Chapter 5 Lincoln
LINCOLN
@pancakesareelite:
Do you ever think about meeting IRL?
@theanswerisno:
No.
@pancakesareelite:
Hearing each other’s voices?
@theanswerisno:
Not a good idea.
@pancakesareelite:
What about photos?
@theanswerisno:
Absolutely not.
@pancakesareelite:
Are you real?
@theanswerisno:
Debatable.
@theanswerisno:
I’m sorry. I just like that you kinda like virtual me. Let’s keep it that way.
@pancakesareelite:
I don’t *kinda* like virtual you,
I *really really* like virtual you
As soon as I left the office, I shoved work, the pressure of becoming a manager, and my curious intern into one of the many boxes in my brain. Despite my aversion to socializing, game night was the exception.
Never would I have thought that Claire and I stumbling upon a board game group back in college would lead to this. After we graduated, I thought I’d never see them again, but Claire kept in touch and kept dragging me along every Wednesday night.
And I was forever grateful for it. The game night group never expected me to do anything except play.
I knocked once, and the door to Shaun and Neema’s apartment flung open.
“You came!” Shaun’s hand shot up for a high five. He’d always been cheerful, but ever since marrying the love of his life, he radiated joy at a glass-shattering frequency.
I dipped my head and clapped my free hand against his as I walked inside. I wouldn’t leave him hanging. “Hey, man.”
Rose, his best friend and soon-to-be sister-in-law, popped up to her feet, eyeing the bag I carried. I held it out between us. “Samosas. The cheesy kind.”
Her eyes widened, matching her bright smile. She vibrated as she took it and pulled one of them out of the bag. “Your mom is the best.”
“My mom’s a feeder.”
“And I’m an eater.” She took a big bite.
I glanced around the apartment. Claire wasn’t here yet. “Where is everyone?” It was a fair assumption that, where Rose and Shaun were, their partners would be as well.
Rose pointed at the bedroom. “William’s doing one last stream in his old bedroom before Shaun and Neema convert it into a nursery.”
I sat on the couch and took out my laptop.
Balancing it on my knees, I navigated over to William’s account, @wheretheresawilliam, and clicked through.
I’d been watching William’s streams since he started doing them, before we’d even met.
Rose transferred couches and settled beside me, leaning in and smiling at the face of her fiancé on my screen as if she hadn’t seen him play games online five thousand times. As if she didn’t live with him now.
“Oh, and Neema’s asleep because of the energy-zapping fetus,” she said.
“Don’t talk about my child that way,” Shaun said from the kitchen.
“Those were her words!” Rose cackled.
I stifled a laugh and kept my focus on the chat. There was one name I was looking for.
And there she was.
@pancakesareelite:
Popping in to say hi, and this game is too expensive. Back to lurking & working.
I didn’t like the way my heart skipped whenever this stranger’s username appeared on my screen, and yet it did—against my will and better judgment. I resisted the urge to click on her name and open a private chat.
What would I even say?
It had been three days since we’d chatted or properly played a game together. It was the longest we’d gone without contact. Maybe she’d found other people to play with.
A private message appeared, chasing away my insecurities.
I bit down on my lip as a smile tugged on the corners of my mouth.
@pancakesareelite:
Hey! Fancy finding you here (watching a streamer you never miss). Shall we play a game when he’s done?
Rose shot upright.
“No,” I said to her, but it was too late.
Her face was already lit with mischief.
“It’s nothing.” I minimized the chat but hovered over it, itching to reply.
“It’s not nothing. Claire mentioned something about the gaming girl being called ‘Pancakes’… Lily, is it?” She tapped the minimized chat as though my laptop were a touchscreen.
“What did Claire, my sworn secret-keeper, tell you?” I grumbled.
Rose fell against me, knocking our shoulders. “Oh, don’t blame her. She was worried.”
I was too afraid to meet the gaze of the enthusiastic woman beside me. “About?”
“Well, all she mentioned was that you’ve been chatting with this gamer forever, and she thinks you maybe have a teeny-tiny crush.”
Claire, why? I sighed and closed my eyes, removing my glasses to pinch the bridge of my nose before the onslaught of questions followed.
While I could trust Claire with my life, wanting her to keep information like this to herself was expecting a lot, and I suppose she could get credit for lasting years.
As if reading my mind, Rose continued. “She wanted to know if any of us knew anything about her, and while I agree that pancakes are elite, we’ve never interacted. Claire said you found her in your old engineering gaming group. The gaming community is pretty tight-knit. We could find her.”
“Idontwanttofindher,” I rambled out as though it were one word.
