Chapter Thirty-Nine
Dean
Being back in Canfield was hard. The second the Uber pulled down Main Street, my skin prickled with anxiety.
It wasn’t all terrible memories. Holiday Restaurant was still there with a parking lot full of cars.
I took a lot of my high school dates there and even kissed Helena there for the first time.
The smile that I was wearing dropped from my face when I spotted the big white church up ahead, and I turned away.
I didn’t know if my parents were still here, or if my father was still preaching his lies, but I didn’t even want to see that place. Or think about it.
Once the car pulled up in front of Helena’s, I thanked the driver and climbed from the vehicle to find my ex-girlfriend standing on the walkway, her arms folded over her chest. Her long dark hair whipped across her face before she rushed toward me and hugged me so tight I was sure she took my breath away.
“I can’t believe you’re actually here,” Helena murmured. “You swore you’d never come back to Canfield.”
I chuckled as I released her. “Yeah, well, so did Maverick, but here we are.”
“Here we are.” Helena’s blue eyes sparkled with happiness. “I can’t believe Mav and Jax are getting married. I mean, that’s so insanely crazy.” She reached out to touch my arm. “Have you heard from him?”
I shook my head. “No.” Tears burned my eyes like they always did when I thought of Beau. It never seemed to get easier. “But I’m going to be an adult about it when I see him. I don’t want to ruin Maverick’s big day. He deserves everything to go perfectly.”
“Come on, let’s get you inside. The guestroom is all set for you.” Helena motioned for me to follow her inside the house.
Blake had offered to let me stay with him, which was where Killian and Matty would be staying, but I wanted to spend a little time with Helena, too.
I followed behind her, and when she pushed open the door to the guestroom, I barked out a laugh.
She had a giant picture on the wall of Mulligan, one that was taken when we were just teenagers practicing in the Olsons’ basement.
My hair was still green, but much shorter.
Maverick was beaming at the camera, holding his drumsticks in his hand, while Killian was trying to look fierce and angry.
Blake was giving a shy smile, his arms folded over his chest, but his gaze wasn’t on the camera.
Most likely he was watching Tom, who was standing next to Helena, who was taking the picture.
“It’s great, right?” She giggled at me. “I should post it on my IG sometime. People would lose their minds.”
I nodded. “You should. Killian looks so weird. Not a single tattoo on his body.” I placed my suitcase on the floor. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”
“Of course,” Helena told me. “We’re having a little bonfire thing tonight. Everyone is coming over. And Jax is trying to convince Tom to come, too, but we’ll see. He doesn’t leave the house much. I’ve seen him a handful of times since he moved back home.”
My brows dipped. “Convince him? Why? It’s been years since we all saw one another. And what do you mean he moved back home? Since when?”
“I shouldn’t tell you.”
“You absolutely should.”
Helena let out a long sigh and dragged a hand through her hair. “You heard about the accident, right?”
“Obviously not.” I sat down on the bed. “Why don’t you start at the beginning and fill me in on what I’m missing?”
She joined me on the bed. “Tom doesn’t play hockey anymore.
” And then Helena launched into a story that had me staring at her with tears in my eyes and my mouth hanging open.
“The guy hit him in the face with his skate, Dean. Tom is so terrified to get back on the ice that he came home. He stopped playing hockey, has some serious PTSD, and he never leaves the house. I think he’s afraid people will stare at the scar on his face, but honestly, it’s not as bad as he thinks it is.
I mean, it’s obviously there, but he’s still Tommy Olson.
Just a little grumpier than he was before. ”
“Holy shit.” I brushed the tears from my face. “That’s horrible.” I couldn’t imagine going through something like that. Tom had wanted nothing more than to follow in his big brother’s footsteps.
We sat in silence for a few minutes until Helena patted my arm and climbed to her feet. “Well, I have to start getting ready for this bonfire tonight. Care to help?”
“Will there be macaroni salad?” My stomach growled at the thought. Helena made the best macaroni salad.
She grinned. “You and Tom, I swear. Yes, there will be.”
