Chapter 32
32
GAVIN
B eck put his hand on my thigh once we were in the car, and I had my hand right on top of his.
Fuck, it felt so damn good to be next to him again. To feel his skin on mine.
As soon as those cops brought me out to the lobby, as soon as I saw him, I just wanted to break down and cry. It felt like I’d been in that holding cell for ten years, not less than a day.
I looked over at him now, my eyes catching on the strong lines of his jaw, that perfectly straight nose. His birthmark.
“What?” he said, not even glancing at me.
“Thanks for coming back for me,” I said hoarsely. I was so fucking thirsty.
He looked at me then, blue eyes flitting across my face before returning to the road. “I’ll always come back for you.” He said it with so much resolution that it reverberated through my bones. “Always, Gavin.”
In that simple moment—sitting beside him in his car, my hand on top of his, an errant ray of sunlight striking a thin line of golden fire across his hair—I knew, of all the things I’d done in my life, of all the many ways I’d fucked up, the only thing I ever did right was loving Beck. And he loved me back, for whatever reason.
I could no longer regret a past that never got the chance to happen. All the what ifs and maybes were second to the love that was pouring from my soul like a broken spigot, dumping endless amounts of it that had been stopped up over ten long years. It drowned those regrets, smothered them all into nothing. Silenced them for good.
“Anya’s gonna be really excited to see you,” Beck said. “She was…she’s been really upset. I let her stay home from school, so she’ll be there when we get back. She made your favorite. Made me take her to the store as soon as Jeff said you’d be getting bail set.”
I tipped my head back and closed my eyes when they started welling with tears. God, I was sick of crying. But knowing that someone cared enough about me to be upset over my absence, to make me foods I loved…fuck.
“I thought you’d be happy to have chicken parm, but I can tell her to make something else,” he joked. I opened my eyes, hurriedly wiped away the tears, and glared at him.
The smile he gave me was so boyish and warm that my heart did a whole fucking somersault in my chest. “Fuck off,” I said weakly. “How much was it?”
“What? The ingredients? You’re gonna have to ask her, because?—”
“No, the bail,” I said, studying his face now. I needed to know how much I had to pay him back.
“They didn’t tell you? It was free,” he said with a shrug.
This fucking guy.
They did tell me, but I was too busy crying my stupid fucking eyes out and worrying about the excessive amount of snot on my face as I stood in front of a judge to listen.
“Beck, you better tell me how much I owe you or I’ll?—”
“Or you’ll what? It’s free. For you, it’s free. There is no price I wouldn’t pay to make sure you’re safe. To make sure you’re where you belong.” His hand tightened on the steering wheel, and he gave me a look that was like a lightning bolt to the heart as he squeezed my thigh.
But still, I choked out, “I’m paying you back. Please, Beck.”
He kept his eyes on the road as he said, “I think you’ve paid enough for your dad’s abuse. Let me just do this for you. Okay? Just this once.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. My throat felt like it had completely closed up, and I turned my head to stare out the window. Beck’s hand moved higher up my leg, and I whipped my head around to look at him when his pinky finger brushed against my dick. There was a satisfied smirk on his face, and I knew he’d done it to distract me from my thoughts.
Motherfucker.
I took my hand off his and leaned over, cupping his cock through his pants before he could stop me. He shouted, the car jerking to the right, then back again. “You little shit,” he said huskily, and fuck me, his voice was practically licking my balls.
“Yeah but I’m your little shit,” I said with a smug smile. He was wearing actual pants today, not sweats. Black jeans that looked damn fine but made it harder to feel him. When I rubbed his thickening length, he let out a harsh breath and shifted on the seat. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to get my hand in a certain spot or get me off him, but I didn’t have any time to figure it out because his hand was now doing the exact same thing to me.
“Fuck,” I grunted, putting my free hand on top of his and pressing it into me even harder as I thrust up. I moaned when he squeezed my length, shots of pleasure making me bow over. “You’re gonna crash the car,” I panted, rubbing myself into his hand even harder.
“Then behave,” he warned, giving my cock another squeeze before pulling away. He grabbed the hand I still had on him and slid it down his thigh, then linked his fingers through mine and held it there.
The smile on his face burned away the final, lingering shreds of doubt that were still clinging to me; pieces of me that I was glad to see get whisked away and scatter in the breeze.
But I was even more glad to be going home.
After greeting Anya and getting the biggest, longest hug from her, Beck told her I needed some time to decompress and that we’d see her later for dinner.