William growled at a troll on-screen. An actual troll in the game, not one of the commenting viewers, which he was also known to growl at from time to time.
“What do you mean? Surely, after all these years, you’d want to meet her. What if you already know her without knowing? You’re both engineers.” Rose was not going to let this go. Neema, Shaun, and William might have, Claire knew not to press… but Rose? Rose was unstoppable.
“She could also not be a she. She could be a man for all I know.” I kept looking down at Lily’s message. My brain was pinging and would continue pinging until I replied.
Rose hummed for a second before wiggling her eyebrows. “What if she’s a hot man? I’d like to see that.”
My lips curved upward. Rose was nothing if not entertaining.
“Could we rather focus on your hot man, who is growing angrier by the second?” I pointed at my screen, where William was flashing the camera his most charming smile while a string of colorful and creative curses flew out of him.
“I’ll tell William you called him hot. He loves flattery,” she teased, and turned her attention back to my laptop screen. A little red ONE appeared at the chat box icon. “She sent another message. You better reply! Don’t leave Pancakes hanging!”
“No peeking.” I turned my laptop away from her and opened the messages.
@pancakesareelite:
I’ve been MIA because of work. And I’ve been working hard. Play with me, Link. Pretty please.
@pancakesareelite:
We could even play League.
She must be as desperate as I am.
Rose eyed me above my laptop screen but made no move to intrude.
I shot back a text: Will you be up in about two hours? It’s game night.
@pancakesareelite:
Forgot it’s Wednesday!
I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives since Monday. But yeah, of course. I’ll be up if you want me to be.
My chest heated in a strange and unfamiliar way.
@theanswerisno:
Snap. See you then.
“I don’t suppose you’re the type to tell me what she said…” Rose hopped off the couch and grabbed another samosa.
“Not even a little bit.”
“So, we’re allowed to talk about Pancakes?” Shaun asked, walking into the living area with three cups of coffee.
Not Shaun as well. Did everyone know?
I slammed my laptop shut and held it in front of my face as a defense for whatever this was. I would kill Claire. “Where is Brutus, I mean Claire?”
A loud-pitched giggle escaped Rose, and then she paused. “Oh.”
Her voice tilted upward in a way that made me lower the laptop.
“She’s not coming. I thought she told you,” Rose said while finishing off another samosa.
“My phone died.” I dug into my pocket and retrieved the dead thing. I needed an upgrade, but I liked my current phone and all my apps and settings. It was easy enough to transfer data between phones nowadays but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Shaun offered me a cup of coffee and a power cable, fueling me and my phone simultaneously.
As soon as my phone turned on, all of Claire’s messages came flying through. “Oh. I see now.”
I wasn’t sure what to do next. I rarely attended game night without her, and to be honest, I didn’t know how. Navigating social situations was always a bit awkward for me.
“Well, I, for one, am glad you came, because those are delicious.” Rose pointed at the bag of samosas on her way over to the board game shelf.
I tried my best to pull myself into the present and be with the people around me. Some days were easier than others. Today wasn’t the easiest. I’d used up all my social capacity figuring out how to speak to my intern.
William appeared in the flesh and dipped his chin in my direction. “Always good to see theanswerisno lurking in my streams and then immediately in person afterward. Didn’t think you’d come tonight.”
I wouldn’t have if I’d known Claire wasn’t going to be here.
But saying that would come across in the wrong way.
They didn’t understand. They were charming, lovable people, and I was…
I don’t know what I was. But analyzing every social interaction and figuring out the appropriate way to respond was exhausting.
“Aha!” Rose pulled a box off the shelf and then lifted it in the air. “It’s my turn to pick, and I’m picking Jenga.”
“That’s usually Lincoln’s I’ve-had-a-stressful-day choice.” Shaun stood and walked over to their bedroom door. “I’m going to wake Neema, but”—he turned to face me—“everything all right?”
“Um…” I didn’t want to talk about the hundreds of open tabs in my brain.
“This game is my pick,” Rose said with a wide and gentle smile. “Lincoln’s fine.”
I nodded, grateful for the save. I wasn’t fine. I was uncomfortable and still reeling from discussing Lily. But I would be.
Rose scooched beside me and offered me the box. “I know you like setting it up, and I’m sorry for pushing. I’ll never bring her up again unprovoked, okay?”
“Okay.”
With each block, my discomfort faded. I snuck a glance at Rose, William, Shaun, and Neema chatting away and giving me the space I needed. I wasn’t always good at being with people, but maybe some people knew how to be good with me.
Like Lily, who had no reason to wait up for me other than knowing I’d wait up for her too.