Chapter 28
28
GAVIN
“ Y ou’re a fucking asshole,” Beck panted, and the way his chest moved, all those muscles rising and falling as he struggled to breathe, was fucking mesmerizing.
“Yeah, but I’m your asshole,” I rasped, my throat feeling a little worse for wear after sucking Beck’s dick for twenty minutes.
Off and on, because I wasn’t letting him come just yet. Or…he was letting me not let him.
I wiped the saliva off my chin as Beck stared down at me. Well, glared down at me. But the possessive glint in his eyes as he brushed his fingers through my hair had heat curling through my stomach.
“Yeah, you are,” he said softly. His fingers tightened in my hair. “And now I’m gonna fuck my asshole.”
Despite the jolt of electric heat that shot through my cock, I said, “Do you wanna rephrase that, though?”
Beck’s lips quirked in amusement, but he doubled down. “No. I’m gonna fuck my asshole.”
“Yeah but when you say it like that?—”
“Get up, princess.” He tugged at my hair, and like there was a direct line to my cock and balls, a swift and intense buzz of pleasure zapped through me. I moaned and squeezed my fingers around his hips, but when I tried to lean forward and press my face into his groin, he held me back.
“Beck,” I groaned, needing to be closer.
His fingers brushed against my lips, and when he said, “Open,” I fucking opened. He slid two fingers along my tongue, a slow glide to the back of my throat as I closed my lips around them. I shut my eyes and moaned at what he was giving me, wanting to reach between my legs and stroke my aching cock.
But Beck wouldn’t let me.
“How can a mouth as rough as yours be so fucking soft?” he murmured, and I watched his face as he watched his fingers moving in and out. Instead of grabbing onto my own cock, I wrapped my hand around his. He bucked, then slid his fingers from my mouth to cup my jaw.
“You want my cock?” he asked, voice rough and low.
I nodded.
“Say please, princess,” he rasped, blue eyes burning as he stared down at me.
I swallowed hard and said nothing. I loved the fight. Loved the way he gave me what I wanted even if I defied him. Because he wanted it too.
Beck’s lips curved up at the corners, and then he let go of my face and grabbed my arms, spinning me around and shoving me to my stomach. He dropped on top of me and straddled my ass, his cock digging right between my cheeks, and the feel of him surrounding me so completely had me groaning into the carpet.
He rolled his hips and palmed the nape of my neck, holding me down even though I wasn’t trying to get up. “I’ll give you what you want when you tell me you’re mine,” he murmured in my ear. He kept thrusting against me, slow pumps that were destroying my sanity as his dick slid between my cheeks and rubbed along my hole. When he grabbed my hair in a rough hold and pulled, I arched my back and pressed into him as hard as I could, moaning shamelessly. He pulled himself off me abruptly and I heard him say, “Fuck,” as I reached back for him, needing him on me again.
“I’m yours,” I choked out, grinding into the floor. “Yours, yours, yours, please, Beck, please ,” I begged, hating the cool air slipping between us now. He still had his hand in my hair, and I could hear him breathing hard. I heard the pop of a cap, then felt his fingers, slick with lube, as he rubbed them down my crease and slipped two inside me. My breath hitched, and then my eyes rolled back, an inferno of ecstasy burning through me as he fucked his fingers in and out of my hole. He used his knees to spread my legs wider, moving my thighs up, making me arch my back even more, opening me to him completely.
I wasn’t sure I was breathing. Being so exposed like this, just for Beck, knowing how much he liked it, made me dizzy every single time.
“That’s right, baby. You’re mine.” Beck let go of my hair and dragged his hand down my back, pumping his fingers in a slow, excruciating rhythm that had me whimpering in frustration. “I need you to breathe, Gavin,” he said.
How was I supposed to breathe when he kept curling his fingers and brushing them over my prostate? I could feel the drool dripping from the side of my mouth, completely lost in what he was doing with his fingers.
And then he stopped moving inside me and said, “Breathe, baby.” His big hand rubbed across my shoulder blades, catching on my shirt. I cracked my eyes open and dragged in a shaky breath, then another. “Good, just like that. You listen so well sometimes,” he said, his tone tinged with amusement.
