15. Fifteen
Fifteen
Abi
My plan was simple. Go find the damn horse. Not find yourself wrapped in Cash’s embrace, feel lighter because of it, and then go find the damn horse. Now here I was, riding on Twinkie next to Cash as we looked around the land for Marshmallow. I was angry. But I was calm. I was extremely frustrated. But I was…content? I was mad at Cash, yet I was happy he was here. I wanted to punch him in the face, but I wanted to be in his arms again.
Basically, I didn’t know what I wanted or what I felt.
You could have called me…
I did. I dialed his number three times, each time it rang and rang. It didn’t even go to voicemail. I sent a text but like the others I had sent, it went unanswered. So, either he had changed his number and he assumed I knew about it, or he was having fun playing off that he wasn’t getting my messages. Messing with me somehow.
When he said that I wanted to bite back that I had, but instead, I made up some excuse that I had forgotten. When, in fact, he was the only one I called. I didn’t know why I wanted him there, but next to finding Stetson, Cash was the only thing that traveled through my mind. I thought with him helping, with him there, I would have handled the situation better, instead of going batshit crazy and making everyone leave in a car or horse back to go find my son. The night could have turned out so much different if he were with me.
When I saw Stetson with him, my heart lifted a tiny bit. He was safe, with the one person I wanted to be safe with. I had to remind myself that he didn’t answer his phone, he wasn’t there for me, but he was there for Stetson. I couldn’t decide if I wanted the anger or the gratefulness. In the end I focused on what was really important: my son. He was more important than anything, so I did what I did best, and I was there for him.
Last night I lay with him close to me, my heart still racing, my mind on Cash.
Why did I want him so close to me all of a sudden?
Was it because of that hug? The first one in years? Because if I’m getting all flustered over a hug, then I really need to get my emotions in check, because I never— ever— would have had these thoughts about him before.
“Do you think he went to the lake to find water?” Cash asked, looking over his shoulder at me.
I kicked Twinkie to trot to catch up to him. “Maybe. We’re not that far from the lake. But there’s still snow around.”
“I say we hit up the lake and then follow the stream.”
I nodded. Good thing he was thinking logically. My brain was all mush. “Good plan.” I turned Twinkie, following towards the lake.
“Where’s Stet—” He paused “—son,” he corrected himself.
I grinned. “I let him stay home from school. He’s with Kyla.”
“How’s his knee?”
“Fine. Scraped up, but thanks to Dr. Cash last night, he’ll survive.”
Cash kept his gaze forward, but he smiled, a small chuckle vibrating through the air. “He hated me for cleaning it out.”
“He could never hate you,” I admitted.
“You didn’t hear the hiss he gave me.”
“Sounded like a snake, didn’t it?” A smile tugged at my lips.
“A poisonous one,” Cash mumbled.
I couldn’t help but let out a scoff, “I’ve heard that hiss a time or two.”
“Yeah, but you’re his mom. You’re supposed to get the hisses. I’m fun Uncle Cash.” He straightened his back and wiggled his shoulders, showing he was proud to have that title. “I let him on roofs and teach him how to fix shingles. One day, I’ll teach him how to ride bronc and before you know it, he’ll be riding in the rodeo.”
“He wants to do bareback; did you know that?” I raised my eyebrow at him.
“I did. I won’t lie, I was hoping he’d choose saddle bronc, but I can see how he wants to take after his real uncle…cousin?” He furrowed his brow. “Lachlan is his cousin?”
I let out a laugh. “Technically, Lachlan is his first cousin once removed, but he’s always called him Uncle Lachlan. He wants to be like him. He’s seen his past events on YouTube.”
“What about his dad’s?”
Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. “No. At least…not with me.”
“What if he wants to ride bulls? He’s gotta learn from the best?”
Bulls. Sylas. Why did he have to bring that up? We were having a good conversation.
“No.” My voice was cold and toneless.
He caught my bluntness, and the air grew tense. The subject needed to change, and fast. Sylas was not a conversation I wanted to breach. I didn’t even watch bull riding on the TV or during the Fourth of July Rodeo, what makes him think I’d even let Stetson anywhere near a bull? I didn’t even like the idea of him riding bareback—hell, mutton busting—a bull. Fuck no.
I clenched my teeth to stop myself from saying anything further. Instead, I looked ahead and tried to will a white horse to appear.
A few moments of silence later, Cash cleared his throat. “So…”
I side eyed him.
“Lach tells me your dad’s finally retiring? That the ranch will be yours?”
“And Rhett’s, but he wants me to take the majority of it.” I swallowed. This wasn’t a topic I wanted to think about either. He wasn’t helping the ‘figure out your emotions’ battle I was having with myself.
“I can see why.” A sigh left him as he moved on Nova, straightening his back and tilting his head from side to side. “You’re invested in this place. I can tell you really love it.”
“I do,” was all I said.
It wasn’t a lie. I loved this land. It was beautiful. The trees were starting to get their leaves, and slowly but surely the green would consume the land. The blossoming trees near the lake would add the light pinks to make the spring shine. Spring time was supposed to bring the sunshine to the ranch, and for the most part, it did. I loved the colors and watching the ranch come back to life around me.
