Chapter 15
Sapphire
I had a home.
I hadn’t realized how much I needed that—those simple few words, that one little thing so many people took for granted—until I fitted the key into the lock at unit 1628 and turned it, my heart catching at the sensation of the lock opening. Maybe on some level I’d thought it was all some cruel joke and the key wouldn’t actually open it, but it finally sank in at the moment that latch turned, and I swallowed, hanging nervously in the moment before Madeleine put a hand on my shoulder.
“You got this,” she said.
I sucked in a deep breath, asking myself if I actually did have this or not, and summoning everything I had, I pushed through and into the condo, a breathless feeling hitting me when I saw the space.
It was… dusty, to say the least. Not as bad as I expected—I’d been afraid it would either be cobwebs and rats and broken furniture, or my parents standing there with arms folded, but instead it was just a dusty, quiet apartment. Wood floors, a sofa, a kitchen on one side with dated tile floors, old wooden furniture that looked handmade with a rustic feel to it, and at the far end, an industrial look with the windows, metal beams along the ceiling and running down to huge windows overlooking the city from the sixteenth floor, a breathtaking view with a thin wedge of the river I could see between two buildings, the skyline glowing in the hazy clouds that refracted golden-orange in the sunrise.
“Oh… wow,” I breathed, drifting inside as if pulled by a magnetic force, footsteps light on the old wood floor. “Is this…?”
“Your home?” Madeleine stepped inside with me, and slowly, she pulled the door shut behind us again. “It is.”
“I can’t believe it,” I said, my voice a wild laugh, as I stumbled across the room and pressed myself up against the window, the glass cold against my nose and forehead as I looked down at the city streets far, far below. “Is it really okay?” I whispered, my voice quivering.
“More than okay,” Madeleine said, stepping up next to my side, and my heart jumped when she slipped a hand to the small of my back—as casual as anything, as if we’d always done that, as if it wasn’t making me so hyperaware of it that I couldn’t notice anything else in the world. “You being comfortable, taken care of, lets you focus on the things you’re going to bring to the world. So in a way… letting yourself be safe here is a gift to the world.”
That was really sweet. Enough that I wished I had the presence of mind to actually listen to it. “Um… thank you.”
“It’s taken a lot of guts to make it here.” She pressed herself up to my side. “Proud of you.”
I looked away, my face hot. “I didn’t do a lot…”
“One day you’ll look back and realize just how much you’ve done. You know—” She took her hand back, shoving it in her pocket and turning away. “I wouldn’t have left Tristan if it weren’t for you.”
“What—” I turned on her, eyes wide. “Oh, god. Did I say something that ruined your relationship?”
She put a hand to her forehead. “I didn’t have a relationship… Britt was right. And I knew it the whole time, I just… thought… I’d be too lonely if I left.”
My heart ached like it split down the middle, and I just wanted to wrap her up, take her in my arms, hold her and make sure nothing bad would ever happen to her again. Make her see how much she was wanted. This was what Britt had meant, right? All the times she told me to keep laying attention and care on Madeleine…
I didn’t really even think about it—I stepped forward, and I pulled her into an embrace, burying my face in her shoulder. She wasn’t a hugger, but… but she always made an exception for me. She softened, meeting me right away, resting her head against mine, and I wasn’t sure if this was the most peaceful or the most terrifying thing.
“Do you feel lonely?” I said, my voice low, and I felt her shake her head.
“How could I?” she laughed. “I’ve got someone willing to slash three hundred dollars off her makeup fee because she likes me.”
I laughed, softly, and my heart swelled up so much it felt like it would burst—I squeezed her closer to me, trying to get rid of every inch of distance between us. “I do. I like you so much…”
I didn’t realize how it sounded until it was already out there, and I tensed up, my heart missing a beat as Madeleine paused, just for a moment—and then my stomach tangled up in nervous knots as I felt her hand on the back of my head, touching softly, playing with my hair. I was instantly addicted—never wanted her to stop—even though it left my heart racing, and she spoke in a soft whisper. “Yeah?”
“Um… yeah. A lot. You’re just… you’re amazing.”
“You too, you know,” she breathed, teasing her fingers through a strand of hair next to my ear. “If I hadn’t met you, I’d have… I’d have settled for a lot less.”
