38. RAE
38
I ’m playing with the gemstones that have taken residence on the entire dining room table while I drink my morning tea. They are all kinds of bright colors, in different shapes with different meanings. My mother used to tell me how every stone had its own purpose. Aventurine, for confidence. Fluorite, for clarity. Rose Quartz, for love. When I was eight, she gave me a sterling silver necklace with a heart-shaped amethyst in the lock.
“This will protect you, wherever you go,” she said.
I have never taken it off since that moment. After the crash, I was convinced that necklace saved me, and even though it could all be in my head, it works for me. It’s part of me, and I don’t feel complete without it.
Sitting here, with all these stones in front of me, brings me back to those moments with my mother when we would search for the best stone for her jewelry line. Without thinking about it, I pair stones that I thought would look good together, then put them aside to do it again.
But only half of my attention goes into that. The other half is focused on the handsome man playing a game of catch with Lily. The smile on his face when he talks to her has me melting inside, surprised by his hidden talents as a babysitter.
“Do you love him?” My aunt walks back into the kitchen, following my gaze before she takes the chair next to me.
I freeze, wide-eyed, not sure how to respond, then put my focus back on the stones. We got rid of the elephant in the room, discussing how we want to see where this goes. If we can work. But talking about love is a whole other level.
“That's a pretty big question.”
“It’s also a pretty big feeling,” she agrees.
I stay quiet, bringing my gaze back up. Jensen throws the ball to Lily, bringing out his toned arms and his ripped physique and, instantly, my heart rate speeds up. He does that to me. Just looking at him makes my mouth turn dry and my palms sweaty.
Is that love? I don’t know.
“I don’t know what love is,” I finally say, softly.
“Huh,” she snorts. “That’s exactly what he told Nana when she asked him the same thing. I have a feeling you and him are more alike than you think.”
I snap my head toward my aunt giving me a knowing look. Her elegant face is framed by her wavy brown hair softly swinging beside her head with every move she makes.
“She asked him if he was in love with me?” I huff, embarrassed as fuck.
Leave it to my grandmother to bring out the big guns before she even catches your name.
“Come on, sweety,” she drawls as she keeps picking up stones one by one to check the quality, “you know your Nan. Did you expect anything else?”
Good point .
“Well, no, maybe not,” I mumble. Jensen is chasing Lily, who keeps running away with a salvo of happy squeals.
“Why is it you think you don’t know what love is?”
I shrug, taking a moment to think about it.
When I think of love, my parents pop into my head. How they used to steal kisses, share glances from across the room. How they argued, but also made up with that same committed look in their eyes. But I know it doesn’t always work like that. I’m not sure if you can fall in love if your heart isn’t whole in the first place.
I survived that crash, and I made a decent life for myself.
But I didn’t come out unscathed. My heart took a blow, being forced to walk through life as an orphan, and I never really recovered. My heart forever misses the biggest piece, and I’m not sure I’m brave enough to give it to anyone else.
Do I want to see where this goes with Jensen? Yes, more than anything.
But I don’t think I have the courage to place it in anyone's hands but mine. Not like Charlotte and Hunter, even though I’d love to have what they have. But I don’t think that's for me. I don’t think my heart can ever heal enough to make that possible.
I can take risks in life, and I will never decline a challenge, but I can’t live without my heart. That’s mine. That’s all I have, and I need to protect that with everything, even if it means that love for me is nothing more than a memory of my parents.
I’ve seen love; that’s enough for me if it means I get to keep the rest of my heart unharmed. But I think I can be happy with someone else.
Someone like Jensen.
“They wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life,” she tells me, as if she can read my mind.
“I’m not alone.” Tears prick under the surface, and I swallow to push them away. “I’ve got you, Johnny, Chris, Nana, Kayla. I have a bunch of people.”
“That’s not the kind of love I’m talking about, and you know it.” The tone in her voice is free from judgment as she places a warm hand over mine. I sigh deeply, closing my eyes, giving free access to the tears that now run down my cheeks.
“I’m scared, June.”
“I know you are, baby. But that’s what love is. It’s scary.”
