Chapter 29
29
BECK
I supposed a reaction like that was inevitable. Overdue, even. I’d just hoped that things had gotten better to the point that it wouldn’t happen.
And it fucking hurt, when he looked at me with all that nasty anger again. It really fucking hurt. Especially when I just laid my heart at his feet. But of course his first reaction was to stomp all over it. It was going to take longer than a few weeks or months for him to learn how to curb his stronger emotions.
With a weary sigh, I got up and took the condom off, threw it in the trash, cleaned up Gavin’s cum, then sat on the edge of the bed.
We’d gotten a new frame the same day we broke it. A steel frame.
That had been a good fucking day.
Today was a good fucking day, too. I didn’t know if he was truly mad at me, if I’d caught him off guard, or if he was scared to hear someone say those words to him and mean them.
But these past few weeks with him had been more than I could have ever hoped for. I’d never seen anything more remarkable than watching Gavin bloom once he was brought into the sun, and I could see in his eyes how happy he was.
He deserved to be happy. He deserved that.
Yeah, I was scared that he would do exactly what he’d just done, but he’d been so honest with me and with himself for long enough that I thought maybe he was past all that. Maybe he’d gotten through that dark tunnel and was stretching his wings in the light now.
But there were more tunnels ahead, and I had to accept that he would have moments like these again. I wanted to be able to help him through those moments. I wished there was some way to reach him when he got like this. Maybe he didn’t need me to reach him. Maybe he really did just need to be alone, to cool off on his own.
But fuck, I did not want to leave him alone right now.
I stood up and grabbed some sweats and a hoodie, put them on, then went in search of Gavin.
The entire house was dark—it was past midnight, and Anya was probably asleep. I turned on a lamp in the family room, but he wasn’t there. And because there was a light hum of anxiety buzzing through me, I went to check the front door.
It was still locked, thank Christ.
I rubbed a hand through my hair and headed to the kitchen. The only light was the glow of the clocks on the stove and microwave, and when I reached the back door, when I looked out the glass and saw Gavin sitting at the table with his head on his arms, I let out a harsh breath and felt all my muscles relax.
He didn’t look up when I opened the door. Didn’t move even when the light turned on. I approached him slowly, not really knowing what to expect. All I wanted to do was wrap myself around him and tell him everything would be okay, but I didn’t know what he wanted right now. What he needed. If he’d shove me away or not.
“Gavin,” I said quietly. I could see my breath fogging around me, could feel the cold stone beneath my feet. I wanted to bring him back to bed, to warm him up. Inside and out.
Gavin turned his head at my voice, and when he looked at me, his eyes were full of misery. I was at his side in three steps, crouching next to him and holding onto the edge of the table when all I wanted to do was hold onto him.
“Hey,” I said softly, taking in all that awful sorrow reflecting back at me. I wanted to kiss it away, if he’d let me.
“Hey,” he said in a glum tone.
“It’s kinda cold out here,” I said, giving him a small smile. His eyes cut down to my mouth, then slowly trailed back up to mine, flicking briefly to my birthmark.
“Yeah. Kinda,” he said dully.
“It’s kinda warm inside.”
“Beck, you’re too good for me,” he whispered, too consumed by whatever he was feeling to keep it in any longer, to talk about anything else.
So that was it. He didn’t feel deserving.
I crept closer to him and set my hand on his thigh. He let me keep it there. “Do you know why I call you princess, princess?”
He shook his head, the slightest movement as he kept resting it on his arms.
“Honestly, I did it to piss you off at first,” I started. That earned me a scoff. “But now…it’s because I want to kneel at your feet and worship you for as long as you’ll let me. It’s okay if you don’t feel good enough right now. You’re good enough for me. And, Gavin,” I said, squeezing his thigh. His eyes were glittering in the light, flickering like the stars above his head. “I’m not something you need to earn. What I feel for you is unconditional, okay? That means that no matter what, I will love you. I am willingly giving you my love. It’s free, baby. There’s nothing you need to do to earn it. Do you trust me?”
