Chapter 27
27
GAVIN
“ T hat’s good, Gavin. You gotta push harder, though. Really thrust your hips, otherwise I’ll never get off,” Beck said, a playful smirk on his lips.
This motherfucker.
“Yeah? That’s really how you wanna do this, Beck? Because I think you just want to be punished,” I panted, trying to will away the hard-on that was starting to grow with his words.
It was Friday, the gym was empty right now, and Roman was in his office, so Beck was doing some training with me. Unfortunately, grappling with Beck only turned me on, and it was really hard to concentrate on my form and technique when all my blood was in my dick and he had his big body plastered to mine. And right now, he was mounting me. It was impossible to escape Beck’s mount.
And god I fucking loved that.
Beck’s eyes seemed to darken at my words, and just to tease him right back, I pushed my hard dick up into his ass, rubbing along the cleft.
“Is that it?” I asked softly, entirely forgetting where we were. “You want me to punish you?”
Even though I could tell my words were affecting him—his hard cock was pressing into my lower stomach, almost touching mine—he leaned down and murmured, “Sucking my dick doesn’t count as punishment, princess. That’s more of a reward, don’t you think? And I’m not sure you deserve a reward.”
His voice spread through me like fire, a controlled burn that melted my mind and made me dizzy. Ever since last week, when he’d lied to me and then confessed how he was feeling, Beck would apologize just to get me to “punish” him.
My idea of punishing him was sucking his cock until he was about to come, and then easing off. And when he would start cursing me out, I would take him back into my mouth until he was on the brink of orgasm, then pop off and let him cool down.
Edging Beck was the most fun I’d ever had. He was right, though. Sucking his dick was a reward for me. I loved having him in my mouth as much as I loved having him in my ass, and sometimes I just wanted to lay my head on his stomach and keep him in my mouth. Sometimes he would let me and just run his hands through my hair.
“I think I do,” I said, trying to hook my arm around his. He finally let me do it, and then I shoved my hips against his ass and rolled us until I was on top. The feel of his cock pressing against mine, hot and hard, had me panting above him. Beck’s eyes were stormy with desire, and all my nerve-endings were on the fritz. “I think?—”
“Hey!”
We both whipped our heads toward Roman, who was walking over to us.
“Shit,” I muttered, trying to push myself off Beck. Roman was an asshole and watched us like a hawk when we were training.
Beck took advantage of my kneeling position and pulled his legs through mine, then scissored them around my hips and rolled us like a fucking alligator with its meal. He unlocked his legs when he had me on my back, and the smile he gave me as he stared down at me made my entire system glitch.
“Gotcha,” he said, and when he dove down and pecked my lips with his, then shot up to his feet, my entire face felt like it was melting. When I thought about where we were, I started to feel my ears burn, and a sickening sort of humiliation began churning in my gut. Breathing felt too hard all of a sudden, and Beck speaking with Roman sounded a million miles away. And then I couldn’t breathe at all, could only hear the roaring in my ears as a profound dread rose up and ate away at my entire being.
Someone’s hands were on me, and then I was wrapped in a cocoon of warmth and strength. Slowly, Beck’s voice began to pierce through all that dread and it started to dissipate. The tension in my muscles was lessening, and I listened to Beck telling me to breathe, that’s it, just like that. His voice was filling up my mind and shoving out every negative emotion until all I could feel, all I could sense, was Beck.
Beck.
“Beck .”
“You’re okay, baby. I’m right here. No one’s gonna hurt you. You’re safe,” he murmured in my ear.
I blinked the room back into focus and stared down at Beck’s hands linked together over my chest. I was sitting up with Beck at my back, his legs bracketing mine.
“Beck,” I rasped, setting my palms on his legs, letting his strength bleed into me.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m right here. Everything’s okay.”
“No it’s not,” I gasped out, my heart rate picking up again.
Because he’d kissed me. In front of someone else. In public .