When we got to his room, my need for him felt overwhelming, and I tried to grab the button of his tight black jeans, but he flipped me over and pushed me down onto the bed—which only ratcheted all that pent-up need even higher.
“I’m not fucking you when you smell like that goddamn place,” Beck growled, grabbing the nape of my neck and shoving my face into the bed. Good god, what his manhandling did to my cock was ridiculous.
“Fine, I’ll take a fucking…oh my god ,” I moaned as he pressed his hips against me and started grinding his hard cock up and down my crease, hitting my balls with every pass.
“You’ll take a what?” He started rolling his hips in a slow, erotic rhythm that made me moan. When his hand slid from the nape of my neck to my hair—on the side of my head because he was being mindful of the bump—and gripped it tightly, my eyes rolled back and I started grinding my dick into the bed, trying to get some friction, to ease the building pressure that was making it hard to breathe.
“You’ll take a what, baby?” His voice was right next to my ear, and then his hot, wet tongue was curling under the lobe, sucking it into his mouth as he bit down.
The intense pulse of lust that burst through my groin made me shout and practically convulse beneath him. “Fuck!” I gasped. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Shower. A shower.”
He stopped moving, letting go of his grip on my hair to brush it away from my face. “We could take a bath together,” he said, and the hesitance in his voice, the almost shy vulnerability, clamped around my heart.
“A…bath?”
I didn’t know what the fuck else to say, but the idea of being naked—completely fucking naked, skin on skin, nothing between us at all—didn’t scare me. Not in the least. It was the only thing I wanted, because I trusted Beck with every single part of myself. I trusted that he would handle all my broken pieces with the same tenderness he’d been using with me. I wanted to give him every part of me, and take every part of him. Just like we used to.
“Okay,” I said softly.
I heard his exhale, as if he was holding his breath, and when he groaned and put his full weight on me, smooshing his face into my hair and then raining little kisses across my face, I wanted to stay buried underneath him forever.
“God, I fucking love you,” he murmured, squeezing me so hard I grunted.
“I can’t breathe, you fucking elephant,” I wheezed. Beck’s laugh vibrated against my back, and then he was sliding off me and pulling me up, kissing me hard and stealing even more of my oxygen.
He could take it all and I’d gladly let him.
“Come on,” he said, grinning down at me.
Fuck, I loved him.
He led me out of his room to the basement door in the kitchen, flipped the light on, and kept hold of my hand as we walked down the carpeted steps.
“Is this when you finally murder me? Because I think maybe upstairs is a better option, it’s gonna be hard to get all that blood out of this white carpet.”
“Who says there’ll be any blood?” He smirked at me and kept tugging me toward a closed door on the right, past two concrete pillars and a huge L couch that was facing a box TV. When we got to the door and he opened it, my jaw almost hit the floor.
“Yeah. Thought you’d like that,” he said, drawing me into the enormous bathroom that had an insanely large jacuzzi tub. It looked pristine, just bright white everywhere. There were even two steps to get in.
“No fucking way,” I said, stepping toward the tub. When I glanced at Beck, he was grinning. I shoved at his chest. “You asshole, why the fuck were you holding out on me all this time? I could’ve gotten myself into this damn bath on my own with the cast. What the fuck, Beck.”
“I don’t think you could’ve gotten in and out on your own.”
“Yes I fucking could have!”
He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into his hard body, until I was looking up into a sea of endless blue. “No, you would have fallen and hurt yourself.” He kissed my nose as I pinched his butt, which only made him jerk his pelvis forward, his hard cock bumping into mine. “You’re too fucking violent, you know that? You need to learn how to use your words, baby.”
I pushed even closer to him. “Oh yeah? You gonna teach me, Becky? What words should I use?”
His smile was slow and predatory. “There’s only one word I want from you.”
I swallowed hard, clutching at his shirt.
“Say please, princess.”
I bit down hard on my bottom lip, and his eyes drifted to my mouth. He took one hand off my waist, bringing it up to tug my lip from between my teeth, pinching it lightly between his fingers. He slipped his thumb inside my mouth, pressing down on my tongue, and just when I was about to suck on it, he pulled his hand away. I groaned and pushed him back against the vanity, rutting into him and leaning forward to suck on his neck instead. He grunted and let me, just for a moment, then grabbed my arms and twisted them behind my back, holding them there.
I glared up at him and he laughed. “I have to get something from upstairs, but go ahead and start the water. You can keep your shirt on, if that’s what you need. I’ll just wash it along with every single inch of you.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead, making me practically melt against him, then set me gently back and let go of my arms.
