12. Twelve
Twelve
Cash
Six Years Ago
Storming out of the Hartwells’ house was not how I expected to end my evening. I don’t think I had ever been this furious at my wife. We had some fights in the past—many, if I was being honest—but with how she just blew up in front of Abi and Sylas, screaming so loud that Stetson woke up, she even shook me to my core.
And all over nothing.
I gripped the railing and hunched my shoulders, willing the pounding in my head to slow. Closing my eyes, I forced air to swell in my lungs. Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. Over and over. In and out. They told you to breathe, right? The professionals said breathe. But then again, the professionals never had to deal with Carolyn.
“Hey, you ok?”
Abi’s calm voice filled the air, and immediately the pounding lessened. No matter what, she could always take the chaos and turn it calm. Opening my eyes into the darkness, I gave her a curt nod.
She scoffed, calling my bluff. “No you’re not.”
“How’s Stet?” I questioned, deflecting the conversation.
“Sylas went to check on him.” She pushed against the railing, crossing her ankles in front of her.
“Divided and conquered who would take care of who huh?” I quipped, sounding more irritated than I should have.
“Well, when Carolyn stormed into the bathroom and knocked a photo off the wall when she slammed the door. We both just took off where we were needed. And I was needed here. Plus, Stetson literally screamed for Dad.” She shifted her body to give me a bump, my entire frame moving slightly.
“Ah, so I was second choice,” I joked, trying to bring light to the situation.
“You are not, and you know it.” She gave my shoulder a light punch. “So…honestly this time. You ok?”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry. We’ve been fighting more than usual. I just hoped we could make it through one night.”
“Fights happen, though I’m confused as to why she was acting the way she was.”
I tried to play the night back in my head, starting with Carolyn promising me it would be a good evening. She didn’t particularly like Sylas and Abi, but when they invited us over to dinner, I begged her to come. Being with this family made me feel like myself. Smiles came easily here. We got there early, I gave Abi a hug, Sylas got a pat on the back, and I scooped Stetson up in my arms. When Abi disappeared to put Stetson down, Carolyn loosened up slightly, even cracking a few smiles when Sylas told a joke. Once Abi came back, Carolyn made sure to be at my side the entire time, her hand slinking up my shirt, her long nails scratching into my skin.
I wasn’t one to mind a little PDA, but when it turned into something more and Carolyn whispering that we sneak off, that was a little too much for me. When I asked her to stop, her switch flipped.
“ Of course you would prefer to stay here. Of course I don’t come first for you.”
Her screams were so loud, so over the top, that I couldn’t help but defend myself.
“ You know you come first. ”
“ You’re different here. You’re not the Cash I married.
“You’re the one acting different. You’re the one touching me as if we were alone, suggesting we go up to their room. Come on Carolyn, have some respect.”
“ You have some respect. Maybe show your wife you actually love her instead of—”
“Come on Carolyn, let’s just have a good time—stop doing this.”
I knew why Carolyn was acting the way she was. She was claiming dominance, making sure Abi knew I was hers. Even though that was the farthest thing Carolyn had to worry about, she still made it a big deal. My relationship with Abi was deeper than any of my other female friendships I had, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t loyal to my wife.
“She really hates me that much doesn’t she?” Abi asked.
I didn’t answer.
“It’s fine.” She sighed, shifting to face the empty field in front of us. Her shoulder grazed mine, her warmth seeping over me. “But I will be that friend and say I do not like the way she treats you.”
“She was just—”
“I know what she was doing. You deserve better than that.”
“Abi—”
“I know, I know. She’s your wife and you love her. I admire that you’re trying to defend her even after all of that.” She waved a hand behind her shoulder. “I’m sorry that happened, Cash.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, pulling her into my side. I still loved the way she fit there, and the way her head naturally landed on my shoulder. “I just don’t expect another invitation anytime soon.”
“You damn well know you are welcome over anytime. No matter what.”
