Chapter 9
Sapphire
I stirred against the golden sunlight that filtered in through thin white curtains, feeling like the window was supposed to be on a different wall… I’d thought the bed was across from the window. I shifted, stifling a yawn, and my soul left my body when I turned and found Madeleine in bed next to me, her brow furrowed, lips parted, fast asleep.
God, I must have fallen asleep here. I’d intended to go back to the hotel once Madeleine had cried it out of her system and felt a little better, but she hadn’t wanted to let me go—or maybe I just didn’t want to go and so I interpreted every little thing as a sign that she wanted me to stay—so I’d told myself I’d go sleep on the couch once Madeleine fell asleep. I must have fallen asleep first. In her bed. Like some kind of creeper.
Madeleine made a small noise in the back of her throat, shifting uncomfortably. She looked like she was having a bad dream… I hung there in indecision for a second before I shifted her by the shoulder. She startled awake, eyes wide, taking a sharp breath, and I squeezed her shoulder.
“Hey. Madeleine. It’s okay. Just a dream.”
She blinked fast, looking at me with I think the same look I’d given her when I woke up. “Sapphire?”
Well, I guess we’d turned the tables. I smiled. “The one and only.”
“Are… are you okay?” Her voice was a rasp in her throat, eyes darting, and I stroked my thumb over her shoulder.
“I’m okay. You’re okay. Even Britt’s okay, but you probably wouldn’t mind if she weren’t.”
That got a smile out of her, her eye motion settling down, and I relaxed for half a second before she shifted closer to me and balled up in my arms. My soul left my body, somehow, a second time. “I’m glad…” she whispered, and I had to swallow to get the anxious lump out of my throat and respond.
“Do you want to go back to sleep?”
“What time is it…?”
I fumbled reaching for my phone on the nightstand behind me. “Nine o’clock. We only finally got to sleep at almost three.”
“Are you getting up?”
I paused. “I think so… I feel awake.”
Somehow, my soul left my body another time, because she pressed her face into my shoulder, pulled me tighter into her, and said, “Don’t go yet…”
“O-okay.” I was going to go from this mortal plane if we kept doing this. Who needed an alarm clock? I’d never been so awake in my life. “I’m right here. You can relax.”
“Mm…” She nestled closer to me, and I hesitated before I pulled the blanket up higher over the two of us, and I wrapped an arm over her back and held her into me.
“Get to sleep, Madeleine.”
“You’re so good…”
It was the last thing I got out of her—another minute or two and she was asleep again, her expression peaceful this time. I ached watching her breathe, the small, quiet movements of her chest, that peaceful look on her face…
If I stayed here, I’d either kiss her or lose my mind. I slipped out from her arms, careful not to wake her up again, and I crept out the door, and my soul left my body a fourth time when I shut the door quietly and turned back to where Britt was standing about two inches from me.
“Jesus—Britt. You scared me a little.”
She grinned. “Sleeping Beauty in there still snoring away?”
“Ah, um, yes. Well, she doesn’t snore. I mean, I didn’t notice her snoring. Just a little bad dream.” I scratched my head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to end up staying here overnight—”
She put a finger to her lips. “You’re a part of the group now. Now, do you want this cheese Danish or do you not?”
I blinked. “Well, I do.”
“Great. Put on some coffee while I warm it up. You’re a part of the group, which means you get to pitch in too, and I don’t want to be bothered making coffee this early.”
I beamed, basking in the glow of it, before I stopped with an awkward lump. “Um… say, uh…”
Britt’s face fell, and she sighed. “I’ll show you how to make coffee.”
I scratched my head, looking away. “You’re the best… I just don’t know how to use the grinder.”
I didn’t know the first thing about how to look after myself or be an adult at all, but it sounded better if I just said I didn’t know how to work the grinder.
Still, even though Britt, dressed in a pink Hello Kitty nightrobe, was a little grumpy and bedraggled, it was nice not only being part of something, but to be a part of something where it was normal to be groggy still at nine in the morning. My father always preached the virtues of waking up at five, and I really did try to do it, but… it didn’t exactly supercharge my days like it did his. We got to match each other’s energy as I put on coffee with her help and she sliced up some fruits to go with our pastry, and she offered me Madeleine’s seat at the table as we sat down for breakfast, and I was one bite in before I choked, because that was when Britt hit me with, “So, sounds like you two had a cute little morning moment.”
“Uh—” I wiped my face, using a sip of coffee as a distraction. A bit bitter. I might have overdone it. “W-what do you mean?”
“I have good hearing.” And a smug smile. She had that too. I looked away, my face prickling.
