Chapter 10
Madeleine
Tristan looked at me baffled when he opened the door, wearing a t-shirt and jeans, his hair messy. “Mads?” he said, looking around. “Hey. Everything okay?”
I felt like I’d throw up—like the ground was pitching and rolling underneath me. Tristan’s house was a small one, no bigger than my and Britt’s apartment—could have afforded more, but he was just renting it for cheap from a friend of a friend while he saved for a down payment. Practical. Always practical with this guy.
Everything I’d rehearsed went out of my head, and instead of the smooth greeting with a smile, acting like I was just showing up here to surprise him and see how it went, the cold feeling in my stomach took over. “We were going to go on a date today.”
“What?” He furrowed his brow.
“You were taking me for dinner, and the museum…”
“Ah, Christ.” He put a hand to his forehead. “Jesus, Mads, I forgot all about that… I thought it was next week. Shit, I’m so sorry, I’ve been so deep in this project—”
“We could still go today.”
He winced, looking back over his shoulder. The living room was a mess—he wasn’t a messy person, which meant he’d really been putting the pedal to the metal, working hard. Which meant I was being unreasonable. “Angel, I really wish I could, but I’m absolutely not prepared… we could do tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I’m working tomorrow. That was why we said today. It’s been a month since we last had a day off at the same time.”
“Ah… right.” He raked his hand back through his hair. “Dammit, Mads, I’m really sorry. That’s on me. I fucked up.”
We’d had this conversation before. I’m so sorry, I’ll do better. And then I’d kick myself for a week or two over how sad I’d made him, over how I’d made him feel bad about himself when it was me who was the problem, even though feeling bad about himself was the extent of it—he didn’t do anything different.
He was just wired differently. He couldn’t do differently. I was being unreasonable asking him to be different. But I couldn’t just… turn and walk away here, say it’s fine and forget about it until another day.
“Maybe I can stay here with you while you work?” I said. “You know—just spend some time with you. Catch up in the moments between stuff and just be in the room together. I miss you.”
“I mean, yeah… I just had no idea you were coming,” he said with that tone like I wasn’t supposed to be coming, but he stepped back and let me inside, and I walked in feeling like I was an intruder in a stranger’s home. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“Well, surprise party.”
“I’m really sorry about the date.”
“Babe, it’s fine. Please. Forget about it. We’re here now.”
It had been a while since I’d last been at Tristan’s—it was a small space, not a lot of furniture, and the walls were bare. Ever practical. I sat down on the couch when he gestured me to sit, and he went into the kitchen, calling if I wanted any food, and when I said I’m good, he brought back some coffee and sat next to me. I felt like I was supposed to do something, say something—be romantic, I don’t know. Kiss him? It felt like the idea of kissing a friend. A stranger.
“So, work’s been fun, huh?” I said, and he sighed, hanging his head.
“I’m fucking sick of it. I’m barely getting any sleep.”
“But you’re at least making progress?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, in theory, at least… cleaning up the mess Justine left, and then we’ll be back on track for the regular seventy hours a week instead of ninety. Unless something else goes wrong in that time.”
And me wanting to take that time for myself was wildly selfish and unreasonable. Especially whining to everyone I knew about how I couldn’t bear it anymore because he’d been too busy for a couple days. “Sorry to hear it’s been so bad…”
“It is what it is,” he grumbled. “Maybe once all this is said and done, I’ll be able to grovel in Matt’s office until he gives me a promotion with more duties and an extra nickel a month. Unless Justine swipes the promotion before me.”
“Industry’s tight, huh?”
“How’s architecture? Maybe I should jump ship. I could design a building.”
“Just as tight. No chance I’m getting a job after graduation.”
He laughed drily. “Guess we’re all fucked out here. Well—it’s good seeing you here—”
“You’re getting back to work.”
He shifted uncomfortably. “Of course, I want you to stay and talk, I’ll just be focused on—”
“Do you want me to just go?”
“No, it’s fine.”
I was being a petty little bitch again. I put a hand to my forehead. “Right. Sorry. I’m just in a bad mood. Hey—can I talk to you about something?”
He checked his phone. Seeing if he had time for me to talk to him about something. I’d never felt so much like an object in my life, like an awkward accessory. “Sure, what’s up?”
I swallowed. Suddenly the fire I’d had was all gone. “Just, when you met Sapphire yesterday…”
“Sapphire? That’s her name?”
“Uh, yeah. She introduced herself to you.”