No matter what .
This woman didn’t know how much she meant to me. How much she made me feel like I was whole from simply being my friend. What started as me accidentally hitting on her turned into one of the best friendships I’d ever had.
I sighed. “Thank you for coming to make sure I was ok.” I dropped my arm from her shoulders. “It won’t happen again.”
The front door slammed open wide, hitting the side of the house with force, making both of us jump. Carolyn stormed past us, only stopping once she made it to the grass. She turned, her platinum blonde hair flipping over her shoulders. A deep hatred that pinged across her face was aimed directly at Abi. She chewed on her bottom lip before turning to me.
“I’m going home,” she announced. “You can either come with me or stay here, but I’m leaving.” She huffed before turning and bolting to my truck.
“I better go. I need to fix this.” I watched my wife leave, taking that step to follow her. “Say goodbye to Sylas for me, okay? Tell him I’ll text him later.”
“Sure.” Abi took a step back, her hand reaching out for the door, which was still wide open. “See you soon.”
I gave her a nod and a quick wave, not realizing that would be the last time I would have Abi in my arms.
Present Day
Two weeks came and went in a blink of an eye. Between helping Lachlan paint the barn and getting Quinn to and from appointments and back on her horse, I felt like I missed more than not. Abi and I had shared passing smiles, but no real time to sit and be with each other again, and if I was being one hundred percent transparent with myself, I wanted nothing more. Each night, I came to the stables to hopefully get some time with her, but I was either catching her just as she was done for the night or ended up spending more time with Lachlan.
I thought Abi and I were back on track after the night on the porch. But I had the inkling things were just beginning to circle each other. It wasn’t as if she wasn’t talking to me—she would say hello and carry on small talk, but nothing like the conversation we had the other night. For a moment there, before nerves got the best of me and I stupidly ended the conversation, I could have sworn there was something there. She bore into me that night, almost like she was digging deep, trying to bring up everything. There were things she wanted to say, things I needed to say, and all I could do was tell her she could call me. It was steps—baby steps—back to the way we used to be. Friends.
And yet—I could almost feel more.
I shouldn’t be feeling more…should I?
“You’re lookin’ better Quinn,” I shouted as she passed me on Charming, finally getting into a full gallop but still too nervous to ride Hook.
After a few acupuncture appointments and physical therapy, she still needed the mounting block, but she was more relaxed to run. Next, I’d add the barrels and start the timer—until then I just needed her to get comfortable on her horse again.
Spring had taken over Hartwell Hills, the snow finally gone. The horses that had found a temporary home here were now enjoying the outside with the warmer air. I even caught Nova trotting with Luna one day, inspiring another doodle in my new sketchbook. But Quinn was using Charming again and again. The horse needed a break. Hook spent most of his time outside, relishing in the pasture while Charming worked harder than before. He was a good horse, but she needed to get on the horse that she fell off.
Cranking my neck to look behind me, I watched Abi open the last few stables to lead the horses into the fields. She held onto Hook’s lead, as well as the horse that had moved in last week, giving both of them a kiss on the cheek. Making sure Quinn was in her element, I jogged back into the stable, catching Abi right before she made it outside.
“I’ll take Hook,” I said once I approached her, reaching for the lead.
Abi wasted no time in handing it over to me, her hand still firm on the leather strap. I took it from her, noticing our fingers brush against each other ever so slightly.
“You sure? He loves the pasture. I have a hard time getting him back in the stable at night.” Abi laughed, using her now free hand to pet his neck.
“Quinn needs to get her ass on this horse. Would you be able to come get Charming once she’s on Hook?”
Abi looked behind my shoulder at the arena. “Sure, but…do you think Quinn wants to get on him? How long did it take her to gallop on Charming?”
“Too long. I gotta get her back on the horse she fell off of.” I motioned towards her, pulling Hook’s lead for him to follow.
Abi raised a brow. “Okay…I’ll be back for Charming.”