What if my dad saw? What if one of his friends walked in? What if Roman was friends with him? What if?—
Beck scooted around me and lifted my legs until my thighs were pressed against either side of his hips and I was basically straddling him. It wasn’t helping. I grabbed onto his shirt as he threaded his fingers in my hair and gently tilted my head up.
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have done that, Gavin. I wasn’t thinking. But Roman already knew, okay? And no,” he said when I opened my mouth. “I didn’t tell him. He has a sixth sense for this kind of shit. But it’s okay. Did you know that Roman is bi?”
I stared at him for a long moment, then shook my head. No, I didn’t know that. I exhaled hard as Beck began brushing my hair back, over and over again.
“Yeah. He might be an asshole sometimes, but he’s an asshole that believes in equality. No sexual orientation or gender is safe from his dickish ways.”
I felt like crying, could feel the sting in my nostrils, so I let my face fall forward into Beck’s neck and inhaled. The smell of him soothed me as much as his hands rubbing up and down my back, and I sagged into him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into my hair.
“You’re just trying to get me to suck your dick,” I mumbled.
His chest shook with his laughter, and I felt him kiss my head. “Have you told your therapist that you have panic attacks?” he asked softly.
“No,” I said. I’d forgotten about the other one. Or willfully forgotten it. I didn’t like thinking about it.
“Mm. You think you should? She might have some helpful advice,” he said. I’d gotten used to the kindness and lack of judgment that Beck constantly treated me with, but there was a part of me that wondered where he might draw the line. If he ever would.
I hoped he never did.
“Yeah,” I said into his skin.
“When did they start? Do you remember the first time something like this happened?”
Yeah, I did. The sound of my dad removing his belt the second time he’d taken it off to beat me. It only made him beat me harder as he called me a pathetic pussy between my wheezing breaths.
But I didn’t want to talk about that right now.
“I don’t know,” I hedged. “In high school. It didn’t happen that often.”
“Okay,” he said softly, and I could hear the sadness in his voice. I kissed his neck to let him know it was okay, that he didn’t have to be sad anymore.
“So…” he started, his tone shifting to something lighter. I pushed off his chest and looked up at him. “Roman was coming out because we wanted to talk to you about something.”
My stomach sank, and I guessed the apprehension I was feeling was all over my face because Beck said, “It’s nothing bad, I promise. I was hoping it would make you happy, actually.”
“What?” I asked warily.
“We wanted to offer you a position here as an assistant instructor, but not if you’re gonna be falling all over the floor anytime someone gets a little gay with you,” said Roman.
I whipped my head toward the front desk that Roman had apparently been hiding behind. I looked back at Beck and gave him a withering glare. “He was right there the whole time?”
“Because he was concerned,” Beck said. He shot an angry look at Roman. “You have to read between the lines with Roman, don’t listen to the actual words he says because they are fucking awful.”
Roman laughed like the dick he was and made his way over to us. He crouched beside us and said, “Despite the shit you’ve done, it would be our pleasure to have you teach here. And by our , I mean his .” He nodded at Beck. “I don’t see it, but Beck says you’re a hell of a fighter, and he’s not much of a liar. He might be a little biased, though. Or just really into your dick. He’s got dick bias.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Beck muttered.
I didn’t really want to be having this conversation while my dick was touching Beck’s, so I scrambled off him and got to my feet. Beck did too, and when he gave me an uncertain smile, my annoyance with Roman was forgotten.
“What do you think?” he asked, blue eyes flitting between mine. I could practically hear his thoughts as he willed me to say yes.
I’d never taught wrestling or jiu-jitsu before, and I was a few years out of practice. But if Beck thought I could do it, then I could. Right?
I swallowed hard as I stared into his eyes and said, “Only if you’re my boss. I think I might kill Roman if I have to interact with him on a daily basis.”
Roman laughed like that was hysterical, and Beck smiled at me. “Yeah. We can do that.”
“No boss/employee role play in the gym, got it?” Roman said as he walked away. “Keep that shit at home.”
“Why the fuck are you working with that asshole?” I said.
“He’s really not that bad once you get to know him.”
“I feel like I’ve really gotten to know him, and he just keeps getting worse.”
