tied after having the twins, that leaves me to carry all the babies. I have one more in me, but Rose was a lot on my body. We agreed to start trying again when she’s three. Until then, we just practice a lot. We’ve also talked about adopting after having one more.”
“I didn’t know Annie had her tubes tied. And that’s great about adopting.”
“Yeah, with her hip injury, we didn’t want to take any chances. The twins were enough of a miracle. None of us wanted to tempt fate another time.” Blake looks off into the distance, lost in a memory.
“I want all the babies,” Nicole says nonchalantly.
“All?”
“As many as my body allows. My hubby happens to like me being pregnant. He’s got a total breeding kink.”
“That’s probably more information than I needed to know.” I put my hands over my ears and sing “lalalalala” making us laugh.
“How about you, Katy? Thoughts on any more? You have plenty of time.” Blake asked such an innocent question, but it sparks immediate anxiety.
I was sixteen, boyfriendless, and a virgin in high school when I was raped. I was more worried about graduating and getting away from my mother than a future beyond that. I never allowed myself to think about kids because my childhood was so broken.
I wanted a relationship first. I wanted what Nicole and Justin have; a stable home and a support system. I always told myself I would worry about kids once I had that. The universe had other plans for me, and while I wouldn’t change being Owen’s mother for anything in the world, I still haven’t allowed myself to think ahead for a future.
A gentle hand covers mine, stopping me from rubbing the tops of my thighs. I hadn’t realized I was doing it. My anxiety doesn’t usually present itself on the outside.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ask a difficult question. You don’t have to answer.” Blake’s eyes are sincere. Her question shouldn’t have elicited such an extreme response from me.
“It’s okay. I just haven’t really thought about it. A baby usually requires a partner, and I’m nowhere close to dating or having a boyfriend. But…I think I’d like Owen to have a sibling. I’m an only child and sometimes wonder if things would have been better had I not been alone.”
“Trust me. Have another. When they have a playmate other than you, it’s a life changer.” Nicole rubs her stomach again and I’m wondering just how many playmates she plans to provide for her kids.
“So what’s the potential for some Viking babies in your future?”
My jaw drops at Blake’s question, and I whip my head to Nicole, who’s sipping her wine glass, pretending the curtains have all her attention.
“How…who…” I sigh.
“Axel,” we say simultaneously.
“I swear that man should have his own gossip column.” Nicole’s smirk tells me she knows more than she’s letting on.
“Nicole?”
“The call was almost immediate. I don’t think he even waited until your lips were dry from the kiss.”
“Eww. Seriously?”
Nicole shrugs, and I can’t blame her. I made an irrational, childish decision this morning, and I’m going to have to live with it.
“Are you okay, Katy?” Blake looks at me again with sympathetic eyes. “What are you thinking?”
“I stole my first kiss, and it wasn’t even good.” I’m suddenly surrounded by two women who are instantly doting on me.
“You didn’t steal anything Vik wasn’t willing to give,” Blake protests.
“That man is head over heels for you, and you probably knocked him flat on his ass,” Nicole encourages.
“It’s not…it’s not like that. I’m basically his employer. His job is keeping me from trouble, not giving me my firsts.” I empty my glass of wine because the thought of Viktor giving me any of my firsts spikes my anxiety. Blake quickly grabs the bottle of red wine from the coffee table and refills it.
“At this point, we can all see that it’s more than just a job for him. I bet that’s what my husband is lecturing him on right now.”
“What?” My head pops up to meet Nicole’s eyes. “They’re doing what? They’re out talking about me? No. No. They can’t do that. No.” I stand from the couch and pace the length of the living room.
“Katy, you’re both adults. What’s so bad about it?” I can only gawk at Blake.
“It’s not real. What he feels is guilt and a survivor bond. He only thinks he has feelings for me. He feels an emotional attachment to me because we both survived a trauma together. I don’t know if that’s the right term for it, but it makes sense in my head.”
I’ve thought about this a lot. We didn’t have much of a relationship before the night of the incident. Sure, we were friendly, and I gave him a hard time, but I was a smartass teenager, and he was an authority figure that was being paid to take my shit.
After he got out of the hospital, things changed. He was attentive and friendly to me. We hung out and became friends. I thought it was his way of protecting me the best way he could, being out of commission with his gunshot wound. But once he got the all-clear, he became cold and aloof.
Except at night. At night, we’re both vulnerable. He holds me, and I let him comfort me. And maybe it’s comfort for him as well. Two survivors of a shared traumatic experience leaning into each other for support. A survivor’s bond.
“Katy, that’s not it at all.” Nicole stands and takes my hands, encouraging me to sit with her on the couch. I finally relent and join.
“Katy, I know your story with Justin. Do you think you have a survivor bond with him? Or my story with Justin? Trauma is all around us. Especially in the field that our significant others work in. But they all have coping mechanisms. Justin goes to therapy, Annie goes to therapy, and Axel and Miller use their humor. I don’t know about Lincoln, but I imagine, at the very least, the department made him go to therapy after his injury.”
“I…no, I don’t feel that way about Justin, and I don’t think you have that with him either. It just can’t be real. Even if it was, I have nothing to offer him. I’m a young, inexperienced single mother with a GED and half a job, living in a pool house.”
“Katy, oh god.” Blake throws her arms around me. “You’re so much more than all of that. Yes, you’re a single mother, but that makes you strong and resilient. You may only have a GED, but you earned it a year early while pregnant. Your age doesn’t mean anything. You’ve lived so much of your life already.”
“I get it but—”
“MOMMY!!!” The three of us whip around to see a disheveled Rose covered in pink sparkles from head to toe.
“Rosie. What happened to you?” Blake stands and carefully approaches her glittery toddler.
“Mommy, she was in the bathroom with this.” Rory opens his hand to present us with a pink glitter bath bomb.
Nicole’s hand flies to her face. “Blake, I’m so sorry. Miles never plays in Hannah’s bathroom, so I didn’t even think to move those.” Blake is trying her best not to laugh at the hysterical sight of Rose.
“Nicole, it’s perfectly fine. Can we use your shower?”
“Of course. Use whatever you need. We’ll watch the twins. Do what you need.”
Nicole and I hold it together long enough for them to leave the room before we burst out laughing.
“Who wants a snack? Apples, cheese, and peanut butter?” Nicole heads toward the kitchen with several children cheering on her heels.
“Mommy, can we have donuts too?” Hannah asks.
“Apples, cheese, peanut butter, and one donut.” Little squeals erupt through the room, and I help Nicole get everyone set up while she makes their snack.
They’ve given me a lot to think about. I don’t know how much of it I believe, but I’ll think it all over, and maybe I need to have a conversation with Viktor about it.