I gave her a wink before leading the black horse towards the arena. He protested slightly, pulling the reins towards the gate, but gave in with a grunt.
“Quinn,” I shouted, opening the arena gates. She turned to look at me. “Dismount.”
Quinn slowed, taking Charming over to the mounting block, walking him over the moment her feet hit the ground. Her face faltered as she got closer and closer to me. She knew exactly what I was doing.
“Are you afraid of Hook?” I asked, pointing to the black horse next to me.
“No,” she grumbled, avoiding meeting my eyes completely.
“Pretty sure you are. The past three weeks you haven’t ridden him once. He’s going to become a pasture horse if you don’t train with him, too.”
“He’s not going to become a pasture horse.” Quinn reached out and touched Hook’s nose, “I’m just…”
“It took me a bit to get back on another horse after my fall, too. At least with barrel racing you can ride your own horse, and Hook”—I held the reins out to her—“is a fantastic racer. Swap out the saddles and mount him.”
Frozen, she moved only her eyes, looking from her horse to me.
“Swap out the saddle and mount him,” I repeated, making sure to add the tone of voice that got her moving.
Quinn took a deep breath before moving to ready both horses. I stepped back, only feeling slightly bad for making her change horses in the middle of training. Watching her, I leaned against the gate as she took her time talking to her horse, and reassuring Charming he did a good job today. Hook bobbed his head, seemingly ready to go for something more than the pasture.
“You’re tough on her.” Abi came up behind me, her arms coming into view on the gate next to me. Her eyes were focused on Quinn as she removed the saddle from Charming. “You really think she’s scared of Hook?”
“I do. She would always pick Hook over Charming, and now she won’t even come near him.” I didn’t take my eyes off Quinn as she took every piece from Charming and placed it on Hook. “Look at her. She’s hesitating.”
“And you’re just going to watch her hesitate?”
“Yup.” I folded my arms and watched.
“I’ll say it again, you’re a tough trainer.” There was a small laugh in Abi’s voice.
“She’s tougher.” I said with confidence, my focus on Quinn not faltering.
Abi shifted on her heels. “How did you get into barrel racing training? I’d figured you would go for something with saddle bronc. That was your event.” She stepped up on the gate, making herself a little taller than me as her focus stayed on Quinn.
“Yep.” I mimicked her action and took the step upon the gate, feeling that twinge of pain radiate up my leg. I sure as hell hoped Quinn never had this residual pain. She didn’t need this plaguing her for the rest of her life. I continued, “I thought about it, but to be honest, it may have been harder to become a trainer for that event than anything else.”
“Why?”
“I would want to get back on that horse.”
“Why haven’t you?”
I watched as Quinn ran her palm down the length of Charming’s back. Hook was almost ready to go, he just needed the bridle, and Quinn was still hesitating. She claimed she wasn’t afraid, but I could see it in her expressions. I could tell by the way her legs buckled once she got near Hook. Her breathing got heavier, and her movements weren’t as fluid.
I could see it in her because it’s exactly how I was.
Fear.
“Fear.” I finally said out loud. “I was messed up after my accident. Took me a long time to get back on any horse once I could fully walk again.”
“How long have you been taking training jobs?”
“Quinn’s my first client. My only client as of right now. We’re in year two.”
Abi’s eyebrows raised. “And what did you do for the years before training?”
I met her gaze. “Recovered.”
She didn’t respond to that. She didn’t need to. She knew what I was recovering from. Losing Sylas. My accident. The divorce.
“I’m not fully recovered.” I stuck my left leg out in front of me. “I still get this shooting pain in my leg sometimes, like just now. When I stepped on the gate, I felt it. It reminds me to go easy on myself. I guarantee you I’ll always feel that spark of pain.”
“Do you think you’ll even ride bronc again?”
I shook my head. “Nope. I miss it, but I can’t. So, I immersed myself in other ways. Most trainers don’t follow clients to rodeos. Me…I’d follow Quinn to each and every event just so I could still be a part of it.”
