11. Eleven
Eleven
Abi
The night air hit my skin as the wind blew by. Why I decided to sit on the porch at eight at night thinking it would be a good way to clear my head was beyond me. The same way I thought sitting with Luna would be a good idea. I couldn’t peg what was going on with me today. I just knew I couldn’t stop my thoughts. Those memories would creep up, no matter how hard I tried to force them down.
Putting on a smile was easy enough; dinner was actually kind of interesting. Kyla turned down the wine Rhett offered her, saying she was still not feeling the best from this morning, and when a giant steak was placed in front of her, she gagged and ran out of the room. I glanced at my mom, giving her the knowing smile while my brother stood to follow his wife, seemingly still oblivious. I knew Kyla was telling him tonight. She wanted to tell him before announcing it to the entire family, but seeing as my mom picked up on it too, it wouldn't be long before everyone else would.
Cash was there at dinner, taking a seat in between Lachlan and Stetson, deep in conversation about the color of the barn. Stetson was insisting it be red, and he showed Lachlan the swatch he brought home from the hardware store. Lachlan turned that down immediately, promising Stetson that the paint wouldn’t go to waste. Every now and then, even in the middle of their conversation, I would catch Cash glancing over at me, his eyes filled with questions I wished he would speak out loud. Even then, I probably wouldn’t answer them.
So, after Stetson was asleep, I made myself a cup of decaf coffee and wrapped myself in a blanket burrito. As soon as the quiet hit, everything I was pushing down during the day came creeping back up.
Sylas.
I missed my husband.
I missed the way he would jump when he was excited.
I missed the way he smelled, the way the smell still enveloped pieces of clothing.
I missed his laugh, his voice, his touch.
I stopped the tears before they began again—crying once today was enough—and lifted my mug to my lips. I sniffed, looking at the stars as I adjusted my shoulders, sinking deeper in the cushion. Why did the memory of us discovering we were pregnant come with such pain? It shouldn’t still feel this way, should it? I should be able to think about him without getting sad, without crying. I can talk about him with others with no issues, a smile half of the time. Of course, they don’t see how I am after we talk. All the tears I hide. But this…this is kind of ridiculous. It’s been five years. I should be able to remember these things without breaking down on the inside.
“It’s a bit cold out here to be stargazing, don’t you think?” the Southern drawl filled the emptiness, and as much as I hated to admit it, I was grateful I was no longer alone. But I didn’t move. I simply took another sip of my coffee.
“Ah, well,” Cash sighed. “You’re wrapped in a blanket and have coffee?” He came in front of me to lean against the railing, crossing his feet in front of him.
“It’s decaf, ” I answered, avoiding his gaze.
Cash let out a laugh. “It’s cold.” He shivered.
“Hence, blanket.” I snuggled into it more. “I am a burrito.”
“A burrito.” Cash snorted another laugh and then cleared his throat. “I saw you today,” he said softly.
I met his gaze, those dark eyes holding those same damn questions.
“With Luna,” he finished.
I nodded, pursing my lips. “I take her out from time to time. She’s old, and doesn’t get ridden much anymore, but we relax.”
Relax. That’s all he needed to know. He didn’t need to know that we took walks a few times a week together. He didn’t need to know that I went to her when I missed Sylas the most. He didn’t need to know that I cried and cried against her more times than I cared to admit. All he needed to know was that we relaxed.
“You looked relaxed. So did she.” He took a deep breath. “She’s not that old.”
“She’s pushing fifteen.”
He furrowed his brow. “No, she’s not. She was a baby when Sylas took her over.”
I inhaled. I didn’t need to hear his name again today. So, I blinked and took another pull of my coffee. “She was three, maybe four. Lachlan broke her.”
“But she doesn’t ride anymore?”
I shook my head. “Not much, no.”
“Because she doesn’t want to or because you don’t want anyone to?”
“She just doesn’t,” I answered, lifting my chin and aiming a challenging look at him. He had a single eyebrow raised, his chin tilted just right as the glow from the porch caught all his features.
I let out a small huff and avoided his gaze once again. Hoping he got the hint that I didn’t want to talk about Sylas or Luna anymore, I watched as he sat next to me, leaning his elbows on his knees. The air was still, I could practically hear the gears in his brain turning. Was he calculating what to say, which question to ask first? We both had so many things we needed to say to each other, but neither one wanted to make the first move.
A deep part of me wanted to build our friendship back up, not just be cordial like I originally agreed. Maybe knowing he was next to me to talk about anything and everything was the start. He was here, wasn’t he? He was making the effort simply sitting next to me. I was the one who was closing off.
