Chapter 10 Magnolia #2
I gaped at her, anger boiling in my guts and burning its way up my chest. But I had no idea what I wanted to say to Iris, anyway, if there was even anything to say in the first place.
“I’m going.” I walked past her, back into the apartment complex.
I braced myself for another one of her searing parting remarks, but for once, there was none.
· · ·
I never brought up that moment with Ellery.
How could I? The next time we hung out with each other, my heart jumped each time she started to say something, then slumped against my rib cage when what she said turned out to be something different, something totally innocuous.
Like I’d suspected, Ellery thought nothing of me rolling on top of her, and so I shoved the memory away, locking it up tightly in a far corner in my mind.
It wasn’t like I was spending much time studying it anyway; the last thing I wanted was to trigger another panic attack.
When springtime came, the college admissions decisions started to be announced.
The first one was UCSD—a no. Anxiety spiked from my belly to my chest as I stared at my computer screen.
I’d confidently considered San Diego a safety school, and now I realized how smug I’d been to think that.
How foolish. Winnie got in, and so did James.
I hugged them both and conjured up a smile when James said, “What about you, baby?”
“Nah, but I’m sure I’ll get into UCLA or something.”
“You will,” Winnie said, squeezing my hand.
Ellery didn’t get in either. She shrugged and said, “Eh, we were never going to go there anyway, right? What’s in San Diego?”
“SeaWorld,” I said glumly.
“Yeah, well, we’ve got Disneyland, so SeaWorld can suck it.”
The next one that announced was UCLA, and to my horror, I didn’t get in either. This time, I ran to Ellery’s place, out of breath, and when she opened the door, I blurted out, “UCLA said no,” and burst into tears.
“Oh, Tulip.” Ellery’s arms went around my waist and she hugged me tight. Even through the tears and snot, I was overwhelmed by the Ellery-ness of her. Even while crying, a small part of me thought: I belong here, in her arms.
“Did you get in?” I wailed, my voice muffled by her chest.
Ellery shook her head. I sagged against her. “What’s going to happen to us? Oh god, what if we have to go to Riverside?”
“The horror!” Ellery cried. “Dork. Then we’d go to Riverside, and we would rule the place.”
Despite the crushing anxiety, my mouth twitched into a smile at the thought of Ellery and me at Riverside.
I took a deep breath, filling my senses with the soothing scent of her, and every part of my body relaxed.
After a while, I felt calm enough to straighten up.
To my horror, there was a wet patch on Ellery’s shirt. Oh god, a patch of tears and snot.
“I’m sorry, I’ll wash that for you.”
Ellery waved me off. “It’s fine, Tulip.” She turned away.
“Hey,” I said before I could chicken out. Something she’d said at dinner with my mom had been bugging me. “Um, you know, when you mentioned having some issues back home…”
“Yeah?” She looked at me and her expression was as open and sincere as ever, which gave me the courage to keep going.
“What happened back then? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I quickly added.
Ellery’s face turned somber, and for a moment, I almost told her to forget that I asked.
But then she said, “I, uh, I sort of fell in love with a straight girl junior year of high school. My best friend. Well, I thought she was my best friend. I told her how I felt, and she told me it was fine, then she went and told everyone at school.”
“Oh god.” Never before had I wanted to hurt someone more than this “friend” of Ellery’s who had betrayed her like that.
“Yeah, it wasn’t great. My parents hadn’t known about, you know, me liking girls, so…the place basically became unlivable for me. I dropped out of high school in the end. It took a long time for me to find my legs again. That’s why I’m still a freshman in PCC at the ripe old age of twenty.”
“Oh, Ellery.” I couldn’t help it. I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms tight around her. “What happened to you was so shitty,” I muttered.
She hugged me back and sighed into my hair. “I’m okay now. Moving to LA saved my life. And I have such newfound appreciation for life because of it.”
I thought of the way Ellery still noticed things like the beautiful riotous colors of an LA sunset, and how she was always saving little orphan plants, and it made me smile, because yeah, I didn’t know anyone who savored life as much as Ellery did.
She’d managed to extract beauty out of her horrific experience, and I loved her so much more for it.
Ellery let go of me and grinned. “Come on, let’s bake some zucchini chocolate cake. I just picked zukes from my bounteous garden.”
“Zucchini chocolate cake? That sounds like something straight out of a nightmare.”