He smiled thinly. “That her real name?”
It didn’t matter that I’d thought the same thing when I’d heard her name first, I still bristled like he’d insulted me directly. “Yeah, it’s her real name. What about it?”
“Okay. Just sounds a little…” He waved me off. “Forget it. What about her?”
I pursed my lips. I couldn’t really find it in me to say it.
“What?” he said. “I kinda need you to tell me.”
I sighed, hard, looking down. Guilt felt hot racking my chest before I even said it. “It was just the way you brushed her off that felt kind of rude. She’s my friend, and she introduced herself to you, and I kind of… would have preferred you could talk to her too. You know I want to be with someone who knows my friends too.”
He put a hand to his forehead. “Ah, Jesus. I’m really fucking it all up right now.”
“No—I’m not saying it’s your fault. I get that you’re busy.”
“Sorry, Mads. What do you want me to do?”
“I-I don’t know. Just… it was just bothering me and I needed to say it.”
He hung his head. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be a dick to your friends. I’ll do better next time.”
God, I was being awful. This wasn’t any better than if somebody came along asking me to change everything I was doing just because they didn’t like it—I didn’t own him, and I wasn’t supposed to control him. I sighed, hard, wishing I could sink into the couch and disappear. “Forget about it. I’m just in a weird mood. Sorry. I can go, give you some space to do your work—”
“No, it’s fine. I want you to stay.”
He absolutely didn’t, he just felt like he had to say that to make things better, because I was an awful girlfriend who was impossible to make happy. He wanted space to do his damn job and not try to placate me, but if I just left right now, then he’d be worrying too much about how to fix our relationship to actually get his work done, and then that would be another thing that was my fault.
I had to stick around. Just long enough for him to feel like he’d put in the effort and he could feel better about having missed the date and snubbed Sapphire, and then leave so he could have his peace. And then I needed to shut the hell up and stop being such an insufferable bitch so he could live his life like a normal person.
“All right,” I said, putting on a smile. “Um… I’m just going to run to the bathroom, okay? And then I want you to tell me about your work and what’s been going on, but—while you’re doing your work. And only in a way that doesn’t interrupt. I want you to be able to get this done so you can get some proper sleep.”
He gave me a wary, cautious smile. The poor guy was so on the defensive—trying to navigate the minefield I was setting down for him for no reason. I wished I hadn’t come here. “Yeah, sure,” he said lightly. “I’ll be looking forward to some sleep.”
And I was looking forward to getting into the bathroom so I could have a breakdown without making him more stressed about it. If he asked why I was in there for so long, I’d just… pretend I was on my period. Bonus that then he wouldn’t start to worry I was complaining about the lack of sex and feel pressure to deal with that too.
God, I was sick of this.
∞∞∞
I tried to get some work done through the day once I’d gotten back from the worst two and a half hours I’d ever spent with my boyfriend, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. My classwork blurred together on the screen, my head pounding, and when I tried to get back to the AutoCAD design I was supposed to be working on, I suddenly hadn’t taken an architecture class once in my life. Everything was all weird lines and symbols that didn’t make any sense, and I mostly just sat by my phone wishing Sapphire would text me the latest update.
Maybe I should have texted her. But I was trying to learn my lesson about being clingy. I was trying to… to fix myself. No sense going in the opposite direction.
It was after a good few hours like that that I sank back in my chair, looking up at the ceiling and just letting myself dwell. I dropped my tablet pen on the table, and I counted anxious, heavy thoughts streaking like shooting stars through my head, dreaming that I could make a wish.
Wished I could be like Britt, just head out right now and catch a friend I’d met one time randomly, or drop in at Ellen’s place and whip up an impromptu party out of it, or go to a club and walk out with three new friends. Wished I could be like Tristan, just be satisfied enough with my work that I didn’t need other people. Wished I could be like Sapphire, actually do something about my life.
I was in no place to give Sapphire life advice. I didn’t know how to put my own life together. I had a great partner, but that was about all I had going for me.
And even then, I spent my time kind of wishing he would leave. I knew I wouldn’t be happy with it, and there was no chance in hell I was finding someone else if it came to that, but… sometimes I still wished.
I went to bed early that night. Wasn’t like me, but I couldn’t bear to sit with my thoughts any longer. Britt had gone from her job straight off to go hang out with Haley, and I thought about texting a friend too, but I was trying to figure out how to be a grownup and focus on work, and—besides, everyone was busy and nobody really needed that. I’d be fine.