After he left, I stood there for a moment, wondering if I should just keep my shirt on. But was I just never going to take my shirt off in front of him for the rest of my fucking life?
“Fuck this,” I muttered, dragging my shirt over my head, throwing it into the corner, then shoving my sweats off. I caught my reflection, even though I didn’t want to, and my stomach soured at the sight of my scars.
I could still feel the sting of the belt, sometimes. Especially when I looked at the damage it had done.
“Fuck you,” I whispered. “Fuck you .”
If I ever saw my dad again, I thought I might actually kill him. I hoped I never had to see him ever again, but with what he’d done, I knew I would have to.
I dragged my fingers through my hair, then walked to the bath and put the water on. I got in the tub and let it start filling up around me, the heat of the water helping ease some of the angry thoughts that kept flitting through my mind.
When Beck came back, he was holding a few towels and a shower caddy. He stopped when he saw me, surprise flickering in his eyes, but it quickly faded into a deep warmth tinged with happiness.
“Hey,” he said softly.
“Hey,” I said back, holding eye contact. Not wanting him to look anywhere else. Knowing it was inevitable, and that I should just rip the metaphorical bandaid off.
Beck set the towels on the counter, then placed the caddy on the edge of the tub. I watched hungrily as he pulled his shirt off—slowly, because he was a fucking tease—and when he unbuttoned his pants and started shoving them off his legs, boxers and all, my eyes were riveted to his hard cock, bobbing with his movements.
He swung a leg over the lip, stepping into the half-filled tub, then shouted when he felt how hot it was. “What the fuck!” I started laughing, and it was his turn to glare at me. “It doesn’t need to be that hot, Jesus Christ.” He turned the temperature down, then slowly brought his other leg in, hissing when it hit the water. “You’re trying to burn my dick off, aren’t you? I thought you fucking liked it.”
“Just get in already, you big baby.”
His eyebrows flew up. “Baby, huh?” He slowly sat down, trying to get used to it, and when he was close enough, he grabbed my calf and pulled me so hard I slid toward him, my upper body flying back into the scorching hot water. It was one thing to be sitting in it as it heated, gradually getting used to it, but to be plunged into it was like falling into a fucking fryer.
I splashed up, sputtering as boiling water fell from my mouth, then lunged at him, wrapping my arms around his chest and trying to pull him down.
I couldn’t, of course.
He played dirty and danced his fingers up my ribcage toward my armpits, and when I shouted, “Okay, stop!” he laughed and dragged me into him.
I didn’t realize his hands were on my back until I started to feel his fingers tracing one of the scars. He pressed his lips to my cheek and said softly, “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
All I could say was, “Yeah.”
“Come here,” he said, turning me and opening his legs, urging me to settle myself between them, to rest my naked back on his chest.
I did, but I didn’t realize I was holding myself so rigidly until he murmured, “Relax, baby.” I could feel his cock against my lower back, his long, thick legs bracketing mine as the tub finished filling with steaming water, his arms underneath mine and his hands rubbing up and down my chest.
I let myself relax until I was slumped against him, my head resting on his shoulder. I let my eyes slide shut, focusing on the feeling of him, his hands, his body, his love, surrounding me.
“I love you, Becky,” I whispered, turning my face into his neck. I felt the muscles of his arm flex beneath mine, and then he was squeezing me tight. “I think you’re the only person I’ve ever actually loved.”
The only person who’d ever made me feel worthy. Of anything.
Beck rubbed his cheek against the top of my head and said softly, “I love you too, Gavin.”
I felt him move, one of his arms slipping out from under mine. He came back with body wash and some kind of foam sponge. He poured the body wash on it, then soaped it up and started scrubbing it over my body.
He didn’t say anything while he cleaned every inch of me, slowly, softly, and when he got to my back, he said, “Lean forward, baby.”
I hesitated for just a moment, then leaned forward, resting my elbows on my thighs and staring down at the quietly bubbling water.
Beck was silent as he dragged the sponge across my back, gentle circles as if the wounds were still open, still bleeding, still hurt. I jumped when I felt his lips there, my heart pounding in my chest as he pressed soft, reverent kisses across my shoulders, my shoulder blades, then lower.
“When did he do this?” he whispered.
I couldn’t speak. He’d wrecked me with those gentle, reverent kisses, worshiping a part of me that I hated more than anything.
I didn’t want him to feel any more guilt than he already did—but I wanted Beck to know everything . Because he deserved to know.
