Chapter 48 Izzy
Chapter forty-eight
Izzy
"Izzy!" Via calls out, running towards me as I step out of my car and onto the field next to her and Ander’s home on the island.
"Hey, V!" I shout.
She makes it to me, and I pull her into a hug. I'm so excited to see her. I need to see her. I may not want to talk about what's going on, but she's my person, and just being in her presence seems to make everything I'm struggling with fade, even if just for a little while.
"What are you doing here?" she asks, the excitement oozing from her tone as her nose crinkles with surprise.
"I just… needed to see you," I say, attempting the brave face I've come to wear so well over this past year.
Her expression goes blank as she looks at me with concern. "What's wrong?"
"Don't go getting all worked up; nothing is wrong.
Does something need to be wrong to want to see my best friend?
" She raises a suspecting eyebrow, reading right through my bullshit.
"Ah, fuck it. I think Mav and I broke up last night.
I asked for space. He gave it. I don't know what the fuck that means.
This is why I don't do this shit. So, yeah, I just—"
She cuts me off, her voice barely above a whisper, although no one is around to hear us. "Is this about the stuff with Jett?"
I nod.
"Have you told Maverick how you feel?"
"About Jett? How the hell do I tell him? 'Hey Mav, I love you, but I also may still be in love with Jett. You know, the guy I told you not to worry about?’ Gosh, I'm a real fucking winner."
"Yes, yes, you are." She wraps her arm around me with a chuckle and leads me toward her home along the beach coast.
"Seriously, V, he knows something isn't right with me—"
"We all know something isn't right with you, Iz. It isn't hard to see." There's no judgment in her expression, strictly genuine concern.
“You do?”
“Of course. We just know not to push, and you’ll eventually come to us. Case in point,” she tightens her hold on me, “you’re here now, telling me about all your shit.”
That causes me to chuckle. "I know I need to tell Mav, too. I just don't know how. The most fucked up part is, I don't know what it is that I want. Or who. I'm so goddamn conflicted."
She stops walking, turning to face me head-on. "Wait. You're considering being with Jett?"
"Honestly?" I sigh with a huff. "I don't know. I may just let both of them go to save them both the heartache of my chaos."
"Mav is good for you, Iz. Jett is, too. They're polar opposites, but somehow I can see you with either of them and being happy.
You just need to free yourself from these confines and tell Mav.
He deserves an explanation as to why you've been off.
I mean, come on, it's Mav. He's the easiest person there is to talk to.
" She giggles as the last of her words come out.
"There's more that you don't know. Something that Mav may not be able to see past." I look away, not able to meet her eyes.
"With Jett, it runs deeper than anyone can realize.
It isn't just an attraction. It's a pull.
I gravitate to him. Since seeing him at Thanksgiving, I haven't been able to get that out of my mind. "
Her brow furrows. "When he came to see you at the cabin?"
I nod.
"Whatever happened with that talk anyway? If you want to talk about it."
"I don't," I say blankly, and Via, being the angel that she is, nods with a forced smile, not pushing the topic any further.
"Well, no matter what brought you, I'm glad that you're here. There is one thing, though."
"Oh yeah, what's that?"
"We're leaving for the ranch in less than an hour, for another Cole Family Thanksgiving. I know you already said no to the invite, that you didn't want to come, but I really want you to be there. And I really think you should, especially now."
What the fuck. I forgot they were all leaving today. How is this a good idea at all?
"V, have you lost your mind? I tell you I'm conflicted, and your solution is for me to be around the reason I’m conflicted?"
Her expression remains stoic as she shrugs. "Yes. I mean, if anything, I think it’ll help to give you some clarity."
"Clarity?" I scoff with a scowl. "How the hell could clarity come from that?"
"Oh, come on, Iz. Plus, it's not like it will just be him there. Dessa, Kasten, and Silas are all coming. You can avoid Jett just like you have for the past two years if you choose to."
Ugh. I do miss Dessa so much. We barely work the same shifts together anymore, so seeing her has been rare. Via doesn't work with us at all anymore, and somehow manages to see Dessa more than I do.
I roll my eyes. "Why is my brother going?
" I love my brother. I'm more so butthurt he didn't tell me.
"And Silas, the hot chef friend? He’s the guy who helped Ander with his proposal, right?
" I wince, remembering that awful day—the day we found Via beaten to a pulp by her brother. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought that up.”
But Via smiles, unfazed. "It’s okay, Iz. It’s in the past. And yes, Silas is the hot chef friend. Kas is already out there; he and Jett have been—"
"Yeah, I know, butt buddies."
She snorts a laugh. "I was going to say best friends, but that works, too." Her giggle continues. "So, will you come? If not for you, then for me?" She finishes her question by batting her lashes.
I turn around, walking back toward my car with a wave. "Yeah, yeah. I'm going to pack some clothes, damnit."
Secrets.
I've always been the keeper of secrets. It isn't a position I necessarily signed up for, but it’s one that has chosen me.
The secrets started with Chad. Fucking Chad. I kept his secret out of my own shame from the reality of what happened to me. Still, that's where it started.
It continued with my father's infidelity. I kept his secret out of fear. Fear of what would come of my mother and our family if the truth were exposed. Fear for Via and how it would affect her and her family.
That's when I became a vessel for the depraved. I would lock that shit up in a box and tuck it away. I always thought that method worked for me. However, I never considered what would happen when the box overflows and the lid won't shut.
Why would I? I always prided myself on my honesty.
That is, until I played a part in a scenario, causing me to have my own secrets to lock away. A baby. A kiss. A murder…
I wanted to be nothing like the ones I unwillingly protected.
I made every effort not to be. Before my own secrets, with me, you always got the real, the unfiltered, and the raw.
If you had asked most people back then, they'd probably say I even had a PhD in Bitchology.
I tended to be seen as a bitch. Still do, which I've now accepted.
I'm not one for sugarcoating to save face or protect your feelings.
Now, I've become exactly what I hate.
I spent years protecting myself from deception and betrayal, yet managed to accomplish both—deceiving and betraying others.
That “box” now not only overflows with kept secrets, but with guilt eating away at my spirit.
I've changed over the past two years. There's no denying that.
And over the recent months? Things with Maverick have been... rocky, to say the least.
He pushed for more, meanwhile, I pulled for less. A constant game of push and pull that neither of us wanted.
He wants to move forward with our relationship, take the next steps.
Meanwhile, I'm back to not wanting to be in a relationship.
Am I terrible? Absolutely. I never wanted any of this.
With Mav, it was different. I knew he wouldn't hurt me.
I always knew I'd be the one hurting him. That makes me all the more terrible.
I haven't confessed to Maverick about the kiss. Instead, I've pulled back.
That said, my intention was never to lead him on. Genuinely, I wanted to be with Maverick. I still do. I can’t picture a life where he isn’t in it.
However, my selfish heart can't help but want Jett also. God, that kiss… I both wish it had never happened, and wish it would happen again. It’s fucking plagued me, turned my world upside down. Reminded me of what could’ve been, and what could still be.
I haven’t truly spoken to Jett since that kiss. Just a word here and there, the last time being at Via and Ander's wedding. All by choice, avoiding him as much as possible, all the while not wanting to forget.
But still trying to…
Now, I'm about to willingly spend an entire week at his ranch without Maverick there. Whether broken up or not, we’re spending time apart, and we truly do need it until I can grow the lady balls to tell him the truth.
Yet, a week in the same atmosphere as Jett already feels like trouble.
Avoid him like the plague. Yep. That's what I'll do.