Beck laughed and pulled me into his arms. “I think this’ll be really good for you, Gav.”
Maybe, but…
“What if people recognize me?” My question was quiet, almost like I didn’t want him to hear and give me an answer I didn’t like.
“Then we deal with it. Remember what I said to you?”
Yeah. I remembered. That if people only saw me for my mistakes, then they weren’t worth a single fucking thought.
I nodded, and Beck said, “Good. Because you’re starting today.”
Come again? “Um. What?”
“You’re gonna help me with the beginner class at four, it’s all kids who are twelve and under. You can do this.”
“You’re joking, right?”
Beck shook his head, smiling at me. “Nope. I’ll give you a rundown of what you need to do, and I’ll be right there by your side.” He dragged me into his arms and rested his head against mine. “You can do this, Gav. I know you can. And if you really don’t want to, just let me know. But you should try. I think you’ll love it.” He pulled back and kissed my cheek.
The hope that I would say yes was right there in his eyes, and I was nodding before I could second guess any of it. “Okay. Yeah, I’ll try.”
That was all I could do these days.
Four days later, my past caught up to me.
It was my third lesson with the group of kids twelve and under and I was loving every fucking moment. I thought I would hate it, that I’d be terrible at it, that the kids would hate me , but none of that turned out to be true.
I loved it, I was a natural, and all the kids loved me. The best part was that none of them knew who I was. None of them looked at me with judgment or disdain in their eyes; I was a blank slate with them. It was so liberating, and during that single hour I was teaching them with Beck, it was like my past didn’t exist.
Except it did.
It existed in a big way, and on Tuesday afternoon, it walked through the double doors and stared at me with so much contempt I thought I might burst into flames on the spot.
Nate Sutton, a nine-year-old in the class, broke away from the group and ran right toward the man who walked in, throwing his arms around him. The other kids had gone and sat against the wall as they waited for their parents.
“Uncle Jamie!” he cried. “What’re you doing here?”
Jamie Sutton’s eyes were fixed on me, shock, disbelief, and disgust in their depths, as he said, “Your dad got tied up at work and asked me to get you today, bud.” He looked down at the boy and smiled.
My heart thudded hard in my chest as panic began to rise. I stood frozen and watched while Jamie spoke to the boy.
The memory of our fight in senior year of college exploded behind my eyes. All the horrible things I’d said before Jamie punched me began flashing like neon lights, and I felt like I might throw up. The vicious brawl that ensued was a blur of fists and a blackout rage, but I would never forget it.
It didn’t matter that it had been the worst year of my life, that the steroids had augmented all the nasty anger I’d been collecting for almost a decade and made me feel like I was no longer at the helm. It didn’t fucking matter. There were so many other roads I could have taken other than the one I chose, and I deserved the contempt in his eyes.
I wanted to say so many things, in that moment. I’m sorry. I’m trying to be better. I was a monster back then, but I’m trying to change. I’m sorry I hurt you. I would take it all back if I could.
He wouldn’t give a shit. I didn’t think there was anything I could say that would make a difference.
Jamie leaned down and said something quietly to Nate, and I watched as the kid skipped to the doors and waited there. Jamie’s hard gaze was fixed on me, and I had to tamp down the urge to look for Beck, to grab onto him, to have any part of him touching me to give me the strength I needed to face this.
But Beck had gone to his office to do something real quick. I was on my own.
When Jamie stopped a few feet away, I glanced at the clenched fists at his sides. We were about the same height, the same build now that I’d lost so much muscle. His hazel eyes raked over me, and when they settled on mine again, there was so much disgust in them that it made my stomach turn.
“Where’s Beck?” he asked quietly, his voice dripping with disdain. “What in the fuck are you doing here? Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to put a violent animal in charge of kids?”
Every word out of his mouth was like a physical blow, the truth of them making them hit all the harder. I felt dizzy now, like I couldn’t get enough oxygen, like it was slowly leaking out of the room. I glanced at the kids over on the wall by the door, but none of them were paying attention to us.
