Chapter 8
Madeleine
Tristan didn’t call me.
I tried not to let it get to me. He texted me about forty minutes after he’d left, saying hey, I’m really sorry, but the boss urgently needs me and Jason back in the office, so I’ll call you tonight instead, and I’d been a petty little bitch and just responded with k, see you then.
I was not letting it ruin my day. Not when I was genuinely having fun. I just focused on Sapphire, as we got to the hotel together and I felt a little out-of-place with the people around in sleek suits, all looking busy and stressed. Looking like Tristan.
Sapphire, though, was the exact opposite of me—she carried on like the place was nothing special, strolling with a casual kind of confidence, and we went up to the front desk, ornate wood in front of a massive intricate mural. The woman behind the desk smiled warmly at her, setting the desk phone down.
“Hello, ma’am. Can I help you with something?”
“Hi! I’m with Stanton Group, and my friend here is with the architecture department at IIT, considering the Peninsula for a project. Would it be all right if we went upstairs, looked around?”
The woman beamed, bending down and pulling out a clipboard. “Of course, ma’am. We’ll be happy to let you look at a vacant suite right now as well, just as long as you sign this liability statement for any damages.”
“Ah—you’re the best. Does Kelly Chun still work here?”
“She does. She’s not in today, though, I’m sorry.”
“Okay, can you not tell her that I came here? I don’t need gossip going around…”
The woman laughed like they were old friends. I did not understand what was happening, and even after Sapphire got a card and led me away from the desk, I was spinning. She waved the card at me, beaming, a bounce in her step.
“Hey, the name-drop worked.”
“What the hell was that?”
“Kelly Chun is the person who helped us when we were here before,” she laughed. “I don’t really want her telling my father I’m here…”
That was not what I was referring to, but what the hell. I was too excited to focus anyway. I waited until I was around the corner and into the lobby before I hugged her—just so excited it felt like I’d burst—and she squeaked in surprise.
“This is amazing, ” I gushed. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
She laughed, squeezing me back. Girl had gotten better at hugging. She was a quick study. “Even better than some Hilton reward points?”
“Even better,” I laughed. I stepped back from the hug, giving her an incredulous smile. “And what’s all that about the architecture department, on the fly like that?”
She batted her eyelashes. “I mean, it’s true…”
“Yeah, technically .”
“What, should I go back and explain it to her?”
“Absolutely not. I can’t believe you got us the chance to view a suite. Oh my god, it’s so gorgeous,” I said, turning to take it all in, not even caring how I looked in front of Sapphire right now.
Maybe one day, Tristan would let me tell him what had been going on. Probably by that point, there would be so much he wouldn’t even believe me.
∞∞∞
“Okay, what?” Britt laughed, pulling the chair out from my desk and swiveling it around to face me, sitting down cross-legged. I didn’t look up from AutoCAD on my tablet.
“Hi, Britt. How were things with Sapphire?”
“Yeah, great,” she said, her voice loaded. “Told me all about her taking you out for the most fucked-up thing I’ve ever heard.”
I paused, looking up from the screen. “Uh—what’d she say? How is it fucked-up?”
She put her hands up. “Because I am giving the fuck up on romance after hearing about the date she took you on.”
“Oh, god…” I looked back down at my tablet, but I couldn’t help my face. Britt caught it, because of course she did.
“That stupid little smile,” she said. “Oh my god. You know it too.”
“Lay off, Britt.”
“She just wanted you to feel better, so she took you to the fucking Peninsula? From what she said, sounds like she drilled into what your dream date would be and magicked it up right away. Jesus! Why can’t I have something like that? I need to go sit in the park and wait for the girl of my dreams to tap me on the shoulder too.”
“Eh. You’d get a little old lady who’s part of a human trafficking scheme instead.”
She leaned forwards, hands planted on her knees. “So? How was the Peninsula?”
I focused on the screen, tapping away at something I didn’t even need to adjust. “What do you mean, how was it? Obviously, it was obscenely gorgeous. And I got a million pictures. And sketched the room and half the interior. It was a good pick-me-up after that whole thing.”
“With Tristan?”
I looked up. “She told you about him?”
She grinned like the cat that got the canary. “No, but you did just now. She was talking about something getting you down and you should have seen the jealousy in this girl’s eyes. I had a feeling it was T.”