He nodded without hesitation.
“Then trust me when I say that you are worthy of everything . Your dad’s lies are not your truth. He dug himself deep, I know that, and it’s gonna take time to drag him out, I know that too. But one way or another, we are going to get rid of him until you are left with just yourself again. Just you. And baby, there is nothing more beautiful than you.”
Gavin finally raised his head off his arms and shifted toward me. He put his hands on my shoulders and leaned forward until our foreheads were touching, until the only stars in sight were in his eyes.
“You are the only reason I’m still here right now,” he said softly. “I stayed because you stayed. Wherever you are is the only place I ever want to be because you are everything to me, Beck. You always have been.”
It felt like he was telling me he loved me without saying the actual words, and that had warmth spreading through every inch of me. I slid my arms around his back as he slipped off the chair and kneeled between my legs. When he dropped his head into the crook of my neck and wrapped his arms around me, I threaded my fingers into his hair.
You’re the only reason I’m still here right now. I stayed because you stayed.
I knew he meant that if I hadn’t found him, he would’ve just kept on drifting aimlessly through life and drowning his feelings of worthlessness in alcohol, and his words were hard to hear. But I wanted his honesty more than anything and would never make him feel bad when he shared it with me. In these moments, he was choosing to peel away the past and let me in, and there was nothing more important.
“I’m sorry for everything I ever said to you. Everything I did to you. I’m so sorry, Beck. You never deserved to have me treat you like that, no matter what I was going through.” His whispered words were muffled in the fabric of my hoodie, but it didn’t lessen their impact. “And I’m sorry I got so angry, I don’t even know why I was mad. It just fucking happened, and…” He didn’t say anything else, just started trembling in my arms. I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or the intense emotions running through him, maybe both.
“I know you’re sorry,” I said, pressing a kiss to his head. “I know. It’s okay. But you didn’t deserve what your dad did to you, either. And I know you don’t want to tell me, which is fine because that’s your choice and I won’t press it, but I want you to know that I’m right here if you ever decide to share some of that burden with me. Now you’re in a place where you have the freedom and the support to choose a path that will make you happier with yourself. Proud of yourself, even. Okay?”
He nodded, then let out a shaky breath. I stroked a firm hand down his back, running my fingers over the divots in his spine.
“I don’t know if you’ve thought about this, Gavin, but I have. The only person you’ve hurt in the past two years—since your dad left you—is yourself. I think that the more time passes, you’ll find that you don’t even want to do that anymore. I think you could be happy. With me, if that’s what you want. You need to know that you’re allowed to feel your emotions. You’re allowed to be angry or sad or happy. I will never hold that against you, ever. Not even when you get overwhelmed like you did just now. I’m proud of you for doing what you felt was necessary in that moment. For leaving the room to cool down. I see how hard you’re trying and I’m so, so proud of you.”
His hands were fisted in the back of my sweatshirt, clenching tight, and when he turned his head and pressed a small kiss to my neck, my insides completely melted. Fuck, I was so gone for him.
I squeezed him tight and said, “I think we should go back inside, it’s seriously cold as shit out here.”
Gavin huffed against my skin, warming it with his breath. “Yeah.”
After we were back in the room, after we’d cleaned ourselves up and were settled in bed, clinging to each other like the entire world was tilting, I said again, “I love you, Gavin.”
He tensed in my arms, then relaxed, so I continued. “I’ve always loved you. And when I lost you…I lost the best part of myself.”
I could see my reflection in his eyes, the only place I belonged. Gavin slid his hand over my naked chest, brushing his fingers through the smattering of hair until he splayed his hand over my heart. “Me, too,” he said softly.
I stroked his cheek and said, “I lost my best friend. I lost everything. You are everything , and I lost you.”
Gavin ran his fingers through my chest hair, plucking gently at the curls as he listened to me with a solemn expression.
I quietly finished what I needed to say. What I needed him to hear. “I won’t lose you again. I won’t let anyone take you from me, and I won’t ever let you take yourself from me. Not when I’ve finally found you again.”
