36. Thirty-Six
Thirty-Six
Cash
Abi met Quinn and me at the trailer, her smile widening as she wrapped Quinn in her arms. She congratulated her on her run before she lightly brushed my arm as she headed to help with the horses. She spoke calmly to them as she hooked them in and made sure they were safe, giving them each a kiss on the nose before closing the trailer, making sure my client knew the way to the stables.
“Yes, Mom, ” Quinn teased.
Mom…
Abi grinned. “Speaking of mom, we should probably call Stetson before it gets too late.” She turned to me. “Come on, you know he’ll want to talk to you too.”
Saying goodbye to Quinn, we pulled out of the arena before the crowds, turning the opposite way of Quinn to our hotel, my hand wanting to hold Abi’s the entire drive. She called Stetson, giving him a run down about what happened at the rodeo, then handed the phone to me for a quick goodnight, and once she hung up she faced the window. Looking out at the twilight sky, she played with her fingers, twirling rings that weren’t there. I moved, slowly at first, but then her hand moved, too—her fingers brushing mine until they were threaded together.
Instant comfort. Instant relief.
Pulling up to the hotel, our contact broke only briefly until we found each other again, never once letting go. When we made it into the hotel, she pulled me to her, her body pressing against mine.
“Cash,” she said in the crook of my neck.
“Abi.” I stopped her, arching my back slightly, lifting her chin with my forefinger. “If I had known Carolyn was going to be there—”
“I really don’t care about Carolyn,” she interrupted, her fingers brushing my jaw line.
“Neither do I.”
That was the absolute truth. I was always worried that if I saw her, feelings and memories would come back and I would fall back into where I was, but I couldn’t care less about Carolyn and her three kids…her cheating and everything that happened. What I cared about was right here in my arms.
“Do you remember when we danced?” I asked, running a lock of her blonde hair through my thumb and forefinger. “When you kissed me.”
Her answer was a kiss, a soft chaste one against my lips. “Yes. The night we stopped holding back.”
“You asked me what happened with Carolyn.”
“Cash, I don’t care what happened with her.”
“I think there’s bits and pieces you need to know.”
She swallowed. “Tell me.”
My breath shook as I took a deep inhale, watching as her eyes danced as they searched me.
“Tell me,” she repeated, her hand reaching up to caress my cheek.
“Abs.” I lifted her, feeling her legs wrap around my waist as I walked up to the bed, taking a seat on the edge, my hands sliding up her back. “I’m happier than I’ve ever been with you right now, and I’m terrified that what I’m about to tell you is going to change everything.”
She shook her head, stopping to kiss me gently. “Can I tell you what I pictured today? When you went with Quinn, right before Carolyn showed up?”
“What?”
“I saw you, and me...” she paused, a slight smile spreading across her lips. Her cheeks blushed as she lifted a hand to gentle touch my hair, her fingers moving to the nape of my neck. “And Stetson. At rodeos together, traveling, at the ranch riding. You two together. The three of us. Together. You hand in hand with him. Us…as a family.”
“A family?” I whispered, my voice shaky.
She nodded. “I’m in this Cash, if you are too. Carolyn can’t scare me away.”
I licked my lips. “She can’t but…what if…”
“No what ifs. Tell me.”
I took a deep breath, focusing on Abi’s blue eyes as they pierced into me. She was giving me no reason to believe she would leave me now. She was giving me everything, all over again. I swallowed, and began, “Carolyn and I weren’t good for each other. From the moment we met until the second she ran out of the doctor’s appointment—”
“She left you at a doctor’s appointment?” Abi snarled, her eyes turning from love to hatred.
I nodded. “Stay with me.”
Abi placed her hands on my shoulders and closed her eyes, giving me a nod.
“I tried to fill a void. She wanted a lavish rodeo lifestyle. She wanted the buckle bunny life forever, and she thought that she would get that with me. I was that life for her, until I wasn’t anymore. I thought I loved her, or I wanted to believe I loved her. I think she wanted to believe she loved me, too. I wanted what you and Sylas had—but if I’m being one hundred percent honest, I wanted it with you. I would never have done anything, you and Sylas…you two were—”
“We’re not talking about Sylas and me,” she stopped me. “I know you wouldn’t have even considered trying to take me from him. You knew you didn’t stand a chance.” She smiled, trying to break the tension with a tease.