I sighed, setting down the tablet and kicking my feet up on the coffee table, looking out the window. “Britt… it’s not like you’re imagining. Tristan’s just getting screwed over with work right now, and it’s spilling over to annoy me too, and Sapphire is a good friend, so she took me for a pick-me-up.”
“So she met him? How’d it go?”
I sighed. “It was fine. Quick. He had to run.”
“Hm.” She turned, sitting sideways in the chair. I had no idea how she was even doing it—the laws of geometry shifting to accommodate her bisexuality, nothing in this world that could stop her from sitting sideways. “So why’d she look so sad?”
“It’s—” I rubbed my forehead. “It’s because you have this little fantasy in your mind, so of course you have to believe she was sad.”
“C’mon, Mads. You and I both deserve the truth.”
“God, Britt, just promise not to run away with this. I’m a little annoyed with him, is all. I don’t mind him being busy all the time and stuff, just—it annoys me that he ignored Sapphire. Talked about her like she wasn’t there and talked to me even when she’d introduced herself to him directly, blowing her off. So I’m annoyed with him, but I know it’s just him being… in a state right now, and so I’m going to give him shit when I finally get a chance to talk to him. But he told me oh, I’ll call you later and then said oh, sorry, can’t do now, call you tonight, and here I am, after my shift, waiting by the goddamn phone and nothing.” I raked my hair back. “Just… I don’t know why it’s getting to me.”
Britt opened her mouth, and I spoke before I could help myself.
“Please don’t go rambling off like girl just dump him. That’s not what I need right now. Cherry pancakes. I mean it.”
She softened, shoulders dropping, and quietly, she stood up, heading for the kitchen. She didn’t say a word, and I went fuming back to my tablet, although I wasn’t getting anything productive done right now. Finally, though, once the bite of anger had mellowed out, Britt said, “Do you want some tea, coffee, anything?”
“Are you having anything?”
“Gonna make a little coffee.”
“Yeah, I’ll take a little bit… thanks.”
She set the French press up to go, grinding the beans and dumping them in, and she brought it over with two little cups before she sat on the couch next to me and spoke quietly. “Sorry about the whole situation.”
“It’s… it’s fine. Sorry for losing my temper.” I slumped back on the couch, picking up my phone and scrolling through it. Still nothing from Tristan. Still the cute pictures of Sapphire in her new hat. Those things had been giving me serotonin all day, seeing how carefree and happy she looked.
She had a lot more on her plate than I did. Why could she be like that and I couldn’t?
“Just don’t know why it’s getting to me,” I said. “We’ve been talking less and less often, and it never really bothered me until just… all of a sudden. I like space. I don’t want someone all over me.”
She pulled her feet up onto the couch, socks with cartoon cats on, and she mulled it over for a minute before she said, “You haven’t minded it with Sapphire.”
“It’s different. It’s like… we have an objective.”
“Are you sure you like space and distance? Or is that just what you’ve settled for?”
I shrank into myself a little. I wanted to back out of this conversation too, call the safe word and run for it, but… I knew I needed to hear it. Somewhere deep down. Not because I wanted to face this, but because I wanted to figure out what the hell was making me so upset when I’d had such a great day minus one tiny little annoyance. “I had my fill of clingy with Rose,” I said, finally.
“Was it the clingy you didn’t like, or the part where she suffocated you doing the things you like doing?”
“What do you mean…?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Just… you didn’t get a chance to focus on your dreams when you were dating her. She wanted it to be all about her, all the time, blah-blah-blah.” She shrugged, swirling the French press lightly, idly. “So I get why you pulled away and went for someone like Tristan, where you see him once a month like ships passing in the night. But maybe you’re just, like… maybe what you really need is someone who makes you feel seen.”
“Rose saw me plenty.”
“No, she didn’t. She talked to you plenty, but I don’t know if she saw you plenty. And Tristan doesn’t talk to you or see you.”
I felt a little queasy. I took the French press, pushing down lightly on the plunger, focusing on anything I could do with my hands, just keeping busy. Britt kept going, whether I wanted her to or not.
“Maybe you want someone who shares their life with you and is also interested in you and your life.”
“We all want that,” I muttered.