He didn’t press me, didn’t ask the question again, just accepted my silence as if that’s what he’d expected. When he was done, he put the sponge away and pulled me back against him. It was quiet for a long time, neither of us saying anything, just touching each other as we sat there.
And then I started talking into all that silence, lulled by the warmth and security of Beck. Told him about the worst day of my life, confessed to him the part he hadn’t seen. I was glad he hadn’t been there. Glad he hadn’t witnessed the turning point, the beginning, the moment when I left the boy he knew behind and started to become the worst version of myself.
“So…the day you left, that was the day…that was when he did that. To my back.”
I felt him tense up, but then he started brushing his fingers across my chest, down my stomach, over my hips and back up again.
“He…after he got me in the car, he took me to the cabin in the Poconos. He said he needed to get it out of me before it fully took root. That he could still save me. That you had infected my mind but it wasn’t too late.”
I was glad I couldn’t see his face right now, because I felt like if I could see his reaction to my words, it might make me stop talking. I wanted him to know. I needed him to know, to have all my secrets, all my pain. I knew he would keep them safe.
“I was really scared,” I whispered, sliding my fingers over his thighs and gripping him tight. I cleared my throat and said, “He’d yelled at me before, I was used to that. But the hitting…he’d never done that before. And when he told me to take my shirt off and kneel, when I saw the belt in his hand, I started crying. I begged him not to do it, said I would be good, I wouldn’t ever do that again, but he…
“I thought it was normal, that everyone’s dad did the same thing. I mean, you knew him. You saw how he could get sometimes. How easy it was for him to get angry at things we didn’t understand at the time. And he told me every boy needed to be disciplined by their father, that it was going to help me become a strong man. He said you were like that because you didn’t have a dad to teach you right from wrong. But he’d never…hurt me like he did that day. And then he just kept on hurting me.”
I looked at Beck’s hands as they moved across my skin, watched the gentle swirl of his fingers. Those hands had never hurt me. Would never hurt me. I let my gaze wander slowly over the water, wondering why he wasn’t saying anything.
Did he find me weak now? Was he realizing he’d made a mistake in investing all this time into me? That I wasn’t worth it after all?
“Becky?” I said hesitantly.
He grunted, and it sounded almost raspy. Like a wounded animal. “Yeah, baby, I’m here,” he said in a strained voice.
I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“Do you still love me?” I asked.
His hands stopped moving and he answered me immediately. “I will never stop loving you, Gavin.” His voice was hoarse, thick, brimming with some strong emotion that started making my eyes prick. I felt his lips press against my head. “You are still the bravest person I’ve ever met. If I had known what you were going through, what he was doing, I—” His voice cracked, and I fought back a wave of tears.
“But you didn’t know,” I whispered. “I didn’t want you to know. I was too scared of what he would do. And I felt like there was nothing I could do except be what he wanted. I mean, I talked back to him in the beginning. Told him he couldn’t make me do anything. And then he threatened to kick me out and leave me on my own, and that…that scared me more than anything he’d put me through.
“So I didn’t talk to you, I made you hate me because you wouldn’t stop trying to—you just wouldn’t stop , and he wouldn’t stop. He barely let me out of his sight, watched everything I did, and most times I was only fucking up in his eyes. I was never ‘man enough’ for him, and he hated that I wrestled. That I did a sport where men were just humping each other’s faces.” I laughed derisively. “He’s the one who let me start jiu-jitsu in the first place. But after you…after you moved away, he tried taking me off the team. I made a comment to the coach about it, how I didn’t want to stop wrestling but my dad was making me because he thought it was gay, and of course, our coach had words with my dad. He denied it all and let me keep wrestling to save face, but nothing I ever did was good enough for him, and he was even angrier after that. He never let up with how wrong you were to be you. How wrong I was to be me. And my own anger only got worse and worse until it was all I was. I only had my own miserable thoughts and his hateful words in my head.”
I sighed, and he brushed his hands through my hair. I leaned into the touch and closed my eyes. “And every time I had to be near you, it only reminded me of everything I’d lost. But I wanted to be near you, no matter how much it hurt. There were times when you would look at me and…and it was like none of it had ever happened. Like it was all some awful dream, and this—this overwhelming happiness would burst through me. And then you would glare at me and turn away, and I wished you’d just punched me instead. That would hurt less than the disappointment in your eyes.”
I saw it in the water at the same time I felt it—little disruptions rippling around us as Beck trembled behind me, and I wished I’d never told him.
“Gavin,” he said, his voice shaking. “I will fucking kill him for what he did to you. For what he fucking took from you. I’ll kill him.”