“She was just having a bad dream…”
She laughed, but her voice softened when she spoke. “I’m glad you came over for her. It means a lot to her.”
“I really didn’t intend to fall asleep here. Let alone come out here and eat your breakfast.”
“I told you, you’re a part of the group. You can come sleep with Madeleine any time you want to.”
I choked again. “Um—thanks.”
She turned back towards Madeleine’s door, cradling her coffee cup, and she was quiet for a while before she said, “I hear you met the boyfriend.”
“Oh. Um. Kind of.”
“I hear he brushed you off. Madeleine was filled with righteous fury about it.”
I scratched my head. “I told her, she doesn’t need to be upset on my behalf…”
“Don’t even try that. She’s upset on your behalf in the same way you’d be upset with someone who insulted her that way.”
I paused, lips pursed. Obviously if someone were mean to Madeleine, I’d kind of want to tie them to a stone and throw them in the Chicago River, but—I doubted that quite went the same way. I was the one with a huge crush. She was normal.
Britt went on, her gaze off in the distance. “They met a year or so ago now. Started dating in February. And frankly, I don’t know if Madeleine’s really been into it for one minute that whole time, but I think she just thinks… you know, that’s what she deserves. That it’s what she’s worth.”
“What… what do you mean, what she deserves? A relationship she doesn’t feel much for?”
“A half-there ghost of a relationship, that’s what. Someone who doesn’t really pay any attention to her or even seem to want her beyond just… wanting the status of having a girlfriend and she fits the bill.”
I pursed my lips, cradling my coffee in both hands and looking down into it. Obviously in my wildest fantasies, I wanted Madeleine to dump him and just spend all her time with me, but… but that kind of made me a terrible person. “You think he hasn’t been treating her very well, then.”
“It’s not like he’s doing anything bad outright,” she said. “But only because he’s not doing anything. They haven’t had proper couple time together in weeks. Madeleine’s a catch, and I don’t think she realizes it, because I think she’s just internalizing this idea that she’s only worth keeping around for the sake of having a girlfriend and not to actually be with her.”
I sighed. “That’s awful.”
“She deserves a lot better. But she’d punch me if I told her that.”
I gave her a soft smile. “You two have such a fun friendship. I love it.”
She grinned. “Mads is like a sister to me. Like a grumpy older sister who thinks she’s supposed to take on the weight of the world and you just want to set her straight so she can be happy.”
“How old is she?”
“Twenty-five. You’d think she’s a hundred with that broody aura.” She took a bite of melon from the plate, and she just casually side-hooked me out of left field with, “So, you like her, right?”
“The—I—?” I almost spilled my coffee. “What do you mean?” I said, my voice too high-pitched. Britt just smiled, and I think I had a heart attack. “What do you—I mean, yeah, she’s a good friend, she’s lovely, I like her plenty.” I didn’t know how to speak. My voice came out like a bad speech synthesizer. Britt just kept giving me that smile, and I looked away, scratching my head. “I don’t know what you mean. I mean, she’s very nice.”
“Do you need me to clarify?”
No. I didn’t. “Um…”
“You want to make out with her, kind of liking her.”
“Uh.” I definitely didn’t normally make that sound. I felt like my face would burn right off. “She, uh… Britt, she has a boyfriend.”
She laughed. “So, I’m taking that as a yes.”
“Britt—”
“Girl, it’s okay to have feelings. God knows I’ve crushed on girls who are taken. I mean—” She put a hand over her face, looking away. “This one time I was completely useless over a married man for like three months. It wasn’t my proudest moment. Don’t look at me.”
I laughed nervously. “I guess he was something special.”
“He did cosplay. I’m a sucker for cosplayers. God, it’s so easy for someone to get me to fall for them, and still nobody’s doing it. Anyway, answer the question.”
Well, if she was hanging herself out to dry like that, I guess I could, too. I held the cup closer to my face, lowering my gaze. “I form crushes way too easily… so, um, yes. But she saved my life, seriously. It’s impossible not to have feelings like that.”
“God, tell me about it. It’s so romantic it makes me sick.”
I felt a nervous lump, letting out a shaky little laugh. “Um… sorry?”
She gave me a playful push on the shoulder. “Just wanted to let you know it’s okay to feel that way. I won’t tell her. I mean, kinda already told her I was pretty sure you had a crush on her—”
“Britt,” I said, clasping my hands over my face.
“—but I won’t tell her you told me yourself.”
I hung my head. “Oh my god… have I been that easy to figure out?”
“Yeah. But don’t worry, Mads is clueless when it comes to pretty girls.”
I turned back to the table, hunching over my plate and taking a bite of food, mumbling through it. “I’m nothing that special.”