His lips parted, a soft sigh falling from them. He looked into my eyes and said, “Then don’t lose me, Becky.” He leaned in, brushed his nose against mine, then gave me the softest kiss. When he drew back, it was only to tuck his head under my chin and wrap himself around me even more.
As sleep pulled me away and dragged me under, I thought I heard him whisper into my skin, “I love you, too.”
On Sunday, I asked Gavin to go to the store and pick up some chips. Out of everything I’d tried to convince him to do these past few months, that was, without a doubt, the hardest.
“Why do I need to go? Why can’t we go together?” he asked, scowl in place.
Because it’s your fucking birthday and Anya and I need to set shit up .
I was pretty sure he’d either forgotten it was his birthday or was deliberately not bringing it up. Both options tugged at my heart.
I thought he would jump at the chance to have a few moments to himself, some freedom and time away from me. I was very, very wrong.
“Because I think it would be good for you to get out on your own, don’t you? It’s just a quick trip to the store.” I tried to be nonchalant, but honestly, I was extremely nervous to send him out by himself. What if he ran into someone who recognized him? Fuck, most of this town knew who he was. What if they gave him a hard time and I wasn’t there, like with what happened with Jamie? What if he got scared? What if he had a panic attack? There were so many things that could go wrong, but ultimately, this was something he needed to be able to do. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life inside our house or the gym.
Anya had spent the entire day yesterday baking and frosting a cake for him while we were at work, then had hidden it in the mini fridge in her room. She got decorations and balloons—I’d told her not to, but she took all my orders as suggestions—and wanted to have a whole-ass mini party for him with just the three of us.
“Yeah, but…” he trailed off, biting his bottom lip. He wasn’t scowling anymore. Now he just looked anxious, and my heart tripped at that.
I stepped in front of him and took his face in my hands. “It’ll be okay,” I said. “You’ll have your phone, and if anything happens, you can call me. Okay? If anyone says something to you, just ignore them and walk away. This’ll be good for you, Gavin. It’s a nice walk, less than a mile. You can do this.”
He reached up and held onto my wrists, his eyes uncertain. But there was a determination underneath it that made my chest swell with pride.
“Fine,” he said, thumbs brushing on the underside of my wrists. “Do you have headphones I can borrow so I can listen to music?”
I smiled and kissed him. “Yeah, princess. I’ve got some headphones.”
After he’d gone, I pulled Anya down on the couch with me to have a necessary conversation.
“So, Gavin and I are…Gavin is very special to me, and…” I cleared my throat. I had never needed to have a conversation like this with her before, and I wasn’t sure how she would take it. “We’re?—”
“You guys are boning. Yeah, I know,” she said, raising a brow at me. The small smile on her face told me she didn’t give two shits, either. “You are soooo obvious. And besides, I could tell you cared about him from the first day you brought him home. You’re such a mother hen around him, I’d be embarrassed for you if it wasn’t so adorable. He’s like a feral cat you nursed back to sanity. It’s fine, B.” She patted my arm reassuringly. “You can tell me anything, you know. This is a no judgment zone.”
I was relieved she already knew, but I needed to be absolutely sure she was comfortable with it. “You don’t care? You don’t mind that he’s—I mean, living here for good now, I guess. It’s okay with you?”
Anya rolled her eyes at me. “Duh, doofus. He’s so sweet and cute, I’m glad he’s here.”
“Sorry, you do know we’re talking about Gavin, right?” Sweet and cute? I mean, cute, yeah. But sweet? Fuck no.
She laughed, then punched me in the shoulder and said with faux anger, “I wish you’d told me about him sooner. Why’d you never talk about him, huh? If he was such an important part of your life? If you loved him so much?”
I sighed and sat back. “Because it’s not a time in my life I like to think about or talk about. And I really thought I’d lost him.”
“Well, now you’ve got him again. So you treat my grouchy new bro right, you hear me, bro?” She made a face like she’d tasted something disgusting and said, “Ew, that makes it sound like you guys are brothers that are boning. I’m literally never going to say that again. In fact, the word ‘brother’ is now banned from this house.”