“How the hell do you afford that?”
I raised a brow. “I was very smart with my money, let’s say that.”
“So.” Abi stretched her arms out, taking a big exhale through her lips before pulling herself back to the gate. “You go to rodeos, and you miss it, but you won’t ride. You’re still afraid?”
“Terrified.” I didn’t drop a beat.
She hummed. “Wanna know what I think?”
“I have a feeling you’re gonna tell me no matter what.”
Abi jumped off the gate. “I think you need to take your own advice and get back on a bucking horse. You know damn well you can do it. You’re making your client do it. Take your own damn advice.” Walking behind me, she entered the arena. “I’ll take Charming out to the pasture,” she told Quinn, taking his lead with ease. She gave me a wink, much like the one I gave her earlier, as she passed me.
That night, I found myself knocking on Rhett’s door. He answered, an eyebrow raising high once he saw me. He was already dressed in a t-shirt and sweats, basically turned in for the night. Leaning against his door frame he crossed his arms across his chest.
“Hey, sorry to bother you.” I scratched the nape of my neck, still not sure about what the hell I was really doing. Abi’s words got to me, and they had been ringing in my ears ever since. I had watched Quinn take Hook around the arena. Her back was stiff, but she eventually loosened up, her confidence coming back after a few runs around. When I added a barrel, it was as if she never took a fall.
I needed to take my own advice.
“You’re not bothering us, what’s up?” he asked, lifting his chin in the air.
“I was wondering if you could help me with something.”
Forty minutes later, Rhett, Lachlan, and I stood in the arena with one of the Hartwell’s horses in the chute. I pulled my gloves for the tenth time as I watched Lachlan adjust the flanking strap. My heart was racing. I hadn’t done this in three—damn, almost four years. I had ridden a horse, sure—Nova and I were naturals—but getting on a horse that was purposefully trying to buck me off was a different story. I knew the motions. I knew what to do. It was like riding a bike…right? Arm up, legs straight, back loose, shoulders square…but the last time I was on a horse, my posture was perfect, and I still fumbled. Who’s to say it wouldn’t happen again?
“He’s a bucker”—Lachlan looked up at me—“even without the strap. Are you sure?”
“Positive,” I answered, hearing the shake in my voice. I was anything but positive. “You got the gate, Rhett?”
Holding onto the rope, Rhett nodded. “Kinda wish Wyatt was here. He could help.”
“I’ll jump on Onyx the minute the shoot opens. I’ll be the pickup,” Lachlan answered. “Wyatt wouldn’t be much help anyway.”
“I could get on a horse,” Kyla, who sat in the stands, called back. She was cuddled in a blanket, her boots untied as if she had just tossed them on.
“No.” Rhett pointed at her, a little too defensively. He cleared his throat and lowered his finger as Kyla gave him a smirk. “I mean, you just sit back and relax. You’re keeping time.”
Kyla waved the small timer she held in the air. “Eight seconds.”
“Maybe lower it to six?” Rhett looked over at me. “It’s been years since you’ve done this.”
I shook my head. “Eight seconds.”
“You ready?” Lachlan asked, stepping away from the horse.
I nodded, exhaled through my rounded lips, and used all my strength to hoist myself over the gate and land on the horse’s back. Instantly he moved, grunting as I pressed my knees into his side. He was not happy we woke him up for this. Good. He’ll buck more.
“What the hell are you doing?” Abi’s loud voice echoed through the arena before she even came into view. I looked up, catching her as she pursed her lips. Her hair was up in a messy bun, she wore black sweat and tennis shoes, and a large sweater covering her torso. Obviously—she crawled out of bed for this—yet she was still beautiful in every sense. And she was going to see me ride.
Nerves ran through my chest. No one answered her. They all just stared, stunned, as if they had just been caught by their mom.
“Taking my own advice.” I finally broke the silence.