“Yeah, bullshit,” she said lightly. “You’re gorgeous. And more importantly, Mads thinks you are.”
“Britt…” I looked away. “Don’t mess with my feelings, okay?”
“All right, all right. So, how are you feeling about the job search?”
I laughed awkwardly. “Um… resumes are hard, that’s how I’m feeling. What am I supposed to do with the fact that I have zero experience?”
“I’m sure you must have done something in college we can bullshit into sounding like a job.”
“Not really. I studied a lot… spent a lot of time at the dorms. My roommates were kind of messy, so, uh, I kind of had to clean up after them a lot.”
She pointed at me. “Perfect. You were doing cleaning work on the side.”
I blinked. “Um… no, I wasn’t.”
“Easy. We won’t frame it like it was a proper job, just use some vague language and make it sound like it was a little side hustle. If they ask about it, just call your roommates your clients and don’t let it out that you were living with them cleaning your own home.”
I shifted in the seat, folding my hands on the table. “Um… that doesn’t feel like it’s allowed.”
“Ah, don’t worry about it. Everyone else is bullshitting their work history too. The point’s just to show you’re not a useless klutz. C’mon, get your phone and let’s apply for something.”
Just because everyone else was lying—which I somehow felt was an exaggeration—didn’t mean I felt good lying, but there was no avoiding Britt sweeping me up into her pace. We were well into it by the time the door creaked open and I looked over at where Madeleine stepped out into the hall with the cutest bushy bedhead, her oversized pajamas a little rumpled, and she did a double-take at the sight of me.
“Oh… Sapphire. Hey.”
“Good morning.” I stood up, feeling like I was bubbling over just at the sight of her. I really was a hopeless case… “Are you feeling any better now?”
“Mm.” She looked away, scratching her head. “Yeah… some sleep did me good. Thanks for last night.”
Britt said what I needed her not to. “Had a good morning cuddle?”
Madeleine blinked. I put my hands up. “It’s nothing,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.”
She rubbed her forehead. “Don’t tell me I did something embarrassing this morning…”
“No!” I blurted. Britt laughed.
“You wouldn’t let Sapphire get up—”
“You were just having a bad dream, and I woke you up a little on my way out of the bedroom—”
“I could hear you dragging her back into bed and telling her not to go,” Britt hummed, and I needed to push her out of the chair. I laughed awkwardly.
“Um… you—you just wanted a hug,” I mumbled. Madeleine dragged a hand over her face, looking away.
“Jesus Christ. Er… I apologize.”
“Oh, don’t apologize,” Britt said, turning back to finish her food. “Sapph loved it. Now, there’s some fruit and pastry and coffee, if it hasn’t all gone off waiting for you to haul your crusty ass out of bed.”
“Hey—who’s crusty? Me, or the one who fell asleep with mascara on and looks like a panda?”
“Ah, crap,” Britt said, rubbing her face. “I forgot about it.”
We sat and talked over breakfast together, small talk—avoiding the awkward, scary subject that was Madeleine and Tristan—and it felt like a guilty pleasure, how easy it was to be around both of them. How comfortable it felt.
But eventually, Britt stood up saying she was getting to her friend Meg’s place before her weekend job, and she went and grabbed a shower, stopping to pop Madeleine’s collar on her way. Madeleine shot her a look, fixing her collar, and then it was just the two of us in the nervous silence, my heart beating faster just being around her.
I didn’t know what Britt was doing. She should have been talking me down from having a stupid crush like this. I was just being a creep, at this point.
“How are you feeling?” I said, my voice softer now, and Madeleine looked away.
“I’m all right…”
“It’s okay to not be all right.”
“Thanks.” She took a long breath, letting her head hang. “But I think I am. I feel a little sick, but I’ll be okay. I, uh… thanks. For being there last night.”
“Of course. We’re in this thing together.”
She gave me the kind of smile that would probably make me fall for her on the spot if I wasn’t already. “Lucky me.”
“Lucky me, ” I laughed. “I mean, I get fashion tips as a bonus.”
She grinned. “And I’m still expecting you to give me those makeup tips. So we’re even.”
“Hey, I’m down. Whenever you like.”
She let out a long, slow sigh, closing her eyes. “What am I even supposed to say to him?”
“About… about the makeup?”
She gave me a dry smile. I flushed.
“Oh. Right. Sorry. Um…” I shifted. “Tell him what you’re feeling. I think like… if the relationship is worth keeping, then he’ll understand even if it’s not worded perfectly.”
She looked down sharply, a dark look in her eyes. “I’m not expecting a relationship where I can just say whatever I want, without tact, and expect—”
“I-I know. But you’re not. There’s a big difference between being outright hurtful and just being clumsy with difficult words.”
