Chapter 5 Nick
five
Nick
“Remind me again why you’re here,” Roman says with faux irritation.
I roll my eyes and nudge the takeout coffee cup towards them. In truth, I don’t really know why I made a beeline for the bookstore as soon as I finished my pastry at Loquat, but the conversation with Aaron left me unsettled, and Roman’s always been the best person for helping me sort shit out.
Unfortunately, all I’ve been able to do since walking in the door is hand Roman a coffee and lean on the counter and talk about nothing.
It’s the middle of the day, no one is in the store, but I know Roman’s got inventory to do and special orders to fill.
They’re something of a book detective and have a reputation throughout the city as the person you go to when you want to find rare books or need information on a specific edition or whatever else people who collect old books require.
“I brought you coffee,” I say. “That’s got to count for something.
” Roman shakes their head and motions toward the back room where I know they’ve got a fancy coffee machine and a million types of special coffee.
I sigh. “You remember Min talking about that guy who was murdered in my neighborhood a couple of weeks ago?”
“The one whose family is passing out flyers because the police don’t have any leads?”
“Yeah. So. Turns out, I’m a lead. Not that it helps much except to give them a better estimate of the time Zack—that was the guy’s name, which I didn’t even know—was killed.”
Roman raises their eyebrows at me. “Do go on.”
I rest my forearms on the counter and lean my weight on them.
“Zack and I hooked up the day he was killed. It’s very likely it happened right after he left my place, and it’s kind of freaking me out.
” I grimace. “Not that I’m trying to make this about me, or anything.
It’s just…ever since I saw the flyer with his picture on it, my brain won’t shut off.
If we hadn’t matched on the app. If he hadn’t come back to my place.
If I’d been able…” Biting back the rest of that sentence, I cover by taking a sip of my coffee, but I should have known Roman would pick up on my discomfort and nudge at it.
“If you’d been able to…what?” they ask.
I put my head down on the counter and whisper, “Get it up.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Roman asks, and I roll my head to the side and glare up at them.
“You heard me.”
“I know, but it…surprised me.” Roman shrugs. “I’m not sure what the big deal is. I mean, couldn’t you have talked instead of him leaving?”
The sincerity with which Roman says this makes me laugh. It’s a genuine laugh because I know Roman truly doesn’t understand why once sex was no longer a possibility, there hadn’t been any reason for Zack to stick around, but talking is much more intimate than fucking.
“I suppose we could have,” I say. “But that wasn’t why we were at my place.
And then…I just wanted him out of there so I could feel my humiliation in private.
He wasn’t in a hurry to stick around either.
Now I’m wondering if we’d been able to…if I’d been able to do what we’d planned on doing, if he’d still be alive because he wouldn’t have walked out my door at that moment and run into someone who hurt him.
It’s fucked up, and I can’t get it out of my head. ”
“That’s not your fault, you know.”
“I do.” I touch my head. “Up here, at least.” Then I lay a hand over my heart.
“In here’s a different matter. There’s this whole weirdness of knowing I’m probably the last person he talked to.
Like, after I saw the flyer, I couldn’t even look at my couch because that was where we…
almost had sex, and it was strange to think he’d been right there.
And then I have to wonder…It’s just…” I shrug.
“…and I don’t know what to do with these thoughts. ”
Glancing around the bookstore to try and shake some of my unease, I admire what Roman’s done here.
It’s a modern but cozy space with room in the back that can be used for readings and events, and it’s the perfect place for them.
Right now, though, I’d give anything to be at a bar with a drink in front of me and the distraction of a hundred conversations buzzing around us because that would mean I wouldn’t be the sole focus of Roman’s attention.
“Ty said something the other day,” I say without looking directly at them. “That maybe my issue was because I’m tired of meaningless hookups with random people.”
“Ty thinks romantic relationships are the answer to everything right now,” Roman says. “I’m not saying he’s wrong, at least not for him, but I think he’s a bit biased at the moment.”
I snort in response. “Probably.”
“But the better question is if you think he might be onto something.”
“Maybe.” I stall for time by taking a sip of coffee. “I was happy fucking around until Ty found Cam.”
Roman fixes me with their intense hazel gaze, and I can see the questions forming in their mind.
Fortunately, the bell over the door tinkles as someone enters the store.
