Chapter 29
Circus
I’m actually doing it. Having a real-life human boyfriend move in with me. This is the whole reason for my house, exactly what I had planned, and now it’s happening I’m just waiting for everything to fall apart.
Rowan being here when I woke up, and after my morning hike, and using the shower in the afternoon before he came out smelling like my body wash and wearing soft sweatpants …
I’m tempted to snap a picture of him to post, knowing it would rack up the interactions, but something holds me back.
The damp hair, the dark ink, his tight muscles … all mine. Now I know why he stopped me from posting those Polaroids. There’s something almost possessive about my want to keep him to myself.
I mean, the world has seen him practically naked, but that was staged. For some reason this feels different.
This moment, right here, all mine.
And that’s sort of fucking terrifying.
What would Mom and Dad say if they could see me now?
They’d liked Rowan; Mom had felt bad for him. But if they had known he was the one who’d punched me, would they have been as forgiving as I was?
My conscience keeps telling me I shouldn’t have given in so easily, but I was tired of holding on to that. Besides, I wanted to forgive him. I have for years.
Obviously the first chance I got I was going to give in.
But I never for a minute thought we’d end up dating.
We hole up at my place for two days, planning Rowan’s gym. The purpose helps take his mind off his family and what they currently think of him.
I wish I could tell them all how amazing he is.
I climb onto the couch where Rowan is sitting and slide into his lap. His face is immediately taken over with a grin that makes me smile in return, and I link my hands behind his neck.
“Want to head down and look at the shop today? I can invite Leon so you can make a plan with him.”
“Leon?”
“Well, you’re going to need to convert the space to a gym, and Leon’s the best.”
“Sounds good.” He pulls me in for a kiss. “How about you blow me and we’ll go?”
Yep. This whole having a boyfriend for a roommate thing is working out nicely. I sink to my knees, finish him off, and then we’re both ready to head out.
We take his car since he actually likes to drive, and I make a mental note to buy him a bike. In weather like this, there’s nothing better than being outside and enjoying it.
Leon texts me on the way to say he’s at the diner and he’ll meet us in ten.
Perfect.
The storefront I lease is a large, bare space. That worked for me because technically all I needed were walls and space to set up easels, but if it’s going to be an actual gym, it’s going to need a lot of work done to it.
“Just over here.” I point to the corner of O’Connell Road and Juniper Lane.
“I remember.” Rowan shoots me a cocked eyebrow, and I cringe. During the Sunflora Festival he’d tried to talk to me, and I’d told him to fuck off and literally locked the doors in his face.
“I mean, I never claimed to be mature,” I say.
“No one would believe you if you did.”
I laugh and follow him from the car to the store and unlock the doors.
It’s dim and empty, and I can’t work out if the lack of furniture makes it look smaller or bigger than it is.
Rowan nods. “Change rooms could work back there.”
“A front desk here?”
“Maybe an office in this corner where I can store stuff, and that whole back wall could be mirrored.”
“There’s nothing hot and sweaty people love more than a mirror.”
“Speaking from experience?”
“We’ll give it a test drive before opening day.”
The words have barely left my mouth when a throat clears behind me. “I walked in at the wrong time.”
“Or the right one.” I turn a grin on Leon. “The whole time you’re in here building, you can picture what we’ll be getting up to when you’re done.”
“That is actually the last thing I want to be picturing. Ever. Let alone while I’m working.”
“So you’ll take the job?”
His forehead creases as he looks around the space. “Run me through what you want first.”
And he can act as reluctant as he likes, as soon as he and Rowan start making plans, I can tell he’s invested. Leon is a builder by trade, but it’s because it’s what he loves doing. Creating shit with his hands, getting dirty and sweaty.
I’ll never understand the appeal.
But it’s real work. And it gives him purpose.
I used to think what I did gave me purpose too. All the interactions, the fans, they were the ones breathing life into my existence.
The thing is though, since Rowan moved in, I’ve posted once and that was only because he suggested it.
I’m not constantly monitoring my comments and messages, and while I watch him and Leon chat through the plans, pulling out my phone and taking a picture is so far down my list of needs I’m struggling to remember what was so important about it all.
If I’m not taking and posting photos though, what am I going to do with my time?
I’ve worked hard for years, trying to build a name and brand for myself, and I do enjoy it most of the time.
But it’s also a lot of pressure to make sure I post consistently and think of different shots and themes. In the scheme of things, it’s nothing compared to what Tanner and Leon are doing, but literally the only thing that keeps me going is my passion for it.
If that’s gone, what then?
I love that Rowan is here, putting plans in place to start a business he’s passionate about. I’ll help him of course, but this is his thing, and when it comes to personal training and exercise, I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather be doing less.
But I also can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing more either.
I have no clue where I go from here.