What did that mean? What did that mean? My head was spinning, and I didn’t know how to speak. “Madeleine…”
And—just as suddenly as the whole thing started, it stopped, Madeleine pulling away with her face scrunched in a tight frown. “You know?”
“Uh—” She hated me. Maybe that was jumping to conclusions. Still, I probably shouldn’t have gotten too close. Maybe she just hated me a little. “What’s wrong?”
“We should probably check this place for hidden cameras.”
“Oh.” She didn’t hate me. I let out a long breath, my shoulders dropping, and I was so invested that I didn’t actually process what she’d said until two or three seconds later. “ What? Hidden cameras? Like Mission Impossible?”
“All the sketchiness with none of the excitement. Although honestly, I think we’re safe…” She looked warily around the apartment. “Doesn’t look like anyone’s been in here in a while. Still, can’t hurt to check.”
I leaned against the back of the sofa watching as she scanned the room, running her hand over shelves, checking for anything out of place, shining her phone flashlight into light switches and outlets, and she drew the blinds down and dropped the room into darkness before she pulled something up on her phone, scanning the room. She led me through the bathroom, too, a place with a musty old smell about it, where she swept through everything and pressed her finger up against the mirror, explaining her check for a two-way mirror. By the time we got to the bedroom, I felt a little sheepish for just having waltzed into the place without even knowing this was something to think about, but apparently I would have been fine—Madeleine sat down on the foot of the bed with a whoosh of air, and I sank down next to her, hands folded in my lap.
“Seems like it’s safe,” she said.
“So…” I kicked at the floor. “Is it just Andrew trying to help me? Look after me?”
“Got to be that they want to know where you are.” She glanced over at me, brow knitted in concern. “Are you okay with that?”
I looked down at my interlaced fingers in my lap. “They have a lot of presence in this city, and I’m… I’m not planning on leaving Chicago. So at some point, we’re going to have to face each other again. They can’t force me to do anything just because they might know where I live.”
She put her hand on top of mine, and my resolution disappeared into nervous, squiggly spaghetti in my stomach again. “And if they try to pull anything, you’ll always have me. Okay?”
I looked down, my face warm. “Ugh—you’re so good to me. I’m going to get you so much ice cream.”
She laughed, standing up. “You’ve already done more than you know for me, but if you’re offering ice cream, I’m not complaining. Now—we should stop sitting on that, it’s probably got bugs in it.”
“Ew—” I jumped up faster than I’d moved in my life, brushing the back of my skirt. She laughed.
“Okay, probably no bugs, but we should really clean this place down a bit. It’s not as bad as I thought, at least, but the linens have to go.”
I put my hands up. “Oh my god, Madeleine, you have a million things going on in your life, you don’t have to do this too—”
“Shush.” She put a finger to my lips, and I didn’t even know how to speak anymore. “I’m helping. Let’s go.”
She was pretty enough I’d let her do anything, though, was the thing. So that was how we ended up cleaning the apartment together, Madeleine playing music from her phone as we stripped the bed together and she inspected the mattress, and we went out to the shop for cleaning supplies and a massive roll of trash bags. I was already exhausted by the time we finished hauling the bags of linens and broken things to the dumpster, and when I crashed on the floor in front of the bare sofa frame, Madeleine fell laughing next to me, jostling my side.
“Not keen on being a house flipper, huh?” she said, and I made a face.
“Ugh, don’t even say that. My cousin does that, and I can’t stand him.”
“Ah—of course he does. Probably cuts every corner in the book. Suits the family.”
I nudged her playfully. “Present company excluded?”
“That should go without saying. I’m pretty fond of the present company.” She didn’t give me time to spiral over what that meant—she stood back up, stretching her arms and legs out, and she took a look around the apartment. “Now we get to scrub.”
“I didn’t realize a free home was such hard work…”
She laughed, offering me a hand. “It’s just for today. Although—are you used to doing regular cleaning?”
I hunched my shoulders, ignoring her offer for help up in favor of scrunching myself up out of existence. “Not… exactly… a lot.”