When Roman glances in that direction, their face flushes and they bite their lower lip.
I can’t help it, I have to see who’s caught Roman’s attention and am surprised to see a conventionally attractive, slender guy with shaggy blond hair trying to act casual as he looks at the display of newly released fiction.
“Anything you want to share with the rest of the class, Ro?” I ask, keeping my voice quiet so only they can hear me.
“No.”
“Want me to leave?”
“No.”
The object of Roman’s attention continues to browse, but he glances over at the counter as he moves on to new nonfiction and then history. Roman tracks his movement like I’ve ceased to exist. Once the guy disappears around a corner, Ro’s gaze switches to the CCTV monitor, and they relax.
I’m about to say something when Roman cuts me off.
“Just don’t, okay?” they say, and I mime locking my lips, which only makes Roman roll their eyes. “You know I’m ace not dead, right?”
“Of course,” I say. “And just because I’m probably aro doesn’t mean I’m a heartless, commitment-phobic asshole.”
We laugh, and I push away from the counter. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”
“You don’t have to go.”
With a glance at the monitor, I shrug. “Eh. I’ve taken up enough of your time with my neurosis. Plus, I need to get some work done today.”
“You know, it’s perfectly normal to be weirded out by what happened,” Roman says gently. “Or, to feel as if you could have changed the outcome and kept this guy from getting killed.” When I give them a lopsided smile, they shrug. “Got to make some use of that psych degree.”
I’m grinning as I walk out the door and turn toward home.
It’s a perfect winter day: clear and crisp with a bright blue sky and a snap in the air.
As I walk through the Castro and the Lower Haight, my hand drifts into my coat pocket where I put Aaron’s card.
I didn’t need it since I got his number off the flyer and stored it on my phone, but I like thinking he wanted to make sure I had it.
My phone vibrates, and I pull it out, surprised to see Aaron’s name on the screen.
“Hey, it’s Nick.”
“Yeah. Hi. This is Aaron. Zack’s brother.”
I smile at the way he fumbles through the words. “Yes,” I say. “I remember. I just saw you a little over an hour ago.”
“Oh, yeah. Hey. Right.”
I don’t know why he seems nervous, but it’s adorable.
“Is there something I can do for you?” I ask.
“Sort of,” he says. “I know this is kind of an imposition, but, uh, the police would like to talk to you. I’m sorry I didn’t think of it earlier.”
“No worries,” I say. “I should have contacted them myself. I’ll call them in the morning.”
“Actually…” Aaron sighs. “They’d like to interview you at your apartment. Today.”
That gives me a moment of pause, but I don’t have anything to hide.
Zack was in my place for a grand total of maybe forty-five minutes.
I poured us glasses of wine neither of us had any interest in.
We made out. We groped each other. Zack got my pants undone and his hand around my cock, and…
that was the end of it. “Sure. I’m still out, but I’ll be home in half an hour. Is that okay?”
“I’ll let them know. And, thanks, Nick, I appreciate how willing you are to help out.”
“Whatever I can do. I mean that. If I were in your place, I’d want answers, too, so if I can help you out, I’m willing to do so.”
Silence greets me from the other end of the line, and I’m about to check if the call dropped when Aaron draws in a shaky breath. “That’s really great of you,” he says, his voice tight. “If there’s anything I can do in return, just ask.”
Now it’s my turn to pause, but my mouth barrels ahead before my brain can fully engage. “Could you tell me about Zack?” I ask, instantly regretting the request because it might sound morbid or like I’m some creepy crime chaser.
“As in…?”
“I don’t know. I’m having kind of a hard time with the idea that I was the last person to see him, and I haven’t got a clue who he was. I mean, I didn’t even know his name until I saw the flyer. It’s a bit of a head trip, and I can’t stop wondering about him.”
Aaron chuckles darkly. “I suppose that would be kind of strange.” He clears his throat. “So, yeah, basic stuff. Zack was twenty-eight…”
By the time I reach my building, Aaron’s filled me in on the rough outline of Zack’s life, which is about as different from mine as you could imagine.
Parents still together, siblings, family vacations filled with cousins and grandparents, a cabin in Tahoe, school at Berkeley, while my parents divorced when I was in first grade, I’m an only child, and my degree is from San Francisco State.