“Now?” Abi approached the chute. “At ten o’clock at night? You think now is a good idea?”
“Yeah, I do.”
She took one deep breath, then dropped her arms to her side. “You’re crazy.”
“You told me to get back on the horse.”
“I didn’t mean today. I meant later. In a different arena,” she argued back.
“What better place than here, Abs?” I bore into her, silently telling her I needed this, that she told me I needed this. It was because of her I was on this horse in the first place, and it was because of her I wasn’t getting off. She knew I could do this. I just had to show myself I could. “Lachlan’s on Onyx, Rhett’s at the chute, Kyla is timing…”
“Kyla.” Abi looked around, her eyes landing on the stand where Kyla sat. She gave Abi a soft wave.
“Don’t worry, Rhett is making sure I stay here.” Kyla said loud enough for her to hear.
“You need someone else on the chute.” She dropped her arms.
“You volunteering?” I asked, gripping my hand on the rope, not even bothering to look at her.
I heard her groan. “Yes. Fine. I’m volunteering.”
The moment she reached the back of the chute, she placed her hand on the horse’s neck, pulling and moving him back and forth, only gearing him up more.
“Again…” Abi sighed, speaking loud enough only I could hear. “You sure about this?”
I answered her by giving Rhett the nod.
The chute opened, and I used my spurs to move the horse, giving him a good kick, and the minute he was out of the chute, he bucked. And bucked. And bucked. The sounds of the metal gate and Rhett’s cheers vanished as the only thing that I could hear was the harsh ‘thump’ of the hooves hitting the dirt. As if instinct was taking over, my body began to move with the motions. My right hand in the air, my left holding on to the cinch as tight as I could. I tried to focus on the count instead of the massive beast under me that was giving me the ride of my life. He bucked harder than I remember, or maybe it had been that long since I had done this, but he was ruthless. One…two…three. He spun, his entire body going to the left. Four….five… he spun again, this time flinging my entire body with him to the right, bucking higher than anticipated, and I lost all control and grip on the horse, flying off.
“Oh shit.” I heard Rhett’s voice and saw a flash of black to my left.
Adrenaline pumped through my veins as I tumbled through the air. I had to land on my feet. If I didn't, this newfound courage to try again was going to disappear before I had a chance to fully embrace it. I hit the ground, both boots digging into the dirt, and pain shot through my left leg. But I was on my feet. At least I didn't land on my ass. I kept my body moving, my legs flying in a full jog as I watched Lachlan grab the cinch and pull the horse back through the arena gates, slowing him down. Once the horse was running in a circle, moving to trot, my pace slowed—but my heart was still racing.
“Cash!” Abi’s voice got louder. I turned and saw her running through the dirt towards me.
“Six point eight seconds,” Kyla shouted, but her voice was dull, because my entire focus was on the woman running towards me.
“Are you ok?” she screamed as she forced her body to stop, her breath heavy. She grabbed onto my arms and looked at my legs, taking in my body with worried eyes. “You flew and I…damnit Cash.” She used her entire body strength to punch my shoulder. She could definitely throw a punch. My shoulder ached, but all of her attention was on me.
“I’m fine Abs, I mean…” I lifted my left leg. “I can feel it but…”
“But what?” She met my gaze. “Do you need to sit, do we need to—”
“No Abi.” I grabbed her shoulders, taking her by surprise. “That felt…” I smiled. “Amazing.” I swallowed, feeling my heart beat through my chest. I could feel my body shaking, everything was moving so fast and I…loved it. “Absolutely amazing.” I said softly before wrapping my arms around her, pulling her to me in an all-consuming hug.
She was stiff, but soon, her arms wrapped around my waist, and she relaxed. She buried her face in my chest and she inhaled, then exhaled a shaky pattern that matched my own. I wasn’t sure what was making my heart race more. The almost seven seconds I lasted on a bucking horse…or finally having Abi in my arms again.