“I mean, yes. But does it also sound awesome?”
“No?”
“It fucking does not, which is why we’re going to make it.”
How did she do it? How did she take all the bad feelings lodged in my belly—anxiety over college admissions, sadness over her past—and unravel them so effortlessly?
Iris had helped me through my panic attack in the usual Iris way, by forging ahead fearlessly, whereas Ellery was all about dodging and weaving, avoiding gnarly spots so deftly you didn’t realize where she was headed until she was gone.
I ended up being rejected by all the UCs except for one: Berkeley.
When I loaded the screen and saw the words “We are pleased to offer you a place…” I stared at it for a full minute, my mind unable to comprehend it.
How could I have been rejected by Riverside, Davis, San Diego, LA, and Irvine but be accepted into the most top-ranked one of all?
A choked squeak scratched out of my throat, and I clapped a hand over my mouth.
Then, as always, I rushed out of my place and ran the short distance to Ellery’s.
She opened the door before I even got there. Her eyes were wide and she looked nervous. “Well?”
It was too big a moment for jokes or fake-outs.
I screamed, “I got into Berkeley!” Then Ellery’s arms were around me and my feet left the ground, my arms around her neck, and I knew, in that moment, with sudden painful clarity, that I loved her.
Not as a friend would, or a sister, or anything platonic.
Not in the innocent, girlish way I loved James.
I loved Ellery in a wild, desperate way.
In a drowning, gasping-for-air sort of way.
In a leap-into-a-blazing-fire sort of way. I was in love with Ellery.
I had to tell her. I didn’t know what would happen when I did. I was only seventeen, and she was twenty, and there was Trish, Trish the girlfriend, Trish the lover, Trish who was a woman and not a child like me.
Ellery hadn’t gotten into Berkeley, but she did get into her top choice—Irvine—and that afternoon, we celebrated with Martinelli’s apple cider and cranberry muffins from Trader Joe’s. “I’ll come down every weekend,” I said.
“That’s gonna tire you the hell out, Tulip.”
“Iris will miss me,” I said. The lie flopped out like a dead fish.
Ellery raised an eyebrow. “I can’t imagine Iris missing anyone. But if she were to miss someone, it would be you.”
I laughed at the ridiculousness of her statement. I will miss you, I wanted to say. I will miss this apartment, our safe little cocoon that smells of simmering soup and strange cakes and you, everywhere you, so much you, and not enough you.
“Maybe you can visit me at Berkeley some weekends.”
Ellery was quiet for a beat too long, and the silence stabbed at me.
Stupid. Why did I say that? That was so presumptuous.
Of course she wouldn’t want to visit some kid at Berkeley.
That was what, a six-, seven-hour drive from Irvine?
She was going to take Irvine by storm. She didn’t have time for me.
“I will,” she said, finally.
And those two words were enough to dispel the dark voices in my head, at least for the moment.
· · ·
I was waiting at the quad for Ellery to finish her shift at the bookstore.
We’ll go for tacos, I’d decided, and I’ll get one for Iris as well.
Iris was going to Caltech. Ever since we both received our acceptance letters, Iris had eased off a little.
I wonder if it was because she knew our time together was coming to an end.
She no longer had to deal with the little sister she hated so much.
Oh well, it was all for the best, even though the thought of leaving my big sister was surprisingly painful.
Something caught the corner of my eye, and I looked up.
And froze. I’d recognize her anywhere. Her dark glossy hair and feminine figure had seared themselves into my mind.
It was Trish. But the thing was, Trish was holding hands with another girl, someone I didn’t recognize.
They walked toward building R, and right before they walked in, they paused and kissed each other.
Trish’s hand was lost in the other girl’s hair, a gesture filled with familiarity.
They’d done this before. Many times before.
Holy shit. What the hell? I was still gaping long after they disappeared into R.
I reminded myself to breathe. Be fucking normal.
Do not say a word to Ellery. Wait, should I tell Ellery?
I should, right? Her girlfriend was cheating on her.
If I said the thought didn’t bring with it a little selfish shot of pleasure, I would be lying.
Of course it did. I was filled with righteous anger.
How could she cheat on Ellery? If I was to be honest, what I was really thinking deep, deep down, was: How could she cheat on the person I’m so in love with?
“Okay, let’s hear it,” Ellery said, halfway on the drive home.
I blinked at her. “Huh?”