Chapter 28
Brielle
His words make me realize that I”m the biggest fraud that ever walked the face of the earth.
Love.
I”m not lovable, and even if I were, I”m not worthy of love from a man like him.
Wanting what he has to offer and taking it when I haven”t earned it are two very different things, and they”ll never meet in the middle.
”Get off me,” I whisper when he barely catches himself from crushing me after he comes.
”Hmm?” he says, the bliss from his orgasm still holding him captive.
I push at his chest, waiting for him to roll over.
The second I”m free I climb off the bed and go to the bathroom, making sure to lock the door behind me.
I wanted to get lost in the fantasy and then he had to ruin it.
Babies?
Love?
I turn on the shower and scrub at my skin, needing the touch of him off me. I have to rid myself of it or I”ll end up craving more of what I”m not supposed to have.
If I hadn”t signed my own death warrant by running over a year ago, I certainly did the first time he put his mouth on me. Letting him fuck me and come in me both times ensures Nathan will kill me, but he won”t do it before making sure I regret every second of the time I spent with Beck. I wouldn”t put it past the man to hunt my new lover down and force me to watch as he tortures him. Beck wouldn”t be whispering about babies and love then.
Once my skin is red and hurts to touch, I climb out of the shower and dry off. I pull on the pajamas Beck brought into the room for me, refusing to look at the necklace still hanging around my neck. I need to rip it off and throw it at him to get my point across, but I selfishly tuck it behind my pajama shirt before stepping back out into the room.
Beck has sweats on as he sits on the end of the bed. Sadness fills his eyes and every other feature on his face when he looks up at me.
I almost lose the words I know I have to say to him.
”Every word I ever said to you was a lie,” I begin, forcing down the threat of bile as it tries to bubble up the back of my throat.
”Please don”t do this,” he begs, and as much as I want to run to him, I sneer instead. ”I love you.”
”And you think I could love you?”I look away from him before the pain on his face makes me cry. ”I told you that he made me hurt people, and it”s true. Do you know how many women I carved my name into? How many people did I help rip from their families?”
He shakes his head in disbelief.
Staying with him, letting him love me, will only get me killed, and I already have enough on my conscience. It would kill me to have to watch Nathan hurt him, and even doing this doesn”t guarantee that he”ll be safe.
”He made you,” Beck insists.
I shake my head, another lie. I don”t know how many times I gagged on my own vomit when Nathan forced me to hurt people, how many times Xan begged me to just let the monsters inside of me. He said it”s so much easier to listen to the voices than to fight them. That was the difference between Xan and me. Our monsters weren”t saying the same things.
”I chose myself over every single one of those people.”
”Because you had to,” he argues.
”I”ll continue to choose myself over everyone, including you,” I growl.
”I know why you”re doing this, baby,” he says shaking his head but at least he doesn”t stand from the end of the bed. If he did, I”d never be able to keep up the charade. ”I know you”re scared and pushing me away seems like the best idea, but I”m not budging.”
I swallow back the threat of tears, hating how weak I am at this moment.
”You deserve love,” he says, and I think it might possibly be the first lie he”s ever told me.
”I want you to get your shit and leave me alone,” I scream.
I jolt at the knock on the bedroom door.
”Go away,” Beck snaps, and it”s the first time I”ve ever noticed a hint of anger come from him.
”Is everything okay?” a man on the other side of the door asks.
”We”re fucking fine,” Beck yells.
”Get him away from me!” I scream, knowing how easily it worked for Beth over a month ago.
The door knob turns and the door swings open a second later.
A man stands in the doorway, his eyes darting from me and back to Beck over and over as he tries to assess the situation. We”re almost the entire width of the room apart.
Beck keeps his eyes on me. ”Please don”t do this, baby.”
”Maybe you need to give her some space,” the guy says.
”Listen to your friend,” I snap. ”Because that heart of yours can”t be trusted.”
He looks like I”ve ripped him apart as he stands. He doesn”t bother getting his belongings before walking out of the door, shoulders slumped forward.
The man who opened the door looks at me one last time as if he”s more than a little disappointed in me before closing the door again. That guy is a fucking psycho. I could see it in his eyes.
I rush to lock it before pacing around the room, tears rolling down my face.
I hate that I had to do that to him. It was the only way I could think of to protect him a little even though I know it won”t go very far. If Nathan so much as catches a hint of what Beck and I have done, we”re both dead, but then again we could both be dead already.
I hear movement on the other side of the door, and I don”t hesitate to press my ear to it. I need to know what the plan is. Maybe I can be relocated to a different state. Forming connections and staying in the same place too long is what put me in this predicament in the first place. I just need to be on my own and constantly moving. I need to stay three steps ahead of Nathan at all times. It”s the only possible way to survive him.
”But you didn”t find out where they are?” someone says, and from the raspy tone of his voice, I bet it was that crazy-eyed guy who came into the room a few moments ago.
”She didn”t tell me what Kincaid wanted to know,” Beck assures him.
My blood runs cold.
”That”s too bad,” the other guy says.
I just argued that he was the pawn, but it seems I was the pawn all along. Did he tell me he loved me because it was a last-ditch effort to get me to confess to something they could use in court? Time has been running out since I got to the clubhouse back in New Mexico, but we”re down to the final hour here, and he needed to try one last time to get something.
I know I don”t have a right to feel betrayal, but it doesn”t keep it from seeping inside of me. I swipe at the tears rolling down my cheeks.
In a different lifetime, I could”ve easily seen myself building a life with Beck, but he might possibly be an even bigger monster than Nathan. At least Nathan didn”t pretend to be something he wasn”t for very long.
Beck might try to keep me safe from Nathan but that”s for his and Cerberus”s own gain. It has nothing to do with me. I”m just a damaged woman incapable of repair. The real victims are the ones they”ve been looking for.
I feel used, but most of all I feel vindictive.
Maybe Nathan was right all along. There”s a monster inside of me, and all I need to do is feed it.