“Oh—okay. Great. Good first step. So you admit you want that.”
“Well—” I poured the coffee into our cups, focusing on filling them up to the upper end of the handles before I picked up mine, cradling it with both hands. I looked out the window. “Genuinely, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want that.”
“So why aren’t you trying to get it?”
“It’s fine. I have enough of it. Not everyone gets everything.”
She stared at me. I wanted to rip my own skin off under the attention, and I couldn’t bear it for long.
“How’s job-hunting going for her, anyway?” I said, and she gave me an odd smile.
“She sure is… excitable. Scrolled through listings asking her if anything caught her interest and this girl is deadass just like, all of them. I wish I had that kind of enthusiasm about work.”
“Ah, bright-eyed naivety.”
“Any job openings at your café?”
I scrunched up my face. “I mean, I guess I could ask… I don’t actually know. Haley would probably traumatize her.”
“She’ll find something. I’m just worried about the interview. I had her do a practice interview and she, um… she’s a bit too honest.”
I laughed drily. “Why am I not surprised?”
She sipped her coffee, a delicate little sip—that was always her thing, dainty little sips until it cooled down to a very specific temperature, and then knocking the whole thing back. She was more sixteen thousand idiosyncrasies in a pink-and-blue trench coat than she was a person.
“I’m gonna say something you don’t like,” she said. I groaned.
“Beautiful. Okay, let’s hear it.”
“A relationship is supposed to make your life better.”
“Britt—he does make my life better.”
“You don’t need to go before the jury with an argument to leave someone. I’m not getting enough attention is a totally valid reason.”
“I don’t like attention.”
She laughed. “Yeah, you do. You want someone to notice you need a change of subject, figure out someplace you’d love to visit, and take you there without hesitation.”
“For crying out loud, Britt.” I stood up, taking my coffee in hand and tucking my tablet under my arm. “Thanks for hearing me out. I need to be closed up alone in a room right now.”
“All right,” she said, raising a hand. “What’re you doing with the day off tomorrow?”
I’d been hoping for a date. It had been ages, and it was rare for me to get a weekend off, and Tristan had promised to take me out for dinner and a museum date.
But he’d also promised he’d call tonight. And it was getting close to midnight now.
“Dunno,” I said. “I’ll see how I’m feeling tomorrow. If I don’t see you again, night.”
“Night.” She paused. “Sorry if I went too far.”
I hung in my doorway, sighing, before I stepped inside and shut the door. I set down my coffee and collapsed on the bed, and I lay there quiet for a minute before I found myself texting Sapphire.
Sleep any easier tonight?
She replied immediately. Seemed like she was liking the new phone. Yep! fast asleep right now. dreaming of swanky hotels
I laughed, the feeling like panacea. well I’m going to have some trouble falling asleep, so do you want to sleep-talk?
sure! you can call and I’ll miraculously wake up to answer it
I called, and she didn’t sound like she just woke up. Little liar. “Hey, you,” she said.
“You’re back safe in your hotel?”
“Yep. Britt walked me back after job prep stuff.”
“Was it good?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, it’s a short walk.”
“The… the job prep stuff.”
“Oh my god. Right. Yeah,” she said, her voice softening. “It’s really good of her.”
“She’s really good,” I said gently. “Ah… I think I just made her think I’m mad at her.”
She paused. “Are you mad at her?”
“No… a little bit, but you know, it’s not like she’s wrong.”
“Mm. That’s hard, though, when someone you care about tells you something you need to hear but you don’t want to hear… it’s a lot of complicated feelings at once.”
“No kidding…” I rolled onto my side, looking through the slats in the blinds at my view out onto the street, flaring up with lights from cars passing below.
“What were you talking about?”
I hung there in the balance, agonizing over it for ages, before I said, “Well… my boyfriend. She doesn’t like him.”
“Oh… do you?”
I sat up straight. “Do I like my boyfriend?”
“Sorry, that’s a weird question,” she said through a nervous laugh.
“Of course I like my boyfriend. I’m dating him.”
“Okay. Sorry. I don’t know why I asked that.”
I sighed. Frustration was flaring up at the front of my mind, and I had to bite it back. I was prickling at her and just going to make them both think I was mad at them.
At that point, maybe I was the problem. And maybe the problem was that I didn’t actually know the answer.
