Chapter 30
30
Tatum
What have I done?
My shell is so hard it’s become a detriment. Harrison Decker loves me. And I love him. “I love him so much that it hurts, Natalie. Like physical pain. So much that he makes me feel out of control.”
“That’s not him . . .” Her head wobbles in debate. “It might be him as well, but it’s definitely your hormones. You’re pregnant. All kinds of changes are happening in there. Do you know how many fights I’ve picked with Nick in the past few months over the stupidest stuff?”
“A lot,” Nick says from the couch. His eyes are fixed on the TV, but clearly, his ears are eavesdropping.
She rolls her eyes, but then says, “You guys moved so fast, and now you’re having a baby. So many emotions are involved in this that I don’t want you to act rash. Granted, you left, and that’s rash.”
Nick nods. “Rash.”
I’m tempted to flip both of them off out of aggravation, but again, that would be rash, thus proving their point.
It’s Saturday, so they’re both home, but I could probably do without the peanut gallery in the living room, especially since we’re talking about his best friend. But him being here isn’t all for naught. He gets up during a commercial break and stands in front of the open fridge staring in. “Harrison is broken-hearted.”
“Did he say that?” I ask, moving to the edge of the barstool.
He looks back at me. “No, guys don’t talk like that, but I can tell. Kind of obvious anyway since he came back to an empty bed.”
“He came back?” I sound so stupid. Of course, he came back, but it begs the question: Why’d he leave me?
“He lives there, Tate.”
Natalie is staring at me. She can read my mind too well, so I avoid looking at her altogether. And then start whistling since I’m already in the hot seat.
That’s not going to stop her. “Tatum Eloise Devreux.”
She’s full-name calling me out? Crap. I’m in trouble now.
I look at her. “Yes,” I gulp through the response.
“He went surfing to clear his head. Nick and Andrew do that too.”
“She’s speaking facts,” Nick slips in and then pops a grape in his mouth.
Natalie comes around the island and stands right beside me. Swiveling me on the stool to face her, she levels her eyes to mine and lowers her voice. “Did you actually think Harrison wasn’t coming back?”
“He lives there. I knew he was coming back at some point. I just . . . he knows my triggers, and leaving is the biggie for me. Why would he leave when the night before he said we’ll talk in the morning? What kind of message does that send for me to wake up alone?”
“I don’t know,” she says, her body out of energy. She pulls the stool next to me out to sit down. “I don’t know, but you guys can’t seem to catch a break. Maybe?—”
“Don’t say it, Nat,” Nick says, this time wholeheartedly involved in the conversation as he returns to the couch.
“Say what?” I ask.
Natalie hits Nick with a glare before turning back to me. “Destiny. It will find a way if you’re meant to be.”
“And if we’re not?”
“Then it will lead you to who you’re supposed to be with.”
“Destiny sounds like a drunk girl you have to buy cab fare for to get her to go home at the end of the night.”
“That’s very . . . specific, but I can see it,” she replies, and then hops off the stool again. “I’ll be back. Time to pee for the three hundredth time today.”
“I’ve not gotten to that stage. Thank goodness.”
Nick looks toward the front of the house where his wife just disappeared. Then, seemingly pleased the coast is clear, he turns around on the couch. “We should talk, Tatum.”
“I’m right here.”
“Look, I say this because I care about you.”
I almost feel as if I’ve disappointed him. “That’s not a good start.”
“I’m going to be very direct because Natalie likes to make every short story long. I love that woman and everything about her, but we don’t have that kind of time.”
Now he has me on the lookout for her. “Okay, shoot.”
“You and Nat are a team, a force to be reckoned with, a dynamic duo, the great Nat and Tat. Like it literally is a thing. But she worries about you. She feels guilty, like she’s letting you down by moving on with her life. Not that she ever forgets you. She doesn’t at all, but she cares enough to want the best for you, to want you to find the happiness that I know she’s found.”
I could be defensive or keep my guard up with him, but nothing Nick is saying is new. Natalie and I are a dynamic duo, but Batman and Robin had other love interests, even if Catwoman was a poor choice. But that’s a whole other issue I wrote a paper about in college. I got an A+. Anywho , I say, “She has. She’s so lucky to have you.”
“Is it luck? Maybe. Though you know Cookie doesn’t believe in luck.”
“She believes in destiny.”
“That’s what Natalie is to me. She’s not only my wife. She’s my eternity. I love her that much.”
She scored with Nick Christiansen.
Is it wrong to be this stinkin’ happy for your best friend? I could tear up . . . and I do. I’m blaming those hormones Natalie was just talking about. I was a boohooing mess on the flight home because Home Alone was on. What is this craziness?
Yep, rash.
I realize now that I acted rashly.
I can hear the water running in the bathroom. Peeking down the hall, I know we’re running out of time. He says, “My point being . . .” Thank God, he’s getting to his point. I’m even stressed she’ll overhear. “I realized early on that it’s not choosing you or me for Natalie. We all have the capacity to love and love big. What Natalie and I have is different than what you two share. Harrison, or whoever you fall in love with, will love you enough to understand we’re not competing. We’re family.”
