Chapter 16 Izzy
Chapter sixteen
Izzy
"I can't believe I let you talk me into this shit," I grumble, my face screwing up in disgust. "Look at this dump!"
Via huffs, sharing in my disappointment as we take in the apartment we will now call home. The stains on the wall, the busted up flooring, and the pungent scent of lingering cigarette odor hit us both all at once.
Maybe signing a lease on an apartment we didn't actually view in person ahead of time was a bad idea, but we had limited options and were pressed for time to find something since all the dorms were taken. Yay for being late admissions.
I still can't believe I'm starting college.
I don't know how I feel about it. Yet, here I am.
I decided to follow Via to Nursing School in Arkansas.
At first, the thought of myself, who is freaked by the mere sight of blood, becoming a nurse seemed stupid to me.
However, after experiencing the compassion and care my medical staff showed me during the most challenging time in my life, I couldn't help but want to be that person for someone else.
Also, I couldn't let Via leave on her own.
Truth be told, after everything, I needed a change, too.
I still haven't told anyone about the baby. I can tell they all see the change in me, although I try my hardest to fight it off.
My sarcasm and snarkiness have been entirely on point.
It's only been a few weeks, and I still haven't completely processed everything.
I should want to get through it and learn how to cope. Yet, I just want to forget.
I'd rather be numb than feel this heartache.
Jett still called consistently. I finally blocked his number the day after my last doctor visit, which confirmed the termination.
Getting his calls became too much.
Part of me wanted to answer each one. That same part of me wanted to tell him everything, including how sorry I was about pushing him away, how I've loved him all along, how I've never slept with anyone else since I've been with him, and it was all a lie to hurt him and push him away.
Mainly, I wanted to tell him about the life our shared love created.
However, the part of me that has officially shut down and turned into an abyss of numbness ultimately won that war. I couldn’t keep getting his calls and thinking of him.
It was too fucking hard.
Our baby may have never stood a chance and was never going to make it, but our baby was just that.
Ours.
The one good thing that came out of the chaos that I created.
Yet, I was destined to lose that, too. It just goes to show that nothing good is meant to last for me.
"It's pretty fucking bad,” Via says, pulling me back to the present with her. “But if anyone can make this garbage of an apartment look and feel like a home, it's us!"
I force a smile, turning to meet her gaze.
She looks... better.
Not necessarily back to herself, not by a long shot, but it's amazing what being out of Sugarland has done for her already.
That alone makes the move worth it.
I'll never be thankful that Via has gone through the things she has, but I am thankful that she's yet to see through my front. She's too deep into her own struggles to notice the flaws in my performance.
If she were to ever find out about what I'm hiding from her, she would be hurt. Yet, I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing.
I'm tough.
I can handle this on my own.
I need her to focus on herself and get better mentally. I know she won't be able to do that if she's concerned about me.
"Well, this should be a shit show." I sigh with a laugh that lacks humor. "I'm in. Let's fucking do it!"
NOVEMBER 2017
The first few months of classes have flown by in a blur.
I've become so invested in forcing myself to be okay that I've forgotten to feel anything at all.
Numb.
It's a weird feeling, but I'm fucking owning it.
I refuse to wallow in it.
So, instead, I drown out the noise the only way I know how.
I attempt to gain control of it.
"No kissing!" I snap, pushing his face away from mine.
The average-height guy with cropped brown hair and pretty eyes scoffs, and his face twists in confusion.
His name is Jeffrey. I only know this because of his apparent idea of "sexy talk," which includes talking about himself in the third person.
Talk about fucking cringe.
"Jeffrey just wants to taste you, baby."
"Fuck this!" I shout, pushing off his lap and adjusting my skirt and panties as I stand.
"What the fuck?"
"Izzy is no longer interested. Get out, Jim."
"My name is Jeffrey!" he growls as he stands, looking appalled as if I slapped him in the face.
"Ha, yeah, Jeremy. You need to fucking leave." I point to the door, throwing his boxers and pants at him.
He rolls his eyes but doesn't put up any more of a fight.
"You're a bitch, you know that?" he says over his shoulder, as he walks through the front door's threshold.
"And damn proud of it, bud! Goodbye!" I slam the door in Jeffrey's face before he can speak again.
I'm fuming. His dick was a decent size and would have done the job. If only he knew how to shut his fucking mouth.
I'm trying. I'm genuinely fucking trying to forget.
Yet, every time I'm with someone else, I'm quickly reminded that they aren't Jett.
They don’t have his dark sense of humor that matches mine.
They don’t understand me on a deeper level and push me to be more than I thought I was capable of.
They don’t make my heart pick up its pace in my chest with just a simple touch.
They don’t look at me the way that he always has—like I hung the damn moon and created the stars. They’ll never be him.
It pisses me off.
So, what do I do?
I keep fucking different ones, and I'll continue to do so until I forget him.
Until I forget it all.
My method may be illogical and not make sense to most, but I’m banking on it working for me. I mean, shit, it’s gotten me this far.
One day, it will work. It has to.