I shake my head. “My heart isn’t whole. I can’t lose what's left of it. I can’t lose anything else. I can’t lose anyone else. I want to work it out with him, but I’m not sure I can fully open up to him. Not now, not ever.”
“You think that’s gonna work? Look at that man and tell me you don’t love him. Tell me you haven’t already shared more with him than you’ve done with any other guy in your life. Tell me you don’t look into the future and see him .”
I look at Jensen, biting my lip.
He’s everything I never wanted, but I’d be lying if I’d say she isn’t right. We’ve only been together for a week, but already, he has wormed his way under my skin, making it impossible for me to think about my life without him. Everything before him feels like a distant memory, a faraway past.
“You tell me you can’t live without your heart,” my aunt continues. “Do you think you can live without him?”
I want to say yes so badly. I want to be able to say goodbye and tell him see you later whenever our time is up, but the answer is no.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep because I wanted to remember every second that he was still in my arms, knowing he was about to leave me at some point. I know he said he wanted to be with me, but even if he’s staying for now, defying his parents, it won’t last. At some point, he’s going to leave again, bound to whatever team he’s gonna play for. I kept convincing myself that I was going to be fine without him, that he and I were going to have fun while it lasted. Until real life forces us apart. I know he thinks differently; I’m just trying to look at it realistically.
But every time I thought about next week, next month, and even next year, I imagined him being there. Standing next to me. Getting on my nerves about the little things. Kissing my neck when I’m not looking. Annoying me with his cocky behavior. Every birthday, holiday, Sunday. I imagined him there.
I have hope.
But even though that’s what I want, my thoughts always end with the same sentence.
“We don’t belong together.”
“Says who?”
“Says everyone! Says his mother, who’s basically trying to marry him off. Says the fact that we’ve been arguing about bullshit for the last five years! His dad is Asher Jensen. He’s running for governor. They want him to fit the perfect picture, and he might be fine wandering off with me now, but I’m never going to be the perfect girlfriend, and I don’t want to be.”
“Yeah, because he seems like he’s the perfect governor’s son, right?” she mocks. “Stop finding excuses to ask him to stay. Just ask him.”
“He already said he’s staying.”
June snaps her head my way, her brown eyes scolding, with little specks of gold dancing in around her pupils. Just like mine. They remind me of my mothers, the one thing I will never forget. When I was younger, it was frightening how hard it was to look into June’s eyes. I love her with all my heart, and even though she isn’t my mother, she’s the closest thing there is. But after the crash, having her eyes aimed at me hurt like hell. Like my mother was watching me from a different body. Both comforting and terrifying at the same time.
“Then what the hell is holding you back, girl?”
She holds my gaze, her gaze filled with disbelief. “I’ve known the boy for thirty-six hours and I’m falling in love just looking at him.”
“Yeah, he is easy on the eyes.” I swoon.
“Rae, baby. Look at me.” I turn my head, doing as she asked. “That’s not what I meant. I’m falling in love with him because I see the way he looks at you . I see the way he looks at my girl, my niece, my daughter .” Her words make my eyes flood, and I try to sniff away the tears. “It’s the same way your father looked at your mother. It’s the same way Christopher looks at me. He’s in love with you.”
“That’s a bit much, June. We like each other, sure. Have great sex, yeah. But he doesn’t love me.”
“Thanks for sharing.” She pulls a face. “But you’re wrong. You think he’d be playing outside with Lily if you were just a good fuck?”
I frown, letting her words settle, then I gasp for air, my head snapping toward Jensen, who’s throwing Lily in the air. His laughter echoes through the yard, warming me on the inside. As if he can feel my gaze, he twists his head, and our eyes lock.
For a second, it’s like time stands still, and I can feel it. It’s like lightning strikes me in an open field; there is no escape, there is no denial. My chest expands and goosebumps trail down my body.
His cocky behavior, his handsome smile, the asshole comments, all combined with the big heart that's hidden in his chest. He’s designed for me.
He shoots me a wink, with Lily hanging over his shoulder, and I return it with a half sobbing smile before he gets back to their game. My heart is pounding like it’s trying to escape while the clouds in my head are replaced by sunshine.