She squeezed my shoulder instead. “Don’t beat yourself up. Not your fault you were raised like that. Might be a learning curve until you get used to it, but it’ll be second nature soon. Let’s get back to it, and soon you’ll have a nice, clean bed to rest in.”
Admittedly, I was pretty sure the cleaning work was a lot better with Madeleine around. Even though I didn’t know a lot of what I was doing, I was able to sweep floors and scrub surfaces, and just being able to talk to her about everything and nothing in between it all—and discuss the interior design, what the place would look like in the end—I didn’t even notice the time passing until Madeleine took a cleaning cloth from my hand, squeezing my shoulder.
“You look wiped out,” she said. “Lunch?”
“Is lunch a bed?”
She laughed. “We can take it back to your hotel room. It’s not too far, we can head down there and come back up here to continue after.”
“Madeleine—” I put my hands up. “You don’t need to do this entire thing for me.”
“I’m not, I’m doing it with you,” she said. “And honestly, it’s not so bad. They must have still maintained the occasional utilities and pest check in here… no sign of utility damage, pest infestations, or mold, which were my big concerns.”
“Oh…” I shifted. “Is that something I’m going to have to pay for?”
“Typically it’s a part of the HOA fees. They’ll get pretty high for this type of condo… judging by the fact that they let it sit empty in their possession this long, I’m willing to bet they pre-bought when the complex was under construction and managed to bicker and barter their way to not paying HOA fees. Just don’t bring it up to anybody and they’ll probably keep overlooking it.”
I looked away. “I feel like I’m cheating.”
She laughed. “Everyone who does well in life does it with something that feels unfair. And you deserve this from them. Consider it the, uh… homophobia tax.”
I stared at her for a solid few seconds before I laughed, laughing so hard my stomach hurt until I couldn’t breathe— probably a lot more than just her comment, but whatever it was, I got through to Madeleine until she was bent over laughing too, and it took us a while to recover.
“Yeah,” I said, wiping tears from my eyes. “Homophobia tax. Let’s get lunch.”
“Any preferences?”
“Sushi.”
“I like the confidence. Let’s go, then.”
We got sushi. We packed up and left, and forty minutes later we were back in my hotel room, polishing off maki rolls and both of us crashing on my bed, basically lying on top of each other while Madeleine scrolled through interior design boards on Pinterest on her phone, showing me through them while we commented on this one or that one. Stopped for quick showers, and once I had some leg strength back in me again, we headed back out, buying new linens and kitchenware for the condo on the way—out of my funds, at my repeated insistence—and we got back to the condo with renewed vigor, and something about Madeleine’s comment had shifted something inside me, because as the cleaner apartment underneath the grime and gunk started to reveal itself and we got the new covers on the sofa and replaced the sketchy old mattress with the new one that had been the hardest thing to get into the apartment and got the new bedspread on it, I looked over it all and I thought, this is what they owe me.
Not that I’d done a thing to earn it. But they owed me for being jerks.
It was already dusk by the time Madeleine finished hanging up the shower curtain and liner, and she walked through the living room and into the bedroom, flopping face-first onto the bed. I sat down next to her, and she rolled over, giving me a tired smile.
“Think that’s enough for today,” she said. “I won’t say comfortable, but… livable.”
“It’s genuinely more than enough for me. I don’t know what to say.”
She shrugged. “See, normally my residential service goes for three hundred dollars, but I’ll let you off with just a compliment in payment.”
“Psh. Let’s see… you’re beautiful?”
“You can just say that to anyone. Too generic.”
I lay down next to her, turning and looking at the Chicago skyline lit up against the sunset. The view from my bedroom window.
I wouldn’t have this life if it weren’t for Madeleine.
“You’re… genuinely the best thing to ever happen to me,” I said, my voice low, and there was a pause before she shifted, rolling onto her side, looking at me.
“Is that one not a bit exaggerated? You literally just got a free condo. I think that should win.”
I turned to face her, shaking my head, looking at the way her eyes sparkled in the low light from the bedside lamp, cheeks still a little flushed from exertion, her hair messy, falling over her face in strands. I picked one out of her face without even realizing it, moving it back behind her ear, and I flushed with a sudden wave of self-awareness once I realized what I was doing, but that soft smile she gave me said she didn’t mind, so… so I picked another one out of her face, tucking it back away as well. “If anything,” I said, finally, “I’m understating it.”