I was about to say fuck you, Beck , but he started moving his fingers again, and all I could do was moan. And then his fingers were gone, there was the sound of foil ripping, and my cock was leaking precum knowing he was about to fuck me.
Beck moved over me, pressing his chest to my back, and lined himself up at my entrance. He wrapped his hands around my wrists, bit the shell of my ear, then said softly, “Now I’m gonna fuck my asshole.”
I wanted to fucking laugh at how ridiculous he was being. “You—” He cut me off and I started to groan as he forced his way inside, taking every bit of oxygen from my lungs while I shuddered beneath him. I was thoroughly pinned, completely surrounded by Beck as he filled me with his cock, and I’d never felt more complete.
Every thought fled my mind as he started to fuck me at a punishing pace, his fingers curling around mine and squeezing, his pants and grunts spurring on my own arousal. There was no room to move, Beck made sure of that, so I had to just take what he gave me.
“Are you gonna make a mess for me, princess? I want you to come all over yourself without touching your cock,” he growled.
I was so keyed up that his rough voice in my ear and the feel of his cock driving in and out of me, hitting my prostate with every thrust, had the mounting pressure exploding in a starburst of euphoria. I clenched around him, over and over again as cum erupted from my dick, pooling in the carpet and sliding over my stomach as Beck drove into me. He bit the back of my neck as he groaned and shoved himself as deep as he could go, and the feel of his hot cum through the condom had me moaning beneath him.
“Fuck, I didn’t think you’d actually do it,” he panted. “That’s so fucking hot.” He kissed my cheek, staying on top of me, staying inside me, keeping his hands on mine.
I wanted to lie here forever. I wanted to die like this, wrapped up in Beck for eternity.
And then his words registered, and I whispered, “Fuck you, Beck.” I was so exhausted, even though he was the one that had done all the work, and speaking was too much effort when I could barely even breathe.
He laughed against my cheek, then nuzzled it with his nose. “Maybe one of these days,” he murmured.
And then his next words devastated me.
They were words we’d said often to each other, when we were kids. Words that never lost their meaning no matter how many times we said them. Words we meant with every fiber of our little beings. Words I hadn’t heard from him in ten years.
“I love you, Gavin,” he said softly.
I hadn’t realized just how badly I’d been needing those words until he said them again.
I was cracked open, like he’d positioned a chisel on my heart and struck his hammer down in the strongest blow he could muster. Those words slid over the broken edges and tucked themselves inside, lodging in the deepest part of me.
“…what?” I said. It was more of an exhale than anything else, and when Beck gently cupped a hand beneath the cheek that was plastered to the carpet and tilted my head until his eyes could meet mine, I let myself get lost in all that endless blue.
He’d trapped me there, and did that mean he would keep me forever now?
“I love you,” he said again, and it hit just as hard as the first time. Harder. Because it wasn’t a mistake, he hadn’t misspoken. He’d said it again, repositioned the chisel and smashed that hammer down until the cracks running through me were innumerable. One more blow and the whole thing would shatter.
My voice sounded faraway when I asked, “Why?”
I wasn’t even forming real thoughts at this point. My entire body felt like there were tiny needles driving themselves through every inch of me, and I couldn’t decide if it felt good or bad. I truly couldn’t understand how he could love me after all that I’d done. And there were the beginnings of an anxious energy that I didn’t understand. It was Beck. He’d said these words to me before.
But…before. Before I’d ever called him names or tripped him in the halls. Before I’d made the worst choice of my life and shut him out. Before I let things get so out of control, before I ran so far from where I’d started that there was never any going back.