“Fuck.” I place my hands in front of my mouth, shocked at the feelings suddenly flying in.
“Are you finally awake?” June smiles.
“I don’t know,” I confess, trying to let my emotions sink in. Suddenly, I feel light as a feather, my blood running through my veins with a throbbing pulse.
“What are you two girls doing?” Nana walks into the kitchen. “Ah, sorting stones. You used to love doing that with your mother, Rae.” She pours herself a cup of coffee, then takes the seat in front of me.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Her eyes widen when she notices the tears on my cheeks, then she looks at her daughter. “Did that jock hurt her? I will hunt him down with his own hockey stick.”
“No, mama. She knows .”
“She knows?” A confused look washes Nana's face while June nudges her chin to the window. Nana looks around before quickly twisting it back, the confusion now renewed with a knowing look. “You’re twenty-four hours late to the party, but glad you finally arrived, kid.”
“Thanks, Nana,” I deadpan, before rolling my eyes, then glancing back and forth between both women. “Now, what?”
“Now, you go and tell him,” Nana says matter-of-factly.
Like it’s easy.
“What?” I screech. “No! I’m not just going to head out and tell him I’m in love with him. What if he doesn’t feel the same?”
“You are blinder than a dead man if you honestly don’t see how madly in love he is with you. He’s out there playing with your little sister. If he didn’t feel the same, he would’ve left yesterday. He’s taking every minute he can to stay close to you.”
“Hmm, and he asked you to show him around town yesterday too,” my aunt muses.
“Right! He wouldn’t do that if you were just a booty call,” Nana adds.
“You sound like June now.”
“It’s true,” she replies, bringing her coffee to her lips. “He feels the same, honey. I’m sure. Just go talk to him.”
My mind is running overtime, and the fear keeps me glued to my chair. Thinking about telling him how I really feel freaks me out, while thinking about him leaving leaves me breathless in the worst way.
“Just get it over with already. Give that beaten heart of yours some air to breathe. We’ll be right here.”
I look at the two women closest to me.
When my parents died, they both took on their roles, giving me the next best thing. I trust these women more than anything, and seeing them both encouraging me to put myself out there, to offer Jensen my heart, it gives me the confidence I need. Even though I’m shaking on my legs.
But it isn’t until Nana stares at me with those same brown Bambi eyes, boring into my soul without even trying. “Your mother would’ve wanted you to have what she had with your father. You deserve to be happy, Rae.”
Her words cut me deep, but I believe every one of them. I get up, sucking in a deep breath, holding my body up as my palm stays pressed against the table. I inhale softly, then exhale, doing my best to control my nerves.
Fucking Hell.
“Okay. Wish me luck.”
They both give me a supportive nod, and I take my wobbly legs into the yard. Opening the back door, I notice Lily on the grass with her favorite doll, without Jensen.
“Hey, bubba. Where is Jensen?”
Her blonde head pops up, looking at me with her bright eyes. “He’s on the phone.” She points to the gate that leads to the front yard, and I walk around the house to find him. He’s standing next to my car, his phone pressed to his ear, his back toward me. His hard back makes me want to wrap my arms around him and press my cheek against him, but instead, I wait until he’s done with his phone call.
“Fine. Yes. I understand.” He hangs up the phone, then turns around.
My lips are pressed together in a tight smile, my eyes beaming as I swallow hard to not lose my nerve.
The features on his face are stern with a hint of fatigue as he lets out a troubled sigh.
“You okay?” I ask.
His eyes move up, a smile haunting his lips. His face is showered with hope as he sees my face, before it’s quickly replaced by a dark look that has my smile falling and my heart dropping to the ground.
As quickly as my confidence was raised, as quickly as it’s seeping out of my grasp. That feeling of love that was filling my chest in the last sixty seconds is completely replaced with defeat. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, running a chill over my spine, because I know.
I’m too late.
I can feel it in my gut. I can feel it in the sharp pain in my heart that kills me inside, just looking at his ominous gaze.
It’s over.
We’re over.