And I thought I should probably just go to bed without bothering anyone, but I found myself texting Sapphire anyway, against all my better judgment.
hey there, just heading to bed in a bit but wanted to check in that you’re okay
She started typing right away, but it took a while for her to send a reply. hey! everything okay with you and tristan?
I sighed, falling back into my bed and draping my arm over my face. The apartment was too quiet. Of course, I was supposed to want it that way. It took some time and effort to get back to my phone and reply. yeah, I got to talk things out with him, he was really apologetic and wants to make an effort to improve things
Once again, she was quick to start typing and slow to send a response. that’s great! I’m glad you went and worked things out, I know it was really scary and I’m really impressed with the kind of bravery that takes
I closed my eyes, letting out a long, shaky sigh. It wasn’t like I enjoyed this, but… this was just what I had to do. Had to tell it to everyone and eventually I’d believe it, too. thanks, I sent, my fingers feeling like lead. I’m really glad too, it feels a lot better now
She started and stopped typing a few times before she finally sent a reply too short for how much time went into it. do you want to call and talk?
I didn’t know why it felt like I wanted to cry just seeing that. Probably some emotional baggage I’d deal with another time. I just hoped I wouldn’t sound like I was about to cry. sure, I wasn’t getting much work done anyway
She called, and I took a long breath before answering it. It didn’t help much—my voice came out thicker than I wanted. “Hey,” I said, and I winced at the sound. I cleared my throat, pretending I’d just been drowsy. “How are you doing?” I said, sounding better now, and she spoke softly down the line.
“Hi there. I’m good. Um…”
I waited. Nothing else came. “What’s up?”
She sighed. “Madeleine… please promise me you aren’t going to overreact or anything.”
Well, that was a good start. “Are you safe?”
“Yes! Um…”
That was a falter in her voice. I sat up, Tristan suddenly miles away. “What happened?” I said, my voice sharp with urgency, and she made a little noise of protest.
“Oh—Madeleine. I didn’t even tell you and you’re already worrying about me.”
“Do you need me to go over there? Are you at the hotel right now?”
“No—I mean, yes, I am, but no, I’m good. I’m okay. Just…” She sighed. “Andrew found me.”
I felt a sick sensation drop like a rock in my gut. I should have messaged her ages ago. I’d been so caught up in something trivial like worrying my boyfriend wasn’t giving me enough attention, and Sapphire was in actual danger. I gripped the phone tighter, trying to regulate my voice, sound calm—the last thing Sapphire needed right now was me panicking. “Okay. But you’re still safe in the hotel?”
“Yes. He wasn’t, like, physically dragging me back to my parents or anything. I promise I’m okay. It’s just… it’s you I’m worried about.”
I frowned. “Sapphire, my relationship issues are not on the same scale as this—”
“Not that. Just…” She sighed, and I heard the shifting movement of her falling back into bed, a chair, something. Her voice sounded so tired when she spoke again, I couldn’t imagine how much she’d been agonizing and worrying while I was off in my own little world. “We had a conversation. Me and Andrew, I mean. He was telling me I don’t know how to cut it out here in the real world, and I told him, you know… yeah, I don’t, but I have friends who are helping me. He said I’m just… that this is just putting them in the line of fire. Putting you in the line of fire, you and Britt. And I… he’s right.”
I was of half a mind to turn that creepy butler’s face inside out. I turned in the bed, sitting at the edge staring out the window, and it took a while to find words. “When did this happen?”
“Ah, um—right when I left your place. He was waiting for me in the lobby.”
“What have you been doing since then?”
She made a noncommittal sound. “Applying for jobs? I mean… ostensibly. Practically, I’ve mostly just been worrying. I haven’t been at my most productive today.”
I stood up slowly, stretching my legs out. “You don’t need to be productive every day,” I said, my voice softer now, as I turned back towards the door, walking slowly at first, and then quickly. Sapphire’s voice was small on the other side, small and sad.
“I kind of do in my situation…”
“People are more effective and productive overall when they get to take a break. Especially when it’s right after something difficult has happened.”
“Okay, but—I don’t know if it was a bad thing. Not strictly.”
I paused, stepping out through my door into the hallway. “Running into Andrew wasn’t a bad thing?”
“He… gave me, uh…” Her voice was so small, so defeated, it broke my heart just hearing her. I didn’t know what it was about her that made me want to burn down Chicago if it meant I could keep her safe, but we were here now.