I took a deep breath.
“What color did Lachlan land on?” I asked, breaking the silence that floated between us.
Cash’s head turned and his lips curved into a soft smile. “The burnt red. Your son won that battle.”
“I think you helped. Barns need to be red, not brown.”
“Thank you.” He sat up straight, his palms slapping his thighs. “Not sure what goes through your cousin’s head sometimes.”
I smiled. “He’s trying to turn Hartwell Hills into the same colorless void that his life is.” I joked.
Cash chuckled, reaching up to remove his hat from head. Placing it on the small table in between us, he met my gaze. “He’s doing alright, isn’t he?”
Thinking of my cousin and how far he’s come, I nodded. “He’s better. He’ll never be one hundred percent again, but…he’s ok.”
He chewed on his lips, his gaze staring out into the darkness. “He doesn’t let me in like he used to.”
“That’s Lachlan. He hides from everyone. I have high hopes. He’ll get a happy ending.”
“You think so?”
“Hey, if it wasn’t for me, Rhett and Kyla would have never gotten married, and she would still be in Washington running from her ex. If I can call Rhett’s future, I can call Lachlan’s.” I circled my shoulders, feeling my muscles relax.
“And what about Wyatt?”
“Maybe someday, but for now he’s a lost cause. He’ll be chasing those girls at rodeos until they turn him down.” I shifted, scooching my ass into the cushion even more.
“And you?” His voice was heavy as he spoke.
I met his gaze. What about me? Was that one of the questions burning behind his pupils? Out of all the questions that were running through his mind, this is the one he decided to ask? Besides, didn’t I already have my happy ending?
“I got everything I need right here,” I lied.
He pinched his brow. “Everything?”
I nodded slowly. “Everything.”
He mimicked my nod, before turning his head to look out into the night sky.
“And you?” I parroted his question.
His shoulders raised. “I could use a bit more,” he admitted.
“A bit more of what?” I asked, more out of curiosity, actually finding myself enjoying his company.
He shrugged, then with one loud groan, plopped back onto the wicker chair. “More of this.” He waved his hand in the air.
“Nighttime porch talks in the freezing cold?” I said, a hint of sarcasm in my voice.
His eyes hit mine, and they told me everything I needed to know. It wasn’t just late night talks on the porch in the cold, shivering our asses off. He missed this, probably just as much as I did. He wanted the old times back—everything we used to have.
He laughed humorlessly. “Something like that.”
I studied him then. His smile faded slowly as his body relaxed into the chair. A heavy sigh left his nose while his chin raised in the air. I had always thought Cash was handsome. His tawny skin had just the right glow to it, and he was perfectly flawless, especially now with the moonlight hitting him. He closed his eyes and swallowed, his Adam's apple moving. He looked tired, but that didn’t take away from the rugged features he carried. His chiseled jawline was lightly dusted with a five o’clock shadow that traveled down his chin, defining his features more. His chest and arms were toned from years of being on a horse, training for strength, and ranch work. Even with layers of clothing to keep out the cold, I could see it. I could remember his hugs. Solid and safe. I always felt safe in Cash’s presence.
“So,” I broke the silence, finally getting up the courage. “What happened with Carolyn?”
Cash’s head flipped, landing with a bob as his eyes rolled at me. “What? Don’t you miss her.”
I bit my lip and held back a chuckle. “Oh, hell no. She always rubbed me the wrong way, but…you loved her so…we loved her.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, turning away from me. “She didn’t love me. The moment I broke my leg and I didn’t fit that mold anymore, the moment I couldn’t…” He stopped himself and took a deep breath, his palm landing on his knee with a smack. “She left. Filed for divorce. I wasn’t what she wanted.”
“Her loss,” I scoffed, even though my mind was circling on his unfinished sentence.
“I don’t know where she is now and don’t care to find out. She got what she wanted out of the divorce and then left my life. Lachlan didn’t lie when he said we celebrated. We did.”
“I’m sorry that happened. I know you loved her.”
“I don’t think I ever really did. I just wanted to feel like I had that…you know.” He turned to me. “I would see Lachlan and Hadley, you and Sylas…I wanted…needed that, and Carolyn, she was the first one to really give it to me. Not that it was real.”
I hummed. “Well, she never deserved you.” Shifting in my seat, I lowered the blanket to my waist, feeling the brisk air through my sweater. “And you’re happy? Without her?”
“It’s been three years since the divorce was finalized. I wouldn’t say they were the best three years of my life, but they were better than when she was with me.”