I mean, I loved him. But I didn’t like him much when he was being like this.
“I… I don’t know,” I mumbled, sinking back onto my side.
“You don’t know what?”
“If I… like him.” My voice came out so small, so thin, so weak, it was like it wasn’t there. Sapphire was quiet for a long time before she spoke in a whisper, matching me.
“How long have you felt like that?”
“Since… I… I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t want to put this on you—”
“I want you to. You’re invested in my thing. I’m invested in yours. C’mon. We’re here for each other, right?”
I swallowed, hard. A person who shared their life with me and was also interested in mine… Sapphire was just my friend, and she was already fulfilling the ideal relationship better than my boyfriend was.
“I think it’s kind of… come on slowly,” I murmured. “But if I’m being honest, he kind of pissed me off earlier today when he just ignored you entirely and talked right past you like you were an object.”
“Oh—um—” She fumbled with words, and I could just see that little thing she did with nervously pointing her feet when she was flustered. “Th-that’s not really a problem for me… he’s got a lot on his plate. I know he’s busy.”
Jesus Christ, that was what I sounded like to Britt. It was unbelievable how easily don’t put yourself down for him came to me when it was about Sapphire instead of me.
“Um… Madeleine?”
“Sorry. I’m here. I’m good.” I took a shaky breath and let out a long sigh. “I’m… I think I’m gonna have to have a talk with him.”
“Oh, my god. About what?”
“Our relationship.”
She was quiet for a second before she said, “That sounds really scary to sit with. Are you okay?”
Who was this girl fooling, saying she didn’t have people skills? “No,” I said, my voice cracking, and Sapphire let out a soft noise down the line.
“It’s okay to cry. I’m listening.”
“I don’t know what I’m crying about,” I said, my voice thick, tears hot in my eyes now. “I’m not even saying I’ll go break up with him. I just need to… have a talk.”
“That’s okay! You don’t need to know. It’s okay to just cry, too. Or even just lie there feeling like you need to cry. I’m here, though.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Thanks. I’m just going to… be a hot mess here for ten minutes and then I’ll be okay.”
“All right. Should I talk?”
“No, just… it’s just nice having someone there.”
So she went quiet, but I could still hear her breathing, and it was calming, comforting. Helped me feel like she was there as I buried my face in a pillow, not quite crying but definitely not not crying, and I didn’t know how long we were like that—I think it was longer than ten minutes—before she spoke, softly.
“Hey, Madeleine—I’m really sorry, I just have to mute for, like, two seconds, and I’ll be right back.”
Irrationally, I wanted to tell her stop, no, stay here. “Are you doing something?”
“Um… I just have to go to the bathroom.”
“Oh. Right.” I laughed through tears, a shaky feeling in my chest. “Sorry. Go ahead.”
Except she was lying, because it was only a second after she muted that I heard Britt out in the common room, and the front door opened, and a second later, Sapphire unmuted, and I heard her voice from two directions at once. “Okay, sorry, I’m here,” she said. “I brought you some cookies.”
I sat up wildly, my head spinning, feeling myself up—no bra, sweatpants, probably faded makeup that had run when I’d cried. Glorious. Whatever. I’d found her in bed even less prepared for visitors. “Sapphire?” I called, hoping my voice wasn’t too shaky and thick—it was—and the doorhandle turned, door pushing open just a bit before Sapphire poked her head in.
“Britt said you like oatmeal raisin.”
“Oh my god, Sapphire. You didn’t need to—”
“And you didn’t need to hide me in the park, but here we are.” She stepped inside and shut the door, carrying a paper bag, and she sat on the bed next to me. “Hope you don’t mind me being here, I just thought maybe—”
“I do like oatmeal raisin.” I attached myself to her side, wrapping my arms around her waist—I didn’t even think, it just happened naturally—and she relaxed, setting a hand on my back.
“I’m glad. I got enough for us to share, because cookies are better shared.”
Dammit. What was the sense in dating someone who wasn’t as good as my friends? Tristan wouldn’t in a million years be here like this.
I squeezed my eyes shut, resting my head on her, and I sighed. “Thanks,” I whispered, and she squeezed me.
“We’ll call this Hilton rewards too.”
So we would. That sounded right.