“I thought this was a no judgment zone,” I said with a wry smile.
“Yeah. But there are some things that merit judgment. ‘Bro’ is banned too.”
“What about ‘bruh’?”
“All the variations are henceforth banned,” she decreed. “Now, if we’re done here, I have some bomb-ass decs I need to put up. Oh, Sara’s coming over, by the way.”
“Great. I’ll hide the coffee and Twix.”
Anya cackled and ran upstairs to get the supplies.
By the time Gavin walked through the front door, Anya had transformed the family room into a ridiculously overdecorated mess. There were streamers everywhere, confetti all over the ground—she’d insisted on it and told me she would vacuum it up later—about twenty balloons, a huge Happy Birthday banner strung above the entryway, and a pile of perfectly wrapped presents strewn across the couch.
Gavin was going to hate it.
I was waiting right inside the door for him because I wanted to mentally prepare him for the hell he was walking into. Anya and Sara were upstairs, where I’d told them to wait in case Gavin didn’t take it well and needed privacy.
When the door opened, he startled at me standing right there, then looked up into my eyes with a huge smile. “Miss me much?”
My breath hitched at the unfiltered happiness on his face, and I dragged him into my arms, making him drop the bag in his hand. His arms came around me as my eyes welled with unexpected tears, and then he started stroking a hand up and down my back.
“What’s the matter?” he mumbled into my neck.
“Nothing’s the matter,” I said softly, squeezing him tighter before letting him go. I brushed his hair off his forehead and placed a kiss there. When I drew back, he was staring into my eyes with a vibrance I never thought I’d see again. “Happy birthday, baby,” I said.
His smile faltered. “What? No, it’s—” He looked down at my chest. “Is it?” When he raised his eyes to mine again, they were sad. Almost wary.
Fuck. All I wanted was for him to be happy, and I kept saying and doing things that caught him off guard. I’d just wanted to celebrate this day with him because I didn’t think anyone had done that for him in a long, long time. But I felt like a bumbling idiot, feeling my way around in the dark and constantly knocking things over.
I kept my fingers in his hair, kept stroking him, and said, “Yeah. It is. I’m sorry if you?—”
Gavin shoved at my chest—not hard, almost playfully, but there was a hint of something darker in his eyes that told me it wasn’t all play. “Say it again. I dare you, Beck.”
My blood began to heat, a familiar rush of excitement coursing through me at the look he was giving me. His chest was moving faster, and when he pushed me again, heat flooded my balls.
“Yeah?” I said softly, stepping closer, crowding him. He pushed his chest into mine. “That’s what you want, princess?”
His eyes were dark with need as they bored into mine, and I could feel his hard length against my own. “Fuck you, Beck,” he whispered, the smallest smile on his lips.
I grabbed the front of his hoodie and slammed him against the wall before he could react, slotting my knee between his legs and rubbing my thigh on his cock. He moaned and dropped his head back against the wall, eyes glittering through the slits they’d become, and rolled his hips against my thigh. Then I pulled him forward, catching him off balance so he had to grab onto my biceps, and pressed my thigh even harder against his swollen shaft. He dropped his face into my neck and started making desperate, needy little sounds that burst out of him in time with every exhale. His hips were moving mindlessly now, and my own cock was hard as steel as he used my thigh to get himself off.
It was fucking heady knowing I could get him turned on past the point of reason this quickly. I felt absolutely drunk with the knowledge.
I pressed my lips to his ear and said, “That’s it, baby. I want you to make a mess all over me. Do you know how fucking sexy you are when you get like this? It makes me want to bend you over something and fuck into you until you’re full of my cum.” I slid my fingers into his hair and yanked his head back, my balls sparking with heat and drawing up at the flush in his cheeks, his parted lips. His eyes started rolling back when I pulled harder, and I slotted my mouth over his to muffle him when he started to moan too loud. The stifled sounds he made as he kissed me back were even more desperate, even more needy, even more intoxicating, and when he came against my thigh, thrusting into me with a moan that shifted into a whine halfway through, my own orgasm had me throwing a hand against the wall behind him as my legs started to shake.
