Chapter 15 Izzy
Chapter fifteen
Izzy
I’m not one for falling to pieces, especially where other people can see. I still feel embarrassed that some random guy saw me like that. Yet, he was so kind.
I may not have seen his face, but the kindness he showed me and his words…
Sometimes we just need someone to sit with us through the darkness.
They will stay with me forever.
The rest of lunch with Via was difficult, but we got through it together. I assured her my tears were for her, not because of her. Consoling her while she cried, I held back my own feelings with a fragile, crumbling resolve.
Now, it’s a few hours later, and I’m in a crowded room with my doctor, a nurse, and an ultrasound technician. Still, I have never felt so alone in my entire life.
There's no one I can tell. No one to lean on. No one to turn to.
Jett's right—I did that.
The medical staff proceeds with invading my body as they continue with the ultrasound. They're speaking, but I hear nothing other than the buzzing chaos of my thoughts, each one racing through my overcrowded mind.
"Izabel, did you hear me?" Dr. Rey's comforting voice cuts through.
"No," I mutter, not looking toward her, keeping my gaze fixed on the pale yellow wall. Who would choose such a hideous color?
Ugh. Why do I even care?
I'm pregnant—a baby. I'm carrying a life. I'm in no shape to bring a child into this world.
I was never one of those girls who dreamt of being a mom. I never wanted kids, but I also never not wanted kids. I honestly didn't have an opinion on it yet, and I always figured I had the time to make that decision.
I guess time's up.
Jett’s words come back to me.
I dreamed of our kids running around on the ranch... I fucking wanted it with you, Beauty. Now, it's become my fucking nightmare that haunts me.
He wanted that with me. Now, it's that same want that haunts him.
"You're about eight weeks along. I do have to say we’ll have to do further testing. There are signs of chromosomal abnormalities." I hear all of Dr. Reys’ words as they pierce my already crumbled heart. My eyes shoot to meet her face, and she shifts uncomfortably on her feet.
"Wh-what... What does that even mean?"
"Well," she clears her throat. "Let me be clear: you are considered extremely high risk at this point. It could mean a multitude of things. The most common, and in your case specifically—"
"Speak English, Doc!" I snap impatiently as every part of my body begins to tremble.
"I can give you more specific details with further extensive testing.” Her eyes soften while she continues to speak. “To be direct, it doesn't look good. You have options, Izabel, and the choice is yours and yours alone."
My heart feels like it has stopped beating, and the world around me freezes.
Nothing else exists.
"We will step out and give you a few moments to get dressed. When I return, we can discuss this further." Dr. Reys gives my hand a firm squeeze before she steps out.
Suddenly, I find myself alone in this room. It's just me and my thoughts now.
I'm pregnant, and it doesn't "look good." I’m in this alone because of my own stubborn choices and fears. I have a best friend who relies on me and truly needs me right now more than ever.
In reality, I have so many people I could call, but the only person I would want here is Jett.
I want to call him back. Fuck. I just need to hear his voice again. I need to have him by my side.
He should be here. I should have told him.
How selfish can I be?
I hurt him, and now that I'm scared, I want to run to him.
He fought for me. He wanted me. In return, I gave him heartache.
After that, how could I possibly tell him, "Hey, I know I'm a total idiot who pushed you away and fucked everything up. Oh, and by the way, we made a baby, and the baby may not make it?”
I've already wounded him, but this… This would kill him after what I've already done.
The door slowly creaks open, and Dr. Reys walks back into the room, snapping me out of the darkness in my mind.
Our eyes meet, and I can tell she knows my thoughts before I speak the words.
"From what you know right now, at this very moment, what are the chances the baby will be healthy?" I choke out the question I know I need to ask, even though I'm truly scared of the answer.
Her eyes close, and her shoulders slump forward, giving me all the answers I need.
I look down, placing a hand on my belly, unable to see through the tears that are falling relentlessly. I rub gently in small circular patterns, taking a moment to appreciate the creation of life that came from the greatest form of love I'll ever know—the exact love I rejected and hurt.
I've ruined so much at the hands of my fears.
I'll never forgive myself.
For any of it, including what I'm about to do.
I can't hurt Jett further. Some may think it's a selfish decision, but to me, the selfish thing would be to call him back and bring him into this heartache with me. This way, at least, I'm not forcing him into the darkness with me after I broke everything we could have been.
After I so clearly broke him.
"I w-want a—"
Dr. Reys nods in understanding without making me say the words that burn to push out.
"This is an incredibly difficult position to be in, but you have options.” Dr. Reys takes a step closer, and she grabs my hand, squeezing softly to comfort and assure me I’m not alone in this.
“You can choose to continue with the pregnancy; however, you need to be aware that if you do, the likelihood of it being viable and the baby being any form of healthy is incredibly slim.
Or, you can choose to terminate, and my staff and I will walk that path with you every step of the way. "
I've never cried so hard in my entire life.
I cry for myself. I cry for Jett. Mainly, I cry for this baby who deserved so much better than I’m able to give.
Dr. Reys softly clears her throat before speaking again. “The decision doesn’t need to be made now; you have time. Why don’t you take a few days? Discuss this over with the father and your support system at home–”
“No,” I say, cutting her off abruptly.
“It’s okay to take the time to think it over, Izabel. You need to assure that you have the proper support, no matter which decision you choose to make.”
My head falls as guilt washes over me. “No one can know. This decision is mine, correct?”
Dr. Reys nods and offers me a sympathetic, closed-mouth smile. “This is completely your decision. If you’d like, I can recommend one of our staff therapists who has a lot of experience and training to help guide you through coping.”
With a sigh of defeat and more tears of pain, I reply with a simple, “Okay.”
I look over the paperwork that the nurse gave me the other day while I sit alone in the bathroom, hiding from the world outside of this room.
Medical abortion.
I still can't bring myself to say the words aloud or accept it.
I'll never be okay with the decision I've made.
I was in no way ready to be a mom, but finding out life was growing inside of me didn't necessarily make me sad. Yes, it scared me. It scared the shit out of me, but it was the one fear I didn’t want to run from. The one fear my instincts saw and screamed at me to stay.
I would have loved this baby so much, despite everything.
No one knows. Not even my family, not Via, and definitely not Jett.
It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I made it all alone. Finding out the pregnancy wouldn't last either way was even harder. The way Dr. Reys explained it, ending the pregnancy before things could get worse was the most selfless thing I could do for my baby.
However, that doesn't make me feel any better about it.
The bleeding has begun, which confirms that I did indeed go through with it. I never thought I'd be capable—that is, until I was in the situation.
The amount of tears I’ve shed could end a drought.
A knock sounds on the door, and Via's voice calls through. "Izzy?"
I clear my throat before speaking, "Yeah, I'll be out in a minute." I try to force my tone to stay even, masking everything I'm feeling inside, but I falter.
"You okay?" She wiggles the doorknob, but I locked it when I first came in here. Thankfully.
"V, I'm taking a piss. I'm coming, okay?!" I snap impatiently.
"Yeah, okay. Sheesh, sorry," she says apologetically, then I hear her footsteps retreat down the hall.
Before collecting myself, I rub my belly one last time.
"I'm so sorry, little baby. I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you needed. You deserved so much better than me." I whisper the words quietly, keeping the conversation between me and the child I'll never get to know.