CHAPTER 4
After waving to Taylor, the real estate agent I work for, I walk out of the office at the end of my workday and take a deep breath while soaking up a few rays of sunshine. It’ll be setting soon with that whole ‘spring ahead, fall back’ thing in full effect. I’m not sure which I like better considering it’s nice to not wake up and feel like it’s the middle of the night, but having it get dark earlier is kind of a drag.
I want to complain about the change every year, but I don’t because it’s part of life and I’ve learned how to be the master at adapting. I’ve had to do it more than once and I’ve been able to roll with the changes forced on me and the ones I’ve chosen with relative grace.
My most recent change has been the most difficult though. I reach up and rub my chest, right over where my heart aches for my men. I miss them, but this was for the best. At least, I hope it was.
My hand comes down and cradles my baby bump while trying to take comfort in the fact that I made my decision to leave New Orleans, not for me and not with my heart. I made the choices I did in order to do right by my baby. They’re the only one who matters now.
I swear my bump has grown, again, overnight. I wasn’t expecting it, and my clothes are fitting a little tight. I wasn’t ready to start wearing maternity clothes yet, but now it seems like the time has come sooner rather than later. I’ve been able to hide my pregnancy up to this point, but now it’s obvious.
At least it’s not ‘hey, is that a watermelon under your sweater’ obvious. Yet.
Tears fill my eyes at the thought of everything Gray, Poe, and Zach are missing right now. I feel guilty for taking their choice away, but I do think it was for the best. At least, for right now.
We never spoke about the future and what it would look like. Sure, they were only with me, and I was only with them, but I know what would have been said about me if I had stayed.
I would have been accused of trapping one of them, whoever the father of my baby is. They would have said I did it to become an old lady, even though there was never any talk of that. In the depth of my soul, I wanted them to feel the same way about me that I do about them. I wanted what we had to become permanent.
I thought it might happen, that we would at least talk about it after Poe was patched into the Devil’s Saints and became Bedlam four months ago, but we never did. I was okay with how things were going, but then I started to feel off.
I wanted it to be nothing because life was going pretty well, at least for me. I was safe. I was spending time with men who seemed to value me instead of wanting to use me. Gray’s year of prospecting was coming to an end, and I couldn’t see a reason for him not to be patched in. I was looking forward to celebrating that with him and the rest of the club.
I probably wouldn’t have considered the possibility of being pregnant if I hadn’t been scrolling on social media. That’s where I came across an article about how antibiotics can make some birth control ineffective. The moment I saw it, I remembered being given antibiotics after cutting my hand in the kitchen and needing stitches. Everything clicked in my head and while it wasn’t easy to get a pregnancy test without anyone knowing, I found myself staring at two tests with the same results.
Pregnant.
I panicked. I realize it now, but at the time all I could think about was the judgment everyone would throw my way. Would the club tell my men not to trust me and not believe the baby was one of theirs?
It’s not like we were always good about condoms, anyway. That’s when I remembered Zach telling me about the condom breaking during the night that we spent at Club Sin celebrating Bedlam. I didn’t know if the timing was right considering I wasn’t sure how far along I was.
I just knew I needed to get the hell out of there. So, I made a plan and then I made it happen.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done is walk away from the men I gave my heart to, even though we never said those words.
I didn’t know where to go at first, but then I thought about where I wished I had grown up. Sweetwater Valley is a beautiful town. It’s small enough to be wholesome, but large enough to give you some room to breathe.
I grew up not far away from Sweetwater Valley, in Dogwood Ridge. The rivalry between the two towns was always kind of fierce. Those in Sweetwater Valley looked down on Dogwood Ridge people, and the people I grew up with thought everyone in Sweetwater Valley was stuck up. I thought both sides were wrong, but I had enough problems to deal with growing up with a handsy stepfather who looked at me like a workhorse and a mother who didn’t care either way.
No matter what, I knew Sweetwater Valley was the kind of place to raise a kid.
Since I arrived here about three months ago, people have been welcoming. It’s been like a breath of fresh air. No one here knows my past, including my time with the DSMC as a club angel.
I had some money saved up, but I knew I would need a job when I arrived. I got lucky when I stopped in at Sit Sip, a coffee shop and bookstore, and was told about Taylor looking for an office manager. It’s not the kind of job I’ve had before, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to apply.
When I met Taylor, she looked me over and I braced for her to become a mean girl right in front of my eyes. She’s gorgeous with blonde hair and a great body. Instead of telling me I was trash, or worse, her face went from curious to sporting a huge grin.
“You’re new to Sweetwater Valley,” she made it a statement instead of a question.
“I am,” I confirmed. Without thinking about it, my hand drifted down to my still flat belly. “I just found out I’m pregnant and I wanted to move to a place where I could raise my baby in a community with good schools and good people. I thought this might be the perfect place.”