She laughed, an odd smile on her face. “You’re one hell of a flirt. You’re going to be a hit with the girls.”
I ducked my head a little. “I don’t want the girls.”
“Oh.” She raised an eyebrow. “Turned straight?”
“Ew. No,” I laughed. “Just… I have you.”
She laughed, smiling wider. “Sweet-talking, much?”
“Psh…” I felt my blush deepen, but I… didn’t look away, didn’t hide it. “Only for you, Madeleine.”
“Better be just for me,” she said, shifting closer, pressing against my side. “I’ll get too jealous otherwise.”
My heart tangled in a nervous knot, my breath feeling shorter. This whole conversation felt like… like something that I knew better than to hope for or ever expect to happen.
But I’d known better than to expect I could just walk out and make it, be happy, in the world, too. So maybe sometimes I didn’t need to know better.
“No need to be jealous,” I laughed, tucking away another loose strand of her hair and letting my hand fall, the backs of my fingers brushing her cheek. “I’m all yours.”
“Lucky me.” She licked her lips, quickly, letting her head fall, resting against her shoulder, as I moved my fingers, caressing over her cheek again.
“Lucky me. Although, then again, you didn’t tell me you’re all mine, so maybe I should be getting jealous…”
She laughed, ducking her head. Getting shy…? I didn’t think I’d be able to get that from her, but I… I kind of liked it. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to be jealous…”
“Better not. I’m very petty when I’m jealous.”
“Then I’m all yours, too. So there’s no need.”
My heart was beating so fast right now, and—I felt so at peace at the same time, just me and Madeleine in this small, safe space, me and her. And she was the whole world.
“I’m serious, though,” I whispered, cupping my hand over her cheek, and she looked up through her lashes at me. “That you’re just… so… beautiful.”
She bit her lip, just for a second. “You’re one to talk, though,” she said. “I’ve always been looking at you like… like damn, I didn’t know people really looked like that. ”
“Oh, stop,” I laughed, ducking my head, swatting playfully at her.
“I mean it,” she said, catching my hand just as I was pulling back, and I accidentally tugged her with me, and she went with it—rolled on top of me, her weight pressed against my waist, propped up on her elbows above my face. My breath caught, the whole world gone except for Madeleine, filling my field of vision, so close I could feel the warmth of her breath, and…
She shifted her arm, caressing her thumb over my cheek. It felt like magic—the littlest touch leaving magic on me.
“I mean it,” she whispered, again. “You’re the most beautiful… and the most inspirational… person I’ve ever met.”
I let out the silliest little nervous laugh, drunk on her. “Maybe you need to meet more people.”
She smiled wider. “Don’t need to. Just told you, I’m all yours.”
I wanted her so badly… I bit my lip, stifling a nervous laugh. “You’re kind of a flirt, too, huh?”
“Only for you.”
My breath caught when she moved in closer, her hair falling and tickling my neck, and she closed her eyes—my heart jumped, and I found my hands falling to her waist, holding her gently, and I fluttered my eyes closed, not believing this could happen but praying, hoping, wishing—
She paused, resting her forehead on mine. “I… I’m not supposed to kiss you,” she mumbled, and my insides tangled, that word sending me reeling. I blinked fast, opening my eyes to where Madeleine was averting her gaze.
“U-um… r-remind me why not?”
“You’re… you know,” she sighed. “You’re… vulnerable… and depending on me and Britt, and…”
“ So? ”
“So—so what if something happens? If it’s not right, and then—we shouldn’t be—I’m just preying on you,” she said, pushing herself back up, further away from me, and I ached for her back. Ached to replay that near-miss and just…
“That’s not what you’re doing at all,” I whispered. “I… I, um… I want you… so badly,” I said, my voice crackling as I looked away, and Madeleine made a noise in her throat.
“I mean, I want… it’s not like I don’t want to—”
I forced myself to look at her, meet her gaze, even though it made my heart drop like the ground gave way underneath me. “I’m not that vulnerable,” I said, my voice soft. “I mean… I have my own home and everything.”