And with the man on the horse next to me, his concentration ahead of him, helping spruce things up, I couldn’t wait to see what it would look like. The barn’s red paint stood out against the muted colors, and once the fences around it were fixed, it was going to be perfect. Absolutely gorgeous.
But still thinking of taking over the majority of the business, having my name on the title caused my throat to swell and my palms to sweat. I could even feel my heart begin to beat in an unnatural rhythm. It wasn’t about the numbers anymore. We were starting to catch up, looking good for this month to actually make a profit with the new horses we were boarding and Cash using the arena, but we still needed more. Sure, I no longer wanted to call David and take that offer we turned down months ago, but there was a lingering feeling in the back of my mind that I hadn’t told anyone. I hadn’t even admitted it out loud. I didn’t know if this is what I wanted. Did I want to be sitting behind a desk all day while Lachlan was out on the land? Not really. I didn’t want to constantly stress over the finances until I didn’t sleep at night. I didn’t want to be in charge. I wanted to…
I wanted to…
“But?” Cash looked at me, his body swaying as Nova moved over some rough land.
“But?” I parroted.
“Your ‘I do’ sounded like there was a but at the end of the sentence.”
“There isn’t.” My shoulders stiffened. There was a but. A long but. But…
“You sure?”
“Yes. I’m sure. One hundred percent.” I sighed.
I don’t want it. I don’t want to own the ranch. I don’t know how to break away from it…
“You have that look on your face.”
I rolled my eyes, “I don’t have a look on my face.”
“Don’t forget I know you pretty well—”
“Knew,” I corrected him.
“And I remember when Sylas would ask you to do something you didn’t want to do, or when he was doing something you didn’t particularly care for, you would get this look on your face. Not to be a dick, but I’ve seen it a lot since coming here.” His Southern twang made every single word stronger, the slight laugh that sat behind them only making my annoyance grow.
I didn’t have a look. And I certainly wasn’t wearing any look right now.
“Cash, a lot has changed in the past five years.”
“Right, it has, but that look hasn’t.” He raised a brow, pulling Nova to stop.
Not stopping Twinkie until she was a few steps in front, I looked over my shoulder at him. “You don’t know me anymore.”
Cash’s jaw tensed. “I do though.”
Remember when I said I needed to get my emotions in check? That I didn’t know what was going on? I wanted Cash near me? I wanted to be in his arms, but I also wanted to punch him in the face?
Right now, it was a punch him in the face moment.
I didn’t like how confused I was feeling. I wasn’t in control of anything.
“Abs, you don’t have to put up walls with me.”
“I don’t put up walls.”
He took a deep breath. “But you do, and you’re doing it now.” His gaze hit mine, the calming his eyes that settled me after seeing him with Stetson was fading as he bore into me, searching me for something that I wasn’t going to let him see.
Dammit…I was putting up my walls.
And he could tell.
Fuck.
I swallowed and shook my head. “Cash…you’re seeing things. I’m not doing anything. I’m only looking for my son’s horse.”
I urged Twinkie forward.
“Do you wanna know how I know?” Cash said from behind me, his voice a little louder to catch my ears.
“Please.” I turned Twinkie quickly, coming face to face with him. “Tell me how you think you know me so well that you are positive that I’m wearing a mask, that I’m putting up walls. How Cash, when I haven’t seen you in five years? How can you possibly know?” My voice cracked as I attempted to keep my tone civil when all I wanted to do was scream at him.
His stare was deep, unmoving as he softly said, “Because I do it too.”
My eyes widened. That’s not what I was expecting him to say.
“I wake up every day, and my leg reminds me just how weak I really am. But I put up those walls. I wear that mask every single day, so people don’t see the pain. I laugh, I smile, I ignore that voice in my head. You may think you’re hiding it, but Abs…I see it. I see you. You don’t have to put up walls with me.”
His voice was steady, calm, and smooth as he searched over me, like he had the ability to peer into my soul, grasping at everything that I’ve been feeling. Was he feeling it, too? Impossible. He didn’t have anything to grieve over, he didn’t have any huge decisions to make. He was simply coasting through life, doing exactly what he wanted to do. What pain did he feel?
He called himself weak. Just like it was a huge Band-Aid that he yanked off and opened up for the world to see. Was that only the tip of the iceberg when it came to Cash? If you were to look at Cash Callahan, you would see a cocky rodeo trainer. One who knew what he was doing. One that knew how to talk the talk and walk the walk of the rodeo. He was confident and strong. Suave and sexy. He had his life together.
But maybe those were walls.
I see you. You don’t have to put up walls with me.
Our eyes were locked.
He saw me.
I wish I could see him.
A neigh in the distance pulled me from his grasp, causing my shoulders to jerk as I moved.
“Look at that,” Cash said, his voice still steady. “Right by the lake.”
And there he was, a white horse with a crooked saddle shaking his head.