“Fuck,” I panted, dragging my lips across his jaw and down his neck as ecstasy rocked through me. I sucked on his Adam’s apple, then bit it gently.
Gavin bucked against me. “Fuck, Beck,” he rasped, his fingers flexing on my arms. “God, your thighs are…Jesus.”
I laughed and lifted my head to slot my lips against his, kissing him slowly. He moaned softly, his hands sliding up to my shoulders, then my neck, thumbs brushing my jawline.
Something powerful sang quietly in my soul, something I’d never felt before. It was like there was a glowing, pulsing light—brighter than any supernova—that emitted a serenity so pure it was as if some higher energy had taken it from their being and placed it there.
“Becky?” Gavin mumbled against my lips. His fingertips were soft against my cheeks, gentle as he pushed my head back. His eyes moved back and forth between mine, searching, and then he seemed to find what he was looking for. His expression eased into something affectionate. Tender. As if he could feel that pulsing, glowing light too. “I’m glad you found me,” he whispered.
I kissed his nose, then cradled the back of his head and drew him into me, resting my cheek in his hair. “Me too, princess.”
Me fucking too.
After Gavin and I got cleaned up, we called the girls down to properly celebrate his birthday. I couldn’t stop staring at him because he was blushing so damn much at all the attention. But then he would scowl or grumble or glare, and I couldn’t hold in my laugh, so he’d aim that glare right at me.
It went straight to my cock every time.
He dropped his head into his hands when Anya brought out the cake and started singing the Happy Birthday song, then groaned when Sara and I joined in. But when he saw the cake and what Anya had written, his features softened, he laughed, shook his head, and thanked her for it.
Happy Birthday Big Bro #2, it said. 25, Wow You’re Old As Shit . There were so many words they were all squished together.
I looked at her and raised my brows. She shrugged and said, “I made it before our talk.”
Anya had gotten him a really nice set of blue knit gloves with a matching hat and scarf, and then some gag gifts—jingle butts, which were Christmas ornaments shaped like butts, a tin box of “gum” that snapped your finger when you tried to take a piece, and a pen that zapped you when you clicked it—but her favorite was the whoopee cushion. Gavin just tossed it at her while she laughed and said, “I thought your dinner chair needed a cushion, all that hard wood isn’t good for the butt.” Then she realized exactly how that sounded, made eye contact with Sara, and both of them burst into excessive laughter that left them wheezing and slapping at each other.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Gavin said in disgust. But there was a smile twitching at his lips.
“Gavin,” I said. When he looked over at me, I stood up and gestured for him to follow me. He arched a brow, but got up and took the hand I held out for him. I led him through the kitchen to the back door, and when we were out on the patio, I said, “Wait here.”
“Okay…” he said slowly.
I went around the side of the house and grabbed the telescope Anya had helped me put together. Fine, she put it all together while I told her how great she was doing.
When Gavin looked over and saw it, his brows scrunched together in confusion.
“Happy birthday, baby,” I said, setting it down beside the table. I pulled the document from my back pocket, unfolded it, and handed it to him. He took it and read what was written on it.
When he looked back up at me, his eyes were glistening with tears. “You bought me a star? Like a real fucking star ? In fucking space ?”
I huffed a laugh, feeling a little nervous because I wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, if it was a stupid gift. “Yeah, but we’ll have to wait until tonight to s?—”
Gavin made a strangled sound, then flung himself into my arms—literally jumped on me, wrapped his arms around my neck, and locked his legs around my waist, squeezing so hard it felt like an anaconda had just coiled itself around me. I let out a harsh breath at the impact and stumbled back a step, but quickly found my footing, cupping his ass and hugging him tight.
“I guess you like it, huh?” I said, giving his ass a squeeze as he pushed his forehead against mine.
“How are you real?” he whispered. “I honestly think I died and this is my version of heaven because you’re too good for this world, Beck.”