“Why,” he repeated, except he didn’t say it as a question. He brushed the hair back from my forehead as his eyes did a slow circuit of my face, pausing a few times to linger at a certain spot, and then made their way back to mine. “Well, it’s definitely not because of your tattoos,” he joked. When I didn’t laugh, when I just stayed silent, shaking beneath him, he kissed my cheek and said, “Because you’re you . Because I’ve never stopped loving you and I never will. Because under all the layers of protection you’ve covered yourself with, you’re good and generous and strong and brave and you’re letting yourself be all those things again. I looked up to you when we were kids. I still look up to you now, because even with everything you’ve been through, you never stopped fighting. You might think you did, and maybe consciously you made the choice to. But there is a part of you that never once stopped. So…I love you for everything you were, everything you are, and everything you’re choosing to be.”
With every word he spoke, with every blow of that hammer, something else began to stir.
Something familiar. Something heavy. Something that would take control for me, let me move to the back and just watch.
And then…there it was.
All that senseless rage that lived inside me.
It wasn’t gone. It was just lying in wait.
It rose without warning, without explanation, and took over my entire system. Heated my blood and coated my mind in its toxic sludge.
Because nothing could ever be easy with me.
“Get off me,” I said softly. There was a current of angry energy under my skin that was growing with every second, until I couldn’t even wait for him to do what I said. I shoved up from the floor, dislodging him from my ass and my back, then got to my feet. I felt like I had a hundred live wires sparking in my veins.
“Gavin, I?—”
The look I shot at Beck stopped whatever words were about to join the others and try to raze me to the ground completely.
I truly hated myself, in that moment. I hated the shock and sadness in his eyes. I hated that I couldn’t control this vicious part of myself that was hell-bent on ruining my life and the lives of the people around me.
I wasn’t even mad at Beck. Of course I wasn’t. I guessed this anger was all for me. It was the remnants of scars that would take a lifetime to heal. A thousand lifetimes.
A bitter resignation wound around my bones, and I grabbed my pants off the floor, shoving my legs through them. “I need to be alone,” I told him, not wanting to hurt him anymore than I already had, not able to tell him what was happening.
I did need to be alone. I needed to rid myself of whatever the fuck this was because I didn’t want it . I didn’t want to be this person. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
Because maybe then he would realize he’d given his love to the wrong person.
Everything was fine, it was fine ! I was making progress, convincing myself I could actually pull myself up and out of the hell my dad had thrown me in. I was happier than I’d been in years , trying harder than I ever had in my life.
I yanked the door open and stalked down the hall, turned the corner, moved through the dark kitchen without turning the lights on, and unlocked the back door. The motion light kicked on as soon as I stepped outside, and I took in the longest, deepest breath I could and held it. When I let it go, it fogged around my face and drifted lazily toward the sky.
It was quiet out here. The bugs were all gone because it was early November and temperatures were dropping more with each passing day. The cold air was a balm for all my worthless anger. I sat heavily in one of the chairs on the patio and stared into the darkness.
I didn’t deserve someone like Beck. I didn’t deserve his love. He didn’t deserve to be shackled with an unstable piece of shit that couldn’t even control his anger.
“Fuck,” I whispered, setting my forearms on the table and resting my head on top of them. The iron was freezing and felt amazing. I wished I could freeze off all this wretched anger that I didn’t fucking want anymore.
Beck loved me. He loved me. So why— why —was I fucking angry about that? Why did that have to be my first response?
But wasn’t anger a secondary emotion? So what was I really feeling? Fear? Self-loathing? Despair at the person I’d become? Frustration that I couldn’t fully burn away the years spent treating other people like shit because I was hurting?
Beck loved me, and I loved him right back. I’d never stopped loving him, either. And I never would.
I needed to go back in there and fucking apologize to him. I needed to explain what had just happened with me. I honestly hadn’t been able to tell him, in that moment. When the anger got like that, when there was another person around, all it wanted to do was lash out. To unleash itself on that person until none of it remained. If I had been alone, if it didn’t have someone to latch onto, it would have fizzled and died without hurting anyone.
Like it was doing right now.
Beck could usually stop my anger in its tracks, but when it was that intense…nothing could stop it.
I closed my eyes and prayed I could somehow, some way, finally work myself free of the worst parts of myself. That I could let myself believe I deserved good things.
That I deserved Beck.
Even when I didn’t feel very deserving at all.
“Gavin.”
Beck.