Chapter 12
Madeleine
Britt turned to give me a look as I hiked my bag up my shoulder, heading for the door.
“Where are you off to with that look?” she said, her mouth full of bread, standing over the counter with a slice just cut from the loaf. “Are you working this early?”
“Nah. Going to go see Tristan.”
She gave me a cautious smile. “What, he’s actually seeing you? I thought he’d just say shit sorry I’m the worst, I’ll do better and then change nothing.”
“Yeah…” I stooped, pulling my shoes on. “Had to demand it to get fifteen minutes with him. Whatever, that’s all I need. I’m going to go break up with him.”
She choked, spitting her bread back out into her hand. I cringed, but I didn’t get a chance to tell her to stop hocking all over the kitchen. “Are you serious right now?”
I looked away. “Sapphire… was really nice to me last night… helped me sort some things out.”
“Oh my god. Okay, well, uh…” She scratched her head, looking around like she didn’t know what to do with herself. “Shit, I mean, good luck. Do you want me to go with? Wait outside or something? We can take an Uber there together and back and I can get you some brownies to make things feel less shitty?”
I sighed. I hated every second of this, but… I’d be okay. I had friends like Britt. “Thanks. I’ll be all right, though.”
She tossed her spat-up bread in the trash and turned to the sink, washing her hands. “No, forget that. I’m going with you. I want to be there on standby in case he tries to pull something with you.”
“He’s not going to—”
“I’m not asking. It’s just in case. Is Sapphire going to be there?”
I sighed, turning back to the door. “She also offered, and I also told her I’ll be okay.”
“Then I’m going to borrow Meg’s car and pick her up and we can go together, and depending on how you’re feeling after, we can take you back here to curl up in bed and cry, take you for ice cream, or both.” She shut off the water, dried her hands and stepped around the counter towards me, laying a hand on my shoulder. “Sapph and I are your friends. And we just want to make sure you’re safe.”
“Britt…”
“And you know I don’t take no for an answer.”
Well, I knew she didn’t take no for an answer. Admittedly, it wasn’t like I was super thrilled about sitting in the back of a stranger’s car, especially when my mind was clouded with heavy thoughts about Tristan and wondering which of the six million scenarios Sapphire had been patient enough to act out with me last night we’d end up in.
Britt was probably worried about him murdering me and dissolving my body in an acid bath, but Sapphire and I hadn’t acted out that one.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought about it—he wasn’t an angry person, but I knew the statistics. I’d just thought about every imaginable outcome a million times, which meant that by the time I was at his doorstep, I felt sick to my stomach. This time, at least, he opened the door right away when I knocked.
“Hey,” he said quickly. I could see his computer in the living room set up—on a call right now. I was really going to screw up his day. Probably more than just the day. Maybe I should have waited until he wasn’t so busy. “Come in. I have coffee on.”
I should have just said I won’t need it, I’ll be quick, but the anxious feeling tying my throat in knots right now wouldn’t let up. “Thanks.” I stepped inside, and I kept my shoes on. I’d be… back out of here before long.
He didn’t stay long, turning and heading back for the table with his computer, sitting down and taking a long sip of his coffee. I stepped into the galley kitchen, taking the coffee pot and pouring myself a cup, and I squinted at him.
“It’s seven in the morning, Tristan… are you on a work call already?”
“Just checking in with Jason and Shannon before I head in later.” He put one earbud in, listening to the call, his eyes fixed on the screen. “What’d you need to see me about?”
I got a spike of anger in my stomach, and I almost pushed it down before I realized I needed that right now. I took the cup of coffee and I walked over to sit down across from him, cradling the coffee cup in both hands, and at length, I said, “Can Jason and Shannon not wait for ten minutes?”
He rolled his eyes. “Not these two… I step away for five seconds and they’ve burned the building down. I’m sick of it.”
“Okay, well, how about we trust them to hang in there for just a couple minutes? Maybe show them that they can’t just screw up whatever and count on you to fix it.”
He gave me an incredulous look. “The principle of the thing isn’t going to matter much when I’m explaining to Matt why this project fell through.”
“So not even two minutes.”
“I’m listening. I’m just keeping up with the reports too.”
If I didn’t break up with him now, I’d be in this chair for the rest of my life, with him doing everything but paying attention to me. I took a long sip of my coffee—bitter and burned, but that was how Tristan liked it—and I set it down on the table. “Okay, I guess, if you want to do these at the same time. Look—I think we should break up.”
I had to push the words out in a winded rush faster than I could psyche myself out, and it left me prickling with nameless anxiety. Tristan stopped, looking up at me—funny how this was the only thing I could do to make him look at me. “What?”
My heart was pounding so hard right now. I pushed out a thin, sad smile. “I don’t think this is working.”
He tugged out his earbud, shut the laptop and pushed it away. Apparently he didn’t want to do these at the same time. “Madeleine—” He put a hand to his forehead. “Look. I’m sorry. This has been me. You’re right, that I’ve let this happen, at work and between us. I’ve screwed it up. I haven’t been prioritizing you. But we don’t need to go straight to cutting it all off—I’ll do better. I promise.”
Maybe I could have accepted it… just said yes, sure, do better and see if anything changed then. Maybe now that I was the one with leverage, maybe this time, it would change. But the fear all felt miles away now, a drifting feeling like I wasn’t even in my own body—like I was looking down on myself from above—and from my vantage point, I could see that Madeleine desperately needed to end this before it drove her insane.
“I don’t want you to do better,” I said lightly, my voice distant. “I want you to find someone who likes this dynamic.”
“Listen, I’m not trying to be like this.”
“It’s okay that you—”
“You think I want to be living like this?” He half-rose, and I struggled to keep my breathing regular, my heart beating erratically, panic making the tips of my fingers tingle. “You think I want to be away from my own relationship this much.”