“Hey,” I said, my voice soft. “Easy. You don’t want to talk about the details right now, do you?”
“W-well—not necessarily, strictly speaking, no. But I have to face it.”
“You can face it in a minute, if you need to.” I walked across the kitchen and to the front door, stopping to pull my shoes on.
She sighed, and judging by the little pout in her voice, she was probably tucking herself up under the blankets. “I guess so…”
I pulled on a coat and took my bag, and I moved quietly opening the door, speaking over the sound of the lock turning. “We can talk about something nice instead. Any jobs you applied for that you’re excited about?”
She laughed nervously. “I mean, like Britt said, I’m easily excited… and they’re probably all things that won’t be exciting if I actually start doing them.”
“Ah, you never know. It’s all about the attitude. Maybe you’ll be like Delaney.”
“Is this a person I’m supposed to know?”
“Girl at my work. Everyone there hates the job except for her, just a total ray of sunshine, like working there is the best thing to ever happen to her. Don’t know why she’s like that, but everyone wants her on their shift. Cheerful people make life better.”
I kept talking on the walk, moving quickly and keeping her busy just chatting about life, talking about the other people in Britt’s and my orbit that she hadn’t met yet, going from Delaney to Haley and then to the various girls Haley had pulled into our circle by hooking up with them, as I got down to the café on the first floor and silently ordered a chocolate croissant like the one I knew I’d seen Sapphire eyeing enviously yesterday and I was pretty sure she still hadn’t gotten. Almost blew my cover once I got to the hotel, because the lobby was so loud and chatty once I got inside that Sapphire stopped.
“Madeleine—are you out somewhere?”
“Oh, yeah, just grabbing something.”
“God, I’m sorry. I had no idea. I can call you back—”
“Nah. It’s more fun with you. Just getting in an elevator, so I might lose you for a second.”
She laughed. “I’m sure you could have fun without me rambling. You could just call Delaney instead.”
“Just call her up out of nowhere?” I laughed. “I mean, if it’s going to be anyone, it’s Delaney.”
I felt light as I walked down the hall making small talk, and I paused at her room, waiting until she was in the middle of a sentence before I knocked.
“Oh—sorry,” she said, and I heard her voice from two directions. “Someone’s at the door, um…”
“That’s weird,” I said lightly, and I scanned my card to get in. Sapphire made a wild noise down the line, and I heard her rustling from inside as I pushed open the door.
“Madeleine—”
“Hope I’m not bothering you,” I called, stepping into the room to see Sapphire sitting up in bed, her hands clasped over her mouth, giving me an incredulous look.
“Oh my god—you didn’t need to—”
I held up the bag. “Chocolate croissant? Should make us even for the cookies.”
She melted into a look like she’d cry. “ Madeleine, ” she said, and she spun to the side, standing up quickly, and I guess I hadn’t really thought through the logistics on her part, because she was wearing pajamas with no pants, but I didn’t get the time to apologize and back away before she threw herself on me in a hug. “God, you’re so good. You know you didn’t need to do that.”
I laughed, holding her into me and squeezing. She’d just gotten out of the shower, judging by the sweet freshly-washed smell from her hair, but—I wasn’t here to hold a half-naked woman and smell her hair. I really had bad luck with Sapphire.
Good luck, maybe, looking at it from another angle. I put that thought very far aside.
“I know,” I said. “But I saw you ogling that chocolate croissant at the café yesterday, so…”
“Oh, god.” She buried her face against my shoulder. “Oh, I’m way too obvious.”
“I was just paying attention,” I laughed. “Um… Sapphire.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you… want to put pants on?”
She stiffened against me, quiet for a second, before she said, “I… am so sorry.”
“I’m the one who barged in with no warning. You’re good.”
She cleared her throat, stepping back away, not quite looking at me. “Yeah, I’m just going to, uh…” She pointed at her dresser. The poor girl was flushed bright red out to her ears… I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t kind of cute.
“I’ll leave the croissant here and… go to the bathroom for a second.”
“Yes. Right. Reasonable.”
I’d seen her in less, realistically, when she was wearing a towel, but something about literally catching her with her pants down made it feel more revealing than anything… and when I accidentally caught a glimpse of her from behind on my way into the bathroom, it happened to be right when she was bending over to open her dresser, which really didn’t help anything.
I needed to get myself under control. Maybe it was something to do with my cycle if I was getting equal parts horny and emotional, but I have a boyfriend was only one of the reasons not to check out my friend.
Ah, whatever. It’d pass.