“That’s why you’ve always welcomed me into your home without a single question. You just opened your heart.”
“Natalie loves you. That means I do too. So you’re not alone. Not ever. But we hope you find the same kind of love that Natalie and I share. I vote for Harrison, but that’s a given. You go where your heart leads you.”
“I think Cookie’s rubbing off on you.”
“I’m okay with that.”
The door opens down the hall, and Natalie’s shoes echo as she returns. “Ugh. My bladder is the size of a peanut. So annoying.” She stops at the entrance to the living room and puts her hands on her hips. “Wow, Nick,” she says to the back of his head. “You couldn’t entertain our guest for two minutes while I was gone?”
With his eyes glued to the TV, he replies, “It’s not a guest. It’s Tatum.”
My heart swells with the feels. I’m not a guest. I’m family. He didn’t have to say it for me to know what he meant.
She sits down next to me again, spinning to face me. “I thought I heard you guys talking.”
Nick says, “Must have been the announcers.” If she only knew what a softie he is. What am I saying? She knows. She married that sweetheart of a man.
Natalie goes over to the back of him and kisses him on the head. To me, she says, “He’s a big lug when sports are on, but he’s my big lug. Before I forget, the cooking class starts next week. Are you still in?”
I don’t have those same interests, but maybe it’s time I learned a new skill. “I’m in.”
“Good. That will be fun.”
Slipping off the stool, I reach down and grab my bag. “I think I’m going home to rest. It’s been a long day already, and you really have me rethinking things.”
Natalie walks with me to the door.
“Good talking to you, Nick.” I have no intention of spoiling his cover, but I will take his advice to heart. After all, they only want the best for me.
He waves over his head, but he never looks back. “Yeah, you, too.”
Grabbing the handle of my suitcase, I roll it to the front door. Before she has a chance to call him for help, Nick’s already coming to carry it down to the sidewalk for me. “Got it.”
I hug Natalie because I realize she’s carried the burden of my happiness since we were kids. She’s the one who stepped in when my parents upset me or, worse, ignored me altogether. It’s time I let her live free from the weight of her worry for me.
“Love you.”
“Love you, too,” she says.
When we step back, I say, “I’m going to be okay.”
“Yes, you are. You’ve always been the strongest person I know.”
“I say that about you.”
We smile at each other, and then I say, “See you soon.”
“See you soon.”
Riding in the back of a car heading home, I pull out my phone. I’ll give Harrison full credit for texting and calling right away. I didn’t expect to see twenty missed calls and more than a handful of texts by the time I landed, but I’m not upset by it.
I’m about to text, but I decide I want to hear his voice and for him to hear mine. There’s no misinterpretation that way. That also means I have to wait to get home. No way am I having this conversation in the back of a rideshare.
I hurry to my apartment as soon as I arrive. My heart is racing, and I’m not sure of the words I should use other than I’m sorry. But I roll my suitcase inside and kick the door closed. With the phone in my hand, I drop my bag on the counter and head for the windows. I need light.
It makes no sense, but the sun pouring in makes this feel less heavy. The phone rings, and I stand there with my heart trying to beat out of my chest. “Tatum,” he says as if he’s breathing again.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
An uncomfortable silence invades, and an apology suddenly doesn’t seem like a viable option of getting us back together. A long-winded explanation maybe? “I’m sorry I left.” Okay, well, direct is always good. Let’s just hope he can appreciate that angle.
The silence lingers though I know he’s still there because I can hear his breathing. In the past, he’s mentioned the first one who speaks loses. It’s a sales technique of his. But the quiet between us is painful and stretching, so I say, “Harrison, are you still there?”
“I’m here.”
“I . . . I’m not sure how to make this right.”
“Can I be honest with you, Tatum?”
“Of course. I hope you’re always honest with me.”
“I’m not mad at you. I’m disappointed. I was only gone a few hours. I don’t know why you would leave. Why would you leave at a time like that?”
“If you want my honesty, I thought you had already left me. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was thinking through the pain, and all I wanted was for it to go away.”
“Did it go away?
“No, it got worse.”
“I appreciate you apologizing. I know that’s not easy to do, especially when your reason for doing it makes sense to you. But you gave me enough time to think about what was happening, and it’s a lot. I know you’re going through a lot, and maybe this isn’t the right time for us.”
“Wait, no. That’s?—”
“Time is what you need, Tatum. Your life is changing dramatically. I’m not saying I want you out there dating because fuck no, that’s not happening.”
“Then what are you saying, Harrison?” Please don’t say you’ve given up on me too. That I’m not enough for you to want to stay for.
“I want you to want me how I want you.”
It’s a tongue twister, but, “I love you.”
“I love you, too. But I want us together because we want to be together. Not because you’re pregnant. Am I the man you’d choose if you weren’t having my baby? Don’t answer right now. When you know and you’re certain, call me.”
“Harris—” The line goes dead, along with my heart.
I had it all, and I realized too late.