“No. But I think you’ve chosen a life where that happens—”
“So, what, you want me to quit my job?”
“No! I—Tristan, let me finish.”
He caught himself, sucking in a long breath, and gripping the table hard, he sank back into his chair. “I can’t believe this.”
“I don’t want you to have to quit your job for this. That’s the point. I want you to have a relationship where you can do what you need, including focusing on your work. I know… there are plenty of people who want a relationship with more space—”
“You told me you want a relationship with more space.”
I winced. “I-I did. And I’m sorry. But I think I was wrong.”
He sighed, hard, turning away and pinching his brow. “So this was all for nothing.”
I felt like I’d eaten something bad, my stomach roiling. “I didn’t say that. I’ve enjoyed being with you—”
“But not anymore.”
“I just don’t think either of us are getting what we need.”
He dropped his hands on the table, drumming his fingers on the surface. I could see he was holding back a thousand things he wanted to say, and I wondered if maybe he was going to lose it—if maybe Britt was right. “I’m telling you, we can do it differently—”
“Tristan, we’ve been together almost a year now. I’ve brought this up before. You’re just… a hard worker. This is your nature. I don’t want you to fight that nature to be with me, and I don’t want to fight my nature to be with you.”
He pushed away from the table, standing up, and I felt a wedge of fear drive into my stomach before he turned and walked to the back windows, his coffee in hand, leaning against the glass with his back to me. I took a long, shaky breath, pushing the sick feelings down.
“I know there are plenty of people who want to be with you and support you in your work,” I said.
“Just tell me honestly,” he said, his voice low. “Is it somebody else?”
“No.”
“Britt told you to do this, I imagine.”
I sighed, looking down into my coffee. “I just think this isn’t good for either of us.”
“What did you say her name was?” He sipped his coffee, gripping the handle tightly. “Sapphire?”
“Tristan—I’m not leaving you for Sapphire.”
“Guess you like girls better?”
Something about that—one little comment—was like a match in gasoline, turning the fear into fiery anger, and I squeezed the coffee mug so hard it was a miracle it didn’t shatter. “Tristan. Are you looking for my honest answer, or are you fishing for the answer you want to be mad about?”
“I—” He turned away from the window with an exasperated sigh, his hands in the air, and then he stormed past me, pacing the room. Finally, he set the mug down hard on the kitchen counter, leaning against it, hanging his head. “Okay. I’m sorry. Just… what is it you want differently? Someone who isn’t busy, in today’s world? Are you looking for a trust fund baby?”
I guess I’d kind of found one… I wouldn’t be surprised if Sapphire had a trust fund she’d just given up access to when she left. “I don’t know what I’m looking for, but… I know this doesn’t feel right.”
“I know it feels different when you’re a student. When you’re out in the real world, it’s not really feasible.”
I closed my eyes, pushing down the heavy feeling like a thick, noxious cloud in my lungs. “I know.”
“You’re sure you won’t regret it? Once you get out there and find out it’s not like that in the world?”
I guess… I’d just been getting spoiled by Sapphire. She said she felt that same way, but—maybe that would change once she had a job, had a place of her own to pay the bills on. Everything magical like that faded away eventually.
But I’d rather be single than actively ignored.
“I’m sure,” I said, my voice a small, hollow thing. He sighed, and we were quiet for an eternity before he walked back to the table, sitting down sideways in his chair, one leg up on the coffee table, looking out the window.
“Well, good luck, then,” he said, voice distant. Like we were strangers. Guess that was it now. “Hope you find your magical little fairytale.”
I looked down at my coffee, taking a long, slow sip. “I don’t want us to end on bad terms…”
“No. It’s not.” He shook his head, slowly, distantly. “Go live your life. Find someone who pampers you every second. Be happy. I do want that for you, genuinely.”
Maybe this was wrong. Maybe I should have given him another chance, tried harder, thought about it differently.
But no amount of maybe right now changed anything. It was over.
I set down the mug, standing up, my head buzzing. “You too,” I said. “Um… I’m sorry it came out like this. I hope… you find something better than this. In a grownup world.”
He sighed. “Thanks.”
How was it so hard, and so easy at the same time? It was devastating how simple this was… that we were just done now. Nothing to clear up. Nothing of his to get back at my place, nothing of mine to take from his place. Nothing planned together to change. Not even any changes in what my dreams looked like.
Were we breaking up? How could we, when we’d never even been together?
There was nothing left to say. I turned, and I walked back to the door, my shoes heavy on the wood floor, until I pushed out into the cold, windy air. The sky, all streaky gray with long, jagged lines of clouds, felt like it was weighed down in the same empty, vacant weight I had.
Fairytales didn’t exist. But at least this way, I wasn’t waiting for something that would never happen.
The passenger side door of the SUV parked down the street opened, and Sapphire stepped out, the wind ruffling her skirt as she hurried down the sidewalk towards me.
“Hey,” she said, slowing to a stop in front of me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” My voice didn’t sound okay. Luckily, Sapphire didn’t push—just smiled softly, sweetly.
“I know you’re not about this kind of thing, but do you want a hug?”
I didn’t even bother saying anything. I just slumped against her, burying my face in her shoulder and letting her catch me, and she held me tight against her, squeezing. I found myself squeezing her tighter than I was used to holding people, just… keeping her close to me. Felt like she was all I had right now.
“Do you want to go straight back to your place?” she whispered in my ear.
“In a second.”
She squeezed me again. “Take all the seconds you want. I’m here.”
So she was. That was good of her.
She wouldn’t still be here once she’d gotten into the swing of things in her life, but… but she was here now. And I was going to enjoy that.