It worked. I chuckled, shaking my head slightly. “No…but I tried to duplicate it. With the wrong person. Carolyn was manipulative, she gaslit, she cheated, she tried her hardest to pull me away from you, and I hate to admit it worked for a time. But then my accident”—I met her gaze—“took more away than just my career.”
“Your leg.” She touched my leg softly. “I know you still feel pain.”
“I do. But it’s manageable. I do acupuncture and physical therapy stretches for it. I take care of myself…but…if it were just my leg…”
“What else is it then? What are you beating around the bush for?”
“I can’t have children,” I blurted out. No more beating around the bush. “The doctors told us details, but it came down to the injuries I received from the accident. The pressure from the horses’ body was on me just long enough to crush my left side. I had to have so many surgeries; you’ve seen the scars on my femur and knees…but I also had to have repair surgeries near my groin and abdomen. I wish I knew the terms they used off the top of my head, but…the chances of me having children are slim to none. Not gone…but…slim. I take daily medication for testosterone levels, and I stick to physicals each year…and nothing has changed. Having my own just isn’t in my future.”
Abi’s jaw grew tense as if she were chewing on her cheek. “And Carolyn, when she found out…”
“She walked out of that doctor’s appointment, took the car, and then one week later filed for divorce.”
“She really is a bitch, isn’t she? What did you ever see in her?”
“At first…a good time. I was the one who tried for more. Like I said at first …it was good, but she wanted to have children. She wanted to have that name. And she went and found it.”
“But…you told me she didn’t want kids?” Abi asked, her brow pinching.
I twisted my lips, “No, I said it wasn’t in the cards, not that she didn’t want any. She’s always wanted to have a family. I just couldn’t give that to her.”
“You said she cheated?”
“Her oldest is almost four. We’ve only been divorced for three years. So, she either was pregnant when she asked for the divorce or got pregnant shortly after. With Curtis Roster’s kids.”
“The bull rider?”
I nodded. “She got the lifestyle she always wanted.”
“I don’t get it. Is that what she meant?” she breathed, shaking her head as her back slumped.
I furrowed my brow and trailed my hands down her back. “What do you mean?”
“After you left to go find Quinn…” She hesitated. “I could tell you were upset. I could tell something was off. You weren’t paying attention to the rodeo, and when Stetson called, you just were kinda…meh.” She shrugged a shoulder. “So, I went to her box and asked her what she said to you. She told me I needed to know the real reasons before deciding to have a relationship with you. Was she meaning the no kids thing?”
No kids thing? She made it sound so casual, so… not a thing.
I nodded, leaning my forehead against hers to feel her. “She put it in my head. When she asked how many kids we had, she knew we didn’t have any. But then I started thinking, if I could have a family with anyone it would be you. I would have a million kids with you if I could.”
“Whoa…slow down…a million?” She arched back, her beautiful laugh filling the air between us.
Pulling her back to me, I smiled. “You know what I mean. If I could have a family with anyone, it would be with you. The way I feel about you, Abi, isn’t going to fade away any time soon. I’ve carried feelings for you since the moment I saw you, and now that you’re my girlfriend”—I smiled at the word—“there's things I want to think about that I never did before. I never truly thought about having kids with Carolyn, but with you…Abi…I want that. But I can’t give that to you. And if you are seeing me and Stetson and you as a family…then…well…is that a deal breaker? Do you still want me if I can’t give you a bigger family? I know you and Sylas talked about having more kids, I know—”
She pressed her lips to mine, taking me in as her hands wrapped around the nape of my neck. Her tongue teased my lips, forcing them to open to welcome her in. As much as I wanted to take over and devour her, I let her lead. This kiss was sensual, as if she were learning the way my mouth fit against hers. This kiss was filled with love.
Love.
I love this woman.
“Cash.” She pressed her forehead to mine. “You not being able to have children is the last thing I’d ever consider a deal breaker. I have Stetson. I have you. What more could I want?” She shifted, pressing herself to me more. “I’m the happiest I’ve been in five years when I’m with you.”
“Need I remind you that you threw a brush at me.”
“I haven’t done that in weeks.” She punched my shoulder lightly.
“You threw it out of love.”
“Sure, we’ll say that.” She smiled. “I do feel something for you Cash, I never expected this…but as soon as I stopped fighting it…I found myself falling for you. Kids or no kids in our future…I fell, and Cash…I crave you.”
“Crave me?” I raised an eyebrow, seeing the desire flood her eyes as she bit down on her bottom lip.
Her fingers trailed up my arms to my shoulders. “I want you in so many ways. I want every inch of you.”