“I’m the one bringing this up. It’s my responsibility to do it in a fair, tactful way.”
I looked down. “I mean, you know better than I do what’s right for the relationship. I just think it’s okay to be able to present messy feelings and work it out together. Like… he’s your partner, not your boss.”
“But…” She raked her fingers back through her hair. The poor woman looked so stressed, so anxious… I just wanted to hold her, but she wasn’t a hugger. “I don’t want to hurt him or make him think he’s doing anything wrong. He’s just doing what he’s doing, and I’m the one causing problems by wanting something different than what we’ve been doing.”
“You… sound like you’re preparing for a court case.”
She gave me a wild, short laugh. “What?”
“I mean—” I put my hands up. “It’s not a court of law where there’s these defined rules and procedures. It’s just the two of you. There’s no right or wrong answer. Just… whatever helps both of you get to what’s happiest.”
“But I…” She got this—this look in her face that was so deeply, achingly sad, and it broke my heart just seeing it. She rested her forehead in her hand, looking down at the floor. “But he’s happy with things as they are.”
“Well…” I pursed my lips, chewing on the thought. “Be that as it may, there’s two people in this relationship. And a system that only makes half the people in it happy doesn’t sound like a very good one.”
She swallowed, taking a long, shaky breath. “But… it would make a lot more sense to just…”
She trailed off, going quiet. I waited anxiously for what felt like hours before I said, “To just what?”
“Forget it.” She shook her head, standing up. “Sorry. I don’t mean to dump all this on you. You’re dealing with enough.”
“Madeleine—I want to know,” I said, standing up with her, and she turned away, leaning against the wall with her back to me. “If… if it’s okay.”
After a second, she said, “You’re too good for this world, you know that?” She glanced back over her shoulder, giving me a sad smile. “Your situation is a lot more pressing than mine. Maybe once you’ve gotten comfortable and established into a safe place, then I can dump all my bullshit on you.”
I wondered if that meant she was too worried to put things on me or if it meant I shouldn’t have been weighing in like I knew anything when I didn’t even have a job or a home or really anything to my name. Maybe the former, but I knew I was going to take it as the latter no matter how hard I tried. I put on a smile. “You’re welcome to tell me anything, anytime. Even when I have other things on my plate. We’re in this together.”
She smiled thinly at me for a long time before she nodded, turning back towards her bedroom. “I’m going to get changed and head out to catch Tristan at his house. You can stay here as long as you like, help yourself to food or anything.”
“Oh, um. I should get back to my hotel room. I kind of need a shower and some fresh clothes.”
“Do you need help getting there?”
She talked with her back to me, and I ached wondering what it was on her face that she didn’t want me to see. “Nah. I’m getting pretty good with the layout around here.”
“All right. Well… I’ll see you later, Sapphire.”
Layers of self-doubt still hung anxious in my mind as I headed out the door, going down to ground level and out into a gloomy, chilly day with a thin drizzle, the kind where it wasn’t raining but it wasn’t not raining either. Walking with my head down trying not to bump into people, my head went in circles around Madeleine—retracing every step of the conversation, convincing myself I’d said too much or maybe I’d said too little or maybe somehow both, and I was a wreck by the time I got back to the hotel, and under the glitzy and glamorous chandeliers and ornate decorations of the lobby, I felt all of that leave my mind and my heart drop through the floor at the sight of the last person I could afford to see right now, standing by the desk and chatting with the staffer there.
Andrew. Dressed down in a light sport coat today. Guess it was the weekend.
He glanced over and met my eyes, and my blood froze in my veins, a sick feeling running through me and I suddenly couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t think—the sick anxiety felt like ink in my stomach, in my head, dark clouds of it churning, and all I could do was silently plead for this all to stop as he pushed off from the desk and came towards me.
“I’ve been looking for you,” he said lightly, casually, as if I’d just come home late from an outing. As if I knew what that was like. I forced out shaky words I could barely hear myself.
“What do you want, Andrew?”
He smiled, relaxed his posture, one hand in his trouser pockets. “I’ve always told you not to ask questions you know the answer to. Your father’s worried about you.”
I was a goddamn idiot right now, because the answer my mouth gave me was, “And my mother isn’t?”
He shrugged. “Your mother’s been worried about you your whole life. That’s nothing different. It’s worth noting when your father is.”
I pursed my lips, taking a long breath. “I’m not going back, Andrew. I… I think I made it clear.”
“You did.” He shrugged casually, one shoulder in a light raise. “But that doesn’t make any of us not worried about you. I’ve been hoping to find you.”