“I’m very real, and so is the fact that you’re too heavy to hold like this for long,” I said, earning me a puff of warm breath against my lips as he laughed. He kissed me— hard —then let his legs fall to the ground. I definitely didn’t let go of his ass, though, and he kept his arms locked tight around my neck as he stared up into my eyes with so much?—
Love. It was, without a doubt, that pulsing, glowing light of love.
“Becky,” he murmured, plucking at the curls at the nape of my neck. “I?—”
The back door burst open, making both of us jump, and when I looked up, Anya was racing toward me with a horrified expression that I knew was very, very real. It filled me with a dread so profound it was like ice had replaced the blood in my veins.
“Beck,” she said, glancing between me and Gavin. “The cops are here. I didn’t know—I didn’t—nobody rings the bell anymore and I thought maybe it was Mrs. Grady or something, so I just opened the door and—they said they need to speak with Gavin.” She looked as terrified as I felt. “They’re waiting on the porch and—” She pressed herself into Gavin’s back, trying to wrap her arms around both of us, as if she could protect him from the world.
Gavin stilled. I felt every muscle tense against my own and I couldn’t feel him breathing anymore. A small sound of anguish escaped his throat.
It absolutely gutted me.
“Did they say why they need to talk to him, Anya?” I tried to stay calm, because I could feel Gavin was on the verge of breaking down. He’d started trembling against me, uncontrollable tremors that were violently rattling against my soul.
“They wouldn’t tell me,” she said into Gavin’s back. “They said it was really serious and that if he didn’t come out there, then they would be back with a warrant and maybe have to use force.”
Jesus fucking Christ, what in the fuck was happening?
“Okay. Okay, Anya, I want you to take Sara and go upstairs to your room. Do not argue with me on this.”
I heard her sniffle, then she whispered, “Okay.” She reluctantly let go of Gavin and ran back into the house.
“Hey,” I said, moving my hands to Gavin’s upper arms. He lifted his head and looked up at me with wide, fearful eyes, and my first instinct was to hide him away somewhere, a place no one would ever be able to find him.
But I couldn’t do that.
I cupped his cheeks in my hands as he gripped the front of my shirt in his trembling fingers. “No matter what happens, no matter what they want, I’m going to help you through this, okay? Maybe it’s a mistake or they just need something cleared up. All right? Let’s go see what they want.”
Gavin’s bottom lip quivered as tears welled in his eyes. My breath hitched sharply, devastation cutting through me. “Beck, don’t let them take me again. Please don’t let them take me,” he whispered, his voice raw with terror. “I didn’t do anything.”
I wrapped him in my arms and cupped the back of his head, looking up at the sky to try and force back the tears that were pricking at my eyes. “I know. I know you didn’t. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. I love you, baby. Come on, I’ll be right next to you.” I stepped back from him, taking his hand and pressing my lips to his palm, then pulling him toward the back door. I felt like I was dragging a zombie behind me as we walked through the house, like Gavin had started to check out, and every time I looked at him, his eyes were just fixed on our joined hands.
When we got to the front door, my heart was hammering so loudly it was all I could hear. My hand was shaking as I reached out to open it, and Gavin was standing behind me, clutching the back of my sweatshirt so hard I thought he would rip the material.
There were two Gardiner police officers right across the threshold—a man and a woman.
The man was tall, middle-aged, and a little overweight, his younger female partner standing to his right and slightly behind him. His brown eyes were trained on Gavin, still partially hidden by my body, and I didn’t miss the curl of his lip, the brief flash of disgust in his eyes. He said, “Gavin Forster?”
I tried to sound confident as I said, “What’s going on?”
He ignored me and said, “Gavin Forster, we’re placing you under arrest, so please step forward.”
“What? Why?” I sputtered, completely baffled as ice slid down my spine. “Why is he under arrest? He hasn’t done anything!”
The woman shifted her stance, her hand resting on the butt of her gun or a taser, I couldn’t tell, and said, “Sir, please remain calm. Mr. Forster is a suspect in a very serious crime and will need to come with us.”