Her eyes softened with compassion and understanding. “It is a nice place to raise kids,” she confirmed. “We’ve had a lot of people interested in the town for that reason. We’re not too far from the city and some bigger attractions, but there’s still a small-town appeal here.”
I nodded slowly and bit my lip, unsure how to broach the subject. “I’m going to be upfront with you since you’re being so kind to me.” She nodded, her eyes going wary, as I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “I’ve never run an office before, but I can answer phones, make appointments, and keep things organized. I can learn anything else you need me to learn. I want to feel settled, and I want to do a good job, no matter what the job is.”
Taylor stared at me for a long time, long enough I was starting to worry she was going to tell me she wasn’t interested in hiring me. I was close to breaking down in tears, but I also knew it wouldn’t solve anything.
Before I could pull myself together enough to thank her for her time and get the hell out of her office, she smiled brightly and chirped, “You’re hired.” I gawked at her for a moment, probably looking ridiculous and unprofessional, but she just giggled. “I can’t explain it, but hiring you feels right. I’ve learned to trust my instincts over the years. I usually know which house is perfect for someone right away, even if I still show them other options and my success rate is high on my first pick being the one.”
“That’s,” I started to croak before clearing my throat and trying again, “thank you.”
When she smiled at me, I couldn’t help but return it. “If you’re looking for a place to rent, I also know someone who has an empty house at the moment.”
My fucking jaw dropped. It was almost too good to be true, but nothing was blaring in my head that I shouldn’t trust Taylor or anyone else I had met in the few days since arriving in Sweetwater Valley.
I whispered, “Are you serious?”
The kindness in Taylor’s eyes was almost overwhelming. “Lark moved to Sweetwater Valley a while ago with her two kids. She fell in love and bought a house with her new husband. They decided to buy the house she was renting, and they use it as an income property. Her sister stayed in it for a little while until she fell in love with her neighbor and moved in with him.”
“Woah,” I breathed out, “that’s a lot of falling in love.”
Taylor’s laugh was vibrant and not at my expense at all, which made me relax even more around her. “There does seem to be something in the water around here,” there was a note of sadness in her voice, but she shook it off quickly. “Anyway, I know Lark and Maverick don’t have a tenant at the moment. It’s a three bedroom, which might be a little much even with the baby. The rent they charge is a great deal.”
It took everything in me not to burst into tears. Of relief. Of joy. Of sadness and missing my men.
That was three months ago, and things have been going really well. I moved the few things I had into the rental and met Lark, Maverick, and their kids. They’re an amazing family and the way Maverick always looks at Lark and the kids with so much love is beautiful to see.
It also makes me a little jealous.
When Maverick started playing in the backyard with the three kids while they were showing me the property, my hand rested on my belly as I whispered to Lark, “He’s a great Dad.”
“He is.” She giggled, “He had a pretty steep learning curve, but he was determined.”
I must have shown my confusion on my face, having forgotten that Taylor mentioned she moved to town with kids before falling in love. Lark told me about how the oldest two kids weren’t biologically his and that she had moved to Sweetwater Valley to be closer to her parents after her partner died from cancer.
“I’m sorry,” I told her softly, knowing it wasn’t enough but not having more to offer.
“Thank you.” She sighed, a bright smile on her face as she looked over at Maverick. “It might sound horrible, but it all happened for a reason. I can’t look back on being with Christopher with sadness because it gave me Everly and Elijah.” She looked at me, her eyes earnest and curious. “I was supposed to come here so I could meet Maverick and fall in love, the kind of love that fills your soul. Then we had Elizabeth and now our family is complete. Life has a way of giving you more than you want sometimes, but never more than you can handle, while giving you a path to where you need to be.”
“I hope so,” I pushed past my lips, my voice thick.
When she looked down and noticed my hand on my belly, her eyes lit up. “You’re pregnant.”
I nodded, my vision going a little blurry and my nose stinging from holding back tears. “I am. I just found out. I’m not sure how far along I am.”
Lark didn’t tell me I was a bad mom because I didn’t immediately go to the doctor. She simply made sure that we exchanged contact information and then gave me the number for the doctor she saw when she was pregnant with Elizabeth.
They were able to fit me in quickly, which I was thankful for. I was not expecting to be measuring around three months already. I was so sure the night at Club Sin with the broken condom was the culprit, but it happened before then.
I instantly fell in love with my child. I’m determined to, one day, tell Poe, Gray, and Zach, but that day is not today. I don’t know, maybe it was shitty of me, but I thought they might come after me. Even if they were pissed at me for running. They haven’t.
Sometimes, late at night, I think about my men and what we had. Those are the nights when I cry myself to sleep. I’m determined to give my baby the best life I can, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the men I love.
They just didn’t love me, apparently.