“I—Jamie, I’m sorry?—”
Jamie stepped toward me. “Are you fucking kidding right now?” he said, followed by a humorless laugh. “You think you can just apologize and that’ll be that? I don’t give a shit that we got into a fight, it’s attacking Isaac for no fucking reason that makes me hate you, Gavin. He’s so much smaller than you, and still you tried to hurt him. He was fucking lucky Brody was there, but Brody wasn’t lucky, was he?”
I lowered my gaze to his chest, watched the angry rise and fall of it as shame poured over me like wet cement, hardening with each passing second and encasing me in a concrete tomb.
“I know,” I whispered, unable to meet his eyes. “And I’m sorry. I was a monster back then?—”
Jamie scoffed. “And what the fuck makes you think you’re not still a monster? Huh? People like you don’t change. Seriously, who is letting you be an instructor here? I think it’s time to take Nate somewhere else if you’re gonna be a permanent figure at this gym. Why the fuck would anyone hire you ?”
I shook my head, and when the first tear fell, I swiped it away and stumbled back a step.
All I wanted to do was run away. Jamie’s words were eating at me, making everything I’d done the past few months feel like the flimsiest house of cards. I was fucking fooling myself. He was right. Beck never should have let me work here. I was going to ruin his reputation.
I forced myself to stand still, forced myself to look Jamie in the eye. “I’m not a good person,” I said, my voice shaking. “I’ve done some really fucked up things, but I do regret them, and I am sorry, whether you believe that or not. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I hurt Isaac and Brody and everyone else. I know there’s nothing I can ever do or say to make up for what I did. You don’t have to take Nate out because I’ll quit. I won’t come back here. I’m sorry, Jamie.”
Jamie’s jaw tightened, his brows furrowing as he watched me, but before he could say anything else, I turned on my heel and walked to Beck’s office.
I knocked, then turned the knob when he called, “Come in!”
As soon as I shut the door behind me, Beck was out of his chair and hurrying around his desk with a panicked look on his face. He cupped my face in his hands and pressed his body against mine, as if knowing what I needed in that moment was to feel his goodness, his strength, every ounce of his presence.
“Hey,” he said softly, brushing away the stupid fucking tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “What’s the matter? What happened, baby?”
I shook my head and closed my eyes, feeling like I was caught in a whirlpool of anxiety and remorse.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Gavin.” Beck peppered my face with little kisses that only made me cry harder, because I didn’t deserve this.
“I just—there’s—it’s Jamie,” I stuttered, and then I realized Beck probably didn’t know what I’d done at the house. He’d only seen me attack Isaac and Brody on campus.
“Jamie? Jamie Sutton?” he asked, confused.
“Yeah, I—I got into a fight with him before—before the other one you stopped.” I was so fucking pathetic. Pitiful. I felt less than human, in that moment. Like a piece of trash that kept blowing out of the garbage can, refusing to stay inside.
“Did he say something?” Beck’s voice was soft, and I could hear the undertone of anger. But everything Jamie said was true. Beck couldn’t be angry about that.
“Yeah,” I rasped, staring up into Beck’s eyes. “I need to—I have to quit, Beck. I can’t work here anymore. Once people start realizing who I am and what I did, you’re going to lose all your clients. I can’t do that to you. I can’t.”
His brows drew together, but there was a spark of fury in his eyes. “What? You’re not quitting,” he growled. Then he kissed my forehead and said, “Go sit in my chair, baby. I’ll be right back. Stay here.”
And then he was gone, closing the door softly behind him.
I didn’t want Beck fighting my battles for me, but the shock of seeing Jamie again after two and a half years, the agony of having my past come crashing into me with all the force of a wrecking ball, was too much.
I went to Beck’s chair and sat down. It was still warm, and somehow that made me feel a little calmer, like part of Beck was still here with me.
I stared at the papers scattered in front of me, my eyes trailing down to the partially opened drawer in the center of the desk. To distract myself from the horrible thoughts that kept battering me, I pulled it open. There was a legal notepad, loose paperclips, a few rubber bands, some pens, and?—
I pushed the legal pad over and pulled out the photograph hiding beneath it.