Madeleine flashed a nervous expression at me, a timid smile, and it was just—she was everything. “Guess that’s true,” she said, and her gaze flicked down to my lips. “Sapphire…”
I didn’t even register I was speaking—just heard myself, distantly, in a dream. “Yes, please.”
She bit her lip, a longing expression passing over her features, before she closed her eyes, and she sank into me. My heart jumped into my mouth as I felt her lower her weight down, pressing against me, and then—
Her lips found mine, brushing, lightly, asking permission. So nervous, shy, just a breath of her lips against mine, but it made my heart pound like never in my life, and I didn’t have a lot of control over myself—I put my hands on her back and tugged her down into me, a little brusquer than I meant to, and she fell against me with a surprised noise, her lips pressing up to mine.
Was it always so… sweet…?
My body settled into the feeling even as my mind crackled with loud, confused sparks in every direction, spinning trying to figure out if this was actually happening—her lips were so soft, gentle and yielding but pressing into me at the same time, moving slowly along me, kissing with low noises. Little kisses along my top lip, down to slip one lip between mine and kiss more deeply at my bottom—I gripped at her back, quivering in the nerves, trying to figure out what to do exactly, what I was supposed to feel, what I was supposed to expect, how—well, how to kiss. How to kiss her like I wanted to kiss her, because nothing felt like it could be enough.
When she sucked lightly at my bottom lip, it sent me into a different universe—I felt it jolt through my whole body, out to the tips of my toes, and I let out a whimper against her, arching my back up against her. I panicked for half a second, thinking I’d reacted weirdly, but it just drove her in—she gave me exactly what I wanted, dove in deeper, took my lip between hers and ran her tongue along it, sucking lightly, and I felt it burn through my body, unspeakable thoughts clouding my mind. The heat between my legs was as addictive as it was embarrassing, and I found myself moving my hips against her without meaning to.
And she met me—rocked her hips against mine, one sudden movement, and I shot off to the stratosphere—I didn’t think I could admit to it, but I’d never been so turned on in my life, my thighs aching, my chest burning, lips tingling as Madeleine kissed me, a brush of her teeth against my lip driving me out of my mind. I think I heard myself moaning, gripping tight at her back, and when she pulled away, I desperately, mindlessly wanted to grab her and yank her back into me, reestablish the connection.
“Is this okay?” she whispered, eyes darkened. I nodded, breathless and wild.
“P-please. I, um, I just... I-I never...”
I couldn’t finish the sentence without dying. Madeleine raised her eyebrows. “You’ve never… what?”
“You know,” I said, my voice tight, awkward.
“Kissed… a girl before?”
“No—I mean, technically, yes. Or at all, yes, no, I haven’t, but that’s not what I meant…”
“What… do you mean?”
“Oh my god. Madeleine,” I groaned, turning my head, burying my face in the pillow. “Are you going to make me say it?”
“You’ve never, um… done…?”
“I’ve never… had… sex. God, I don’t even know if that’s something you were trying to, uh… oh my god, please just ignore me.”
Her expression flared with surprise. “Is it… okay, then?” she said, her voice falling off into a whisper, and I paused.
“To—what?”
“To have… you know.”
Oh—thank god. I wasn’t the only one awkward right now. I looked away. “I want you… really badly.”
“I want you too, just… I don’t want to make you feel like you have to do anything just because I want it.”
Somehow that was a bigger reassurance than anything else she could have said, and it undid a knot of anxiety in my stomach. The idea that she wanted me so badly she was just scared of whether or not I’d want her in the same way…
I trailed a hand down her side, and, with a flutter in my stomach, I slipped my hand under her shirt, touching her bare, soft skin underneath. “I want all of it, Madeleine…”
She bit her lip, hard, a wild expression flaring over her face. “Are—are you sure…?”
Her voice quivered… I wondered if it was the same thing, with being made to feel like she wasn’t wanted. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure of anything. Please, I…”
She swallowed, her breathing quickening as I slipped my hand higher up, and I felt something catch in my throat at the touch of her bra. Wondering if I could… take it off her…
“Sapphire…” she breathed, her pupils dilated. “I… just… just tell me what you want, okay? I want to give it all to you.”
“I want to give you what you want, too, you know.”
She laughed nervously. “Um—what I want is you.”
I could work with that.