I rubbed my hands up and down his thighs. “I just want to forget about him. Okay? I just want to focus on now. On what we have now . And stop threatening to kill everybody, Beck. You’re not killing anyone.”
He was quiet for a moment, then huffed a laugh and said, “Yeah. Whatever you want, princess.”
I would give him whatever he wanted, too. And I wanted to feel closer to him right now. I needed to feel as close as we could possibly be. Needed him surrounding me and filling me. Needed his strength and his love and his goodness.
I leaned forward, then turned around and straddled his hips with my knees, finally looking at his face. Into his eyes.
His lashes were wet with tears, and there was a deep well of sadness in his eyes that sank into my heart. I cupped his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his, then pulled back and whispered, “I need you, Becky. I need you inside me.”
His eyes slid shut, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. He rubbed a hand down my back and said, lips twitching, “Good thing I brought some lube.”
I pushed my forehead into his with a laugh. “Of course you fucking did.”
The small smile he gave me pierced through whatever sadness had enveloped me, and then he was reaching toward the caddy and picking up a little bottle of lube. “It’s waterproof, too.”
Jealousy slithered through me, and I grabbed his hair. “If you’ve fucked someone down here, I will fucking kill them,” I growled, grinding my half-hard cock into his steadily thickening length.
Beck laughed, those perfect lips spreading wide, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Oh yeah? So it’s okay for you to threaten to kill people?”
“Yeah. This baby hippo has double standards and doesn’t give a single fuck.”
He laughed, but then his lips parted and he moaned when our cocks slid together, and I took the opportunity to slip my tongue into his mouth, tilting my head and licking inside, devouring the delicious taste of him as he kissed me back, matching my hunger with his own.
“You taste so fucking good,” I panted as I pulled away. His eyes were lit with desire, and then he was popping the cap of the lube, holding my gaze as he brought his fingers to my ass.
“Lift up, baby. Come out of the water for a second.”
I leaned forward and pushed my ass in the air until it was out of the water, feeling the vibration of Beck’s satisfied hum. His fingers slid down my crease and found my hole, then rubbed around the rim. When he pushed two inside without any preamble, I cried out and fell forward, burying my face in the crook of his neck as he groaned in my ear.
“Fuck, you are so fucking responsive it drives me insane.” He pumped them in and out as flashes of ecstasy throbbed in my groin. He pulled them out all too soon, but then he was pushing me back down into the water and taking hold of himself, rubbing his bare cock against my ass.
We’d gotten our test results back—all negative—and this would be the first time I really got to feel him.
I pressed back until his cock was sliding between my cheeks and my own was trapped between our stomachs, until my face was an inch from his and our eyes were locked together. Until our breaths were mingling.
I felt him grab hold of himself, then raised myself up on my knees a little to line my hole up with him, and when he began pushing his way inside, when the crown popped through and I slid myself all the way down his shaft until he was fully seated inside me, the pleasure that sparked every nerve-ending almost had me coming right then.
“Fuck,” I moaned as he gripped my hips to hold me still.
“Yeah, fuck,” he panted, voice strained. “It’s not a fucking race.”
I moved my hips, feeling him press against my walls, feeling the fullness of him so fucking deep inside of me, then moaned and took his lips in a desperate kiss. “Fuck me, Beck. Own me. Show me who I belong to.”
He groaned and shuddered beneath me, then moved his hands down to my ass, pulling my cheeks apart as he pushed me up just a little, just enough that he could start fucking into me.
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and shoved my face into his neck, sucking his skin as he slid in and out, hitting that spot inside of me so many times that my mind was a blank space. There was nothing but the sparks of color he was igniting with every slow pump, his groans vibrating through his chest to mine. My cock was sliding between our stomachs, and I felt my balls draw up tight against the base of my dick as he started to move faster. He panted and grunted, water sloshing around us and over the edges of the tub.
“Fuck, baby. Fucking come with me. Come with me, Gavin,” he rasped, and I was already coming before he’d even said my name. I cried out and bit down on his pulse point, the rolling waves of my orgasm intense and blinding as Beck drove himself into me and moved his hands to my hips, pushing me down onto him as hard as he could. I felt him coming, hot bursts of it as his dick pulsed inside of me, and I thought I’d never known anything more beautiful than getting to share something this intimate with someone who loved me.
Never.
“I love you,” Beck murmured into my hair.
I believed that with every atom of my being. Felt it with my entire soul. Cherished it with every beat of my heart.
There was no me without him. Not before, not now, not ever.
Beck was mine just as much as I was his, and had there ever been anything truer?