A small sound escaped me, unfiltered anguish overpowering all the shame that had been seeping through me just a second ago. My lips parted as I tried to breathe, but it felt like someone had ripped out my lungs.
It was a picture of me and Beck when we were twelve. We were standing in the parking lot of this gym, our arms around each other’s shoulders. I was giving him bunny ears, and he was too busy looking at me to notice. His face was lit with happiness, his smile wide and eyes sparkling. I was looking at the camera, a joy in my eyes that I hadn’t seen in ten years.
I touched Beck’s face in the picture, running my finger down his cheek, then over to his unruly ringlet curls. He always let them get too long in the summer.
I looked at myself again, at the only version of me that had ever been happy. Truly happy. I wondered if I could find that again. If I could somehow get back to that place. I thought I might be able to, with Beck.
I could do anything, with Beck by my side.
But after seeing Jamie today, no part of me felt like I deserved that, even if I was capable of it.
When the door opened, I shoved the picture back into the drawer, pushing it shut. My eyes flew to Beck, who was watching me with an arched brow. My face heated at being caught looking through his desk, but he didn’t say anything about it.
He closed the door with a soft snick and approached me. When he got to the chair, he set his hands on the arms and leaned over me, forcing me to look up at him. The anger was gone now, but I had no idea what’d happened out there, and my nerves felt frayed.
“You’re not quitting and Jamie’s nephew will keep taking lessons here,” he said softly, those blue, blue eyes grounding me. “I spoke with him about it. After his initial anger wore off and I explained how you were trying to make better choices than you did back then, he conceded that you didn’t seem like the same person. I told him I would never hire someone I thought might hurt those kids or anyone else. He’s not very comfortable with it, and I don’t blame him, but he said that Nate was raving about you, so he would give it a chance.”
He leaned down even more until he was rubbing his cheek on mine, then said in my ear, “You are doing so, so well, princess. Things like this are going to happen. It’s inevitable, considering how small this town is. But you can handle it. I know you can. Don’t let your past stand in the way of who you’re becoming.” He kissed my cheek, and I leaned into the kiss, closing my eyes and wrapping my hands around his forearms.
“You make me wish for things that just aren’t possible,” I whispered, opening my eyes.
“Who says they’re not possible?” he asked, sinking to a crouch. “You? Or the voices in your head that can fuck right off?”
A rush of emotions erupted in my chest as I looked at this beautiful mountain of a man before me.
“Why do you even want me?” I said roughly. “I mean, what do I even do for you? All I do is take from you! I’m nothing like the boy you knew. I’m mangled and broken. Just… pieces of me growing around each other, trying to form some kind of—of humanoid shape. Trying and failing.”
I was still holding onto his forearms in a death grip, and kept holding on when he moved his hands down to my thighs. He stared up at me with so much emotion that it was almost overwhelming. I wanted to look away, but forced myself to hold his gaze.
“That was really melodramatic and very descriptive,” he said, and an unexpected laugh pushed its way out of me, making him smile a little.
Then he squeezed my thighs and said, “I don’t want you. I need you. I’ve always needed you. Whole, mangled, torn into pieces, I will take you however you are. You are the only thing in my life that’s ever been worth something. The only person I felt like I might not be able to live without. And every moment we were apart was not spent living, Gavin. Just surviving. The fact that I get a second chance with that boy—who is now a man that I care deeply about and want to see succeed more than I’ve wanted anything in my life—the fact that I get that, after thinking I’d never have you again, is almost surreal. I keep asking myself if any of this is real, but it is. I promise you, it is.”
Beck stood up, forcing me to let go of his arms, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet. He tugged me even closer, until his arms were around me, his hand gently guiding my cheek to his shoulder. I felt him nuzzle against my head, and then he whispered, “I’m the sky and you’re the stars, remember? It’s my job to hold you up and let you shine. So let me do my job, baby.”
I would let him do whatever he wanted, as long as he kept me.