“Then tell me where to start first,” I told her.
SITTING IN THE BACK by the fire, watching my brother all loved up with his fiancé, my best friends with their significant others, I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous.
It didn’t matter how much macaroni salad I consumed or s’mores I ate, that little part of me that missed Beau wasn’t going to go away.
And what the hell was going on with Tom and Blake?
Was my bass player in love with his best friend, too?
It would make a lot of sense, since they were a lot like Jax and Mav. They had been attached at the hip.
“I know.” Killian nudged me as he appeared out of nowhere. “Something’s up with them. Do you think they’re in love or something?”
I raised my brows. “I don’t know, maybe.” I tried not to think about Beau and his big, calloused hands. The way it felt when he kissed me. The sounds he made when he pushed inside of me.
“They looked awfully guilty earlier when I caught them on the porch talking together.” He shoved the rest of his s’more in his mouth before he grinned at me.
I rolled my eyes. “You’re disgusting.”
“I know.” Killian snickered before he left me to find Matthias.
I hated being alone. I wasn’t jealous of Helena and Ryan.
I was lonely. I missed Beau, and I hated that he had hurt me all over again.
I should have listened to Jackson and stayed away from him.
Tears stung my eyes and blinded my vision.
Being in love shouldn’t feel like this. It was supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows.
Instead, I felt like raindrops and storm clouds.
I was happy for my family and friends, but I wanted that, too.
I couldn’t do this right now. I didn’t want to watch everyone being loved up and happy.
I hurried inside the house to flop down on the bed and let the tears fall.
When I saw Beau in a couple of days, I wasn’t going to make it easy on him.
I wasn’t going to let him walk back into my life, if that was what he wanted.
But maybe that wasn’t what he had planned.
Maybe he would ignore me. Maybe he would have a date.
The thought had me shoving my face against the pillow and screaming.
My heart felt like it was being broken in two.
I had never felt like this before. I wanted this pain to stop.
Now. If this was what love felt like, I never wanted to feel it again.
“Dean, hey, it’s going to be okay,” Maverick cooed softly in my ear, his hand in my hair.
I shook my head. “Make it stop.” I turned to look at him.
“I would if I could.” Mav gave me a small smile. “Scoot over.” And when I did, he climbed up into the bed next to me. “I’m going to murder him, you know that, right? I’ll make sure the body is buried where no one can find it.”
I couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of my throat. “I know.” I shouldn’t be this happy that my big brother was so quick to come to my defense, but I was.
“You didn’t tell me.” He pushed the hair back from my forehead. “And now that it explains why he’s been absent from the apartment building. I haven’t seen him in a bit. I refuse to say his name, too. He’s an asshole for hurting you again.”
I sighed. “He’s probably scared of you.”
“Good. He fucking should be.” Maverick stared at me for a long minute. “Promise me that you won’t let this deter you from finding someone. That even though you’re hurting right now, that in time, you’ll try again. Don’t turn into me.”
“I promise,” I assured him.
Maverick smiled. “Good.” He leaned closer. “Tom and Blake left together a few minutes ago. Jax and I think they’re going to go have sex.”
“What?” I exclaimed and watched Maverick’s cheeks burn pink. “Are you serious?”
He nodded. “One hundred percent. Not sure how we missed that one, but then again, I was too fucked up in my own head to notice what was going on between the two of them.”
“I could say the same. Tom and Blake, huh?” It made a lot of sense now that I thought about it. How Blake never hooked up with anyone. How innocent he always was. The so-called saint of the band.
Maverick let out a little giggle. “I always kind of wondered about them, but I guess I thought Blake was straight.”
“We thought that about you, too, remember?” I chuckled.
Maverick laughed a little harder. “Looks like everyone was wrong.”
We both twisted onto our backs, and when Maverick linked our fingers together, I felt a little better about everything. Having my brother with me, helping me, was everything I wanted for the past few years. It felt like the universe was healing. Which meant maybe I could heal myself, too.