Chapter 5 Nick #2
Along the way, I got bits and pieces about Aaron who is the oldest. Zack was the baby, and the middle child and only girl is Shayna, who’s now married with two kids and living in Mill Valley.
Most of Aaron’s stories feature his siblings or cousins, and maybe that’s because I asked him to tell me about Zack, but it also seems like he took his role as big brother to heart.
I can hear the affection in his voice as he talks about Zack, and his grief as well.
The one thing I don’t hear, even when he tells me about the number of guys Zack hooked up with, is judgment.
“I wish he’d been more careful,” Aaron says as I open the door to my apartment.
“I mean, the police think this was a robbery gone wrong, so it doesn’t look like his death had anything to do with his…
social life, and even if it did, it still doesn’t mean he deserved it or…
whatever.” Aaron gives a rueful chuckle.
“Sorry. I’m rambling. It’s been nearly three weeks, and we just want to know what happened to him.
It’s difficult to deal with the fact that we might never find out. ”
“I can imagine.” I pause at a loss about what to say next. I mean, I’m having a hard time with Zack’s death, so it’s got to be worse for the people who knew him, loved him, worried about him, and lost him.
“I’m grateful you’re so willing to help. You could have ignored the flyer or blown us off and told us it’s not your problem.”
“No, I couldn’t. Once I saw that flyer, there was no way I couldn’t contact you and let you know what I know. I only wish I was able to help more.”
“You’re helping. I don’t know if this is going to sound weird, but…I’m glad my brother’s last hookup was with someone like you.”
Aaron’s words stop me cold in my living room, and I stare at the couch. “Some random who didn’t even know his name?” And, yeah, there’s bitterness in my voice. I’ve been with plenty of people I wouldn’t recognize on the street the next day let alone remember their names.
“No. Someone who cared enough about him to reach out and help find who killed him even though there’s nothing in it for you. That tells me you’re not a jerk, and I’m glad about that for Zack’s sake.”
“Don’t make me out to be too much of a saint,” I say.
“I’ve been an asshole in the past. I could give you references if you’d like.
” When Aaron laughs, the sound sends warm tendrils through my body, and I smile stupidly at my phone.
“At the risk of oversharing, I wish I could tell you Zack had a really good time with me, but we didn’t get any further than making out. ”
“Oh. That paints a different picture than the one I had in my head.”
“I figured. And totally all on me.” I don’t know why I’m telling him this, but it seems important.
“Zack was great about it, probably would have stayed if I hadn’t been so embarrassed.
” As soon as those words are out of my mouth, I hope Aaron doesn’t recognize the implication.
That if I hadn’t been in such a rush to get Zack out of my apartment, he might still be alive.
“It’s not your fault, Nick,” he says.
“So people keep telling me. Can’t help but feel like it is.” An awkward silence fills the space between us. “Look. I’m home now, I’m gonna be here the rest of the day doing work. If you give me the name of the investigator, I’ll give them a call and set up a time for them to come talk to me.”
After Aaron gives me the name and number for the SFPD homicide detective in charge of Zack’s case, we hang up.
I continue to stare at the couch, but I’m not thinking about Zack.
My thoughts drift to Aaron and the snippets of information I picked up about him as he told me about his brother, the way he seemed so sure I wasn’t an asshole, and how his voice has calmed me, made it possible for me to breathe again for the first time since I saw that flyer.
Even though I know it’s a bad idea, I want to see Aaron again and learn more about him not his brother.
Stuffing that thought down, I call the detective.
When I get her voicemail, I stumble over my words as I try to politely say, “Yeah, I was the guy who was supposed to fuck Zack before he was killed around the corner from my place.” Then I slump down on my couch and stare at my blurred reflection on the blank TV screen.
I’m just a smudge of light in the center, and it’s only the fact that I know what I’m looking at that lets me know those colors are me. This whole situation is so fucked up.
I should get some work done, but my mind isn’t on computers and code and fixing the stupid problems people cause for themselves.
Without thinking, I cycle through my apps, mindlessly scrolling past the photos and profiles of people looking for sex, for dates, for the potential of something long-term.
I swipe left on all of them because all I can think about is Zack and how our paths intersected because we both swiped right.
No, what happened to him isn’t my fault, and it isn’t some cosmic judgment on either of us, but the decisions we made put us on this path and now I’ve got no choice but to follow wherever it’s taking me.