“Well, good job. You found me.”
“And what are you doing here?” He gestured to the hotel lobby. “Just going to live in a hotel room like a drifting vagrant?”
I pushed down the sick feelings in my stomach, forcing in a long breath. I hadn’t been breathing much. It helped clear up the cloud in my head—just a little. “I’m finding a job. And a place to live.”
He gave me an incredulous smile. “A job? Doing what, waiting tables?”
I bristled. “I don’t know. Maybe. Why not? Whatever helps me pay rent.”
“It’s not a good look to cosplay as the underprivileged. It’s not a vacation to go experience.”
I squeezed my hands tightly, feeling my fingernails dig into my palms. “It’s not a vacation at all. I don’t intend on going back. This is my life now, Andrew.”
“Sapphire. Please.” He put a hand up. “You’re a bright, talented young woman with an incredible amount of potential in life, but this isn’t where your potential is. You’ll do great things in life, but not if you choose to throw it away doing menial work struggling to get by.”
I gritted my teeth. My heart was pounding so fast, so hard, I thought I’d pass out, and I didn’t know at this point if it was more frustration or panic that was coursing through me and making me queasy. “Then I’ll just have to do well instead of struggling to get by, won’t I?”
“This isn’t exactly the way to do that. You don’t know how to do this kind of thing. And—”
“No, but I have friends,” I blurted. “People who do know. And they’re helping me. I am figuring it out.” I threw out the biggest smile I could, pretending I wasn’t scared to death. “I mean, I even have a metro card now.”
He smiled softly. “Do you want to tell me what it was you fought with your parents over? We can smooth things out.”
My throat tightened again. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m not going home. And that’s final.”
“How much are you comfortable asking for help from these friends before they start asking for something back?”
I hesitated. “They… they’re good friends. We’re just… in this thing together.”
“Do you want them to be implicated when your mother inevitably finds out they’re the ones helping you lay low from her?”
I felt like I’d throw up. It hit me like a punch to the throat, and I felt my eyes prickle. I hadn’t even thought about it… of course I hadn’t thought about it. Andrew softened.
“I support you doing what makes you happiest, Sapphire. And honestly? I think if you go back now, things will be better than they were before. Your parents won’t baby you as much now that they’ve seen you’re capable of getting out into the world and being your own woman. And now that they see what happens when they get unreasonable with you, they won’t push you as far. I don’t doubt this was an important part of your growth. But you don’t need to stick blindly to a path that you know will hurt you just because you started doing it. Let’s go home.”
I struggled regulating my breathing for a second before I pushed out, in a thin, reedy voice, “I am going home, Andrew.”
He hung his head. “No, you’re not. You’re desperate looking for a home trying to piece your life together. And I don’t want to see you like that. What am I supposed to tell your father?”
It felt so much easier to tell off my father than Andrew. I shook my head. “Tell him what I told you. That I’m not going back there. And I will find a home, a… a life. I’m not a child anymore, Andrew.”
“Indeed.” He stood up straighter, giving me a tired smile, before he pulled a small envelope from his pocket, the size of a credit card. “Then let me at least give you this.”
I paused. “What is it…?”
“Home. Your father has an old property in the city under your name. Did it to lessen the tax burden, but now that we’re here, it’s yours, not his.”
My throat tightened. “There… I own a property in the city and you never told me?”
“It was never intended to be yours. Supposed to be part of the family. Belonged to your great-grandfather. But please, at least do this. I won’t be able to rest in good conscience knowing you’re homeless.”
Something felt sick in my mouth, my head spinning, dizzy and weak. Just like that—it shouldn’t have been possible, not that easily, not that readily. And the idea of taking it felt like cheating—that I’d set out here committed to live real life, to escape the ivory tower. Taking the envelope would be giving up.
But it would also mean escaping from the sheer panic that had clouded every minute of my time since I’d left. It would mean safety. And it would mean putting less pressure on Madeleine and Britt—putting them less in harm’s way.
I was going to be sick. But I took the envelope. The weight of a key sat in the palm of my hand, and I tightened my fingers around it.
“Where is it?” I said, my voice small.
“The address is inside the envelope. It’s not far from here. The place is a bit old and has only had minimal maintenance, and it’s… well, it’s smaller than the house you know. But it’s bigger than a hotel room.”
I gripped the envelope tighter, looking down at it. Andrew put a hand on my shoulder as he walked past me, heading for the doors.
“Let me know when you’re ready to come home, Sapphire. You know how to reach me.”
I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything. How could I try to retort when I took his handout? When I gave up, cheated my way out?
I hadn’t realized how selfish leaving was going to be.