“That’s…”
“Depressing?” Cash let out a small scoff, leaning forward in the chair. “Yeah, well…”
“Life goes on, doesn’t it? No matter what curve balls it throws at you.”
“Is that what you do?” His voice was low, almost a whisper, but it was loud enough to hit all the right nerves. “You just…go on?”
I pursed my lips, and stared into his eyes. That deep brown that I remembered from all those years ago, still holding onto something that he had yet to let go of. I saw the hint of something there when he first arrived, but with a blink that was gone. Now here, our eyes locked, I saw it again. I wanted to reach out for him, tell him whatever he was holding on to, he could let it go. But before I could even move, I forced myself to stop. I didn’t think I was ready for that yet.
“Kyla’s pregnant,” I blurted out, instantly regretting my words. There were other ways to change the subject, and I had to go to that?
“That’s exciting,” He responded. “I’m sure everyone is looking forward to another little Hartwell running around.”
“I’m the only one who knows. Well—now you, and my mom suspects. Kyla hasn’t told anyone yet.”
“Why don’t you sound excited about it?”
“I am. Really, I am. It just…made me remember something.”
“What?” His voice was soft as he pressed.
I swallowed. “It just reminded me of when I found out I was pregnant with Stetson.”
“God.” Cash chuckled, leaning back into the chair, the grin wide as his fingers ran through his short hair. “I remember Sylas freaking out. He was so thrilled. He told everyone, even though you ordered him to keep it a secret for a while. Everyone in that arena knew.”
“I was so mad. Superstitions and all. I didn’t want anyone to know until we had our first appointment, and he went along blabbing it to everyone.” I couldn’t help my laugh at that memory of Sylas. I had gotten so many text messages, so many phone calls, all from cowboys and cowgirls congratulating me. It seemed everyone involved in the circuit knew I was expecting—all before even my mom and dad did.
“He was excited. Can you blame him? That man was meant to be a dad.”
I took a deep, deep breath. “He was. I think…” I paused, looking down at my feet to completely avoid Cash. “We were supposed to have more kids, you know. Sylas wanted a big family.”
He was silent for a beat, but then his voice hit my ears, almost a whisper. “Do you still want more kids?”
“Sure, but…” A hesitant chuckle broke from my lungs. “That’s impossible seeing as I’m single and most likely will be forever.” I tightened my lips, another wave of regret hitting me. “What about you?” I asked, pushing the topic to him. “Didn’t Carolyn want kids?”
Cash’s brown eyes jerked towards me, his brow twitching, the expression on his face completely unreadable. The only response I got was a quick shake to his head before his chin lowered. I struck a nerve, one I didn’t even know was there.
“Sorry I—”
“It just wasn’t in the cards for Carolyn and me, but in the long run, it’s better right?”
I heaved a sigh. “Right,” I agreed. “We’re a pair, aren’t we? I feel like we have a lot to catch up on.”
Cash nodded, silence filling the space between us. After a few moments, which felt like hours, Cash inhaled sharply and pushed himself to standing. I blinked, bringing my mug to my lips. And it was cold. I scrunched my nose, but swallowed it anyway.
“We do.” He chewed on his lip. “I’m around Abs. I never left. My number is the same and I’ll answer anytime you call. All you gotta do is call.”
“Who you gonna call?” I joked in song, defusing the awkward air between us. Maybe the Ghostbusters song would pull me from the stupor.
“I’m being serious. No jokes, no sarcasm.” He reached out and lifted my chin with his thumb and forefinger until our gazes met, and his eyes were heavy on me. “I’m here.”
He placed his hat on his head before leaving me alone on the porch.
I had one question swimming through my mind. If he said he never left—his number never changed—then why did he ignore all those texts and phone calls? I shifted, reaching in my back pocket to pull out my phone. Scrolling to Cash’s name I opened a new text thread. Years later, a new phone had erased all my attempts to contact him years ago, but I still remembered the texts.
Sylas’s funeral is on the 17 th . I need you there.
Why didn’t you come? Cash…I can’t do this.
I saw the rodeo last night, I’m worried, what hospital are you in, I’ll come. I want to see you.
Cash are you ok? I don’t like the silence.
Cash….please…I need my friend.
I can’t do this alone anymore. I miss him so much. I can’t keep pretending I’m ok.
Swallowing, I typed out a new message.
Me
Same number? Mine’s the same too…See you tomorrow, Cash.
P.S. I won’t admit it out loud, but I’m enjoying you being here. Thank you for tonight.