“What exactly is the crime? Because he’s been with me for three months and hasn’t done a single thing wrong!” I was vibrating with anger, but I knew there wasn’t anything I could do in this situation.
The male officer shifted on his feet, and I could see in his eyes that his patience had started just above empty and was quickly running out. “Don’t make this harder for yourself. You’re already in a lot of trouble, and resisting arrest isn’t the way to go here.”
I heard Gavin’s choppy breaths, and my heart started racing. If he had a panic attack right now, when the cops were taking him away, I had no fucking clue what would happen. “Hey,” I said to him. “Listen to me. Breathe. It’s okay. You’re okay.”
The officer started to move, but I turned my head and said beseechingly, “ Please . Please just give me thirty seconds, and then he’ll go with you. Okay?”
He spat on the ground and said nothing, but stopped moving.
“Gavin,” I said, quickly turning around and framing his face as terror swirled in my chest. “Don’t fight them. Don’t fight anyone. Just do what they say and don’t talk to a single one of them until my lawyer gets there. Okay? You’re gonna be okay. I promise. I promise . I’m gonna get you out. Just be brave for me. I know you can be brave for me. I love you so much and I’m not gonna let them keep you in there. Okay?”
Gavin was wheezing now, and the male officer’s patience was gone. “Step out of the house, Mr. Forster.”
“Hey. Look at me. Breathe, baby.” Gavin’s eyes were pinging between mine, wider than I’d ever seen them. “I’m getting you out of this. You’ll have to go with them right now, but I fucking promise I’m getting you out of this, okay?”
I didn’t want to let go of him, I didn’t want to hand him over to this piece of shit that had no compassion, but I had to. I fucking had to. I guided him out from behind my back, and just as he started to grab my forearm and say, “No, wait—” the male cop grabbed the back of Gavin’s hoodie and jerked him out of my arms, despite Gavin being bigger than he was.
“Don’t handle him like that, he’s not resisting!” I stepped forward, barely restraining myself from grabbing Gavin back. The rage that was building inside me was explosive and volatile, and I wanted to hurt this man.
I wanted to make him bleed.
Gavin was clutching his chest, struggling to breathe, and I stepped toward them again. The woman moved between me and Gavin and said, “Stay there. Don’t interfere with this.”
“He’s having a panic attack, can’t you fucking see that? Can you let me help him? Please! ”
Nobody answered me. The male cop got his cuffs out and yanked Gavin’s arms from his chest, pinning them roughly behind his back. I shoved my hands in my hair, tugging as hard as I could. The adrenaline was like fire in my veins, urging me to beat this cop bloody.
“Gavin. Look at me,” I said, staying right where I was when everything inside of me was screaming to go to him, to rock him through it. “Gavin. Please look at me,” I begged, and when his wild eyes finally landed on mine, lashes wet with tears, my entire throat closed up and a strangled sob was torn from my chest. “It’s gonna be okay. Breathe. Breathe for me. In and out. Yes, that’s it, just like that,” I said hoarsely as the first tear fell. “That’s good. You’re doing so good. Keep breathing.”
“Jesus Christ,” the male cop muttered, jerking Gavin around and away from me and shoving him toward the steps. He started dragging Gavin down the front steps once the cuffs were on him, and horror spiked through me as he almost tripped and fell headfirst onto the concrete walkway.
“Be careful with him, what the hell!” I cried, following them down the steps. I kept talking Gavin through his panic attack, talked over the female officer reciting his Miranda rights, and when they’d shut him into the backseat of their cruiser, I turned to the female officer and said desperately, “Why are you arresting him? What is he being charged with?”
“Breaking and entering, among other things. You can find out the rest at his arraignment. Until then, he’s being booked.” I stared at her in shock as she rounded the hood and got into the passenger seat.
I couldn’t see Gavin. He wasn’t at the window, and for all I knew, he was choking to death in the backseat, terrified and alone. When they pulled away and drove off, when the car turned right and disappeared, I knew, in that moment, what it was to be truly powerless.
I knew what it was to hate.